A Hero's Return

The feeling was all too familiar and I'd grown to hate it even though I realized it was a necessary evil. The slow coming around from yet another surgery, this time on what's left of my right leg, getting it ready to handle a space age artificial limb that will give me some semblance of a normal life. At least it will if my broken pelvis heals properly and the hundreds of hours of physical therapy don't kill me. UGH!

I felt slightly nauseated and would kill for a sip of water as my mind began to decipher the mumbling sounds around me and my eyes began to focus on things in my field of vision. A doctor and two nurses came into view and an officer, the eagle on his lapel telling me he was a bird colonel. I didn't recognize him, but he was smiling at me so I guessed I wasn't in trouble. I shifted my head to the side, there were others in the room, two young army officers standing by the door talking quietly, someone sitting in a chair in the far corner and yes, my beautiful daughter Stacy, what a nice surprise.

"How are you feeling Bob?" the colonel asked me and my attention went back to him.

"Not bad sir" I answered, "A little groggy still and thirsty, but otherwise ok." I turned my head a little to one of the nurses, "may I have some water please?"

"No water Bob, not for a while, but I'll get you some ice chips to suck on" and she left.

I held out my bandaged right hand and called to my daughter, "Stacy?"

"Yes Dad" and she broke off her conversation with the person sitting on the chair and came to me.

"Got a hug for your old man?"

"Will you quit with the old stuff already" and she kissed my cheek and hugged me gently. "Wow, you need a shave" she laughed and reached across my chest to take hold of my good hand. Her touch was warm and wonderful and I could feel her love pouring into me.

My attention went back to the colonel. "What brings you here sir, am I being reassigned?"

"Well no Bob, not yet. We've got to get you back up on your feet first. I do have a reason for being here though. It seems your heroic actions in Afghanistan have caught the attention of quite a few people."

"I'm not a hero sir. I was only doing my duty just like any soldier would do."

He nodded his head. "I understand how you feel Bob, but the army doesn't see it that way. They think you are a genuine American hero and are giving great consideration to honoring you as such,"

"Thank you sir, I appreciate the sentiment, but I firmly believe there are others more deserving of recognition."

"You may be right Bob, but there's a great deal more than sentiment involved here. There's a ton of reliable first hand intel of what you did and the truth is the truth. You came very close to losing your life saving the lives of soldiers under your command."

"One of them didn't make it sir." I could feel the tears building up in the corners of my eyes.

"I know that Bob and that attempt by you may be the most amazing of all. Eye witnesses say you pulled Corporal Eddings from the Humvee and as you were carrying him towards shelter an RPG hit the side of the vehicle and blew both of you off your feet.

Though you didn't know it, Corporal Eddings had been mortally wounded, but you continued to pull and drag his body to a sheltered area behind a wall even though your right leg was attached by a thread and you'd lost three fingers on your right hand, not to mention your scalp and ear. Once you succeeded in your task you passed out and the soldiers with you were convinced you were dead."

"But I didn't die colonel."

"No Bob, thank God you didn't die. Two more Humvees cleared the enemy from the area, a tourniquet was applied to your upper leg and you were moved to the base hospital in time to save your life."

Stacy laid her head on my chest and I could feel her tears soaking through my gown. I was also aware of the sound of weeping in the room.

"I really don't know what to say sir."

"Don't say anything Bob. I'm just here to let you know that besides a Purple Heart you will very likely receive another honor at a future date when you are back on your feet."

Stacy whispered "oh Daddy" and began sobbing against my chest.

"OH BOB!" I heard a familiar voice cry out and in shock I looked at the person sitting in the corner of the room. It was Kathy, my soon to be ex-wife. That was who my daughter had been conversing with when I came out from under the anesthesia. Our eyes met and she put her hand to her mouth and began to sob, then she quickly stood and ran from the room.

"Until that all comes about It's probably best if we just keep it under wraps."

"Sir, I'm absolutely not deserving of any kind of award."

"Yes you are Bob, yes you are. Take care of yourself." And I watched as he and the two junior officers turned and left the room.

"Oh Daddy, I'm so proud of you" my precious Stacy said.

"Your mother was here."

"Yes Dad, she got here last night. She's been sitting in the corner since you went into surgery this morning."

"She ran from the room."

"I think the realization of what she's done to you continues to completely overwhelm her. I've never seen anyone grieve the way she's grieving over you and the ways she hurt you. I told you before; I don't know if she'll ever recover from it. And now that you may be getting that medal, well it's just blindingly clear to her that she has done irreparable damage to the finest man she's ever known."

"I told her she could have one last talk with me, but there's no way it's going to change anything, she did too much, went too far, there's no turning back."

"She knows that Dad, she told me she just needs to confess everything one time and then go away."

"Are you able to forgive her Stacy?"

"I'm trying too Dad. I hate everything she did to you, to us, but she is my mother. I'll never have another one, so I'm going to try to reestablish some kind of connection with her. I hope that doesn't hurt you Dad."

"You're my daughter. I wouldn't expect anything less from you."

"You know I told her I don't need to have her confess, I already know what she did."

"I don't think her confession is just for your benefit, I think it's to allow her to move on with her life too. She feels like she needs to admit to your face what a fool she's been. She's told me many times that she knows you will never be able to forgive her and that she can't forgive herself. If we were in the middle ages I'm sure she would spend the rest of her life wandering aimlessly, crawling on her knees in sack cloth and ashes."

The rest of our conversation was cut short when the nurse brought me my ice chips and said I needed to rest. It had been an emotional morning and I had a lot to think about. "Find your mother Stacy and see if you can help her. She needs to stop killing herself over everything. It's done, it's over, she needs to move on with her life."

"I don't think she can Dad, but I'll talk to her."

I slept for several hours and when I woke up the room was dark. My mind was a whirling dervish of wild emotions. I was no hero, I did my duty to my men and that's all, facing the woman I loved so much and now cared nothing for, the pain in my leg from that morning's surgery, all flashing through my mind at the same time. I could feel my heart pounding, I was bathed in sweat and I was having trouble taking a deep breath. I reached for the call button and saw her standing at the window staring at me. "Kathy is that you?" I could hear her voice, a mere whisper, "Yes Bob, it's me."

"What are you doing?"

"Just watching you sleep, are you in pain, can I get the nurse for you?"

"My leg is bothering me a little, but I'm fine."

"I'll be right back."

She left and was back seconds later, following the nurse who adjusted the medication in my IV and my bed so I was more comfortable, waited a minute until I nodded my thanks to her and she left, leaving Kathy and me alone in the room. It was the first time in over three months that I'd seen her and I was having trouble finding something to say.

"How are you Kathy?"

"Oh Bob, been better, how are you?"

"A bit worse for wear I'm afraid."

I could hear her starting to tear up. "Bob, I'm so sorry you're hurt. I feel like it's all my fault."

"Maybe a little your fault Kathy, but mostly mine. It's war you know, that's where shit happens." I could feel the old anger coming back and I fought hard to keep it down. "Why are you here?"

My tone was suddenly hard and cold and I heard her gasp. "I don't want to bother you Bob, I just had to see you one last time."

"Why, to rub my face in it again?"

"No, god no, just to confess to you."

"I don't need your confession Kathy, I know what you did."

"I need it Bob, please, just listen to me and I'll leave and never bother you again."

"I can't see you, why don't you turn on the light."

"No Bob please, no light."

"Then come closer, I like to see the person I'm talking too."

She took several small, tentative steps towards the bed. "Is this close enough?"

I could see her face, "You cut your hair."

"I did."

"I always liked your hair long, down on your shoulders. It smelled like lemons. Anyway, what did you want to say?"

I heard her sigh and then she spoke. "Bob, I betrayed you in every possible way a wife can betray her husband. I should never have had intimate conversations with another man. I should never have had lunch or dinner with another man, that's not what a wife should do because after the first intimate conversation, first lunch and first dinner it becomes easier and easier and the guilt gets less and less.

I sinned in the sight of God when I danced close with Donald and when I let him kiss me when he took me home. And I betrayed our sacred vows the night we had a romantic dinner and Donald asked me to go home with him. I knew right then that I needed to end it and walk away. I knew if I went with him that Donald would fuck me and in truth, I wanted him too. God I am so sorry Bob, I wanted him too.

You had only been gone a month, but it seemed like a year. I missed you so much, I missed your arms around me, I missed your body on mine and your wonderful cock inside me. I knew how horribly wrong it was to go with Donald, but I went and willingly opened my body to him. I even guided him as he entered me the first time and enjoyed it when he filled me over and over again.

He wasn't you, but you weren't there and he gave me what I wanted, what I needed. After that first time I got physically ill. My guilt was so deep that I vomited in his bathroom and made him take me home. I told him how awful I felt and that I could never see him again and I prayed to God that you would never find out. Donald left me alone for nearly a week and then he called me and told me how much he missed me and he promised if I would see him again, purely as friends he would never try to take advantage of me again.

At first I told him no, but the more I thought of the night I'd shared with him the weaker I became. Like I said, he wasn't you, but he had been a good lover. He excited me and I wanted to feel him inside me again, so the next time he called I told him yes.

He took me to a private party on the bluffs. I knew when I went with him that I would let him fuck me again and if he wanted me too I would suck him off and I would beg him to eat me. I knew that I would give him anything he wanted, do anything he wanted me to do for him. I would be his slut and you would never know because you were half a world away.

My stupid foolish, childish mind even told me that you would want me to have fun while you were gone, you wouldn't want me to be lonely and what I was doing wasn't really harming you or our marriage because you weren't with me and Donald was. I became his princess, going everywhere with him, doing anything he wanted me to do, I even told him I loved him. Oh God how I betrayed you and I did it with a smile on my face.

I began to ignore my own daughter, somehow I thought I was fooling her too, that she had no idea her mother had become the worst possible kind of slut. I even denied our marriage, telling everyone we were getting a divorce, kind of prophetic huh?

Then it all turned to ashes and shit the night you came home and caught me coming out of that hotel room arm in arm with him, Donald's sperm dripping out of my vagina and saturating my panties. When I saw you and the look of horror and pain on your face I realized you knew everything and I thought I would die. I knew then that my life was over, my wonderful marriage gone.

I tried to talk to you, but you wouldn't listen to me. After you got into the elevator I vomited right there in the hotel hallway. Somehow Donald got me into his car and took me to his place. I was so far gone that I didn't think about not sleeping with him in his bed or letting him fuck me the next morning and he continued fucking me the whole time you were home. I would call you and beg you to talk to me so we could start the healing process and that night Donald would fuck me. It was so sick.

You were staying with Stacy, the two of you comforting each other while I continued to whore myself out to a man I knew in my heart could never take your place.

Then the day all the walls came tumbling down when that newspaper article brought everything to light. Donald stupidly called his news conference to deny everything and I couldn't let him do that, so I blew the whistle on our affair and we both came crashing to the ground."

Kathy paused in her story for a minute and struggled to keep a semblance of composure before she continued with her confession.

"When Donald was forced to step down as Mayor, he vanished over night. I didn't hear from him for a month. In that time I was an outcast in the community, no one would talk to me. I took a small room in a rundown hotel. You'd let me get my clothes and cosmetics and birth control pills, but little else. For three weeks all I did was cry out of the shame for all I'd done.

You allowed me one chance to talk with you, but I could tell there was no forgiveness in your heart. When you took Stacy to stay with your mother and I moved back into the house I thought things would get better, but the loneliness was eating me up and when Donald called and said he forgave me and asked me to join him I jumped at the chance. I was so lonely that the opportunity to be with another human being was something I couldn't pass up, so I rented out the house and went to be with Donald.

I thought he was the safe harbor I desperately needed and he was for a week or two. We started up where we'd left off, the sex was good and we talked of marriage as soon as my divorce from you was final. Donald was different, but still acted as though he cared for me. His ego was crushed when you authored his downfall and the only job he could find was as an assistant manager at Denny's.

He hated you and blamed you for all his misery. When Stacy called me and told me you'd been injured I realized I had to find you. I had to talk to you Bob and even though I knew forgiveness was impossible I had to see you and beg you to let me fully confess my sins, purge my soul so we could both move on with our lives even though I knew we'd never be together again."

And then she got quiet. She slumped backwards into a chair. It was like her body had suddenly emptied itself of bone and sinew and she was hollow inside. It was sad to see. The woman I'd loved more than life had betrayed me, but she'd betrayed herself even more.

For several minutes neither of us spoke. I lay on my hospital bed in stunned silence while Kathy sat slumped in a chair quietly weeping.

"Is that it Kathy, is that all you have to say?"

"One more thing" her voice almost a whisper. "I read in the paper that Connelly was found in a pen, a pig sty of some kind covered in excrement. His injuries were severe, but not life threatening. He had a broken right leg, broken right hand, broken ribs, other injuries of; I think they called it, a personal nature."

"And I'm supposed to feel sorry for him?"

"No of course not, the article said he had a sign fastened to his shirt."

"A sign?"

She nodded her head. "Just one strange word, "hooah."

I think even in the dark Kathy could see my smile, the band of brothers takes care of its own.

"OK Kathy, you've had your say and I believe it came from your heart. So now that I've heard you out, it's your turn to listen to me."

I tried not to sound too harsh, but could feel the anger building inside me.

"I don't know how you feel about what happened to your shit ass boyfriend, but I'm sure you feel bad about everything else, probably worse than you've ever felt in your life and I guess you've finally figured out how much you've lost and how much pain you've caused Stacy and me and I believe you would do anything to go back in time and change it all. Hell, I wish you could too, but you can't.

Sad isn't it, how people who are supposedly in love can hurt each other?

I've been to hell Kathy, seen it with my own eyes. I've lost a leg and fingers, I've watched a young man with a wife and child die in my arms, I've seen a security gate overrun by the enemy and helped lead a charge that drove them back while men from both sides died all around me, I've slept in full combat gear in 115 degree heat and felt the pain of ordering soldiers into harm's way knowing some of them wouldn't return. But with all of that I've never felt pain to match the pain I felt when I saw you and Connelly walk out of that hotel room arm in arm like happy newlyweds.

You killed me Kathy, sucked the life right out of me. Every single night when I close my eyes I see you and Connelly kissing and dancing like lovers and I hear you asking him to fuck you hard.

Now I lay here with more time to think than anyone should ever have and I have come to realize that I actually can forgive you. I forgive you Kathy, forgive you of everything, forgive you for betraying me, for lying to me, even for running back to Connelly after I returned to Afghanistan. I forgive you Kathy, but I can never forget and since I can never forget, I can never trust and without trust there is nothing."

"I am so very sorry Bob." She was sobbing now.

"I am too Kathy, I am too."

Epilog

It's been three long years since that night and a great deal has happened. I've gone through countless exhausting hours of therapy, both physical and mental and can actually walk now with the aid of a cane. My daughter Stacy is 19 and is a plebe at the United States Military Academy.

I did receive a rather high honor though I know in my heart there are many others far more worthy. Stacy was with me for the ceremony and I believe that is when she decided on an Army career. For anyone curious about it, no, Kathy and I are not back together, that's not going to happen. She and Connelly have both paid a very heavy price for their sins and I am putting all that they did behind me. I still talk to Kathy occasionally, always about our daughter. After all we made her together, and she makes us both very proud.

Stacy is slowing mending fences with her mother. It isn't easy for her, but as she says Kathy is her mom , the only one she'll ever have and she'd like to have a relationship with her.

I live in Houston and I'm back to being a technical design artist for a large electronics firm. In our divorce settlement Kathy refused to take more than enough to get a fresh start. She bought a small condominium in a community in upstate New York. I hear from Stacy that she's dating again and I really do hope she finds someone, it just won't be me.

I've also heard from several sources that Donald Connelly has seemingly vanished from the face of the earth, couldn't happen to a nicer guy.

I have decided it's time to get back into the social world and start dating. I can walk pretty well now and my other injuries are pretty much healed. Besides, there's a cute rehab tech that's just a couple of years younger than me who I've got my eye on. She's a petite little brunet with a vicious sense of humor. We flirt every time we see each other. She tells me the scar on the right side of my face gives me character and my space age artificial leg makes me a rather intriguing mystery man. I'm beginning to think she likes me as much as I like her. I even think with someone like her I can learn to trust again. For sure I'm ready to find out.