A Wal in the Par

Just something I hope you enjoy. No explicit anything.

A Walk in the Park

Dave was cutting the front lawn of his small starter home. It wasn't a chore as he took pride in his home, and heck, most guys his age didn't have a starter house. Dave had earned this house through hard work and diligence. Though he appreciated both hard work and its rewards, Dave didn't work hard just to feel proud of himself; he had a wonderful wife and wanted to work hard for her and their future kids. It meant the world to him that Carol was proud of him.

Dave couldn't help smiling thinking of his wife. Carol was perfect for him, and he'd been good for her. When they'd met, she was suffering from a bad break up, having invested heavily in the wrong man. It took a while to gain her trust, then more to earn her heart. It had been hard going at first but the time, care, and love, he invested eventually won the day.

As he cut the small patch of grass between the side of the house and street, Dave noted a car drive past that had gone by before. A short while later as Dave was finishing up the front yard, he noticed it again. This time the car pulled to the cub right in front of him and stopped. Curious he peered inside.

The driver was resting his forehead on the steering wheel. Without noticing Dave, the driver straightened up, squared his shoulders, and exited the vehicle. The driver walked around the car to the sidewalk. Finally looking up while raising his hands to flag down the owner, he was surprised to find Dave already looking at him.

The driver looked at his feet, then remembering himself straightened up again. He took a step but only to the edge of the sidewalk as if the grass was electrified. Refusing to come forward his body language said he hoped the property owner would come talk to him.

Dave did just that, asking, "Can I help you?"

Dave realized the driver was surprised that he was talking to him. Dave intuited the driver was living a scene he'd played out in his mind several times yet found living it out jarring.

The driver winced as he looked Dave in the face stating, "I guess that's exactly what I've come here hoping for: your help. I'm at a loss, even though I'm the only one that has any idea what's going on." He rubbed the back of his neck and smiled sheepishly. "There's a lot I don't know and a ton I need to learn. The one thing I do know is that I'm a flawed man." He paused, rubbing the back of his neck again. Clearly embarrassed he said, "I used to know your wife."

Dave stopped him by asking, "Do you want me to get Carol?"

"No!" the driver cut Dave off, cringing that his response was too extreme. "Not yet certainly. I need to square some things with you first. Then you can decide if you want to bother her."

Dave nodded like he actually understood, which he didn't. He watched the driver noting the man truly was stumped how to proceed. He noted the guy was still wincing too.

"Ah, Carol was a wonderful woman." The driver stiffened rushing to add, "A-And I'm sure still is." He shook his head dismayed how badly he was playing this out, "I, however, have failed to be a good man. I've just lost a woman who is very important to me." He stopped again, annoyed at himself and earnest to explain, "By lost I don't mean she was hit by a truck or anything, I mean I drove her crazy and then away. I was unworthy of her. She broke our engagement, and I was the problem." He winced again.

"Your wife," he emphasized the words, "was always very honest with me, and I really need someone who understands me to be honest with me again. I don't want to upset her or talk to her in any way that would upset you. In fact, if Carol ever does talk to me, I think it would be a good idea for you to be there." The driver had turned crimson, obviously humiliated while still thinking this the best course of action.

Dave could see the other man was stymied, so he spoke, "What's your name?"

The driver's wince grew deeper, reluctant to see the response his name might cause. "Jake. I'm Jake." Jake's head lowered towards his collar bones expecting a verbal barrage in response to admitting his identity.

Dave felt he should know something about Jake though nothing sprung to mind. "Let me see if I understand you, Jake. You think you have character flaws that my wife may recognize, and you want her to help you identify them?"

Jake's lowered hesitant eyebrows suddenly popped vertically with hope. He'd expected a much more negative response. "E-Exactly! I want to be better. I thought I was better this time, but it still went wrong. This gal wasn't like ... your wife. She wouldn't put up with what she thought was wrong and yanked the chain on our relationship early. I don't believe I would've given up on her as early as she gave up on me, especially being engaged, but I was still the one that caused her to react as she did. W-Which makes me a two-time loser." He stopped momentarily looking earnestly to Dave. "Though no longer a two-timing loser. I-I want to change before a third time cements the former description. I-I thought I'd made changes, but obviously ..." Jake's voice trailed off.

Dave asked incredulously, "Are you sure you want me there for a description of your flaws and your confession of how they cost you an engagement?"

Jake nodded determinedly, "Yes, I think it's very important you be there."

"Why?"

"Because I'm trying to be a good man. I know the way good women act sometimes, even if the guy has done them wrong. They can be sympathetic towards them. I don't know if your wife will be sympathetic towards me, I don't know if she'll see me or help me, but if she does I-I don't want to cause her problems."

Dave was confused.

Jake explained, "Sometimes the new guy can mistake sympathy for an old spark or something like that. I assure you there's no spark on Carol's part. I saw what I did to her, and I killed any feelings for me."

Dave now realized he'd stepped into quicksand. "You did something ... to Carol?"

Jake swallowed hard, deflating as he admitted, "I used to be engaged to your wife." Jake looked at Dave like he'd just taken a shot in the nose, "I cheated on Carol. The other gal was gorgeous, and I could have her. Just once was all either of us wanted, so I took my shot. It wasn't fair to Carol at all. I-It was a young man's mistake." Jake laughed ruefully adding, "It wasn't worth it."

The two men stared at each other for a moment before Jake added, "I guess we're about the same age, I see now I should have known better even then. I was too old to make that mistake. I was a chowderhead and far too self-centered. I didn't have the discipline. I made a huge mistake and learned from it, which you must when you make a mistake that big."

Jake checked to make sure Dave was still agreeable to letting him explain. Dave wasn't preparing to kill him, so Jake continued, "I didn't cheat this time. I'm not sure exactly what I did. In the aftermath I didn't want to paint myself in a good light, as a matter of fact, I've been painting myself in nothing but black light. Your wife knows me, and how badly I can screw up. I believe if she'll see me and talks to me a bit, she'll understand how earnest I am to better myself. I know how honest Carol is. She can even be cruel telling me my flaws; I'd be happy for the diagnosis to be delivered in buckshot as long as I get it."

Jake fished a pre-written and folded note from his pocket. "Heres' my name and phone number. You can ask Carol what she thinks of my request. I'm sure she has a very low opinion of me, which is pretty much exactly what I need." He laughed, "I guarantee I have a lower opinion of myself than even your wife does. I'm not looking for her to cheer me up. I'm not looking for her to put me in my grave either. I'm looking for answers, so I can be more like you."

Dave's head tilted back. His eyebrows arched as if they'd been hit in their underbelly.

Jake explained, "You won Carol's heart, and you've kept it. I'm sure you nurture her. If you think my request isn't completely outrageous, ask her to consider it."

"I can't tell you what she'll think."

Jake laughed, "That makes two of us. But I think Carol will quickly be able to tell both of us what to think of me. And if she believes I could change enough that folks could think something more of me."

Jake looked Dave directly in the eye, "I am NOT trying to rekindle an old relationship. That's why I need you to be there. It's a weird situation: Carol and I had history. If she says anything that isn't derogatory about me, you might think she still feels something for me. She doesn't: I saw that light go out in her eyes in person. I saw the scorn and anger in her eyes when she discovered what I'd done. I saw the cold dispassion when we parted forever. I need you there to see her reactions in real-time, so you know beyond doubt she doesn't harbor any positive feelings for me."

Jake chewed the side of his lip, "She thought I was more than what I was. If I had been I wouldn't have done what I did. Carol has a perspective of what I can be, and what I am, that's escaping me.

"My own diagnosis is pretty bleak: I was a fuck up, a tool. I don't think I'm a tool anymore." Jake chewed on the side of his lip, "But I'm still certainly a fuck up. I'm a fuck up as a man. That's something you don't want to admit in front of another man, although I'm admitting it to you right off the bat. There's not going to be any behaviors or any thoughts your wife would want to hide from you about me. Nothing you should be worried about. But I don't want to plant a seed of doubt in your mind, so I need you to be there."

Jake's head hung, "I'm not going to talk of anything intimate or physical." Jake hated being embarrassed in front of another man, "Look, you're clearly the victor here. I'm in the front row rooting for you as a big fan. I'm not trying to tear you down. That's the opposite of what I want. I don't want to be you, but I want to be as much like you as I can be and still be me. I don't want to be a phony, fooling others or myself."

Dave stared at him unsure how to respond.

Jake looked at his feet, "I don't know that I said that well."

Dave studied him then offered, "You want to be your best self."

Jake stared at the sidewalk, "Yeah. Yeah, that's it. Except right now, I don't think I'm a good self, and I'm wondering if I'm even capable of being good."

Dave ground his teeth, "I think a man laying himself low, who comes to another he has reason to dislike and shows him the respect you've shown me, is heading in the right direction. To admit your failings to me, when I have something that was very important to you, I'd say you've got good building blocks for a sound foundation. Hang on here in your car while I talk to Carol. Maybe we can have you inside for some iced tea?"

"No!" Jake said with unexpected energy. "I'm part of a past that should NOT intrude upon Carol's present. I feel like my being in your house would be like clomping big muddy boots across your newly carpeted life together."

Dave blinked a few times, "I ... think I understand what you're saying." Dave blinked a few more times trying to convince himself he really did understand. When he gave up, he asked, "What do you suggest?"

"I don't want to go to a restaurant where we can't talk openly or, frankly, where I'd be dressed down publicly. But I do think we should meet in public." Giving his neck a rest, Jake rubbed his chin, "There's a big central park a few blocks away I drove past several times trying to screw up the courage to stop and talk to you. It had picnic tables. If you agreed to see me, I could bring lunch. Just tell me what you like, maybe we could get together there. No one would get close enough to hear, so there'd be no embarrassment for you two saying what you have to say to me. I hope we can get together and you can point me in a better direction."

Dave held out his hands to the poor man, "Hold on a second, I'll be right back."

Jake tried to quell his sudden panic, "Wait! It might be a while. It might be a long while talking to Carol about me, especially my asking her to help me when I have NO right to. I don't want to screw up your whole day. How about if I don't hear from you in twenty minutes I'll just leave, and never bother you again." Jake's stomach had become a scale model of a washing machine.

Dave confidently replied, "I'm pretty sure I'll be out in ten."

Jake's anxiety rose, "No, I'll disappear, maybe just txt me to confirm that she didn't want any part of my idea sometime and you'll never have to see my face again. I mean that response I will confirmation I'm hopeless. T-That confirmation ... would be a big help. I'd have my marching orders that I should just forget ever having a romantic relationship. I'll get it and won't argue the point. Just having a definitive answer in my life would be a blessing. I don't know what's up or what's wrong with me, definitive answers are exactly what I'm lacking in my life. Carol will do me a huge favor just telling me to drop dead."

Dave nodded slowly while slightly reevaluating the situation, "You'll see me in less than fifteen minutes." He walked inside his house.

At the eight-minute mark Dave and Carol came out of their well-kept starter home. They gave each other an awkward smile. Then Dave nodded to Jake who sat in his car drumming his fingers on the steering wheel. Jake gave a nervous nod back. Then his stomach dropped through the floor as Dave turned and walked back inside the house.

Jake wasn't aware that he'd stopped drumming his fingers or that he was now raking them through his hair.

Carol set her gaze on the man in the car. Upon seeing her, Jake felt her presence, it was all he could do to not avert his eyes. He forced himself to keep his face forward. If she wanted to show him what she really felt about him, he owed her the opportunity. Pouring scorn on him was her prerogative.

Carol looked Jake up and down with an incredulous expression. At least she hadn't been in a rush to hit him. She didn't rush to hug him either. When Carol finally moved it was with long purposeful strides. She walked right up to the car. Jake worried it was so she could look him right in the eye as she punched him right in the nose.

Carol stood beside the car a moment, started to say something which obviously wasn't going to be nice. She stopped, the words catching as she looked Jake directly in his eyes. She started to say something else, then stymied that too. Her head crooked to the side, then she just stopped and put her hands on her hips. Then her hands made fists as she slowly crossed her arms across her chest, then her hands dropped back to her hips as she appraised him. She said amazed, "This is legit, isn't it?"

Jake nodded saying softly and genuinely, "Congratulations on your marriage. Just from the time I've spent talking to him, I think you picked a great guy. Hell, just that he'd speak to me at all. I've certainly heard great things about him. Everybody we used to know was determined to tell me just how wonderful he was. They ground it in how happy they were that you were with a great guy instead of the loser you almost got trapped with."

Carol noted Jakes' lack of acrimony. He really did seem happy for her. Further, Jake seemed to agree with the deprecating description of himself.

"I was happy to hear it, Carol. You deserve the best," the slowness of Jake's nod matched the quietness of his voice.

Carol wondered if Jake was trying to disarm her, but her gut told her no. Nor did she discern any attempt at manipulation.

Jake's expression became truly pained, "Carol, I messed up again." He put his hands up in surrender, "I didn't cheat though. Not this time; never again! I-I think I messed up one of three different ways, but I can't be sure which, or even if it's one of those three. You don't owe me a thing, but all want is to tell you what happened in the hopes that maybe you could confirm what I did wrong." Jake dropped his head further f before adding, "Your diagnosis means more to me than my own.

"Look, I'm admitting right now that regardless of what it was, it was my fault. I'm not trying to redirect the problem back to Beth. That wouldn't matter, she's already gone. I have to deal with this myself. Beth was a decent person, perhaps a little fast to pull the trigger on ending our relationship, but I'm sure I gave her cause."

Jake fought hard to keep the pleading tone out of his voice, "I-I'm not as bad as I was with you, although obviously I'm not as good as I need to be. I just need to sort out everything I need to work on, and hopefully the priority in which they need to be worked on. I just want to fix myself. I don't want to be alone forever. And I sure don't want to keep hurting good people. I must fix myself!"

Jake peered into Carol's face as if hoping she'd be proud of him in some way. She quickly sorted out that Jake simply hoped she'd see he'd changed. She correctly surmised he was desperate for her to understand he was sincere about changing.

"I fixed a lot. I fixed what was wrong about me that led to ... what I did to you. I'll always remember how profoundly disappointed you were in me and your life in general when you learned of my cheating. I knew there was nothing I could say or do; we were over, and you were terribly damaged. I truly never wanted to cause that level of disappointment again." Jake looked at his former fiancé bewildered, "I was true to her, Carol. I was faithful but screwed up some other way. I just don't know how. I understand that not knowing also paints a pretty damning portrait of me."

Jake looked up bashful again. "I'm hoping that," he looked at her house, "with your husband's blessing, you will help me figure it out. I'm not looking for anything protracted, I just need to set my compass. I'm in a downward spiral. It depends on which side of the rotation I'm on as to how I blame myself, it's too contradicting to make any headway. I need to know where to apply my energy; right now, I'm just spinning in place.

"Carol, you know me so well, especially my weak and bad points. The only other person who knows me that well is the only other person to throw me out of their life. You're uniquely qualified to tell me my worst faults so I can improve myself, and as a sweetener you get to tell me off at the same time!" Jake's enthusiasm was faked, though he'd really hoped telling him off would be an incentive.

While Carol hated when Jake cheated on her, she was far from happy at his level of damage.

Before Carol could respond Jake was nervously chattering again, "I know you should root for me to fall except we're talking about a real tailspin here. If you wanted me down, your wish has come true. It feels like if I don't finally get things right this time, I'll never be good for anyone. I never wanted to be bad for anyone, ever. I was too cocky; I saw no faults in myself, but I think you know me well enough to know I wasn't evil. I wasn't out to get something for myself at other's expense, though it worked out exactly like that. I wasn't trying to do wrong; I was selfish and weak. I don't think those are my major problems now, but I did something wrong. Frankly, I was thanking my lucky stars I had a second chance at love with Beth. I was true, so it must be something innate about me that drives good women away."

Jake suddenly looked very confused, "Except I must have something good in me. I must be capable of doing something right, because I've attracted two really good women enough that they wanted to marry me." Jake was bewildered.

Carol's hesitation on how to answer that point was just enough to let Jake's desperate meander regenerate.

"But one won't have anything to do with me at all and the other probably shouldn't. Being honest, I-I treated you worse than Beth. There's the rub: I never wanted to treat you badly. In the spur of the moment, I just wanted something so badly I took it knowing it could hurt you. That's no good, and I swore I'd never do that again. I didn't this time, I swear."