A Day Early: Epilogue

I apologize for the way this story came out. It was supposed to be three chapters with Tom, Julie and then the final chapter with both, but the middle chapter was initially corrupted so it couldn't be posted in sequence. I did post it later but it sort of ruined the flow. Anyway, a lot of good readers asked me to finish it, so here it is. Thanks to all who comment both positive and negative. You can guess which ones I listen to.

Thecelt

*

It has been just over two years since the divorce and I was looking forward to my weekend with Rachael. Tom and I had agreed during the divorce that I would gradually get more visits with Rachael as I progressed in my recovery. I had begun to see her about 8 months after I began therapy, at first under supervision and then alone. I now saw her almost every weekend. I would leave from work and pick her up. We would go home and fix dinner together, and I treasured my time with her. She was growing so fast and I had missed a vital part of her development. I was there, but not for her. It's difficult to explain but suffice it to say that I was truly her mother now and I would lose no more time.

Tom and I had not had much contact since the divorce. When I came to pick up Rachael, he would have her all ready and would open the door so she could run to the car. He wouldn't come out and I wasn't invited in. Since she was staying with me on the weekends, I had purchased duplicate PJs, toothbrushes and all the other stuff she needed for a stay over. We also had several outfits so that we could go most places without having to bring her suitcase each time she came. She brought only her favorite toys or dolls.

I had returned to work a few months after I began therapy and found that Richard had been fired. Apparently he put the bank in a very bad position so he was gone! With Richard gone, I was given the department head job for commercial loans. I wondered whether that was because I was qualified or because they wanted to keep me happy so I wouldn't sue. For whatever reason, I was happy: happier than I had been for some time. I didn't need the money since Tom had made sure I was well taken care of. He had kept his promise and split everything evenly during the divorce. I was pleasantly surprised when I discovered he had invested our savings wisely and we split a tidy sum. He had given me the house and I had sold it for a good price. I honestly couldn't imagine keeping it after the scene I had created, and Tom had never set foot in the house again after that night. My half of the equity was enough to allow me to buy a small cottage home with two bedrooms, one for Rachael. I put Tom's half in a separate account even though he wouldn't touch it. I thought that maybe someday it would make a nice college fund for Rachael.

Before I left for the day, I stopped in to see John Williams, the bank manager and a personal friend. If it wasn't for John and his wife Lauren, I may not have survived my breakdown. They were the first to come to my aid and had never left my side.

"Good night, John. I'm off to get my daughter for the weekend. Oh, by the way, we closed the loan on the Carter business expansion. Good terms and a solid credit rating." I stood in his doorway watching him frown at the computer screen. He hated computers.

"Have a good time and thanks for the update. I have to say we seem to be having a run of good luck lately, or do you think that maybe you have something to do with that?" He knew we were one of the companies leading loan houses. Since I had returned as department head, we closed more commercial loans and with a better track record than any of the other subsidiaries.

"Just your good management. See you Monday." I left feeling good about my life and life in general. Only a few things I would change if I could, but we don't always get all we wish for.

It was just a short 20-minute drive to Tom's condo. He had bought a ground floor condominium within biking distance of his workplace. He loved to bike and the exercise suited him well. While I only saw him briefly, he sure looked in good shape. Better shape than when we were married. The condo had three bedrooms; one he used for an office while the other was Rachael's room.

I pulled into the parking slot in front of his condo and shut off the engine. I waited for Rachael to come running out of the door as usual. Instead, I waited for about 5 minutes without seeing her. That was strange. I got out of the car and walked up to the door. I rang the bell and waited.

"Mommy! You're here." Rachael opened the door and jumped into my arms. She was now almost 4 years old. I hugged her and kissed her little face. "Where were you? Usually, you run out the door almost before I can stop the car." She just smiled at me.

Just then, Tom walked into the hall and watched the two of us. He was smiling as he stood there. It was good to see him smile. I had missed that smile so much.

"How are you doing, Tom? You look like you have lost some weight. Is that due to the daily bike trip to work and back?" He really did look good! "I'm sorry, but I guess neither of you heard me pull in."

"We were expecting you. And, thanks: I'm doing well. Yes, I think the 3 miles to and from work are making a big difference. I also bought a new exercise machine that I use three times a week. Would you like to see it?" That was a surprise. He had never invited me in before, let alone give me a tour. I had not even seen Rachael's room.

"Come on, mommy. I can show you my room too. You should see the bed and the chest and the closet and all the clothes I have." She grabbed my hand and started to pull me along. I looked at Tom to see if it was OK. He just smiled and nodded.

Her room was really neat. It was painted all pink and while and looked exactly like her room in the old house. The furniture was almost the same so I think Tom and Rachael had picked it out together. For a second, the sadness returned and I started to tear up, but I quickly caught myself and gave my daughter a smile and praised her choices. She sat down and began to dress one of her dolls.

Tom had followed us and was standing in the doorway watching.

"Come on and I'll show you the rest of the place. You haven't seen it before, if I remember correctly."

Tom waited for me to leave Rachael's room and he followed me down the hall to the third bedroom, which was his office. He had an exercise machine in the middle of the floor and a boom box with a collection of 70's music that he said he listened to while he exercised. He said he loved to 'zone out' as he called it. I made approving noises but I was really having trouble keeping my emotions under control. We went into the living room and then into a kitchen that was really beautiful: compact and neat. Tom always had liked to cook. Something smelled good but I didn't ask.

"The master bedroom is down that way. You will probably appreciate the master bath. It has a garden tub and a separate shower." Tom said this with no hint of sarcasm so I assumed he was only trying to impress me. He was right. It was magnificent. I told him as much.

"Would you care to stay and have dinner with us before you take Rachael for the weekend?" Tom looked at me as he offered the invitation. His look was closed and I could not tell what he was thinking.

"Uh, you caught me by surprise. I hadn't expected an invitation. I am not dressed for dinner and I'm still in my work clothes. I came here straight from the bank." I was nervous, excited, frightened, all at the same time. This was out of the blue! Tom had barely talked to me for the last 18 months, and now he was asking me to dinner?

"I'm sorry. That was rude of me to make a last minute invitation, especially when your time with Rachael is so important to you." He looked crestfallen. He truly was sorry and embarrassed.

"Tom! I would love to have dinner with you right now! I didn't mean that I didn't, I was just trying to cover my surprise. Yes, I'll be glad to stay." I saw the light in his eye and my heart missed a beat. "Spending time with you and Rachael is something that I would never miss out on. I have missed that more than anything else."

"Great, I know Rachael will be pleased. She wanted to know why you never wanted to see her room and I thought that it wasn't right that she should think you didn't care. I should have asked you in before, but I wasn't sure how you would react." Tom had a funny expression on his face. It was an expression he used to get when we were dating and first married. It was that look he got when he wasn't sure of what he wanted to do next. It was a mix of embarrassment, determination and uncertainty all mixed together.

"I have macaroni and cheese and hot dogs: Rachael's favorite dinner. Is that OK?"

That was all it took to break down my determination to keep my feelings under control. I began to cry, really crying. I turned to the sofa and sat down before my legs collapsed. I was overwhelmed with feelings that I had come to understand but thought that I had under tight reign. The overwhelming emotion was sadness. Deep, crushing sadness. I let it take over and control me.

Tom sat down next to me and put his arms around me and held me till I began to get myself under control. I took huge deep breaths and began to recite the mantra that Marvin and I had made up to help me during these attacks. "I have made mistakes, but I am willing to learn and go forward." I repeated this to myself as I felt control returning. After about 5 minutes of this, I finally looked at Tom.

"I am so sorry. It was the mac and cheese and hot dogs. I know that is her favorite and it suddenly reminded me of what I had destroyed. You and I and her setting down to dinner together, as a family." I looked at Tom setting there with concern on his face.

"The one thing I never told you after that night at home was that I am so sorry for what I did. I want to apologize to you for all I did to you and to Rachael and to us. I was sick, yes, but that was no excuse for destroying our family and our marriage."

"I have worked so hard to understand why I did the things I did and Marvin says that it was a combination of my pregnancy, the doctor we had at the time, the hormonal changes in me and the deep depression I went into. Those are all things that I don't understand and I still don't know why it all came out as a desire to hurt you. He said that was determined even before Rachael was born and was linked to the fear that I could loose the baby if you hurt me during sex."

"I have accepted the fact that I was not in my right mind and that I went slightly crazy for a long time. Most of that period is a blank to me and I don't remember much of what you did or said to me. When I try, I just remember periods of darkness. Just a cold, deep darkness! All of that time lost forever, and I can never get it back!" I began to shudder as it all threatened to come pouring back.

"Julie, please. You don't have to talk about this. That's not why I asked you to dinner. I just wanted to spend some time with you and our daughter, together, like we used to. I hate to see you in pain again after you have done so well for so long. I don't need you to apologize to me." It was his holding me that finally brought me around and let me slowly let go of the pain. I didn't want to ruin this chance he had given me.

"I'm sorry. I guess I had that locked up inside me for some time." I straightened up and put a smile on my face. I hoped it looked more genuine that it felt. "I promise, no more thinking about the past. Let's just enjoy the dinner and our daughter." I wiped my eyes and then, on the spur of the moment, asked Tom a question.

"Do you think we could get together sometime to just talk a little about what happened? I would like to tell you some of what I have learned about myself and maybe find out a little about what you have been up to?" I waited hopefully.

"Why don't we have dinner some night next week. I'll get a sitter for Rachael and we can just talk. We haven't done that in over two years. I guess it is time." He seemed sincere in has desire to get together. "We can go out to some neutral place or have dinner here. I can cook something. I have become quite the cook."

"Here would be great. I can bring the salad and desert if you can fix an entrée of some kind?" I was not going to screw this up. Public was not the place I wanted to begin the recovery of a life with my family!

Tom and I met on Tuesday of the next week in his condo, and after a dinner of spaghetti and meatballs, his own recipe, we sat down in the living room. Rachael was with Mrs. Nelson, a neighbor who sat for Tom often. We began to talk. I went first.

"I told you Friday when I broke down that I was sorry about all of the things I did to us. What I didn't tell you was that I was totally at fault and that you had done nothing to cause any of it. It is important that you know that. Marvin helped me to see that you could not have done anything to make things different. The problems were with me and in my failure at first to talk to you to let you know that something was wrong. That was the first mistake I made."

"The second mistake was in letting my fears turn to anger at you. Again, you did nothing to make that happen, and I didn't tell you why I was angry. Of course, I didn't even know that at the time. The anger is at the root of all of the mistakes that I made from that point on." It was actually a comfort to be able to tell Tom these things. You might think it would be so hard to tell someone you loved how you hurt him or her, but this was a necessary thing I had to do.

"Returning to work after Rachael was born should have been a good thing for me to help with the fear and the anger, but when John gave the department head to Richard, the anger intensified and since I was angry at you first, you became the target of all of my new anger. I didn't realize that of course, but it happened none the less."

"Finally, the affair with Richard was nothing more than an attempt to hurt you for wrongs that you were not guilty of. The strange thing is that I had no intention of telling you of the affair even though it was meant to hurt you. I can't figure that one out and even Marvin has a little trouble with that one. He thinks that I subconsciously knew that if you found out, I would lose my marriage, exactly as it happened, and I didn't want that."

"I know I told you that sex with Richard was a disaster and it really was. He was totally inept and selfish. I think that was one of the reasons I continued with it: it meant nothing and I felt little from it. That fit my scenario of hurting you but not benefiting from it. But the affair was the least of my betrayals. I betrayed your love, your trust and our marriage vows for nothing. I was also a victim in the affair, feeling cheap and dirty and constantly angry with everyone. I was the one who cheated, but I was also the one that I hurt the worst. You lost your wife: I lost everything."

I stopped, having said everything that I had wanted to say for the last two years. I looked at Tom to see how he was taking this. I wanted so much for him to understand everything.

"He never told you, but I met with Marvin on at least 5 occasions and we discussed most of what you have just told me. He feels that you have finally come to understand the root cause of your anger toward me and that you can now see what it led you to do. I agree with him on most of it. But, if you are willing, I would like to ask you some questions. If you would rather I not, that's OK." Tom watched me for a reaction.

"I will answer any question you have, if I have the answers. Honestly, some of this stuff is still over my head. But I'll try. Ask away." Here it comes! I would answer any questions he had and I would tell him the truth regardless of how it made me look.

"First, when you decided to cheat on me for the first time, what were you thinking? What did you say to yourself that said it was OK to cheat and break your vows to me and to God?" Tom was dead serious as he asked me this.

"Wow! That's one I never even asked myself." I paused to consider this question. I had to admit that it was one that I should have asked myself at the time I did decide to screw Richard. "I have to be honest and tell you that I never even considered it. I decided to cheat and never once thought of the consequences, the vows, the promises or any of it. That's as honest as I can be. In retrospect, if I had thought of it, there would have been no satisfactory answer. There is no acceptable reason to cheat, ever!"

"That's an honest answer. Thank you. My next question is one that is simpler. Why did you never consider coming to me, even in anger, and telling me what was on your mind?"

"That's easy. You were the root of my problems and the cause of my anger. To come to you to discuss anything was never going to happen. I avoided you. I didn't want to reason with you. I just wanted to hurt you and if I had given you a chance to make things right, I would have had to give up my anger." That one was much easier. Marvin and I had gone over that one many times.

"My last question. Was there anything that Richard did that you liked better than what I did? Not only sexually, but also when you were intimate with him following sex or just relaxing after work. Anything you liked about being with him?" God, this man could really ask some whoppers. I knew that he had been thinking about this much as I had. That fact actually made me feel somewhat hopeful.

"There was nothing about Richard that I enjoyed. He was young and inexperienced. I may have enjoyed being more mature than he but not much. He was a selfish partner sexually, wanting pleasure for himself but not caring about me. We did not spend any time intimately, as you put it, after sex or after work or at any time. We had nothing in common and nothing we shared. You may not understand this but that was the whole point! We shared nothing that would give me any pleasure! That was necessary to the whole affair. I couldn't enjoy it because that wasn't the point. Hurting you was the point!!" I was getting excited because it was necessary that Tom understand that I got no pleasure from what I had done. No pleasure, no sexual gratification, no nothing!

"I told you that day in the lawyer's office that Richard did not compare to you and you had nothing to worry about in that department. I meant that. You and I made love. Richard was someone I used to hurt you. He couldn't be too good or I would have had to break it off. You and I had stopped making love long before I started with Richard, but even the memory of you and I was better than the reality of Richard and I."

Tom was smiling at me and my heart swelled to the point of bursting. I could tell that he believed me and that what I said was what he wanted to hear. I smiled back at him and saw some of the love that we had shared in his eyes.

That evening was the beginning for both of us. We had a long way to go and I wasn't sure if Tom could ever forgive me but he was willing to try. With work and time, I hoped we could begin to build a life together based on friendship and a daughter that we both loved and who loved us in return. That shared love for her was a bridge between our differences and maybe a bridge to a new life for both of us. I knew now that I could no longer keep things to myself. I had learned to open my feelings to the one I loved and to work out differences rather than letting them fester. I would never make the same mistakes again.

Tom had come home a day early to find that I had destroyed our marriage. But maybe it was not too early: maybe it was just in time to fix something badly broken and to give us a second chance to get it right. What the future would bring, I didn't know, but it was a future worth fighting for.