A Heros Return Pt 02

"Mom, god, answer the phone, pick up, pick up."

"Stacy honey is that you? You sound scared to death, what's wrong?"

"It's dad mom, he's been injured, he's hurt bad, real bad."

My heart stopped. "How do you know Stacy? What's happened to him? Where is he?" I felt like I was going to pass out.

"He's over there, in Afghanistan. The army called me. They said something about a roadside bomb explosion and dad's Humvee was caught in the middle of it."

"Oh god No!" I screamed. "He's not dead is he? Please tell me he's not dead."

"They said he was critically injured and that they would have more information for me in a few days."

"Days? A few days? Why can't they tell us now, and why did they call you Stacy, why didn't they call me?"

"Mom, dad is divorcing you. He changed his contact information to me." Of course, I knew that. After what I'd done to Bob I didn't deserve to be the first to hear about him.

"Did they tell you anything else?"

"They said that he'd been going out on missions lately even though he didn't have to, but he kept saying it was his duty to fight alongside his men and that he didn't have as much to lose as most of them if something bad happened."

"That sounds like him. Do you think what I did to him had anything to do with his wanting to take chances."

"I don't know mom, but I wouldn't be surprised. He was really angry when he went back to Afghanistan, maybe that made him take chances he wouldn't normally take."

"Stacy, you know that I ended up following Donald Connelly when he left town don't you?"

"Yeah, I heard mom, that's why I haven't wanted to talk to you until I absolutely had to."

"I know you're disappointed in me, but Stacy, when I found out your father wanted nothing more to do with me and Donald forgave me for outing our affair to the media I just felt like I needed to be with someone who would love me and take care of me."

"Your decision mom, you're the one who has to live with your mistakes, not me. Have you ever stopped thinking about yourself and realized what your decisions have cost you and everyone else? Never mind. Look, I've got to go. I'll let you know if I hear anything else."

My name is Kathy Crawford. Up until a few months ago I was the wife of Major Robert Crawford. Well, technically I guess I'm still his wife since our divorce won't be final for another three months. To make a long story short I had a long term, very public affair with Donald Connelly the mayor of the small community we lived in while my husband was deployed in Afghanistan. My husband found out about it, caught me with my lover and brought us both down, as we totally deserved, by letting the media know about our sordid tryst.

The uproar in the community when they learned that their mayor was having an affair with an Army officer's wife while that officer was fighting a war forced Mayor Connelly to step down in shame and me to wear an invisible red "A" on my forehead.

Initially Donald and I separated and he moved to a neighboring state. A month later however, he forgave me for publically admitting our affair and I followed him and we've been living together since.

Do I love him? I guess I do though not nearly as much as I still love the man I cheated on. The sex with Donald has always been good and still is and we've talked about getting married when my divorce is final, but I don't know. My daughter wanted nothing to do with me when the affair came to light and it has taken me all this time to begin to mend fences with her, but Stacy has told me emphatically that if I marry Donald she will never have anything to do with me again.

And now this news about Bob's being injured in that horrible country, so far from me and I can't do anything about it, can't go to him and can't even be the first to hear from the Army about his condition. I know I deserve to feel some of the pain I've caused Bob, but this is killing me inside.

Donald came home from his new job as assistant manager of the local Denny's and found me crying. I told him about Bob's being injured and even though I know how he feels about my husband, his response surprised me.

"Good! Serve's the son of a bitch right for causing us so much trouble."

"Bob didn't cause our trouble Don, we did. I was married to that wonderful man and when he was 10,000 miles away from home the two of us shit all over him."

"If you love him so much, why don't you go to him."

I was totally pissed now. "If I could go to him Don I would. But after what we did to him he wants nothing more to do with me."

"So why do you care if he's hurt then? When we're in bed you always tell me I'm so much better at fucking you than he ever was."

"I've never said you were better Don, that's your king sized ego talking. You do make me feel good when we're having sex, but there's a difference, Bob always made love to me, you just fuck me and I'll tell you something else, if I could get Bob to forgive me and take me back I'd be out of here and in his arms in a second."

"You really are just a slut aren't you Kathy?" His word stung me like he'd hit me.

"Yes Donald, I guess I really am since I'm with you instead of with my family where I'd give my life to be. I'm a slut and you're nothing but a low life wife stealing assistant manager of a backwater Denny's restaurant. Quite a comedown for you isn't it Donald?" He looked like he was going to hit me and I hollered at him. "Don't you dare!

The biggest mistake I ever made was letting you fill my head with your lies. I missed my husband and was constantly worried about him being injured or killed and you kept telling me how you wanted to help me forget my troubles and you did. I pushed my worries and everything I'd ever cared about into the back of my mind and hopped into bed with you and forgot about my husband and my daughter and the precious life I had with them. Instead of being the woman I was raised to be, putting my family first and letting them be the most important thing in my life, I sucked on your cock and let you bury it in my cunt and the orgasms you gave me became the only important thing in my life.

What a fool I am Donald and yes, what a slut." I felt hot tears begin to run down my cheeks and I turned, grabbed my purse and ran out of the apartment and got into my car and drove away. I didn't have a clue where I was going, but I knew if I stayed one more minute with Donald Connelly I'd kill myself.

***************

I was floating in a deep black void. Warmth and darkness surrounded me. I could hear voices that seemed to be coming from far away, but I couldn't understand what they were saying. Where was I? Was I dead? What happened to me? I struggled to remember, to pull myself out of the void. I tried to holler "here I am", but I had no voice. Then, absolute blackness enveloped me and took me away.

Light coming from somewhere, too bright! Turn it off! My warm protective darkness drifted away like a dissipating fog bank, replaced by noise and pain. Come back. Don't go.

"Major Crawford, can you hear me? Can you open your eyes?"

A hand tapping on my arm, a voice, soft and gentle. "Go away, let me sleep" I try to say, but nothing comes out.

"Wake up Major Crawford. Open your eyes for me." More tapping, light and soothing, almost like a caress. I struggle to make my eyelids obey and slowly they open and my eyes begin to focus and blurred images begin to morph into shapes, a kind female face peering down at me, a warm hand resting on my arm.

"Welcome back Major, you've been gone awhile" I hear the gentle voice say.

"Where am I?" My voice is a raspy whisper, my throat feels like I've swallowed glass shards.

"You're in Landstuhl Military Hospital in Germany Major, you've been wounded."

"My men? What about my men?"

"I understand that two were wounded with you and one, Corporal Eddings died from his injuries."

I felt tears start to run down my cheeks. "How?"

"I don't have the details major, but I understand your Humvee was struck by the blast from a roadside bomb."

"My injuries?"

"Colonel Sands, your doctor, will be by in a little while to talk with you" the kind voice said as she adjusted my IV, "now rest" and once more the blessed blackness sucked me in.

"Mom, it's me."

"Stacy? Have you heard something about your dad, how is he, where is he?"

"He's in Germany mom, at a military hospital."

"Oh god, how is he, how badly is he injured?"

"Its bad mom, but he'll live."

I started to cry, almost uncontrollably, my guilt and sorrow crashing over me like a tidal wave. "Why god, why Bob? He doesn't deserve this, I deserve to be hurt, Donald Connelly deserves to be hurt, not Bob, he's done nothing wrong."

"It's not a matter of deserving Mom, Dad always protected everyone. He protected me and you and he wanted to protect his men. The officer that called me said Dad was a hero. After the IED exploded, Dad was injured, but still dragged the three men with him away from their Humvee to a protected area, but while he was pulling the last man out of the wreckage a rocket propelled grenade hit the side of the vehicle and added to Dad's injuries. He still somehow managed to pull the other soldier to safety behind a wall before he passed out."

I was devastated. The man I betrayed nearly gave his life for the people he cared about while I whored myself to a man who cared only about his own blind ambition. How could I ever forgive myself for being so selfish and cruel and stupid?

"Tell me about his injuries Stacy."

"Like I said Mom, it's bad. Dad lost his right leg just below the knee and three fingers on his right hand. His pelvis is crushed and most of his right ear is gone along with part of his scalp. They've stabilized him and as soon as he's strong enough to be transported they will send him to a hospital here in the states, but they don't know where yet."

I felt dizzy and thought I'd be sick. "I want to go to him Stacy. I need to be with him."

"I don't think that's a good idea Mom. Dad's pretty much given up on you. He's made it clear that he wants nothing more to do with you."

"I don't care Stacy, god damn it I don't care!" I hollered at her. "I have destroyed my life and my marriage to the best man that ever lived. I have made myself a laughing stock in my hometown and an outcast to my family. For the past nine months I've done nothing but hurt and destroy and for what? For what? For nothing!

I've lost everything and I'll never get it back and you know what? I don't deserve to get it back. I deserve this empty, lonely life I'm leading. I deserve all the pain and suffering I'm going through and you're right, Bob doesn't want anything to do with me, but I don't care. I Don't Care! I have to be with him!"

"What about Connelly Mom?"

"Donald Connelly no longer exists Stacy, he's dead to me just like I am to your father."

My injuries were severe, I'd lost a leg, fingers and an ear. My pelvis was so badly broken that even with a prosthetic leg and hundreds of hours of therapy I might never walk again. Thank god my eyes were saved. I guess my body was turned away from the RPG when it hit the Humvee so the blast caught the side of my head and not my face.

I was alive though I wasn't sure it really mattered anymore. I longed to see my daughter and even though my wife had utterly betrayed me in the most publically humiliating way possible, deep inside I missed her. I could never forgive her, but I could never stop loving the woman she was before she forgot she was married to me.

My days were intolerably long and painful. The doctors told me I was stable and I would be going stateside in a few days. They asked if I wanted the nearest hospital to my old hometown, I told them "no", anywhere but there. They told me that in time my body would heal and I nodded 'yes' my body would heal, but what about my heart?

After I left Donald Connelly's apartment I drove around aimlessly for several hours, unable to come to grips with how I had devastated everyone I'd ever loved and in the process turned my life into a living hell. I had no idea where I was going or what I would do, I only knew that I would never return to the man I'd so wantonly given my body to, destroying my marriage, I hated him, but I hated myself more for what I'd done.

The only possessions I had were my purse, the clothes I was wearing, my cell phone, wallet, two credit cards and two hundred twenty seven dollars in cash. Mentally I was exhausted so I got a cheap motel room for the night and the next morning I decided that no matter what, I would find my husband and even though I couldn't be his wife anymore, I would be whatever I could be, aide, friend, slave, concubine, anything he needed me to be and I would spend the rest of my life trying desperately to atone for my sins.

It only took a day to transfer from Germany to the states. One long military Evac flight and I found myself at a military hospital in Bethesda Maryland where my immediate future would consist of more surgeries and countless hours of physical therapy, bracketed by more countless hours of choking boredom.

The first round of surgeries consisted of reconstructing what was left of my pelvis, then rebuilding my right ear and scalp, then shaping what was left of my right leg so that I could be fitted with a prosthetic leg. It all seemed endless and as the days dragged on I found myself waking from the anesthesia to be greeted by the countless faces of people I'd never met, but who seemed determined to help me become whole again. Finally one night I woke in pain to the feel of someone holding my hand. I felt a warmth go through my arm and fill my chest and when my mind finally began to be aware of my surroundings I found myself looking into the face of my beautiful daughter Stacy.

"Hi Dad, how are you feeling?" Her voice sounded like an angel's.

"Hi baby" I managed to say, my voice choked with emotion. "I'm ok, much better now that you're here."

I saw a tear run down her face. "You look good Daddy."

"You mean for an old soldier who forgot to duck at the wrong time?"

"You're not old Dad and at least you ducked enough that I didn't lose you."

"Yeah, I guess that's something anyway, huh?"

She nodded her head and tried to smile. "Yes, that's something."

"When did you get here?"

"Yesterday, but they wouldn't let me see you right away. You were in surgery and they wanted you to rest."

"Hell, that's all I do is rest. Can you stay awhile?"

"I can stay another two weeks if you want me to."

"You bet I want you to Stacy. How's your grandmother, how's school?"

"She's great, but very worried about you. I promised I'd call her as soon as I saw you. She'll be relieved to know you are doing so well. And school is school, what else can I say."

I looked at my beautiful daughter and was shocked at how much she reminded me of her mother. "How's your Mom Stacy, do you hear anything from her?"

"She's devastated Dad, totally devastated. What she did to you finally hit home like an atomic bomb dropped on her and to tell you the truth I don't think she'll ever recover from it."

"That's sad Stacy, really sad."

"You still love her don't you Dad?"

"Of course I love her Stacy, I'll always love her. You and your mother were my entire life. Every second of the day, with every breath I'd take I'd think of you two. Even after she did what she did I could still remember the way she was and how happy the two of you made me. I guess if this damn war hadn't happened and I'd never left you two, none of this would have taken place and we'd all still be together."

"I don't think it was the war Daddy, I think Mom just got lured away by a very bad man who wooed her and would not take no for an answer."

"I heard she went back to Connelly, is she still with him?"

Stacy shook her head, "god no, she hates him, she won't even mention his name. She knows that when she let herself fall under his spell she destroyed you and the rest of her life. She's changed Dad, I don't think you'd recognize her if you saw her. She's lost weight, she never smiles and all she ever talks about is you and how she would gladly give her life if she could just once more feel your arms around her. She's so depressed, I don't know if she wants to live."

I didn't know what to say so I nodded my head, a big lump in my throat. How quickly life can change when you least expect it. How utterly sad what people can do to themselves and the ones they love.

"She wants to see you Dad. She knows there can never be anything between you, but she desperately wants to see you."

"I don't know Stacy. I'm not sure that's a good idea, you know , the way I am today, the way I look. I don't want anyone's pity."

"You are my dad and a war hero and you are more of a man right now than any other man I've ever known or will ever know."

"I'm not a hero Stacy."

"Yes you are. The officer that called me told me how you saved the lives of the soldiers in your Humvee, how you dragged them to safety even though you were terribly injured."

"One of them died Stacy."

"But you tried to save him and you did save the other two. And you are the most beautiful person I have ever seen" and she laid her head against my shoulder and wept. "I was so scared" she sobbed. "I thought I'd lost you."

I patted her back with my bandaged right hand. "But you didn't lose me Stacy. I'm right here and we're still together."

Dear Bob,

I know you don't ever want to hear from me again, but I have to make an attempt at contacting you if for no other reason than to feel like I'm doing something to atone for all my terrible sins against you and Stacy.

I've heard about your injuries and I can't help but feel responsible for them. I know it does no good to confess to you how horribly wrong I was and I will never ask you to forgive me, knowing I will never forgive myself. I do need to tell you that without you my life has become nothing more than an endless succession of painful days and night filled with realizations of how badly I hurt you. I would gladly forfeit my life if I could go back in time and change everything, but of course, well, you know.

You should know that you were right about Connelly as you have always been right about everything. He is nothing more than a low life, wife stealing asshole, whom I now see for what he is. Why I couldn't see it in time to save our marriage I will never know. With you I was the adored wife and mother, constantly loved beyond all reason, safe and happy. With Connelly I was a fairy princess who stupidly and selfishly believed I was doing nothing wrong, just having a little fun while you were away.

Oh god Bob how I hate myself. I gave up having your loving arms around me for a few minutes of selfish pleasure. And you have to know that in NO way was he a better lover than you. Sex with Connelly was fun, I admit it. Sex with you was loving and warm and life reaffirming and so very beautiful. How I desperately long to feel you inside me, loving me, making me whole, filling me with your body and your soul. To think I gave that up, gave everything up for nothing fills me with hopeless despair.

I'm sorry for ranting on so, but I guess I miss our nightly conversations more than anything else. The times when it was just the two of us and we'd snuggle and talk about anything and everything and quietly we'd put all the pieces of the world back together again. Those were the most precious moments of my life.

Bob, I want to see you. I'll ask nothing of you and expect nothing from you, but I desperately want and need to see you. Stacy says you feel like you no longer look like the man you once were. That is so much rubbish. Even though I stupidly lost you along the way, you are and always have been the greatest man I've ever known. If you'd lost both legs and both arms and both ears it wouldn't matter because of the greatness you carry inside of you.