A Comfort Woman

"But surely you must have known."

"Why on God's earth should I have known? I've always trusted you. Always!"

"But I was staying with Jason."

"He was a friend! One of our best friends. He'd just lost his wife. Why would I believe you were fucking him?"

"I wasn't fucking him. I was consoling him."

"By fucking him!"

"He needed someone to care. He needed comforting. He needed a physical touch to help with his emotional healing."

"So hold his hand. Give him a hug. Don't fuck him! Not when you're married to me!"

"He was devastated. He's your best friend. My heart was breaking for him."

"So you fucked him!"

"I consoled him. Don't make it sound so tawdry."

"It is tawdry! I can't believe you. I can't fucking believe you. Just get out. Get out of this fucking house!"

"I'm not leaving. I can't explain what happened if I'm not here with you."

"You've already explained what happened. Now I have to decide what to do about it. So get your shit and get out of this house, or so help me God I'll throw you out!"

"Patrick. You're overreacting. This is nothing to be upset about. A good friend was in need. All I did was help him through a dark time."

"By fucking him!"

"Stop saying that! He was in pain. I did what I could to ease it."

"By fucking him!"

"Stop it! Stop it! I did something good, and you're trying to cheapen it!"

"Get out. I'm leaving to get something to eat, and when I get back in an hour you better be gone."

* * * * *

She wasn't gone. I came into our house from the garage and she was sitting at the kitchen table.

"Have you scratched your mad spot enough? Are you ready to talk about this like adults?"

I glowered at her and walked right past, up the stairs to our bedroom. I saw that she'd made no effort to pack any bags or even gather her things together. Fine. If she wasn't going to leave, then I would. I wouldn't stay in the same house with her for a single moment longer than necessary. I got three suitcases from the attic, and started jamming clothes into them. I was going for speed, not order, so I was nearly done when Marlene came looking for me.

"What are you doing, Patrick?"

The full name treatment. She fucks our friend for three weeks and I'm the one who's misbehaving. Unbelievable.

"What does it look like I'm doing? Since you won't leave I will."

"Please don't go. We have to work through this together."

I ignored her as I shoved in the last of the clothes that could fit. I went to the master bath and aggressively collected my toiletries.

"Patrick. Please. You're being ridiculous. Stop acting like a petulant child. No one stole your toys."

"No," I snarled, "you gave that fucking asshole a lot more than my fucking toys."

"I love you, Patty. You know that. But you don't own me. Jason needed someone to hold in his grief, and I was there. He's our friend. It means nothing to us, to our marriage."

"He'll never be my friend again. And it means everything to our marriage."

I zipped up the last bag. I grabbed two of the suitcases and put them in the trunk of my car. Marlene was still in the bedroom when I got the last one. She followed me downstairs, talking the whole time.

"Patty, please. Stop this nonsense. I see your ego is bruised, but it was really nothing. I was just helping out a friend. He's one of your best friends."

"He was. He's dead to me now. Just as dead as Sarah is."

That stopped her for a bit. I'd known Jason since we were twelve, when his family moved in next door to ours. He was my oldest friend, and one of the three guys I usually counted on when the chips were down. But this betrayal ended everything.

"Please slow down, Patty. Talk to me. Let me explain."

She was following me into the office. I was packing up my desk while she leaned against hers on the opposite wall.

"You've already made it quite clear. There's nothing left to explain. He was sad. You fucked him. I'm leaving you."

"Please, Patty. Don't go. Stay here. We've always talked things out. We're about to start a family. We've got so much ahead of us. There's no need for this drama. Everything will be fine. You'll see. You love me, I love you. My feelings for you haven't changed one bit."

I closed up my backpack and looked her straight in the eyes.

"But my feelings for you have. Goodbye, Marlene. You'll be hearing from my lawyer."

She gasped as I walked out.

* * * * *

The avalanche of calls and texts started as I pulled away from the house. I deleted everything from Marlene without reading or listening. I went to the gym to thrash out some of the energy surging through my body. It helped, but not nearly enough. After showering and purging my phone of Marlene's latest messages, I checked into a motel close to work. We'd never done the Find My Phone thing, so I wasn't worried about unwelcome visitors. My phone was buzzing constantly though, so I finally blocked Marlene's number after a couple more hours. My relief was short-lived.

The calls from my parents and my sister started. Those conversations were short.

"What's going on, Patty? Mars called and said you'd left her."

"Did she tell you why?"

"No, just that you were upset. You know that every marriage has its rough spots, Patty. You have to stick together and work through them."

"She fucked Jason for three weeks."

"What?"

"She fucked Jason for three weeks. To help him overcome his grief."

"But that's -- that doesn't make any sense at all. Are you sure?"

"She told me."

"Oh, you must have misheard her. That can't be right. I'm sure it's just a misunderstanding. You need to get this sorted out with her. She's your wife, darling."

"Goodbye, Mom."

I had nearly the identical conversation with Carlie. Apparently Marlene's infidelity was my issue, not hers, at least according to my family. I must have missed the part of the Florence Nightingale story where she fucked all of her patients back to health.

I got a sandwich and salad from Whole Foods and ate it in my motel room watching the Twins. I couldn't tell you anything about either the food or the game. At some point my phone rang. It was Jason.

"Fuck you, asshole. Don't ever speak to me again." I hit End before he said a word. Then I blocked his number too.

The next day wasn't much better. Marlene was using friends' phones, so I just started blocking those numbers as she used them. I deleted voicemails as soon as I heard they were from her. Or friends calling on her behalf. Her texts showed her growing frustration.

- Talk 2 me Patty. Pls

- Come home n talk 2 me

- We need 2 talk honey

- Call me. Im worried about u

- It was nothing. Talk 2 me

- Call me. Stop this silliness n come home

- Dam it Patty! Call me!

Blah di fucking blah. The time between texts and calls was lengthening, so either she was finding it harder to source phones or she was realizing that I wasn't going to respond. I watched the Twins lose again, and I still couldn't remember what I ate. Or even if I did. I remember going outside for some air, but it was cloudy with scattered showers, so I wasn't outside for long.

* * * * *

Monday came right on schedule, and I went into work. I review insurance claims. It's not very exciting, but it needs to be done, and my reviews say I'm pretty good at it. Plus it pays well enough. I saw my boss first thing and told him Mars and I had split, so I'd need some time during the day to handle stuff. He said fine, but he expected me to stay late to finish the work in my queue. That was okay with me. What else was I going to do?

Marlene called ten minutes after I sat down at my desk. I recognized the number, but I had to answer the phone as part of my job, and I knew from the weekend that she was unrestrained when it came to phone use.

"What do you want, Marlene?"

"Thank God! Patty, please come home. I love you, and I miss you so much. We need to talk."

"No, we don't. You've said all I care to hear on the matter."

"You just don't understand. It was nothing."

"I do understand. And it was everything. You've made your position very clear. And I think I've been just as clear in mine. So let's just move forward from here."

"Oh, thank you, honey! I'm so glad to hear you say that. What time will you be home tonight? I've got everything to make lasagna. Can you get a nice bottle of wine on your way home?"

"I'm not coming home, Marlene. When I say move forward from here I mean with a divorce. Infidelity is a deal breaker for me."

"NO! You can't divorce me! I love you! And I know you love me! Come home so we can talk. Please!" I could hear her crying.

"We don't have anything to talk about, Marlene. This is as simple as it gets. We have opposing viewpoints on a central issue of our marriage. Now I have to get back to work. You know how Will feels about personal calls on the job."

"Don't hang up! We need to talk! If you hang up I'll call right back. And I'll keep calling until you agree to meet with me to resolve this whole thing."

Fuck! She had the leverage here, so I agreed. I wouldn't go by the house, but we'd meet at Giulia at six-thirty.

"Thank you, Patty! Thank you. I love you. I'll see you there."

I just hung up.

The rest of the work day sucked. I went to the bank and split our joint accounts. I called our credit cards, but I couldn't close them until we could pay them off. I asked for lower credit limits though. I called our HR department and changed beneficiaries on my insurance policy and 401(k) account. We'd have to sort the house out later -- it was mine before the wedding, but Marlene had contributed a lot to the mortgage payments. Thank God we didn't have kids to worry about.

* * * * *

I was careful to only take enough extra time that I could leave work and be to Giulia by the appointed time. I saw Marlene's car as I parked. Just as well. I don't go for the bullshit about seizing the high ground and controlling the field unless you're fighting an actual battle. In this kind of thing you say what you mean and let the cards fall where they may. I found her easily enough and sat down across from her without greeting her.

Marlene smiled at me, but without much confidence.

"Hi, honey. I'm glad you decided to come. I want to put this whole thing behind us, so you can come home."

I just stared at her. Her smile dimmed a bit, but she was game. I'll give her that.

"I'm sorry you're hurt, but it was really nothing. I don't love Jason. He needed me, and I was there for him. As a friend."

"As a friend who fucked him for three weeks."

"Please stop, Patty. That's not really helping our situation."

"Apparently I'm the first guy in history to be cuckolded by a more pathetic man. You know how that makes me feel?"

She sighed and plugged along.

"You're not pathetic. I love you. Only you. I miss you. I need you. Please come home."

"You fucked Jason. For three weeks. Maybe you should ask him to come home."

"I don't love Jason!"

"But you fucked him. For three weeks."

She gritted her teeth hard and her eyes bugged out with the strain.

"Please. Just stop, Patty. I can see you're very hurt. I thought you loved me and loved Jason enough to see that it was simply a kindness. There was no passion. No love. I was comforting him. That's all."

"You fucked him."

"Goddamnit, Patty! Is that all you're going to say? I'm trying to explain what happened, and you're just being obstinate. It meant nothing."

"Then why do it, Marlene? If it meant nothing?"

That pulled her up.

"Honey, I know you feel it was wrong. I'm not defending myself. I see the pain in your eyes, I hurt you, and I am so sorry. I was just being compassionate. I thought you'd understand. But we can move past this, we can get back to the way things were. Just give me a chance, and I'll prove it to you. I'll do anything to make it up to you."

"Too late. Some things you can't put back together."

Marlene tried to grab my hand, but I pulled both into my lap. Her empty hands fluttered and her frustration showed in her sharp inhale.

"Talk to me, Patty. Please tell me what I can do. Please. We need to fix this."

"Sign the papers when you're served."

* * * * *

She didn't sign the papers.

Instead she counterfiled, contesting everything in my petition and adding a request for relationship counseling. I resisted, but the judge ruled in favor of counseling, so late on a Tuesday afternoon I was sitting next to Marlene in front of Joanne DeMillo, MFT.

"What would you like to accomplish with our time together, Pat?"

"I want to do whatever will expedite a divorce."

"Hmm. So no interest in saving your marriage?"

"I don't have a marriage. She violated the terms, making it null and void. Now we just have to make it official."

"Marlene, I take it you have a different goal?"

Marlene was crying already. "I just want this nightmare to be over. I want Patty to come home where he belongs. I want my husband back in our house, back in our bed. I miss him so much."

"As I understand it, the issue is that you had sex with a friend of yours for three weeks as he grieved the loss of his wife. Is that correct?"

"Yes. Patty and I went down for the funeral, and I took some more time off work to help Jason around his house. Patty left because his boss wouldn't give him more time off. Jason was so lost, so down. I started off just holding him while he cried, but pretty soon he started clinging to me, then kissing me, then caressing me. After a couple days we slept together. But it was just sex. I don't love him, and I never did. It was just a kindness to a good friend who was suffering so much."

"And you didn't discuss it with Patty?"

"I did as soon as I got back from St. Louis. I told him what happened."

"And what did you expect his reaction to be?"

"I thought he'd understand. Jason was Patty's friend since they were kids. He saw how sad Jason was at the funeral. I thought Patty would see that I was just helping Jason with his grief." Marlene whimpered and wiped her nose. "It was just sex. It didn't mean anything."

"It seems Pat sees it differently. Care to elaborate on your feelings, Patrick?"

"Sex is supposed to be the one thing we have between us that's ours alone. It's how we know we're fully committed to each other."

"But I told you I don't love anyone else. Since the day we met my heart has always belonged to only you!"

"Prove it."

"What do you mean, 'prove it'? You know it's true, you know it!"

"How do I know you love me?"

"I tell you every day!"

"Words are easy. Actions tell the tale."

"I do a hundred loving things for you every day!"

"Like what?"

"I cook you dinner. I kiss you all the time. I listen to what you tell me. I make love to you."

"You cook dinner for our friends and families. You kiss your parents and my parents. You listen to everything your sister says to you. And you fuck Jason. So tell me what you do for me alone?"

"Don't be ridiculous! All those things are different with you!"

"Are they? How do I know that? Our faithfulness was the one thing we had that was only for each other. And you threw that away on Jason. There's nothing now that is ours alone."

"That's not true! We have our love! I don't love Jason. I don't love anyone like I love you!"

"But you can't prove it to me. And the way you just cavalierly tossed aside our promises to each other says I can't trust you with my heart. So we're done."

"NO! Stop saying that! You don't understand!"

"I think we've gone as far as we can together right now," Joanne said gently but firmly. "I'd like to spend the rest of the session tonight with Patrick alone. Can you come back at four on Thursday, Marlene? That's our next session, and we'll have an hour to work together then."

Marlene left sobbing. I felt very uneasy being alone with the therapist.

"Is there any path where you don't choose divorce?" she asked.

"No."

"That's pretty definitive. So no extenuating circumstances?"

"If she were drugged it would be a whole different thing. I'd give her everything I had, and then I'd kill the bastard who did it. One drunken slip? I don't know if I could forgive that, but at least there might be a way back. But this? She consciously chose to fuck Jason for three weeks, spending the nights in his bed like she was his wife. That's such a massive betrayal I'll never get past it."

"Do you think there's a difference between having sex and making love?"

"Sure."

"So she could have just been having sex with Jason. She could be still making love only with you."

"How can you tell the difference?"

"I don't know. Can you tell the difference?"

"I can't. I know my own feelings, but I don't know yours or anyone else's except by what you show me." I paused for a moment. "Do you know how to tell how important a commitment is to someone?"

"Tell me."

"It's by how much they have to sacrifice to keep it. Monogamy is really hard. Having a single partner for fifty or sixty years, forsaking all others, is hard. There's boredom and miscommunications and moods and conflicts and all kinds of other things to tempt you. So when you choose to sacrifice intimacy with everyone else in the world, then you're demonstrating how committed you are to your partner. To me, that's how you know if someone loves you like a partner should. They're willing to make a huge sacrifice day after day to show you that they love you.

"When she made the decision to fuck Jason, Marlene showed me that she wasn't willing to make that sacrifice. And there's nothing greater that she can sacrifice to make up for it. If I stayed married to her I'd have to guard against that kind of betrayal every day, and that's not a marriage I want any part of."

"So there's no chance?"

"None."

"Do you believe that people can make mistakes? That one act doesn't define a person?"

"Yes. But a mistake is a one-time slip up. Not a repeated action. There's no coming back from this."

"Then I'll need to prepare Marlene for divorce. There's no reason to waste everyone's time if you're not open to reconciliation."

That was a pleasant surprise.

"So you don't need me on Thursday?"

"No, I don't think so. She's devastated, and having you here would just twist the knife. I understand your feelings, and I see how strongly held they are. But if you do reconsider, I'm happy to work with you again, either alone or with Marlene."

"Thanks. But I'm not changing my mind."

* * * * *

And I didn't.

Marlene was inconsolable whenever I saw her. I gave up going to meetings with our attorneys because she'd wail as soon as she saw me. I didn't like to see her hurt, but I was suffering too.

Rage carried me for the first few weeks, but I was also numb. When I got my own little apartment and fell into a new routine I found coming home so deflating that I stayed at work as late as I could. My queue had never been so clean, and my coworkers were pissed that my extensive documentation made them look bad.

I really missed Marlene. Her absence was visceral, and I grew accustomed to the cramp surrounding my heart. I'd lie in bed wondering if I'd made the right choice. I missed her because I did love her so much; she was kind and generous and bright, and she made me laugh all the time. She was playful and sincere in bed. But she casually decided to fuck my friend, and I just knew that I could never again fully trust her to protect my heart. She didn't love me back, at least not like I needed. Call me insecure, call me stubborn, but a marriage should be a safe harbor, it should diffuse stresses and not concentrate them. And knowing that she fucked Jason while fully aware of it concentrated a lot of stress in me.

* * * * *

The year following our divorce was hard for me. Marlene may have been bereft, but I felt crushed too. I didn't go out much despite the efforts of friends and coworkers. I didn't see much of my family either -- they were so reluctant to condemn Marlene's actions that I could only take them in small doses. And I'm not sure that they didn't see Marlene more frequently than me. So I mostly sat in my apartment watching sports and hitting the internet porn sites when the tension got to be too much to handle without a release.