A Letter and a Confession

Maybe if I write a full confession I will be able to find some peace and get some rest.

Don and I (Alice) would have been married fifty-three years this weekend. But instead I'm alone and lonely with terrible floods of memories coming back to haunt me. There is no excuse for what I did. Fortunately, my guilt and shame had made me straighten up and toe the line about fifty years ago. Why didn't I come clean then?

Don was from a town in another state. We met when he came to a company business meeting here. We had dinner together a couple of times and it was almost love at first sight for both of us. Six months later, Don wrangled things around and got a transfer to the local office. About three months after he arrived we got engaged and four months later we were married.

The problem started on our wedding day. We had a beautiful wedding and reception, well at least I thought so until late in the reception. Cliff was Don's best man and this is where the problem began. You see,

Cliff and I had been school mates since he came to town in the fifth grade. In high school we dated and became 'the pair' at school. On my graduation night, we slipped out from the party we were attending and I gave up my virginity. We both attended the same university, were in the same engineering program, and we were together a lot. I dated very few other guys and he dated few girls. Cliff was a fantastic lover and I was always happy to crawl into bed with him.

We were great lovers but, during the latter part of his senior year we both began to think and to realize that marriage wasn't right for us. We didn't have any real problems but we just seemed to be drifting into different adult concepts of what we wanted in life. Upon graduation he accepted a commission in the service. I dated more fellows during my last year and a half of school than I had dated in six previous years.

On his first leave, when he came home, we both affirmed that we weren't in the cards for each other. We agreed to remain friends and we had sex the last night of his leave. And yes, we remained friends and even had sex on occasions.

Cliff served his two years, came home, and came to work for the same large engineering firm that I had gone to work for a year earlier and was shocked when he walked in on his first day. Our friendship remained and we went out together on occasions. However, six months after Cliff came back he was married to a cute gal from a town on the East coast where he had been stationed. I didn't realize at the time that the last three times I had sex with him, he was already engaged. Of course, that ended our relationship. I wasn't hurt in the least and I was happy for both of them.

OK readers, don't get ahead of me, but yes, this is where Don was transferred. He had come to that business meeting here a few months after Cliff married. As it turned out, Don and Cliff had worked on a project together a little earlier and so they rather quickly became good friends. When things started getting serious between us, Cliff never said a word about our former relationship.

So that's a long story to fill you in on our relationships and it tells you why Don asked Cliff to be his best man. So back to the wedding.

The wedding was very large since my family I was a relatively prominent and longstanding member of the community. The ceremony was beautiful and the reception was elegant. I was as happy as anyone could be until a bunch of our co-workers separated us and proceeded to pour drinks to get us drunk. They were successful with Don and they tried to do the same to me, but I wasn't going for it. This was my wedding night and there were better things to do than get plastered.

By midnight, my folks and most of the older (over 40) crowd were gone. The younger set was on a champagne binge. One thing was obvious, Mom and Dad had done well to reserve hotel rooms for all the younger generation. Very few of them could even find their cars, let alone, drive them. I finally decided that this was enough and tried to get to Don. I found him propped in a chair and he was totally out of it. I wanted to cry and I didn't know what to do.

About the time my despair maxed out, I felt a hand take my elbow. Turning I was looking at Cliff. He obviously had not joined the binge. His wife Gerry, had not been able to attend. She was pregnant and about a month from delivery. She was not feeling or doing well, and was staying with her mother until the birth. When they got down to the end, Cliff was going to take vacation and fly East to be with her.

He asked me if I would like him to help get Don to our room and I quickly said yes. Between the two of us we got Don to the room and into bed. By the time we finished, I was really feeling sorry for myself. Our wedding night and a husband that was stoned.

"Would you like to go downstairs to the bar and have a cup of coffee?"

"Yes I would, but I'm still in my wedding gown."

"It's late and there won't be many people around and nobody will care, come on, let's go. I would enjoy a cup."

What the hell. Gown or no gown, going to have a cup of coffee was better than sitting in the room with a stoned husband and feeling sorry for myself. I grabbed my purse and we headed for the elevator and bar.

We drank coffee and chatted. Cliff told me about Gerry's situation. It was inconvenient, but nothing of any consequence. He repeated several times that having her gone for more than two weeks was hard and he missed her. The bright spot was that he would fly out and be with her next weekend. She should have only three weeks after that.

We finished our coffee and went back upstairs. He walked me to my room and told me how much he had enjoyed being with me again. With that he pulled me to him and we kissed. Well the kiss turned out to be more than a friendly goodnight kiss. I felt myself pressing into him and his hand was massaging my buttocks through my wedding gown. Reluctantly I pushed him away and prepared to go into the room.

I was dreading going back into the room, and just before sliding the key card into the slot I turned back to him and affirmed that he was the best man. Without even thinking I asked if the best man wasn't supposed to take care of the bride and groom until they got away.

With that question a little smile started to appear on Cliff's face.

Although I was far from drunk, I was still feeling a little happy glow. I know that if it had been anyone but Cliff and our past relationship, the following remarks would never have happened. I told him that the bride needed help and asked him, "I don't think it is right for the bride to not feel a cock in her on her wedding night; if the groom isn't functioning, wouldn't it be the best man's duty to fuck the bride on her wedding night?" I don't have to tell you how he replied.

I slipped the key card into the slot, quietly opened the door and it was obvious that Don was out for the count. I closed the door quietly and we headed for Cliff's room.

I didn't need anyone to tell me that this is not what I should do, especially on my wedding night. But I was so pissed with Don that I quickly rationalized that it would serve him right and that every bride is entitled to sex on her wedding night.

It didn't take but moments before I was out of my gown. It wasn't until then that I remembered that I had prepared a surprise for Don, I wasn't wearing any panties. Cliff immediately noticed and asked if I hadn't felt naughty standing at the altar with all of those people and wearing no panties. I told him that I had felt naughty and during the ceremony when I would think of it I was almost embarrassed. He smiled and told me that my surprise wasn't wasted. He really appreciated it and he pushed me onto the bed and spread my legs wide before burying his face in my crotch.

It was a warm, good, and familiar feeling being with Cliff and he had lost none of his expertise in completely satisfying me. The only down side was that he was using a condom. He didn't want me to have to possibly explain his cum where it didn't belong.

At this moment I felt sorry that the two of us weren't more compatible. He had so many wonderful qualities, but we would never have made a marriage work. We were a wonderful party pair and we were fantastic in bed, but that's where it ended.

Having him back in me again was so good that we did it a second time. Only this time I persuaded him not to use a condom. Instead, when the time came, I spread a towel on my breast and collected his sperm there. By now, all the effects of alcohol were gone and I was laying comfortably in his arms. For the last couple of hours I had forgotten Don. My body belonged to Cliff. Then everything came screaming at me.

I looked at the clock and it was moving toward five in the morning. I jumped out of bed, put on my gown as best I could and raced for my room. I heaved a sigh of relief when I opened the door an saw Don right where we had left him.

I undressed, cleaned my face and took care of the toilet necessities and crawled into bed next to Don. I could sleep late since our flight to Acapulco wasn't until afternoon. I lay there for a moment looking at him and reaffirming that I really did love him. Pangs of remorse for what had happened made me feel bad and tears followed as I went to sleep.

I was awakened with the sensation of a hand rubbing my body and rays of sunlight streaming through the slight opening in the curtains. It took just a moment before I realized that Don was sitting behind me and rubbing me. I stretched and started to turn toward him.

"Good morning Mrs. Rapp, beautiful wife. I'm so sorry to have passed out on you last night. I'll make it up to you whenever and however you want. I'm sorry. I should have been stronger."

I was surprised, instead of sporting a screaming hangover, he seemed rested, chipper, and ready to go.

(I learned much later that he has a low alcohol tolerance. He will generally pass out long before he really gets drunk. Therefore he is rarely plagued with hangovers.)

I gasped as I recalled what had happened. But I quickly recovered and told him that I loved him and we would make it all up on our honeymoon and quickly changed the subject to getting packed, getting something to eat and getting to the airport. I was struggling with the thought that in a matter of hours after my wedding, I had already been unfaithful. It was all I could do to keep the tears back.

About the time I thought I had things under control, the memories of Cliff came back. The tears rolled and Don was immediately by my side wanting to know what was wrong. I lied and told him I was just overcome with happiness.

We had a wonderful honeymoon and we spent many hours in bed together. When we returned, Cliff told us that Gerry was doing well but that the baby would have to be taken by c-sect. That was to occur a week from Thursday and he would fly East on Tuesday night.

On Friday night Cliff called and asked if I could come over on Saturday and help him decorate the house for Gerry and the baby. Don was playing tennis that morning and I agreed to help.

I don't know why I did this (well really I did), but instead of dressing in old work clothes, I put on a pair of tight fitting short shorts and a tank top. I should tell you at this point that Cliff and I are not and were not in love. We had been lovers. The thing that set him apart was that his cock, though not out of average, had a very large mushroom head. That head, when it was working in and out had a feeling like none other.

Well, this was the beginning. When the decorating was done, we ended up in the bedroom and I enjoyed his cock again. After that, we found occasions from time-to-time to get together for sex. Naturally we were very careful to not get into a pattern or do anything that might arouse suspicion.

This went on for approximately eighteen months, until a few months before I delivered our first child. The day after the delivery I was shocked to hear that Cliff was in the hospital. He had a broken arm and was rather badly bruised in a fall down some stairs at work.

I tried to see him, but he was heavily sedated and there was not much I could say to him. A couple of days later I went to see him. As I arrived, Gerry was just leaving. She told me he would go home this afternoon but she knew he would be happy to see me.

When I reached the door he beckoned me to come in and shut the door.

He started talking and noted that we were both parents now. The long and the short of his remarks were that in the hospital he had been doing a lot of thinking. We had been cheating on our spouses for some time now and that though we had been more than discreet, he was afraid the clock was going to wind down sometime. We didn't want to ruin our marriages and he felt that now was a good time to call it quits.

His comments were like a slap in the face. We weren't getting together that often and the feel of him inside me was still wonderful. I looked forward to the occasional change. But as I listened and thought. I had to admit that he was right. I gave him a soft kiss on the cheek and departed.

I had driven about half the distance home when it hit me. I had to pull off the road into a shopping center parking lot. I was almost drowned in uncontrollable tears. What I had done was unforgivable and why had I had to wait for Cliff to recognize our error and put an end to it? How could I have been so thoughtless and unloving to my perfect husband? I had to ask myself what in the hell was wrong with me to have carried this affair as far as I had.

There were no ready answers to my thoughts and as I gathered myself together I made a promise to myself that Don would always be first in my thoughts and deeds and something like this would never happen again.

That was the end to our affair and I never strayed again. I'm sure that Cliff didn't either. I will admit that at some parties we were known to steal a little grasp or clutch but who doesn't?

Of course, I didn't have the guts to confess what I had done to Don and to ask for his forgiveness. I simply resolved to do what was right, and I have ever since then.

* * * * * *

Don passed away yesterday at the age of 81. His dying words were the most devastating words I have ever heard. Weakly he asked, "Why didn't you tell me about your affair with Cliff?" A moment later he was gone.

I was crushed. I left the hospital in tears. I'm sure most thought it natural and that I was grieving over the loss of my husband, and I was. But the bitter tears came from the knowledge that somehow he had known and lived with that knowledge all these years and I never was honest with him about the affair.

Our attorney delivered a letter to me today. It will haunt me the rest of my life.

* * * * * *

The Letter; Dated a fifteen days after our son was born.

Dear Alice,

By the fact that you have received this letter, it is obvious that the divorce papers were never served.

The first thing I need to say is, 'Thank you for ending the affair with Cliff when you did, or at least keeping it so well concealed that I never knew it continued.'

Your affair started to unravel just before you became pregnant with our first child, David. I was in a restaurant, not one of my usual haunts, with some clients. I became aware of the 'locker room boy talk' taking place in the booth next to us. This guy was telling about fucking the bride on her wedding night while her husband was passed out. In fact he had her twice. At some point I heard that the fucker had known both the bride and the groom very well and he had been their best man.

I was kind of amused at the story and couldn't help but wonder how much truth there had been in the tale. I then concentrated on my clients again. But I received a shock when I left, to see Cliff with these men in the next booth and then to recognize that it had been his voice I was hearing. He didn't see me.

You don't normally look at our bank statement, but if you had you would have seen cash advances at that time for several thousand dollars. The money was for a private investigator. He caught you and Cliff together about two weeks later and one more time about six or seven weeks after that. At the time I figured as your pregnancy had advanced that you had stopped for a while. The attorney destroyed the photographs before he delivered this letter to you.

When you delivered our son I was the happiest man alive until the horrible thought hit me, "Is he really mine?" The first time the investigator reported you together was about coincident with the time you became pregnant. I had no way of knowing if Cliff was using a condom and I knew you were off the pill.

Before coming to the hospital to see you that night, I have to admit that I helped Cliff fall down the stairs at the office. Before the paramedics got there I told him that if I ever saw him so much as look at you again inappropriately that he would be the contributor to at least one divorce, he would be looking for a new job, and would probably endure another hospital visit. I don't know why, and I hope my intuition is right, but I think I got the message through and since you are reading this letter, obviously something happened as a result.

I had DNA tests run without your knowledge. The results came back today and thank goodness our son is, in fact, ours. Had he not been, I would not be writing this letter right now and we would be in the initial stages of divorce proceedings.

I am sitting in my new office, since my former office was transformed into a nursery. You have been home for almost a week and I can hear the wonderful sounds of David gurgling and cooing in the next room as you are preparing him for bed. I am fighting the escalation of overwhelming joy and happiness over our new family member while reeling at the dreadful fear over what little I now know about you and Cliff.

As I write this letter, I don't know what I can expect of the future. Have you, or will you end your affair? Or, now that the pregnancy is over, will you be back with Cliff again? Of course, I have no way of knowing how much time will pass before you read this letter, if that is to occur. I am praying that it will be many years which means you have ended the affair.

The unknown is a horrible specter to deal with and how long I will have to deal with it is one of the big unknowns.. It's awfully hard to face and proceed through life not knowing if you can trust your partner. Now I go to bed each night praying that this nightmare will be lifted and almost afraid to wake the next day for fear of hearing the news that will result in divorce.

The most wonderful thing that could happen right now is for you to come to me and that we can be honest and find a way to repair the wound. If you are truly sorry, I will forgive you because I love you. However, I don't really expect that to happen and obviously you didn't because I would have destroyed the letter had you done that.

I'm sorry you have to read this after I'm gone. I would have loved to have you tell me why.

You are the love of my life. Your husband of some unknown, and I hope a happy number of years.

Don

* * * * * *

The funeral is tomorrow. Since I read the letter, I don't think I have stopped crying. A little bright spot came last night when Cliff and Gerry called to let me know they were in town. It was going to be so good to see them again. They moved to Hawaii to retire fifteen years ago and this will be one of the few times I have seen them since they moved.

They came to the house after the funeral and we visited. At one point I went into the kitchen to prepare some fresh drinks. Cliff excused himself from Gerry and followed me in with an offer to help.

He was very nervous and fidgety and just before I was ready to take the drinks out he came to me, helped me put the tray down and then in an almost fearful voice said, "Gerry asked me to find out if you had recently received a letter from Don that had been written a long time ago."