A Tale of Many Mistaes

Over the next months, I went on a few dates but I soon realize that the dating scene wasn't for me. I never felt at ease with these women, not enough to be my self. I wasn't insecure. I was simply not interested. It was harder and harder to put on an act to charm the ladies.

Was I bracing myself for a life alone? Was that what was in store for me in my old age? I didn't know. All I knew was that I was withdrawing.

I was losing focus on trying to be happy. The only remnants of my former blissful life were my children, but now they were each living their own life. When Mary was still living at home, I had many chances to be with her. But now it seemed that all I could manage was to see her once every two months. I was a bit envious that she was seeing her Mom more often, but living an hour drive from town, it was to be expected that she would not simply stop by on her way home.

At work too I was feeling distant toward my job and my colleagues. Don't get me wrong! Tammy and Mike are two wonderful folks who are nice to be around. But if I was ready to retire at 47, I was now totally fed up with my job near my 52nd birthday. I had furnished my den as a carbon copy of my office at work. And more often than not, I would simply work from home, going in town maybe once or twice a week.

Without constant interruptions, and saving two hours commute everyday, my work output didn't decline. I was even more productive. It was easier to lose myself on a project, go over every line of programming, and present a glitch-free program to the floor.

My birthday came and went in a subdued manner. Mark and Mary phoned and I received a birthday card signed by Mary, her husband and Eileen. Seeing her signature on the card didn't even bother me. I had no feeling whatsoever.

One Saturday afternoon in June, I heard a car pull-up in the driveway. I looked, and it was Mary's little car. Overjoyed by that unexpected surprise, I went to meet her on the back deck. Oh, oh! Her face was covered with tears. She ran up the stairs and threw herself in my arm.

"Oh Daddy!"

She was crying and more tears were rolling down her cheeks. She tried to put a few words together through her sobbing but it was unintelligible. The only words I caught were "... not ... Mommy".

Something happened to Eileen?

On that thought, a wave of fear rolled over me. Feelings I had suppressed for the last five years came flooding back to me. Years of anger were suddenly washed away in that instant vision of Eileen being hurt. Bitterness and resentment were pushed aside by a stronger feeling, the strongest of all, my love for the wife I lost five years ago. All these years I knew without acknowledging it that the height of my anger and the depth of my wound from her betrayal simply reflected the magnitude of the love I felt for her.

Without that colossal and deep-rooted love for Eileen, all feelings of anger and sadness would have left me sooner than later. In a split second, I realized how unfair I had been with all the other women I dated. They could never compete with my feelings for Eileen that were still very much alive in me. I knew now that I clung to my anger as a twisted way to keep my feelings for Eileen alive. And now I might lose her.

"Did something happen to Mommy? Is... is she hurt?" I asked with tears welling in my eyes.

"No...! It's David. I ... I caught him in bed with a girl" Mary said and resumed crying as she dropped to the floor.

I sat there with her as much to comfort her as to let my legs go back to normal. They felt like jelly and I was shaking. While hugging Mary I said a few soothing words for her sake and mine.

My cell phone rang. I was tempted to let it ring then decided to look at the display. It was Eileen. I took the call.

"Hi!" was all I said. I didn't trust my voice not to convey the shredded emotions I still felt.

"Kieran! Something happened to Mary! David just phoned and he is looking all over for her", she said.

I did sense the panic that must be overwhelming her. I reassured her right away.

"It's alright Eileen! She's here with me. She's a mess. I'll phone you back later."

"But what happened? What..." she started to say but I interrupted her.

"No Eileen! I'll call you back as soon as possible. Trust me!".

"I do" was all she said, and she hung up.

I finally convinced Mary to get up and come to the living room. When her crying subsided a bit, I learned the same sad story of a cheating spouse and the crushed heart of the one scorned.

"Everything will be alright, Baby!" I said. "You have Mom and me to take care of you... after I go and beat the shit out of your husband if you don't mind."

A weak smile appeared on her face.

"No need, Daddy! I took care of that. I... I broke granny's nice flower vase, the one she gave me for the wedding. I broke it on his head."

I looked at her then laughed aloud. I kissed her and hugged her very close.

"That's my girl!"

She disengaged herself a bit from my embrace and planted a big kiss on me.

"I am so sorry Daddy!"

"You don't need to be sorry. It's not your fault. It's that asshole husband of yours", I said.

She looked at me, sadness painted all over her face.

"No, not that, Daddy! I'm sorry that I didn't understand what you went through when... when".

I took her again in my arms. "No need for that Baby, it's all in the past." I gently said.

And that was true. For the first time in five years, I was able to let go of my pain, my sorrow, my bitterness, and the betrayal I felt each time I thought about Eileen.

"But I have you and Mom, and we left you all by yourself. I love you Daddy".

There was no need for words. All she needed was a loving parent by her side while she healed herself.

"Daddy, do you still hate Mom as much as I hate David now?", she asked after a while, thoughtful.

Not so long ago my answer would have been "Yes, with a passion!" but I wasn't so sure anymore. The emotions I felt when I wrongly assumed that something happened to Eileen were totally revealing. I still cared for the woman, even if I doubted that I could love her as much as before.

"No Baby! Those feelings go away after a while, a bit at a time. It will be easier for you. You are young. And now your Mom will have to keep busy again chasing the young boys away from the door."

I was very happy with the little smile that I was able to get.

"Speaking of your Mom" I said, "I'd better call her back. She's worried."

"Do you have to?", Mary asked. "That's why I came here. I knew you would understand. Mom..."

"Don't be silly now girl! Your Mom loves you very much and is probably pacing back and forth in the living-room waiting for my call".

Eileen answered on the first ring. I had to explain what happened, and that I didn't intend to brush her off, but that Mary was a total wreck and needed all my attention. She understood. And she understood too why Mary came to me and not to her. To my own surprise, and probably Eileen's, I didn't indulge in a guilt-provoking tirade, as I would have not so long ago.

"I think she will need to stay here for a little while, but next week I am going to pick up her stuff at her place and she will be moving back with you. It's best with the college close to your place." I said. "Is that Ok?"

"Yes, it would be best. Tell her to call me. Tell her that I love her very, very much", said Eileen.

"I will! Bye Eileen! Don't worry about her" I replied.

Young kids are resilient. She still felt betrayed and scorned by her husband, but Mary came back into her own quickly. I finally spent a wonderful week with her, rejects in similar love debacles not of our doing. Hey, we were feeling so good that I even let Eileen hug me when we showed up at her house with Mary's belongings.

After that, I returned to my aimless life.

***

I was driving the young escort back to her apartment in town. She was a regular and didn't mind coming out to my place. I think in a way, she was fond of me and liked the peaceful surroundings of my country estate. She was full of life and always spent at least half a day, and sometimes the night with me. She always took good care of my physical needs.

It started to mist on the way back. The mist turned to rain then to a downpour. I was only minutes away from home. In a curve, a pick-up truck came sliding into my lane. A reflexive turn of my steering wheel caused me to lose control of my car. The last thing I remember was a witty remark: "Fuck!", then the car flew off the road toward some big looming trees.

Eileen

I was on duty that Saturday. With my seniority, it doesn't happen often, but due to the summer vacations, we were short and everybody had to pitch in. I lead by example my reports say. I was in ORL doing my usual administrative tasks when a friend came to me.

"Eileen, I think you should come down with me", was all she said stiffly. I was puzzled. 'Down' means Admissions or the ER.

There must be an emergency because she went for the stairs instead of waiting for the elevator. She was almost running.

"Hey wait! What's happening?"

Taking the stairs two at a time, she said "A car crashed off the 129. He's in real bad shape. It's..." she didn't have to finish. "Kieran" I yelled.

A rush of adrenalin passed through me, sending heat waves to every part of my body. I rushed past her, flying down the stairs. In the Emergency Room, another friend stopped me.

"Sorry Eileen, you're off-limits. It's Kieran. We don't know yet the extent of his injuries but we fear internal trauma, his anterior rib cage was pretty smashed in. Lung perforated for sure, but we have to open him. Call the kids and I will let you know what we find."

And then another nurse, two orderlies and a doctor came from the ER, pushing a gurney toward the operating room. Despite all the traumas I had witnessed, all the injuries I had help heal, the sight of the bloody mass on the gurney was overwhelming. In a split second, I knew that it was indeed serious. I grabbed my friend for support because my legs were giving out.

Nurses are either strong or well aware of physics. My friend noticed right away the obvious signs that I was fainting. She grabbed me and in a swift motion helped me to a seat across the corridor.

"I know it's hard for you Eileen, but you have to get a grip. The kids need to know, and they need their Mom. Take a few minutes to recover then start phoning. I'll be back", she said, then went toward the operating room.

My other friend was by my side. At last, the red film in front of my eyes was going away but I started to hyperventilate.

"Now, take it easy Eileen. Breath deep and slow! Keep it in, then let go! Again...", she coaxed me into calming down.

And then I cried. I must have been a sorry sight in the ward. My friend kept telling me to calm down and prepare myself for the kids. She was adamant with the reference to the kids. Old trick! We all do that to focus relatives and friends of trauma patients on something else, something important, or somebody not at risk of dying. I knew it, but it worked. I was still crying and sobbing but back in enough control to ask my friend to get my cell.

It was hard to phone them. I started with the levelheaded Mark. I didn't have to beat around the bush, and within the next minute he was on his way to the airport. It was a bit harder with Mary. Since her marriage problems, her Daddy was everything to her. It had been difficult for me at times when she rightly linked David's behavior to mine, but her Daddy was the most important parent in her life. Very soon, she was in my arms and we were crying together.

***

Kieran

I felt heavy and totally numb. I remember one time waking up on a bed, with no one around and machines beeping in the background. I wasn't able to turn my head. I tried to focus on the room but was unable to do so. I tried to move but felt a sharp pain running through my chest. "Ow!" Then some one came to the foot of my bed. A nurse! She turned to her left and said " I think he is coming around!" Then I saw Eileen, looking ashen, sick. I passed out again.

***

I opened my eyes again. I was in another room. A nurse was watching the display on a machine. I tried to move my head but I was encased in a brace of sorts and pain shot through my neck. "Ow!" She turned toward me.

"Well, welcome back among the living...", she looked at my chart. " Mr. O'Malley. I will have the doctor in here pretty soon".

True to her word, a doctor walked in. I faintly recognized him. I had met him a few times before.

"Hello Kieran! I am glad to announce that you will recover, but it will be a long process. First with the small injuries! Broken jaw, broken nose, but fortunately you avoided severe head injury. There are many hairline fractures on your tibias, but your femurs took most of the impact. You have a fractured right femur and some damage to your hipbone. It will be a while before you can walk normally. The most painful injuries will probably be your ribs. Some are broken, plus you had a perforated lung, and many cracked ribs. Except for the lung on your left side, the ribs didn't damage any other organ, just tears in soft tissues here and there. And now for the worst... brace yourself... your mechanic said that the car is a total loss"

He looked at me with a little smile on his lips. " Sorry about that! You have all my sympathy. And now, it's time for a little family procession. One at a time! Good luck in your recovery!"

Soon after, Mary came in. She approached the bed tentatively, then came to hug me cautiously.

"I was so, SO afraid for you, Daddy!" and she started to cry.

My arms seemed to be the only limbs that didn't seemed to be fix to the bed, so I gently put my arm around her. God it hurt even moving a bit but nothing too painful. I was filled with painkiller. She cried for the whole minute she was there

Then it was Mark's turn to walk in.

"Hi old man! You look like shit", he said and came to give me a careful hug. "I don't want to break any more bones".

I tried to say that I was tougher than that but it came out, with my jaw brace like " I a oug er an at".

"Oh wow!", he said. "Wait till Mom learns that you can't speak!" He spent his little minute to tease me.

Eileen came next. Although extremely pale and obviously tired, she looked as lovely as ever. She simply came by my side and took my hand between her two hands.

"You gave us a fright", she said simply. Then her face crumbled, and tears came flooding out of her eyes.

"I was so afraid to lose you."

Funny saying that! I was lost to her five years ago.

She was rubbing my hand on her face, kissing it over and over.

"I know you don't like when I say it, but I love you so much", she said then bent down and kissed my lips gently.

A tear fell from her eye onto my face.

Not long after that, the nurse came back, pushed a button on a machine, and I fell asleep.

I stayed two long weeks in the hospital. Mark had to go back to work, but Mary and Eileen were always there. They were in my room every evening and were planning my recovery. I did not have much say about that. Not only because my speaking ability was impeded, but also because you don't interfere with the women's planning in that family. I was not comatose enough not to realize the leap I had just taken, referring to Eileen as part of my family.

What choice did I have? On the one hand, she was constantly fussing around me, taking liberties with small touches and kisses, and repeating how much she loved me. It was feeling disturbingly good. Many times, I refrained from an urge to return her kisses. On the other hand, completely immobile for the most part, I was at their total mercy.

They achieved quite a feat moving me back home. I was covered in a cast from the waist down and had many layers of soft and rigid supports on my torso. My head was still held in place with a neck-brace and a jaw brace. My nose was still in a stiff bandage. I hurt all over but the worst was the chest pain where my ribs were healing. Many of Eileen's friends were on hand to help me move from the hospital to the guest room in Eileen's house, our former house.

Mark flew back for the occasion. Tammy and Mike were there too with a lot of good wishes from the whole crew at work. Even granny, looking very frail, came and gave me a hug.

The bedroom was set up like a hospital room. They rolled my wheelchair in and settled me in the bed. Soon, the guests left, even Mark. I was a bit anxious to be sleeping in my old house for the first time in over five years. Also, it is one thing to have a professional help when you pee and defecate; it is another to have your ex-wife and daughter do it. Let's just say, it is embarrassing.

That evening, Mary and Eileen were fussing around me. After a while, when I was feeling a bit groggy, Eileen sent Mary to sleep. She continued to fuss around then she settled down sitting on the bed beside me.

"You would probably choose to be somewhere else, but please, for the sake of Mary, let me take care of you, let US take care of you" she finally said.

"But your work", I wanted to say. "u ur ork"

They became quite adept at deciphering my talk. "Don't worry Honey, I took a leave of absence for a few weeks."

Unable to do anything, I would have to submit to the girls' will.