A Day Early

Tom & Julie

After Tom left that night, I just sat on the couch not moving or thinking. I think now, looking back, that I was in shock. My husband had just walked out on me and I said nothing to stop him. I actually just smiled at him as I told him that I had been cheating on him and that he knew it. For some reason I expected him to get angry and cry and wail and plead with me to stay and work everything out. That isn't what happened.

When Tom looked at me after I said my piece, I could see anger and pain in his eyes. As he spoke, I could hear the sadness in his voice and the words were delivered in a manner dead and devoid of any love. I don't know what I had expected but this was not it. I listened and as he spoke, my mind seemed to awaken from a deep, dark place. A place it had been for the past year or more. I tried to focus on his face and I heard snatches of words as he spoke. I heard words like divorce, whore, custody, and others: words that had no meaning. Why was he saying these things? What had I done to make this man so angry with me? I tried to focus on what he was saying but I couldn't hold onto the words: they kept slipping away. I knew that something really bad had happened but I didn't know what at that moment.

Tom left the room while I just sat there with an arrogant smile on my face. I was still angry but I didn't know why or what. I honestly believe that I had gone just a little insane at that point and as I try now to remember what I was thinking or feeling, it is all still a blank.

Tom came out of the bedroom with an overnight bag and said he was going to his parent's place for the night. He said he would be filing divorce papers in the morning. With that he walked out of my life. I do remember feeling that my world had collapsed and I remember beginning to recall some snatches of what I had done. I know that I began to panic and to feel something for the first time: remorse and guilt. Other feelings that I had not had for some time came crashing into my consciousness with a vengeance. I know that drove me over the edge for a while.

I remained on that couch for almost 12 hours. I alternately cried, raged, slept and cried some more. In between crying, I raged at the things that I had done and cried because I didn't know why. I was angry with Tom and then I tried to remember why I was mad at him and no answers came. I remembered being angry a lot but not why. The more I tortured myself with my actions of the last year or more, the less I understood the reasons for actions that seemed so bizarre: actions that I would never have countenanced from Tom. Actions that drove me away from the little girl that I loved more than my own life. That was one of the more bizarre things that I could not explain. As I considered the things that I had done, things that had cost me my marriage and my little girl, I realized that I needed help. I was sick, of that I was sure. Regardless of what happened from this point forward, I needed to understand why I had acted as I had. To not know why I had done these things was not acceptable. As I became aware of my surroundings, I noticed that it was early afternoon. I was confused since the last I remembered it was late at night. Tom had just gotten home, and... Then I remembered.

I got up from the couch and went into the bathroom. I looked at myself in the mirror and almost didn't recognize the woman I saw there. My mascara had run from my tears. That was the first shock since I rarely wore mascara. More importantly, my makeup looked like that of a streetwalker: heavy mascara, red lipstick and false eyelashes. Who the hell was that person? It wasn't me. I also noted that I had on no panties or bra. Then I remembered why. I had actually been fucking another man in our bed! At that realization, everything came flooding back and I collapsed to the floor and just sat there in a daze. I must have sat there the better part of the day since I again became aware setting on the bathroom floor with the setting sun coming in the portal window over the tub.

I got painfully up and washed the makeup from my face and pulled my hair back into a ponytail. I put on just enough lipstick to make me look human and dressed in jeans and an oversized T-shirt. I looked like a boy. That was OK with me. Boys weren't whores! I left the bathroom and called John Williams, my boss at his home.

"John, it's Julie. Sorry about not coming in to work today or letting you know. I won't be in Monday and I need to ask you to give me some medical leave. I know it's short notice, but I am really sick and I need to get help." I know my voice trembled but I had to begin this now.

"Julie, you sound terrible. Is there anything I can do to help?"

"Yes, John. You can give me the name of a good shrink. I desperately need one to tell me what is wrong with me." I didn't mean to involve John in my problems but at this point, I had no one else to turn to.

"Julie, where are you? Are you at home? Is Tom with you? Julie, please talk to me."

"Tom has left me and I have been here at home for the past day trying to understand how my life has gone to hell." I was now sobbing into the phone. I was totally lost and I knew my life was out of control.

"Stay right there. I will be over in about 15 minutes." John hung up before I could say anything.

I thought about Aunt Sophie. I wondered if I could stay with her for a while. It wasn't fair to Tom and Rachael to make them stay somewhere else. This was their home. I was the one that fucked up so they should not have to pay. That was the first time in a long time that I had actually thought of either of them before myself, but I was concerned about what I would tell Aunt Sophie. I wasn't sure I could tell her the truth about what I had done because I couldn't answer the questions she was sure to ask.

I decided I had to call. This was hard but it was the most important thing in the world to me at that time: to do the right thing for Tom and Rachael! I had to do this while I still could! I went to the kitchen and called while I had the courage.

"Hi, Aunt Sophie. It's me. I really need a place to stay for a while. I need to be away from here for a few days. Can I come stay with you?" To my surprise, Aunt Sophie did not even ask me any questions. She simply told me to come whenever I wanted and to stay as long as I liked. She would be there for me for whatever I needed.

Her kindness was almost painful. Everyone I talked with wanted only to help me. John Williams, my boss was on his way to help. Aunt Sophie only wanted to be there for me. No questions asked. The last words Tom said to me as he left for his trip were words encouraging me to get help or to talk to someone. Even as he left me Thursday night, he said he would be fair to me and would pay for my lawyer. And I? I had lied and cheated on all of them. I lied to John by pretending to see clients while I fucked Richard. I lied to Tom when I told him I had done nothing to jeopardize our marriage. I had broken my vows to him and to God. I had not told Aunt Sophie the truth about needing her. Overall, my record was perfect. Lying, cheating and ignoring my own daughter.

I waited for John to get here. I would start with the truth, telling him every thing that had happened from the time I started back to work. I would take it from there.

*****

After I walked out on Julie Thursday night, I got in my car and opened the garage door. I just sat there for a few minutes, breathing hard and trying to get my feelings under control. I was shaking so badly I didn't want to chance driving. By the time the garage door was open I had started to cool down. I started the car a few minutes later and backed out of the garage. I wasn't sure where I was going to stay, but I decided to go to mom and dad's place in the city, at least for the night. I put in a call to dad and told him I would be there in a few minutes.

As I drove to their home, I thought back over the past hour. What I saw as I turned on the light was a shock, but not a total surprise. I knew something was wrong but I had honestly believed that Julie would never do anything like that. To see her in bed with another man was the worst thing I could have conceived of. How could she do that to me: fucking another man in our bed. In the same bed where our daughter was conceived: where we had spent the best part of our married life. The degree of betrayal that encompassed was inconceivable to me.

This must have been the reason behind the lack of lovemaking for so long. She must have been fucking this guy behind my back for the past year or so. At that thought, a shock went through me, the second of the night. Was Rachael even my daughter? That thought made me pull over to the side of the road and spill my guts out the open door of the car. I heaved my airline peanuts and orange juice over the guardrail of a dark, lonely side road. A fitting metaphor for my life at this point.

As I sat there trying to get a handle on every thing, I realized that unless this was not her first lover, there was no chance that this asshole was Rachael's biological father. I had recognized him as he grabbed for his clothes as the punk kid Julie worked for at the bank. I knew he had only been hired after she left for maternity leave. So, he was out. That left the rest of the time at the bank. I didn't think John Williams would have been in the dark if Julie had been having an affair after we were married. She had worked for him ever since graduating from college. He and I had played golf together. John would not have kept me in the dark if he suspected anything. As a matter of fact, a phone call to John should be on my list of things to do. If Richard was Julie's boss, and he was screwing her, that was sexual harassment and the bank could be in deep shit if I wanted to press the issue. Yes, a call to John was in order.

I pulled in to my parent's place and saw that dad had left the porch light on over the front door. I grabbed my overnight and went up the steps. My father opened the door as I did. He just reached for the overnight and stood aside for me to enter.

"I told Helen to just go back to sleep and let you and I talk. She didn't like it, but I told her that we needed to talk first, man-to-man. She'll accept that." He took the overnight and put it into the spare room. Rachael had her own room here that dad had fixed up for her shortly after Julie went back to work. He was glad to do it and mom loved the idea. Julie had never commented on it.

"Dad, I want to tell you every thing, and for my own sanity, I have to do it tonight. I will start by saying that Julie and I have parted ways and I don't think that we can work things out." I dropped down into the comfortable chair that was moms when she was watching TV. I realized how tired and mentally exhausted I was. It had been an intense 24 hours for me, ending with the collapse of my world. Tough for anyone to take.

"Son, I hear what you are saying but I don't think any decisions made at this time are going to be very good ones. Why don't you wait till tomorrow for any decisions: when you are rested and can think clearly?"

"You're probably right. I can tell you this. After what I saw tonight as I came home and after what Julie said to me just before I left the house, there are going to have to be hard decisions made. They will be necessary decisions, but not good ones." I was tired and depressed but as I began to talk to dad, the words just began to pour out.

"I walked in on Julie in bed, fucking Richard Means, the asshole she works for at the bank. I had tried to talk to her just before my trip to St. Louis, but she wouldn't take the time to talk to me. She denied doing anything that would hurt our marriage and then I come home to that. She told me she had been cheating on me for some time and actually had the guts to say I knew about it and did nothing!" I shook my head. "She knows so little about me that she would actually believe I would accept that fact that she was fucking someone else and do nothing about it."

"We haven't made love for over a year and a half, since about 3 months before Rachael was born. We have had sex, but never made love again after the doctor told Julie to take it slow just before Rachael was due. Julie has wanted nothing to do with me since the birth and since she went back to work, nothing. She went to work against my wishes and actually made the decision before she even told me. She cares little about what I want and nothing about Rachael. She called her the brat! Can you imagine a mother talking about her daughter like that?"

"This marriage is over. I can't imagine a reason for Julie's behavior. Even if there were, she never had the decency to come to me and talk about what was bothering her. She chose instead to betray me and break our wedding vows. She even chose to do it in our bed and in our home." I had tears flowing down my face by now and did not even try to hide it.

Dad simply listened and heard me out. He rose from his chair and came to me. He reached down to touch my cheek and said, "Son, you are hurting and in deep pain. I can see that. Go to bed and let's talk tomorrow. You can't handle much more tonight." With that, he pulled me to my feet, hugged me tightly, and led me like a little boy back to the spare room. He flicked on the light and helped me to bed. I lay down with my clothes on and dad removed my shoes. I didn't even notice.

"Goodnight son, try to get some rest." He turned out the light and shut the door.

I awoke Friday morning in my old bed at home in my parents place. I stretched, feeling drained. I suddenly remembered why I was here and the shock hit me again, taking my breath away. My marriage was over and my life would change from this day forward. I rose and went into the bathroom where I shaved, took a shower and combed my hair. All routine tasks but it was almost more than I could manage right at that instant.

I went out to the kitchen where mom had begun breakfast for her and dad. She smiled when she saw me and asked if I would like something to eat. She knew I rarely ate breakfast and normally took only coffee and sometimes a bagel.

"Thanks, mom but I'm not really hungry. A cup of your delicious coffee would hit the spot though." She smiled and put the cup in front of me and filled it with steaming brew. I put both hands around the cup to feel the warmth. For some reason, I felt cold inside.

"Your father told me some of what you said to him last night. He said to let you talk in your own time. That's what I intend to do, so don't you worry about me grilling you." Mom smiled at me and for a brief instant, I remembered the safety that I always felt living here. It was just what I needed.

"I want to tell you all about it mom, but I don't know if I can get my own head around all of it yet. Did dad tell you what I walked in on last night at home?"

"He told me and I wouldn't have believed it if you hadn't seen it with your own eyes. I knew something was wrong with Julie, and have known for some time. When she brought Rachael over, she seemed distracted and uninterested in anything but getting away: but not what you described. That is not a thing I would have believed. I am so sorry you had to see something like that." She watched my face as she spoke. She could tell the pain I was in.

"According to Julie, this was not the first time with Richard. She indicated she had been cheating on me for some time and actually thought I knew about it. She said as much." I didn't want to remember last night, but there was no way I was ever going to forget it.

"I think more than her cheating was the way she spoke of Rachael. She called her a brat and she gave me every indication that she was jealous of my love for Rachael. She claimed that I spent more time with Rachael than I did with her. When I told her that she had forced me to spend time with the baby since she had turned away from both of us, she refused to believe it. I honestly think she is nuts!"

Mom listened with a serious expression on her face. I expected anger and disgust, but the look was more concerned and introspective. She obviously was thinking about something that I had not seen.

"Tom, I want to say something to you and I want you to listen. I am not going to try to change your mind or ask you to do anything but I want you to hear what I am going to say. Will you do that?" She would say no more until I promised to hear her out.

"Of course I'll listen to you. I have always valued your advice and wisdom."

"OK, here goes. The things that you describe Julie doing and saying make a small amount of sense to me. The timing of her actions also hits me as important. The fact that a mother would resent her child and do something that would cause her child and her husband pain is not easy to explain but it does sort of fit a pattern that I have heard tell of before."

"Sometime, when a woman has a baby, things change in her chemistry. Her hormones begin to get out of whack early in pregnancy and stay confused through the birthing. Afterwards, things get back to normal. Sometimes! Sometimes they get haywire again but in a different way. They have a name for it: It's called post something depression, or something like that. In any event, it's a deep depression that makes a woman do some very strange things. It's unusual for it to last as long as it seems to have in Julie, and it is rare that the action is directed against the husband rather than the baby, but it happens." Mom looked at me to see how I was taking this. My expression must have told her something since she continued.

"I know you don't think I am right considering what Julie has done, but I believe it explains most of her behavior." She looked at me now. "I don't know what you will do with this information. It's not my place to tell you what you should do. I love you and Julie and the baby. I will not judge Julie till I know more, but I do know that she has hurt you and that makes me angry. And, I know you won't believe me when I tell you this, but the pain that Julie is going to feel when this hits her is going to be awful."

"You may well be right about what caused Julie to do what she did. I'm sorry but I don't care about her reasons. I only want what is best for Rachael and to be away from Julie is best." I paused before I went on.

"I am going to see my lawyer today and begin divorce proceedings against Julie. I am going for full custody of Rachael and I have told Julie that if she fights me on that, I will bring her lover into the mix and sue him for alienation of affections or something like that. I have no malice towards her though and I told her that I would divide every thing 50/50 and give her the house. I don't ever want to see that house again. I don't want to hurt her even though she had no such reservations about hurting me and Rachael."

"Tom, I am so sorry. But if that's what you feel you have to do, we will support you. You can stay here as long as you want and I will be glad to care for Rachael when you can't."

I got dressed before Rachael woke and went into the office. I told Claire that I only wanted to get some paperwork and that I would be gone the rest of the day. Since I hadn't planned on being in the office that day, there were no meetings scheduled so I was free to go. I only wanted to get my files from my desk. Those were my personal files with names, addresses, account information and bank records. Also all of the information on assets that we held in joint and singly. I would need those for my lawyer.

I spent over three hours with Jerry Adams, my attorney. Once he got over the shock of what I had told him, he was all business. He didn't want to give Julie as much as I did but I convinced him that custody was my primary concern and I didn't want assets to be a distraction from that. He agreed and we were ready to file the papers on Monday.