A Cucold's Diary

Chapter 17: Sharing Pleasure, Sharing Pain

November 2008

DISCLAIMER:

I have come to understand that cuckolding is a powerful form of S&M. I realized this and wrote about it in Chapter 27 of this Cuckold's Diary. If you will be upset by reading about this, I warmly invite you to read no further. Otherwise, enjoy!

*****

The most surprising reaction to Chapter 27 of my Cuckold's Diary came from my wife, Sally. After she read my analysis of why cuckolding turns me on -- namely, that it is a form of masochism, and that she is the one hurting me by her infidelity -- she said, "I really like it." I never expected that from my loving and very proper wife!

Not much more was said about it until last Wednesday, November 19th, when Sally called me at work and said she wanted to take me out to dinner. I happily agreed, and we met at our favorite Japanese restaurant about 9 p.m. We got settled, ordered our meal and then she reached across the table to take my hands in hers. "Tomorrow is our second anniversary. I wanted to celebrate it with you and to tell you that it really is a celebration for me," she said.

Anyone overhearing us would have been touched by the love with which this 50-something wife spoke to her husband of two years, and by the sincerity with which she told me she was celebrating our anniversary. What that bystander would not have known is that we have been married for over 25 years, and that the next day was the second anniversary of the time she last had sex with me.

I shivered as if I was freezing cold. She watched me and smiled as she held my hands.

As we ate, we talked about how her decision had been a good one for our marriage. We talked about how close we feel to each other, and how sex between us had always been a source of conflict. She spoke of how her lover, Ted, had taught her how good sex could be and how much she loved it when it was not with me. I talked of how all the other barriers in our relationship disappeared when she put up the one, impenetrable barrier which keeps us apart sexually. Finally, she told me she had made appointments to have her hair done and to have a manicure and pedicure in preparation for her date with Ted the following Tuesday. It was a wonderful anniversary dinner -- a true celebration.

In bed that night I helped her to cum using my fingers, my mouth and her pocket rocket. She had a huge orgasm, and when she was finished I prepared to go to my home office to jerk off, as I always do. But when I kissed her goodnight she gave me a kiss that literally sent shock waves down my spine and had my cock hard in an instant. It was the sexiest, dirtiest kiss I have ever experienced in my life, unlike anything she had shared with me before. It went on for a long time, and by the time she stopped I was panting with lust.

"Oh, my God!" was all I could say.

"I thought you might like to know how I kiss Ted," she replied, and turned over to go to sleep.

That kiss haunted me for days. In fact, it haunts me still. I didn't know she could kiss like that. I didn't know she WANTED to kiss like that. Now I know: she can, and she does... with HIM. I can still taste that kiss, and I still get hard thinking about it. The thought of it makes me ache inside; a searing pain of loss as I think about how much she gives Ted that she denies me. That she has always denied me.

Late that night, getting ready to cum for the second time in an hour (which is no easy feat for someone my age), I realized what was happening. Sally said she really liked the story about the pain of cuckolding, and she had evidently decided that she could, indeed, hurt me by sharing her feelings about sex. You have to know my wife to understand how huge a step this was for her, as she is a dignified and proper woman at every moment. Even her email correspondence with Ted has been just about G-rated in between their dates; not only is she not one to "kiss and tell," she doesn't even kiss and talk about it with the man she kisses! But now I was experiencing something I had never seen before: she understood that it was all right to hurt me by sharing what she enjoys with her lover, and I was getting it - in spades.

As she had planned, she spent the daytime on Monday getting ready for her date. Hair beautifully done and a dark, red polish on her fingernails and toenails. She said she liked the color because it would be a great contrast with his skin when she was stroking him. Little did I know how important that would be the next day.

Monday night after work, we drove to the hotel. We arrived after 11 p.m. and Sally was exhausted. We talked for a few minutes about the next day, and she fell asleep. I went out to the living room of the suite and jerked off for a while, making sure not to cum so I would be horny enough to cope with the next day's events.

I awoke early in the morning, dressed and went downstairs to bring Sally breakfast in bed. When she was fully awake and starting to get ready I left to buy lunch for the two of them. When I returned, Sally had "dressed" for her date: a short, black slip and black panties. Her breasts were literally pouring out of the top of the slip; when she finished doing her hair and asked me how it looked, I had a hard time believing Ted would notice even if she was bald, given the gorgeous cleavage I saw in front of me.

No need for a blow-by-blow (!) description of the day. Suffice to share the moments that are burned in my memory.

Sally and Ted sitting on the couch in the living room, cuddling together. Ted's arm is around her and his hand is caressing her breast through the slip, as if it is the most normal thing in the world to do this with a married woman in front of her husband. Sally turns to him and kisses him, and as the kiss continues I realize what I am seeing: this is THE KISS she gave me a few nights before! I see him pull her closer and caress her cheek with his hand as their lips and tongues continue their dance, and although I've seen them do this before, this is the first time I really understand what he is feeling. She had "demonstrated" this kiss for me, but now I see that it is -- and always was -- for him.

They spent two hours in the bedroom together. From my customary seat just outside the closed bedroom door, I hear what sex -- great sex -- sounds like. I hear Sally's special sound -- the one she makes when he first enters her. I hear Ted gasping and groaning for a good twenty minutes as he fucks her. Twice, as his groans built in intensity, I hear him say, "Whoa, that was close." I hear Sally's vibrator, and I literally feel the floor shake when she cums in his arms. I hear them talk afterward; while I cannot make out their words, I can tell when they are talking sex and when they are talking as friends. I hear them do both. I also hear Ted's gasps during their "friends" talk; a reminder that they are not JUST friends, and that my wife's hands are always busy when they are in bed together.

Yes, I jerked off the whole two hours, but nothing I could do by myself could possibly equal the pleasure they gave each other. I looked at my cock and thought that I don't remember what it feels like to have it touched by someone else, or what it feels like to be inside my own wife's body. I masturbated to the sounds of my wife having sex with another man - the moans and groans of ultimate, intimate pleasure -- and felt the emptiness and loneliness which are my sensations when my wife is having sex. I remembered the kiss she shared with me and was overwhelmed with the thought that if she fucked him the way she kissed him, he must be in heaven.

After nearly two hours I heard them moving around inside, and I thought they might be coming out for lunch. Instead, Sally called for me to come in. That was VERY surprising, as their bedroom has been almost completely off limits to me for years now. I opened the door to ask what she wanted, and was faced with this: Sally was lying on her back, completely naked and uncovered. Ted was kneeling on the bed by her side and his face was contorted with a look of absolute ecstasy. Looking down, I saw why: Sally's hand was around his cock and she was stroking him.

Sally said, "We thought we would give you a present for your anniversary, so we invited you in to watch for a minute." I nearly cried. I nearly came. I croaked out, "Thank you," and stood in the doorway, watching and masturbating. Clearly, Ted was "close" again, because his body twitched with each movement of Sally's hand. I saw her stroke him, then gently hold his cock and move her index finger across its head. He reacted to each touch with a groan, and he grabbed the headboard to keep from falling as she jerked him off. As I watched, I realized that Sally knows this man very well. She knows how to touch him, she knows what he likes and she knows when to back off so she can keep him at the edge of orgasm. I realized, too, that I was looking at the penis that has replaced mine: the only one my wife wants to touch, the only one she wants inside her, the only one she wants to please.

She played with his cock like a musician playing an instrument. She knew what response she wanted, and she knew how to get it. Ted responded with grunts, moans and spasms which made it clear that the song she was playing was his favorite. She played his cock with skill, but more shocking was how she played it with passion: as she stroked and caressed him she watched him with such intensity that it seemed she was masturbating him with her mind. Witnessing that connection between my wife and her lover, I felt an immense emptiness inside as I saw what I have been missing for much more than the past two years. And I felt like I wanted to melt into the floor when Ted opened his eyes and looked at me, his mouth falling open and his head tilting to the side as my wife stroked his penis in front of me. He didn't laugh at me. He didn't need to.

I stood there jerking off as hard as I could. And suddenly I realized that this "anniversary present" was something I had never experienced before. Sally and Ted were giving me a "present" of hurting me right in front of my face. To guarantee that I knew what they were doing -- in case Ted's groans and the shaking floor were not sufficient proof of my wife's infidelity -- they had invited me in to watch as my naked wife stroked her lover's penis. I was excited and humiliated and overwhelmed and hurt, all at the same time.

At one point Ted cried out with pleasure, and as he did, Sally looked at me and smiled. I could barely breathe as I understood her unspoken message: "This is what you are missing." Even more difficult to describe, her look also said, "I love you." So as my naked wife jerked off her lover, and as he writhed with ecstasy, I did my best to give her a look which said, "I love you, too."

My "anniversary present" lasted about five minutes. Then Sally said, "That's enough. Please go." I could not argue; hell, I could barely talk. I said, "Thank you" to both of them again, and Ted answered, "You're very welcome. You earned it through two difficult years." He actually lost the last word in a grunt as Sally did something to his cock, but I got the point. I backed out of the room and closed the door behind me.

I took my seat outside the door and listened as Ted fucked my wife. Moans and groans and both of them laughing as she took him right to the edge and backed off again. They were not just having sex -- they were having fun.

After a period of quiet, the door opened and Sally emerged with her slip and robe on. She said it was time for lunch, but Ted wanted to talk with me first. I peeked into the bedroom and there was Ted, lying on his side, his cock standing straight out from his body. He said "Come in," and I did. Even before I had gotten into the room he started talking about how wonderful the morning had been. He rolled onto his back and told me that Sally had gotten on top of him the first time they fucked. I looked at his erection and thought of my wife on her knees, sliding that cock into her body. I tried to imagine how it felt to have her pussy draw him in and kiss him as he moved in and out. I thought of his sperm dripping out of his cock as they fucked, and swimming up into her womb.

Ted said that he really liked it when she sat up on him. He said it felt great when his cock was straight up. "Like this," he said, moving his erect cock to illustrate how it was positioned when my wife fucked him. "And in this position I get to play with her tits, too," he added. I nodded, trying to understand how to carry on my part of the conversation when I was overwhelmed with shame and excitement over what he was telling me.

After a few minutes I sat down on the floor next to the bed. I couldn't stand up anymore, but more than that, I felt so submissive that it didn't seem right to be standing over him. He seemed to understand, and turned his head to face me while continuing to hold his penis in the upright position he had described. He didn't say much more; he didn't need to. We knew I wanted to be hurt, and we knew he was hurting me; anything else would have been superfluous.

I sat there for another five minutes or so, jerking off as my wife's lover let me look at the penis that had been inside her all morning. From time to time he would change position a little, or stroke himself to maintain his erection, but basically he allowed me to wallow in my humiliation. Finally he got up, said it was time for lunch, and threw his shirt over his shoulders. He walked right by me as I sat on the floor, but he paused for a second as he drew close so I could get a true submissive's view of his genitalia.

Lunch was normal -- normal, that is, for a cuckold. I watched my wife and her lover sit together at the small dining area table, talking as they ate the lunch I had purchased for them. Nothing out of the ordinary, other than the fact that neither of them was wearing anything below their waist and I was sitting on the couch, watching them and masturbating. As she has done before, Sally was kind enough to spread her legs as she ate; sitting across the room I had a perfect view of her bush and her swollen labia as she talked with her lover. They shared bread recipes - honestly, that's what they talked about. The funniest moment was when Ted gave her a good recipe and she asked me if I had a pen... I looked down at myself, wearing nothing but a coating of Vaseline on my cock, and wondered where she thought I would keep a pen!

As their lunch dragged on, I started to get frustrated: where was the passion? Where was the SEX? They are lovers, not neighbors, and they only see each other once a month. What gives?

Then I realized that I had answered my own question. They are LOVERS. They don't just fuck each other; they care about each other and enjoy each other's company. They don't care, and in fact seldom notice, that I am nearby; when they are together they do anything they want. They fuck, they touch, they catch up on each other's lives... they even share recipes. I got past thinking they had to be fucking to be having a good time together, and I looked at the two of them -- half naked, unashamed, happy to be spending time on their date.

When Sally actually made the bread the next day, I nearly came.

Finally they went back to bed. Usually, after spending all that time "behaving" at lunch, they get right into sex when they close the door behind them. This time, while there was a lot of kissing, they didn't ever change out of their "friends" voices. After a while I figured they were done for the day. I was sure of it when Sally asked me to come in again so we could arrange our calendars for their next date, as that is always the last thing they discuss before saying goodbye.

I opened the door and saw the two of them lying under the sheet together, side by side. Sally asked me about December 9th and I said it was fine; Ted asked about the 16th as a backup and I said that was fine, too. (You can be sure I had checked all the dates in the next two months in advance!) They thanked me, and Sally gave him a kiss saying, "I had a wonderful time today." Ted kissed her back. Then he kissed her again. Then he took his hand and caressed her cheek, drawing her mouth back to him for another kiss. As he did, his other hand moved under the sheet, and I could see he was touching her breasts. Then his hand moved down until its outline disappeared between her legs. She spread her legs and he kissed her again; this time I could see their mouths open and their tongues dance between them. Ted shuddered, then looked at me and said, "It's time for you to leave us alone."

There was an urgency in Ted's voice that made it clear I was to leave right away. If ever I needed proof that I was born to be a cuckold, it would be the fact that I did not even hesitate. Much as I wanted to watch what would happen next, I knew it was my lot to give the lovers their privacy. I closed the door behind me and as I sat down on my seat outside the door I heard Sally gasp. Ted was inside her already.

They only fucked for a few minutes. His cries of pleasure grew from the second he entered her until he came with a sound that made me think he was being choked. All I could think of was him showing me his erection an hour before; now I heard what happens when he slides that erect penis into my wife's body. I thought about seeing her stroke him; I thought about seeing him demonstrate the position of his cock which felt best when she got on top of him; I thought about her not allowing me to feel any of that for two years; I thought about them hurting me. I thought about all of this as I heard his aftershocks and my wife's loving voice telling him how good he felt in her.

I did not cum through all of this. I wanted to desperately, and I was so close to cumming that I had to stop dozens of times along the way. But I knew that I was hurting badly from everything that had happened, and my horniness was the only thing which allowed me to be excited by the pain. I must have dripped more semen than most men cum when they ejaculate, and by the time Ted stopped groaning I realized my head was spinning with the effects of the day's events. I moved to the living room, sat on the couch and stroked my cock gently; any more and I would have cum, but any less would have left me in tears.

Not long after that Ted came out of the bedroom, fully dressed. He closed the bedroom door behind him, and said Sally was taking a nap. I figured he was ready to leave; in light of the "anniversary presents" they had given me, I did not think he would take the time to sit and talk with me now. But he came into the living room, sat on the chair facing me and began to talk.

We talked for more than 20 minutes. Not once did he say, "Wow, did you see the way your wife stroked my cock?" or "You should have seen the look on your face when I told you to leave," or "Ha ha, you're a cuckold." No, Ted is much too dignified a man to speak like that to anyone -- even to a husband whose wife he had just fucked. What he did was to relax into the chair and start telling me what a wonderful time he had with Sally.

As I listened to him I realized that he simply accepted the fact that my wife loves sex with him and refuses to have sex with me. Talking with him online a few days later, he told me that he is "completely comfortable" with his role, and felt fine sharing some of the intimate details with me. "After all," he wrote, "How many ways are there to thank a man when he just helped you fuck his wife?" As the conversation grew more and more intimate I felt smaller and smaller, as if I were actually sinking into the floor from shame and humiliation. Without saying a word I slipped off the couch and sat on the floor; it seemed, as it had in the bedroom, that we were not equals and should not be on equal footing as we spoke. Ted just smiled and continued talking.