A Reflection Of My Regret

I looked at the clock on the wall. 11:55 pm. Soon it would be over.

Everyone in the room was quiet, as the curtain behind the glass inched opened. I saw to the left, the warden and standing next to him two prison guards.

To my right, stood a man dressed in a white lab coat standing in front of a small table. On it lay a trio of chemicals. The first was an anesthetic. The second was to paralyze. The third was to stop the heart. My mind began to wander. Was he really a doctor? Did the prison really need a doctor to give a lethal injection? Couldn't a nurse or even a phlebotomist do this? Strange the thoughts that were creeping into my mind.

11:57 pm

At least the clock was digital so I did not have to hear the insistent tick tick ticking that comes with a traditional timepiece.

My mind began to wander again thinking back to what led me to this point in my life.

It started in college when I literally ran into Becky during lunch. I spilled my entire milkshake on her, embarrassing both of us. After multiple apologies and some begging, she agreed to go to dinner with me. Our relationship progressed. We dated for about 4 years, and as everyone expected, we were married in a beautiful ceremony in front of our friends and family.

6 years later, we were on top of the world. Becky had risen quickly to the number two spot at the most successful real estate business in town. She was a natural at selling things. In parallel, my self-owned business as a bush pilot / hunting guide / trapper had recently been written up in a series of magazines as one of the top hunting experiences in the upper Midwest. My schedule was filled for the next 30 months. Life was good for both of us.

So, it came as a surprise when Becky came home and announced to me that we were pregnant. Apparently, her cold medicine interacted with her birth control pill and to quote a proud Canadian, "I had slipped one past the goalie."

Even unplanned, we were extremely happy with the pregnancy, and decided that we would start the next phase of our lives together as we had been doing for the last 10 years. We told our parents and friends, and they were overjoyed with our announcement.

It came to us as an even bigger surprise when the baby was born and it was clear to everyone in the delivery room that she was definitely not mine. Let's just say the child's race did not match mine and leave it at that.

After what seemed liked minutes of silence between the doctors and the nurses, I let loose into Becky with both guns a blazing. Words like fuck, slut, unfaithful whore and even cunt were flying from my mouth. I held nothing back, and she said nothing. She stared at me in shock. I continued on for a few more minutes before I eventually tired out. Everyone but the baby who was crying in the background remained silent. Not a word. Not from the hospital staff and not from Becky. So, I left.

I walked right out of the hospital without talking to anyone and went to be by myself for a while. I figured I needed to collect my thoughts without any outside influence. With my hunting and survival skills, I could have remained off grid for months if not years, so there was little fear of anyone finding me and trying to give me the excuses I am sure Becky was concocting in her mind.

Looking back, this was probably the worst thing I could have done to myself. A strong imagination is not your friend. Isolation makes your imagination even stronger. For a solid week, I imagined and created every possible scenario of what Becky and some stranger or strangers could have done. Where they did it. How they did it. What she said about me. Everything and anything became possible in my imagination. My mind was in a very dark place most of the time, and as the week passed, it only got darker.

After a week of self-loathing and solitude alone the mountains, I made the decision to come home and end this charade. I got in my truck and proceeded to drive to my residence.

By the time the police got there, Becky and her daughter were already dead. Multiple gun shot wounds to each made it quick and messy.

The arrest was also quick given the mountain of evidence. The Ring doorbell cam footage. Witness statements from the neighbors after they heard the gun shots. The murder weapon. The bullets. The shells. The forensics. It led to a quick trial and an even quicker verdict of death by lethal injection.

11:59 pm

For the first time since the curtain opened, I looked straight ahead. There looking at me was Jacob. The previous owner of the real estate company my wife worked at and the father to her bastard child. Her boss. We locked eyes on one another and instead of that smugness I had come to know him for, I only saw fear. Fear of dying.

I had found out during the trial that after Becky had her daughter, she met with both our parents and confessed everything. She had hoped that we could talk and work something out. Apparently after they closed a multi-million dollar deal nine months ago, she and her boss had gotten drunk and they had "spontaneous" sex on his desk.

One mistake is what she told our parents. She said she immediately regretted it, and that it never happened again. Apparently, she agonized over telling me, but in the end made the decision that she would suffer with the secret her whole life, instead of both of us. Apparently, she never wanted to hurt me.

Even as smart as she was, she never even considered that baby could be his until everyone in the delivery room shut up when she was born.

The day after she was released from the hospital, she called her boss and quit, and then she called her bosses wife and confessed everything to her.

She and her daughter were dead by his hands less than one hour later.

12:06 am

It's over. He's dead. My therapist was the one that made me come to this. She said I needed this for closure, so I could get on with my life.

Do I feel closure? No.

Do I feel a sense of relief? No.

Do I feel vindication? No.

What I feel is nothing. Just the same numbness as I have felt for the last 11 years since I lost Becky.