A Fractured Mind

It was just two years after we had set up the 1800 square foot bookstore with the coffee bar in its final location on East Yale a main street in our town. My wife's best friend came into the store early one June evening asking if she could talk to me privately. Ruth was a first nation lady who was a member in the church in which I served as head pastor. After pouring us each a strong coffee we headed outside to sit at one of the curb side tables to chat.

"David please shut off your cell phone because we have to talk about a personal situation that you are not aware of. Maria has been talking about and planning a divorce from you for a long time. It's going to happen soon since she believes this store can now support her." Ruth said seriously.

"I left the cell on the counter so the staff can answer it. Please explain why you believe that?" I asked. "Is she having an affair?"

"Not that I am aware of, but she has been spending a lot of her free evenings with a couple of your single male tenants. She has made a lot of new questionable friendships over the last few months. I doubt any of them know about her ongoing mental health issues. Ever since her first breakdown I have noticed a change in her personality so I can't say she's not having an affair. But even more important is that I no longer know her so I can't say she wouldn't." Ruth explained with sadness.

"Why do you believe that?" I asked seeing the worry on her face.

"Since you opened at this location, a group of us ladies from the church meet regularly here for coffee and during these sessions Maria has brought up things that are making me question your ongoing relationship. She has made it perfectly clear she had never planned to marry you." she responded.

I knew she spoke the truth. My mind flashed back. I had flown into New York arriving at the end of that first business day. Just in time to join the meet and greet party. It had a free open bar, so I was drinking double Brown Cows when I caught Maria looking at me. An older alpha male was standing beside where she was sitting and was doing his best to gain her attention. She was wearing a tight red dress that hugged her slender frame coming to rest about two inches above her knee's. Her dark blue eyes, ruby lips and long brown shoulder length hair brought out the natural beauty in her face. Her smile seemed to brighten up the place. From my point of view, she appeared to have all the curves in their right spots.

My friend noticed my interest and stated that she was one that he would not kick out of his bed if she was coming across. I laughed and replied, 'be careful because that's the girl I'm going to marry.' After joking about it with him, I moved in, ending up sitting right beside her as a spot had become available. As soon as the alpha male noticed our mutual attraction, he moved on, looking for new fish to fry. We talked for hours and agreed to go out for dinner that Wednesday night.

After pausing Ruth, went on. "Maria told us how you chased her despite the long distance between the two of you. At first, she thought it would tire out fast, so she was playing you while she kept looking for her money man. She wanted to marry an older man who was rich. You were five years younger. The problem was your determination. Everyone was amazed by it. Maria admitted that your morals were superior than anyone she knew. It made her frustrated because when the two of you got overheated you would stop before you went too far. Even though Maria had told you she wasn't a virgin you still stopped and took a shower. She said it was your explanation that until you found out where the relationship was going, you didn't intend going too far. It was that standard that forced her to compare the others that were chasing her to you. She said they all seemed to fall short. The more you chased her the harder it was for her not to fall. No matter how hard she denied it, all her friends could see that you had captured her heart. Finally, she had to admit she had fallen in love."

That brought back a lot of good memories. The sixteen hour driving time from my home to hers. The huge long distance telephone bills on both sides adding up to big bucks. From the day we met to the day that we got married we had only seen each other's seven times, six of them long weekends. We had shared a common bond as we had grown up with troubled backgrounds. Her mother had escaped during the Hungarian Revolution with Maria. After living in Paris for a year they had come to the United States. Her father had died in a Russia prison because he had been involved in the resistance. Maria was the oldest of six, each having a different father; four brothers and one sister. In her teenage years she'd been placed in foster homes because she was too much like her mother. There personalities were so much like each other that they could not communicate.

"Maria's biggest problem with you was that she was not able to get you between her legs." Ruth said with authority. "She, like you, found herself being stretched monetarily because of the distance. That was what pushed her into saying yes. She was very proud of your appointment as Junior Pastor and tried to become a good pastor's wife, but she missed her former wild child life. In three years, you went from a small apartment to the 4400 square foot place you could call home. She worked beside you as you remodeled room by room. Then in year four. your first son came into the world. You wanted her to become a full time stay at home mom. Then six years later your second one came. Maria was overwhelmed and felt trapped because she never wanted children. She feels that was what caused her first mental breakdown to occur."

I was in total shock. I asked myself if I'd been blind. I tried so hard to give her the lifestyle she wanted that I had missed what she was saying or trying to explain. Was I really to blame?

"Maria says she finds you frustrating because of your refusal to argue or speak out in anger. To her it's not normal for a man to walk away until he's calmed down. She says that proves that you are not a real man because you won't hit her with your fists. You know that every man involved with her mother had been abusive perhaps that's why Maria sees you the way she does." Ruth said in honesty.

"Ruth, Maria grew up in a broken home. I grew up in a home where my parents could be considered as controlled alcoholics. Unless you'd seen them sober you would never have known they were drunks. There were times when they drank to the extreme, I can remember hiding underneath the bed because of their loud screams. At those times everything the one had done to the other regardless of what it was, was brought back up and maxed to cause the most hurt and pain. We learned young that there was no forgiveness or love in our house. The only reason they stayed together was because they refused to give their children up." I replied.

"When I was ten, my oldest sister got married that summer and my father's best friend, an alpha male, moved in because of the very bad winter weather the same year. They worked at the same plant but on different shifts. The plant worked with three eight hour shifts seven days a week. When one was on days the other was on nights, so they did not see much of each other. I shared a bedroom with him because it had twin beds. I awoke one night to discover my mother and him sharing their charms in the passion of making love. When I got the courage to confront her the very next day, she denied it had happened and accused me of lying." I explained.

"So, to protect her secret she had to destroy me. From that point on, my life became a living hell. I caught them a few more times and the product of their relationship was my younger sister. My dad turned to drinking more heavily to mask his tears and pain. I guess he no longer saw himself as a man." I continued. "I made a vow way back then never to speak out in anger. The reason I never slept with Maria was I was trying to decide if she was good enough to be my children's mother"

Ruth looked at me as if she was seeing me anew again and asked if Maria had known. I told her not till after the birth of James my second son. Her female psychiatrist had called me in for a few sessions. I learned then that Maria blamed me for her mental health problems. After a few of these sessions she told me that she may never be able to get Maria to see that I was not responsible. That doctor also said my own childhood had affected my outlook and walk in life.

"As you well know, Ruth, her mental health breakdown's have been huge. Over the last ten years she has had four. I'm beginning to believe that Maria's doctor might be right." I said. "Maria's love has turned to hate because in her eyes I am the cause of all her mental problems."

"You're not the problem, David," Ruth said firmly. "I told her to look at what you have accomplished as her husband since you got married. She had to admit that you started this business just to get her out of the house. For years she would not even leave your front door. You started this store in a flea market by setting up an eight foot by eight foot. book booth. As her confidence started to grow you expanded the store, finally making it a real business as if you were rewarding her for her huge improvements," Ruth stated. "Now she is claiming you built it to trap her. She gives you no credit for what you've done. I remember when you re merchandised the stock in this location, changing the stock layout. It ended up doubling your sales. She denigrated you for weeks until she saw the results. She said it was the best thing she ever came up with. The problem was, according to her, she had to bitch for months for you to get it done."

My life was being dissected right before my eyes. It brought back a memory from when I'd taken Maria back to meet my parents for the first time. I'd called my dad to ask if they were going to be home during the time I planned to visit. He said yes. Are you coming home stranger? Are you getting married? I had said yes. It would be the second time I'd come home in nine years. I'd run away from home at sixteen. I got through school while working in fast food.

While we were there they were on their best behavior. We finally found the wedding ring set we wanted and got engaged in the mall parking lot. That night my dad warmly welcomed Maria into the family. He said. "son you went fishing and caught yourself a good one'. 'Maria welcome to the family. Don't you know you're supposed to throw suckers back in.' It made me wonder if I had been a sucker for Maria all my life.

"Ruth!" I asked. "Why are you telling me all this tonight?"

"David, Maria is about eight weeks pregnant. If you didn't know, it doesn't look good. She had started months ago ditching her longtime friends who are members of the church. I don't want to be stuck in the middle. As a result, I had to end my relationship with her. She said she wasn't surprised. In anger she accused me of doing you on the side. I got so mad I slapped her face. She just laughed. I warned her to get her head out of her ass or else she was going lose a good man. Maria said. 'what good man?' David is just as blind and stupid as his father. His head is so far up his ass he won't realize anything until it's too late.'" Ruth said with tears. "David, I'm afraid it might be too late."

"Anything else you can think of that I should know?" I asked?

For years I put my wife's needs and my children's needs before mine. I was seeing where that had brought me. I was hurt but relieved.

"Only that your lines of communications have been compromised. Not only here but at home and even the church. I have seen print outs of actual conversation you have had in the church office." Ruth explained. "She has someone doing it for free. Maria showed me part of the chat you had with Bill Johnston concerning his sexual preferences."

I went white as a ghost. Until she mentioned that, I had some doubt. If it came out about Bills' sexuality, both he and I would be booted out. The elders would be forced to clean house because of the loss of trust. Questions were flowing through my mind. I was wondering if I was now dealing with what my father faced. Had I treated him so wrong? Was I just reacting like he had?

"Ruth, I love you like a sister and I want to thank you for the courage you had to find to come forward with this." I said in complete honesty. "Do you know how far she has gotten in her plans?"

"Those who are helping her are starting to organize the paperwork for the divorce. They plan to involve the church, social services, the police and the courts. They feel by hitting you hard and fast from four different directions it will keep you off balance. The more you're hit with, the less chance you will have to figure it all out." Ruth said sadly.

"Thank you for giving me an edge. I only hope that when it's done, we will still be friends." I said with a smile. "Maria is going to learn the hard way, thanks to you."

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The rest of the week went by quietly except for a few hours on Friday. I could see that my soon to be ex-wife kept looking at me with puzzlement in her eyes. It seemed that whenever I left the store my cell phone got let behind, I was using the time to verify that what Ruth had told me was factual. It had been. I contacted my lawyer to get working on things. Like he said, sometimes the best offense was a strong defense. I know it's an old sport ruse. Yet he was right I needed to foresee what moves she would make and find ways to overcome them. On Sunday I gave Maria one last chance to save our marriage.

My Sunday sermon dealt with forgiveness, love and mercy in the family relationship. It was nice to see how the parish responded with many wives' having tear stained eyes. After a late brunch I went back to the store. I was waiting for an acquaintance. It was almost six in the evening when Big John walked in the front door. Noticing him, I grabbed two long ice tea's and headed outside.

"Okay, John what is the shimmy?" I asked as I sat down. "Was the information I was given right?"

John was a bruiser of a man. He was tall and wide. He worked part time as a collector of sorts for the man on the side. Most of the time he ran a construction team and did quite well. I knew him because one day he'd stopped to personally thank me for something I'd done. Sadly, because I had no clue to what I'd done. I had to ask him what it was. That was when I learned that a former employee of mine named Sharron was a distant cousin's niece. As a result, the extended family felt they owed me big time.

Sharron Hubbard, when I first saw her one chilly fall evening, looked out of place standing on the corner walking back and forth. She was marking her territory just like any of the street workers would. She was a natural blonde, 5ft7 with a lean, tight body that oozed sexuality with every step she took. She had a defined eye-catching butt with thighs that were designed to be wrapped around a man tight. The way she was dressed you knew she had class. If you knew the street, you knew she did not belong. Something else was going on. The street people soon learned she was not to be influenced, encouraged or touched. If she was, that person would have to answer to me. I kept my eye on her, waiting. As I figured it would not take long.

Finally, about three weeks later, on an extremely cold night she came into the store and asked how much a small coffee cost. She started counting out the pennies to see if she had enough. I told her to put her purse away and poured both of us a large cup. She was surprised when I first warmed the cups up. Then I took hers and mine and sat down at one of the inside tables. She joined me and wrapped her hands around the cup to warm them up. We just sat there. I was giving her time. I was looking at the saddest blue eyes filled with despair I'd ever seen. Finally, I said I must know why? Her response almost broke my heart.

"My husband of eight years walked out of our marriage just after our first child was born. I guess he just could not see himself as a father. I'm in my last year at the local university and it's too late to qualify for student loans. Social Services have refused to help. I'm almost three months behind on my rent. Thanks to the food bank I'm able to eat but have had to sell some of my furniture to keep the utilities on. I don't want to quit school. I can't find a job, so I decided to sell myself on the street. It's been three weeks. I've been a complete failure at that too. I haven't been able to sell myself once. Since my family can't help me, I'm at the end of my tether." She said

I smiled and said "That stops today. Tomorrow is a new day. While you're at school I will have some friends move you into a rent free apartment. After school bring your baby here with you. You can start working here and watch him at the same time. It only pays minimum wage, but it will be forty hours a week and the hours of work will allow you to stay in school."

"Why?" Sharron asked.

I replied. "At one time I was in a situation just like you. Out of the kindness of a stranger I got a helping hand."

She later learned while working at the store that there had been a lot of interest in her. Out of respect for me, no one would touch her. When she inquired why, she had been told that everyone had been helped by me at some time or another. Most of them felt I was their friend. 'David spread the word that you were not to be touched', they said. 'You did not belong on the street. Something else in her life is going on and until we find out what, we can't help her.'

When they held the graduation event at the university Sharron asked me to be her escort. I had gladly gone against my wife's wishes. Sharron had been asked to say a few words and she proudly told all her story which concluded with the fact that she was going to be working for the government agency that refused to help her.

"David, it's really bad! Thanks to the passwords and codes you have provided we have been able to trace it all. Your home, the church and this store computers are contaminated. They have been turned not only into data sources but listening devices also. We traced it back to a man named Tony Landers who is a tenant in one of your apartments. He is a tech specialist who works for the government over at the prison." John said. "As for your cell phone, all it takes is a text and it's in. Get yourself a new phone and don't have anything transferred, otherwise it will be contaminated. According to inside sources, Tony has been shooting his mouth off talking about his new girlfriend who is getting her divorce. Sounds like she is going to end up being loaded."

I now had a name. I just had to connect the dots. Tony Lander was a six foot two single alpha male, solid and thick. He was nicknamed the undertaker just like the wrestler. He had the street rep of being a prick.

"John, stop by tomorrow, by then I will have a new cell phone. I will need you to get the unlisted number to Sharron. Right now, I feel she's one of the few I can still trust." I said earnestly.

"That I can do. I talk to her regularly because she has asked me to keep an eye on things. You know she hasn't dated anyone since she met you. She has been asked out a lot since she started working for Social Services, but she always declines. I asked her why? She told me that there was someone she loved who had problems that would sooner or later come to the boil. When it broke, she wanted to be there for them when they started rebuilding." John said. "So, I report to her and wait. I'm curious about who it might be. Other than that, she is enjoying her job. Sharron told me to let you know unofficially that they are beginning an investigation into your relationship with your children."