A Dirty Little Secret

Before you bombard me with comments about how this could never happen, please take a minute to ponder the fact that, a human being and the word logical will almost never produce an expected result. LYG

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What does your family mean to you? Are they merely people you surround yourself with for your convenience? Do you love them, or are you fond of them? What I'm trying to say is, are you the type that has a dream for yourself and other just fill in the gaps? Does your work come first, and the family is more of a hobby?

That's a lot of questions for a person to answer. Some of you will really have to think about it before you give a true opinion. Others will reply to this immediately, but they will know that they are lying. And then there will be people like me, without hesitation, I will tell you that my family comes first.

My children and grandchildren are held above all else in my life. They are the sole reason for my existence, they are the sun, the moon and the stars to me. I would literally give the shirt off of my back for them. Which is not to say if they needed it, but if they wanted it. I would give my last dollar to any of them, for a frivolous whim of theirs. I would happily do without a necessity, for any of them to enjoy a luxury.

You may have noticed that my wife is not included in my statement above. I had a wife once, twenty years ago. No, she's not dead, a least in the physical sense. Were not divorced either, that would have upset the children. We continue to coexist in the same house. Under the same conditions as we have for over forty years. The children know nothing of the rift that occurred between my wife and I, and more to the point, she doesn't either.

Ridiculous you say, maybe. I have continued the love my family, with the exception of my wife, and pretend that all is well. Why would a sane man do such a thing? My three children all love their mother, to tell them what is indelibly etched in my mind would diminish her in their eyes. I simply love them too much to affect their happiness in any way shape or form, even to my own detriment.

Call me a wimp, well, you can kiss my ass. Call me chickenshit, that's bullshit. What I have done for the last twenty years is protect my children. It has been a feat harder than you can imagine. Harder by far than any form of torture ever devised by man.

My name is Charlie, and I have three children, two boys and a girl. They are everything to me. The oldest, Rob is going on forty. Billy is thirty seven, and my baby girl Judy, just turned thirty three. Between them there are eight beautiful wondrous grand kids, and I would happily lay down my life for any one of them.

I have kept this secret inside of me for very nearly twenty years. The woman that was once my life and my only love is Sally. I'm telling you this now because there are only days or hours left in my life. The doctor tells me, it will not be painful.

Sally and I once had something that you would call the perfect marriage. We met just out of college, I had a great job as a beginning architect. Sally was in real estate, and loved what she did. I first laid eyes on her at a restaurant, for me it was love at first sight. Thinking back, it took her a little longer to say she loved me. I asked her to a movie, that is how it was done back then.

We dated for months, and I finally had enough nerve to ask her to marry me. We married six months later in the church that her family went to. Hawaii was where we spent our honeymoon, and learned about the physical side of love with one another. We spent a glorious week in the sun, and explored each other's bodies for hours.

Our life as newlyweds was a happy one, working to save money for a house and loving each other. Sally did very well in her job, and found us a beautiful house that we couldn't afford. We bought it any way, vowing to work harder and cut back on things we didn't need. We didn't eat out any more, and took our lunches to work. I worked harder than I ever had in my life, and it paid off quickly. Soon I was promoted, and we could now easily afford the house.

When we first bought the house, we had started to spend our time together doing things that didn't cost any money. Like taking long walks and going on picnics. We enjoyed that time so much, that we continued to be frugal and spent our time together enjoying each other. What money we did spend, was spent on the house, we worked like dogs to make it a showplace that we could raise our family in and grow old together.

The day that Sally told me she was expecting our first child, I could not have been happier or more proud. My prayers had all been answered. Sally's belly grew each day, as did my love for her.

We continued to live as we had, choosing to spend time rather than money, on the kids and ourselves. Don't get the wrong idea here, we had every thing we needed. We just felt that it was more important to do things together as a family, than for the kids to have all the latest toys. Doing almost everything as a team, we tried to instill values in our children. Teaching them right from wrong in our own loving way.

Church was a big part of our lives. Not because we were fanatics, but we wanted the kids to believe in a higher power. Attending services each Sunday as a family, and taking part in all the outings and picnics. Our life was a happy one.

At forty-three, I was hurt at a job-site inspecting a building that we were constructing. I was hit by a falling piece of a metal beam, and my back was a mess. They put me back together, and I spent over three months in traction. Each day praying that I would be able to get well and provide for my family.

It took a long time for me to be able to walk and get around on my own. The pain was tremendous, so I took a lot of painkillers. The pain was either subsiding, or I was just getting use to it. It took a while to wean myself from the narcotics, but I eventually took control of my life.

I used a mild form of muscle-relaxer for relief. Most of the time, I was able to function fairly well, so I got back to work. My family life was pretty normal then, remembering my physical limits. The only problem was that the medications rendered me impotent.

Sex with my wife had always, and I do mean always, been wonderful and frequent. That was one of the things that we had discovered early in our marriage that we could do to entertain ourselves for free when we were struggling financially. We loved each other, and enjoyed an active sex life until my accident.

The one positive that had come from getting hurt on the job, was the huge settlement check we received. My children's education was assured, and there would be plenty left over for an early retirement. The money was surly not as important as my health, but that seemed to be returning as the days went by.

Our life was good again, I was able to keep up at work and with my family. Every thing fell back into place, except sex with my wife.

It had been over a year since we had made love. Image if you will, going from five or more times a week to nothing. It had to have been very difficult for Sally, but it was equally hard for me. Not only the fact that I was celibate, but the guilt tore at me for not being able to give pleasure to my wife.

Unfortunately, the doctors all told me as long as I stayed on my medication my situation would not improve. Well, I said screw it and threw the pills in the trash that day. If I had to live with pain to renew what we once had, then so be it. I didn't tell Sally about my decision because she would not have agreed to it. Sally always told me the most important thing was my health. From past experience, it would take some time for the chemicals to filter out of my system.

My company sent me to Toronto for a week of meetings for a new building my firm was designing. I left early Sunday morning and had expected to be home the next Saturday afternoon. By Monday, I could feel my lower back muscles twitching. This was a good sign that the meds were wearing off.

Enduring the spasms, my meetings went well. I called home every night to talk to my wife and kids, as was usual when I was away on business. There was never anything new, just the same talk of how school was going and how we all missed each other. Very routine stuff, but I loved hear all the details of my family's lives.

On Thursday morning, I awoke with a steel rod between my legs. My dick was as hard as it had ever been it my life. My back was sore, but I could have cared less about that. If this meant I would be back in the saddle again, I would bite the bullet and live through the mild pain.

My meetings were concluded that evening a day early. I was too excited to stay another minute, so I changed my flight reservations and would be home the next morning at about eleven. The kids should all be at school, and Sally and I could spend the day together. On the flight home, I thanked god for making me a whole man again.

Taking a cab from the airport, the traffic was light and I got home at about ten-thirty. My dick was almost hard with anticipation, as I walked into our house. Well, you can all see where this is heading, and you'd be right. I got the shock of my life, as I quietly went upstairs to surprise Sally. The good reverend of our church, was vigorously comforting one of his flock in my bed.

Watching the Shepherd plow his staff into Sally's red swollen cunt, was a death sentence to our love. There can be no feeling worse than the one I was experiencing at that moment. I wanted to rush in there and kill them both. They continued on, and I could stand no more.

I backed out of the bedroom. The shock of seeing my wife, of twenty years, with her legs in the air for another man almost killed me. For me, my first thought was the children, and how they would handle this knowledge. That thought hit me so hard that I decided to leave the house quietly to have some time to think things through on my own.

I rented a hotel room for the night. Two things occurred to me right away. No longer was there love for the woman I'd married, she'd killed that feeling in me today. And I had lost faith in god, just look at what the unfeeling bastard had done to me. Fuck Sally, fuck the lord, and fuck his emissary.

My mind was in turmoil, but I had to make a decision regarding what direction to follow. Divorcing Sally, the kids would find out about their mother's actions. Was that the best path to follow? No, their happiness means more to me than any single thing in the world. I could not do that to them. I already knew what she had done, so there was no changing that now. It was my burden to bear, no one would share the grief that I felt.

Of course Sally knew what she had done. Would she feel the guilt? Will she confess her adultery, and ask for forgiveness? The emotion inside her that caused her to break her vows to me, will most like not allow her to risk telling me. She knows full well the way I feel about marital indiscretion.

Believe me, the next day while walking into my house, the feeling of loneliness overwhelmed me. I had made the decision, to remain married to woman I no longer could stand the sight of. This would have to be the acting performance worthy of an Academy award.

I didn't have to fake being tired when I got home, there hadn't been a wink of sleep the night before. I kissed Sally on the cheek, and asked her if it would be alright if we talked later. I went to my den and closed the door, staying secluded there until dinnertime. At dinner, my mood was very subdued. I tried to pay attention to what the kids were saying, and answer all of their questions about Toronto.

That night I told Sally that while in Toronto, I'd discovered that it felt a lot better if I slept in a chair. My easy chair was downstairs in my den, so I spent the night there with no intention of ever sleeping in her bed again. The next morning was Sunday, and we all headed to church as usual. I had not forgotten the other participant that had fucked up my life, and was going to make sure he knew it was over.

That day the family sat in the front pew, we usually sat somewhere in the middle. Glaring at the preacher for the full hour that we listened to his sermon, there was sweat rolling off of his self-righteous brow. He would not look me in the eyes the whole time we were there.

I made sure we were the last to leave the chapel that day, I wanted to be the last person that he shook hands with. When it was my turn in line, I clasped his hand with an iron grip, and continued to squeeze as he winced in obvious pain.

I leaned in and whispered, "Don't you ever come within seeing distance of my family again, or I will nail you to that cross above the altar and set this fucking house of god on fire."

The shock in his face told me he had heard my words of wisdom. He knew that I had meant every word I'd said. The preacher was packed, and had moved out of town before the week was over.

I resumed taking my medication, my heart was suffering enough, so there was no need to endure the back pain. There also would be no need a hard dick anymore. Sally tried a few times to arouse me, but the way I felt about her now, it did absolutely no good. I'm sure she noticed that things had changed between us, but maybe she just wrote it off as my guilty feelings for not being able to perform in bed.

You may think that it would be impossible to live in the same house with someone you no longer loved. I'll grant you, it was difficult, but not impossible. If you do it long enough, and think about it hard enough, you can come up with an answer for every situation. Also there is the advantage of my medical problems, you can use fatigue and pain to cover a myriad of situations.

I remembered every one of the special days, like anniversaries and birthdays, and would always leave a little code at the bottom of the card, "YFC". Sally asked me one day after reading her birthday card what the significance of the letters were. I told her it stood for, "Yours Forever Charlie". I'm telling you the real meaning is, "You Fucking Cunt".

For all the years since Sally cheated on me, I've never slept in the same room as her. I've only returned to church for the weddings of my children, telling Sally the wooden pews were too hard to sit on for a long period of time. I've never told a sole about the secret that I held inside of me for the last twenty years. It was all done out of the only love there was left in me, all for my children.

Right now I only have minutes to live, I can feel it. My family is gathered around me now. For the most part, I have led a good life. I got to see all of my children graduate from college, and start families of their own. They are all grown, and are leading happy lives. That in itself, has been good enough for me to go to my grave a happy man.

Once or twice over the years, the thought of going ahead with divorce had occurred to me. Sally had been unfaithful to me, it was a conscious act of betrayal that I never have or never will forgive. For the first twenty years of our life together, I gave her all the love that a man has to give. For the last twenty years, I was merely the man that Sally had once married. My body lived in the same house that we had worked so hard for, but my mind and heart was somewhere in the past.

I never knew if Sally cheated on me again, it really didn't matter. The results would have been the same either way. My children would have lost respect for one of us if the truth of what Sally had done were revealed to them. They would have hated what their mother had done, but probably would have wanted me to give her another chance. As much as I love them, I wouldn't have given her that chance. The pain and humiliation was too deep. Sides would have been taken, and my family would have been pulled apart at the seams. I chose a way, right or wrong, that the family unit would stay intact and strong. The children's mother and I, could be loved and looked upon with respect, equally.

Saying goodbye to your kids for the last time, is a very hard and sad thing to do. I told each one of them how much I loved them, and just how proud of them I really was. I hugged and kissed them all goodbye, and asked them to give me some time alone with their mother while there was still time.

There was a lot left to be said to my so-called wife. The time was growing short, and I was getting weaker by the minute. I'd made a decision in the last few weeks about my little secret.

"Sally, please come closer. It's getting very hard for me to speak."

She slid her chair nearer the bed, "Don't try to talk dear, you should rest."

"No Sally, there is something very important to me that you must know. For twenty years you were my wife, my lover, and my best friend."

"Oh Charlie, you know we were married for forty years, not twenty."

"That's right and for the first twenty you were all of those things to me and more. But the last twenty you were just another slut that cheated on her husband," I said hoarsely.

"You... Knew?"

"Yes, I came home early from that business trip to Toronto. I saw you... it's still difficult for me to think of that day."

"Please Charlie, forgive me. I don't want you to meet your maker this way. Oh god, I'm so, so sorry. "

"Fuck your god," speaking as loudly as I could.

"Charlie no, please don't... Don't do this to me, let me explain. I beg you Charlie, I fell to temptation just once. Please forgive me, I beg you."

"Sally, I've kept this secret for all of these years bottled up inside. I never talked about it to spare the children. Now it is your secret to live with, and I hope that you live to be very, very old."

"Charlie please, you must forgive me before you die. Don't do this to me. If I ever meant anything to you... please Charlie, please," she said softly through the tears.

"Sally, one last thing. Now that I don't have to be nice to you, would you please get the fuck out of my sight," groaning with my last breath.

There is no Heaven,

There is no Hell.

There is just darkness,

In the place I now dwell.

I have known Heaven,

And I've lived in Hell.

For the sake of my children,

That I loved too well.

LYG