This is the third of a four part story involving two confused sisters and an equally confused young man.
++++++++++
Sunday, December 23rd 2012
Since the day Marty and I made our final split, the day I watched as she drove back toward Hagerstown with Virna her sister in her car following I'd been working to put my life back in order. The fall semester was just about over. I'd signed up for an easy class offering during the winter session. After that there'd only be one more class and I'd be in a position to apply for jobs back on the Eastern Shore. Yeah I'd be out of this shit hole. I could start my life over back home.
Well it was Christmas; I'd sent everyone in Marty's family presents. I figured I'd be going home Christmas day. I normally pulled the day shift on Tuesdays, but had changed with a nurse who wanted to be home Christmas night. My plan was to finish up Monday's shift, get in my car, drive to the Shore, see my folks all day, and get back in time for my friend's shift, but then my friend called at almost the last minute and changed her mind. She wanted her regular hours back so it looked like a working Christmas for me.
I still had the recordings of Marty when she was with Allen and when she'd talked to her relatives. I thought until I got the final decree in March I'd better hold on to them. Anyway it was Sunday morning and I didn't have to go in till 4:00 p.m. I thought I'd waste some more time by listening to hear if the recorder I'd hidden in our old apartment living room had anything. Of course anything on it was pretty old, but curiosity, being what it is, got the better of me so I turned the dumb thing on.
Mostly what I heard was nonsense; just noise from the kitchen and the bedroom, the television once in a while, and some occasional crying. It was Marty doing the crying; yeah poor sweet little Mariella Ricarda Milano boo hooing because she'd cheated and lost her man.
I didn't know much about Italian names but Ricarda sounded like a boy's name. I guessed her father had to stick something in somewhere.
Now I'd converted to Catholicism to marry Marty, but I was still a Presbyterian at heart. Presbyterians are an odd lot. Anyone would think considering some of the basic tenets of the denomination they'd be depressed as hell but all in all they're pretty upbeat.
For the uninitiated Presbyterians are Calvinists; and at the core that means we believe in predestination, we believe people are all naturally inclined toward evil, and free will is just one of the jokes God plays on us. Come on; don't believe me? God builds a paradisial garden; he gives man mastery of it, but slips in one plant he can't touch. Then oh yeah, he gives the man a brain, a natural sense of curiosity, and then he provides the fool with a meddlesome helpmate, a woman. It doesn't take a Steven Hawking to figure that sooner or later one of them is going to taste the forbidden plant. Even so God must have gotten impatient because he slithered in a serpent. Yeah, free will my ass. God knew, sooner or later they'd try the forbidden fruit, and once that happened, well show time!
So back to the recording; what do they say - 'it was curiosity that killed the cat'. I listened to the fucking tape. It was dated the Friday a week before I had moved out.
Like I said most of the recording was trash, but there was one conversation that well...when I heard it I felt I wasn't done with the Milanos, not quite yet.
Marty and her scheming sister had been in the living room. I got an ear full.
Marty started, "Virna I know he still loves me. I'm going to keep him."
"Marty," Virna started, "he might love you till the day he dies, but he's leaving. You can't change it."
"No Virna I'm gonna keep him. I'll make love to him. I'll get him in bed. You'll see."
"You might get him to have sex with you Marty, but it won't be love, not for him. Marty sweetie you burned that bridge. I know him. He might sleep with you. He might even enjoy it, but that man, he's too deep, he's too much of a thinker. He'll screw you but he'll be thinking about Allen. He'll think about the things you said to Allen. He'll lie there and think about what he saw. You'll only make it worse. Hell Marty he might not even be able to get it up. If I know Gary; the pain could be too intense."
Marty retorted, "Then I'll be good. I mean extra good around the house. He likes to look at me. I'll dress prettily. He'll see me trying. I'll work hard to keep the apartment nice for him. I'll be super sweet. I'll win him back. You watch."
I was surprised at the depth of Virna's understanding when she replied, "Marty honey let me tell you about men, and let me explain something about Gary. You do all that and he'll only see guilt. He's a man; he'll think you're behaving that way out of guilt, but that won't matter. I think he'd forgive you anyway. I think he'd try to assuage your guilt, but there's more to it with him. There's trust. Gary would take a lazy wife, even a bitchy wife, but he needs trust."
I heard Marty try to say something but Virna must have held up her hand or something because it was Virna who kept talking, "No Marty it won't work. Look dear you were never lazy; a little sloppy maybe but never lazy. And bitchy? Not you. I'm the bitch in the family. You were good around Gary; at least up until Allen showed up. When you started in with Allen you changed. I saw it so you know he did. Come on once you were as sweet as a piece of fresh fudge then you became a prickly pear. Marty you've lost Gary's trust. You can't just get that back. Why even if he took you back every time he'd go to work or to some class he'd wonder. It would tear him up inside. In the end it would destroy what love he still has."
"You think he still loves me?"
"Of course he does. I bet he's cried his eyes out. He lost something, or someone, special, and he knows he's never getting that back."
I heard what sounded like some kind of movement so one or the other of them must have drawn closer. It must have been Virna, "Give him up Marty. You're just a kid. He hasn't left you any packages like Tommy left me. You can get past this. There'll be other guys. Use this experience to make you stronger."
I heard Marty whimper, "I'm sorry Virna. I stole him from you. You wanted him. It's not too late...maybe you could..."
I heard Virna interrupt. Virna did that a lot. She always liked to have the last word. I heard her say, "No he's gone. He'll most likely move back to 'Sandy Bottom' or 'Dog Patch', or whatever that place is where he came from. No, Western Maryland was his big adventure. I wouldn't be surprised if he moved back and never got married again," I heard her chuckle, "he is an asshole after all."
Marty must have perked up, "You still like him. I think he cares about you too. I bet he'd marry you if you asked."
Virna had a comeback, and I didn't like it, "Marty there's too much going on now. He married one Milano girl. He's not the type to try a second. Besides why would I want him around with you here? There'd be too much heartbreak. No he's gone. As a marriage partner, even if he did want me, he's out of the question."
To my surprise Marty had a truly lucid moment, "You care about him don't you. You love him Virna. Gee, if I'd hadn't...you'd marry him wouldn't you. You would wouldn't you."
The silence that percolated through the recording was like ice; Virna finally said something, "Tammy's crazy about him. I think for Tammy...," I heard her; she started to cry. Pretty soon Marty was crying too. I started to turn the damn thing off but changed my mind. I needed to hear it all.
I wish I hadn't. I heard Virna really open up, "I do have feelings for him. I guess yes, yes I do love him. Marty he was so noble that night you were drunk. He stood up to a mean crowd. I tell you they really wanted you. He stood up to them. He was really brave. Ever since then I've watched him. He's always done the manly thing. He's a true American hero, he's 'the real McCoy'. God Marty if you hadn't," she was crying again.
They must have been in a particularly tight embrace. Marty's crying and tears sounded as close as Virna's weepy comments. I heard another odd noise; one must have kissed the other. I bet it was Virna kissing Marty. She was sobbing, "It's not that I'd necessarily ever marry him; it's just that..." she gasped out a sob, "he's going to leave. He'll be out of our lives, and we'll never see him again, Jesus Marty he'll be gone. Oh I wish..." they both seemed to burst into an avalanche of tears then.
I turned off the recorder. I'd had no idea.
++++++++++
Things had certainly gotten more complicated. Virna had made some difficult observations. For one did I want to say goodbye to the Milanos, to Virna, to Marty forever? I'd become connected to these people, to the two women. In retrospect I realized I'd been around Virna almost as much as I'd been around my former wife.
Just as bad, Virna might be right; I could see myself moving back in with my foster parents, getting a job, and taking care of them till they died. Sure I'd see other women, but just for the sex. I could see myself dying a lonely old bachelor.
I needed to clear the air. I was confused. I needed to wrap my feelings around who I was and what I wanted; a good dose of Virna the bitch might just do the trick. Yeah, I ought to go see Virna; no real chance of that though, not for a while. This was Sunday, and Sunday's she spent with Tammy. I couldn't impose on her and her daughter two days before Christmas. Monday was Christmas Eve, and Tuesday was Christmas; both family days, and the last thing I wanted to do was be around the Milanos on Christmas.
I'd sent them all presents. I'd sent Mom and dad Milano each gift cards; dad got a Lowes card, mom got one for Walmart. I'd played it safe with the girls. I'd looked all around till I found a boutique that sold specialty items. They agreed to monogram three sets of handkerchiefs; one set had M.R.M. for Marty, a second set had T.T.M. for Tammy Maria Milano, and the third set had V.C.M. for Virna Cella Milano. I remembered when I did it that I thought Marty could still pretend the last M could stand for her married name. I also remembered the V.C.M. and the T.M.M. could have been for Matthews too, but I knew that was stupid.
So it was Sunday and I didn't have to work yet. I went in the front room of my new apartment, turned on the radio, laid on the lumpy old sofa, and jerked off. Funny, I jerked off to a mental image of Virna wearing a pale blue mini-dress with translucent sleeves, with very feminine nearly transparent capped shoulders, a scooped neck, and with frilly little ruffles everywhere. I imagined I could see through the dress to her dark nipples and furry patch. I'd never actually seen her puss, but I imagined it was dark, neatly trimmed, and scrumptiously furry. It was quite delightful. In my mind's eye I was gently stroking her head with my hand while she languorously, no lovingly took me in her mouth. In my fantasy she finished and smiled up at me adoringly.
After I was finished I sighed. I took some napkins and cleaned up the gooey mess. I lay there all rested and relaxed and then I did it again.
Monday sucked; I worked and jerked off again. I thought about going to Midnight Mass, but chickened out. I didn't want to risk running into the Milanos.
Tuesday came and after another quickie fantasy with Virna I went in to work. I thought, 'shit I better stop. I'd wanked off more in the last two days than all last year. I was sure God took a dim view of that kind of thing.'
Hard core Calvinists believed there was this 'Book of Life' somewhere. A person got their name in it only at conception, and only a few people got written in. No matter who a person was, no matter how faithfully they believed, no matter how good their life was, if they weren't in 'The Book' at the start they couldn't get to Heaven. However, one misstep, just one mistake, and a person's name could be rubbed out. I sure didn't want to get rubbed out because of a severe case of blue balls, and I knew I sure couldn't blame it on Virna, she was Catholic and played by a different set of rules.
That wasn't right either; one of the priests warned me that a man's semen was the 'conceptus', and masturbation was a mortal sin, kind of like 'man abortion'. Shit I was damned either way. What the hell, if that was the case it didn't matter. Just before I left for work I lay back on the bed, put my left arm over my eyes, imagined Virna on her knees at my feet, and jerked off again. As I got back up I chuckled to myself, 'I wondered if Virna knew what she was doing to me.' Yeah, I wondered did she know it would be her fault if I went to hell.
++++++++++
I was in a patient's room, an older woman whose eyesight wasn't too good. She'd broken her hip and was recovering from surgery. She was only sixty-seven so the likelihood of a full recovery was pretty good. She looked lonely. She said something to me, "You look kind of out of it son. You all right?"
I smiled, "I'm fine. Your hip's good. How do you feel?"
