You Me and Blueberry

The story of you, me and blueberry.

Talia:

It was a lie I kept telling myself.

That I was fine.

Every day now, I would sit in my office and let my mind wander. Running my mind through all of the things I could say to you. That I should say to you...

But I couldn't muster up the nerve.

Like any self-deprecating soul, came the self-torment.

My mind telling me that there was no reason for me to have started something with you back then, just because I knew it probably wouldn't end well.

Lies I keep telling myself even though I've lived long enough to know the only person I'm fooling is me.

Well, no. Maybe I'm fooling Blueberry too.

That silly cat still loves you more than she loves me you know. She looks for you at the door and meows knowingly at me as if to ask when you'll be coming home.

Something I would never know.

Rushing into anything, was never something I could get into or let myself do. I know that it seems ridiculous to those who put their hearts on their sleeves and ambitiously go after the things they want and the people they want but we all aren't built that way. And though, while I am completely ok and happy about who I am as a person, with the exception of what I did to you, I can't help but feel a bit of envy at the courage some people have to be utterly brave.

Brave to live fully. Strength to love with no holding back. The courage to let life give you its own painstakingly sharp and exhilarating breath.

How crazy it all is. To get so wrapped up in a person, that you lose sight of everything around you simply because they are looking at you. Peering at you over a book. Side glances over small talks. Capturing you whole. All over little moments that build up until you don't know what to do with yourself any longer.

It was all wicked. I didn't allow myself these kinds of moments with others. Rarely anyway. I always felt like I wasn't ready. That this time in my life felt so complicated that it wouldn't be fair to me or anyone else to have to go through.

But with you, Everly, I found that it simply started to happen... and I don't even know how it truly began.

No, that's a lie.

I remember the start of it all.

It began the very moment we became friends. The way you shyly shook my hand. For me anyway, that first meeting was infectious.

The tingle on my fingers, the instant knot in my stomach. Both were immediate reactions to your presence. I had a crush on you just like that, and I could have never imagined you would later like me in return.

But that's over now.

You were done the moment I hurt you.

Shut me out.

Left.

Blocked.

It was all so fast.

After everything we'd been through and shared, our relationship was nonexistent.

I however, was never done.

I made a mistake and I probably deserve to be alone.

But if I'm honest, this is hard.

My feelings are flames of a fire refusing to be put out. As cheesy as it is.

You will forever be the one person I completely regret hurting. Something I can't forgive myself for. Nor would I want to. Even if it wasn't entirely my fault.

Every moment keeps burning my brain 'til I turn to absolute mush.

How cruel is that? I can remember the way we met, the instant pull my body felt to yours. I can pinpoint the moment you broke through to my inner walls. The moment my thoughts were all flooded of you. It all melds together.

Your smile and laugh.

The way your nose scrunched up when you made funny faces at me.

Your hands as they slowly traveled the sides of my thighs and waist.

How you would kiss me, with love in your eyes and hunger on your lips.

Each kiss enveloping more of me until our tongues met and danced.

How you'd pull me into you and drag me wherever you wanted.

Erratic fumbling of hands, mouths, clothes.

Loving you. Fucking you.

My hands in your luscious long chocolate locks.

All blurs. All gone.

But your presence was always there.

Even when I tried to date someone else to push you away. Push away these feelings that knew I would lose myself to you; it wouldn't work.

Because I was already yours.

Simply put, I kept going back to you.

Over and over in my mind it lingers on you still. The feelings of utter adoration and lust combine when I have you in my mind's eye. But I fucked up. And now I don't know how I'd look you in those beautiful brown eyes I once barred my soul to if I ever got the chance to.

"Ringgggggggg", my office phone snapping me out of yet another pitiful sad monologue. That would be the 5th one this week alone and it was only Wednesday. Pitiful.

I glanced at the wristwatch I recently purchased. Ever since you left, I've been losing track of time.

This had gone on for months.

"Hello, you've reached Talia, how can I help you?", I absentmindedly said into the phone after picking it up.

"Talia! Hey Hun, so I get it, I totally understand that you've been going through something for quite a while now but girlllll! You need to get your crap together and show up to this meeting with the local nonprofits we are working with this year. Everyone is waiting on it to begin. You and Thomas are the only ones from our team that aren't here yet and I really hope you get here before he does because then you're gonna have to make the coffee run for our manager! Hurry! Bye!", Monica, my best friend in the office, hung up on me.

Shit.

Every year we get new nonprofits who join us for some causes and fundraisers, and I totally forgot we were to find out who they were this week. It's always a mess in this time of the year.

Everyone is crazy from the holidays, people taking their vacations, school breaks, or desperately needing a break from overbearing families. Mix that with collaborations and you've got frantic people running around.

I really don't want to get the coffee so I dash for the elevator and pray I get there before our dummy Intern Thomas.

Floor by floor, my foot taps anxiously for this thing to hurry up. You'd think that a big heavy metal box would fall faster...

Let me actually not say that... heh, what do you want Talia? For you to fall down the elevator chute and die... God woman, get it together.

The doors finally open and there's a crowd in the lobby. Just great.

I push past a few people I don't recognize and look for my coworkers.

I spot Monica just as I see this skinny blond fucking college kid laughing next to her. Fuck. He turns around all goofy and says, "guess you should have taken the stairs!"

I give him the evil eye and he quickly runs to good ole Jared, the office goofball. Ugh. Saved for now.

"I told you to hurry, didn't I?", Monica shrugs her shoulders and says, "My efforts always go to waste with you, lost cause".

She wasn't wrong.

She always tries to look out for me but sometimes I fuck it up.

"Sorry Mon...", I say as I squeeze her into a hug. She laughs and says "I was being sarcastic, you know I love you tons, now unhand me! I hate physical affection eww."

She pulls away and slaps my arm playfully, just as we are all called to attention.

Everyone looks up at this Massively Tall Man as he guides our CEO up the steps of the lobby to the grand staircase that leads to the second floor.

I haven't seen our Founder and CEO in quite some time as she was a frail older woman who recently was left widowed. She was the kind of woman who was stern and professional, but extremely kind, nonetheless.

She was always finding ways to better the company and to help the community around us. Someone we all truly admired.

She took a small microphone that was given to her, and she steadied herself as she began to speak.

"As you all know, I love being your boss," she started as we all chuckled a bit.

"I see you all smiling and I'm happy for that.

Ever since I started this company years ago, I wanted to help people and make a change. I think we can all say we've been able to achieve that and still be a successful company."

She went on to say a longer speech that was thanking each different nonprofit who showed up today and I started zoning out... I couldn't help it. I should have been paying attention, but I had so much going on that my brain didn't want to shut up.

It was torture.

Just as my mind started to wander back to what I was thinking about earlier, I hear a sniffle come from the mic and our CEO says, " with all that I've done in my life, it is with sorrow and joy that I announce I am officially retiring."

Gasps. The whole lobby is completely shocked. I look at Monica who was a mimic of my own reflection. Open mouths, wide eyed, stunned.

What the hell just happened?

"I'm sure you all have noticed, I'm not what I used to be. I have aged and have come to terms with certain health issues I have to take care of. I can't run around these halls like when I was 35 and had 4 kids running out of my office like little Tasmanian devils. Those children are grown now and have helped me make my company what it is today. A company that has my soul, but technology of you youngsters ha ha." She smiles around the room at our stunned faces. "You can all come visit me whenever you'd like, I'm an old lady who loves having guests over for tea and pound cake. As for this company, since my children have royalties in place, and some have moved away from the city, they are not needed in the daily upkeep of this institution. I have a new Management team for you all and I'd like to introduce you all to your new leaders."

We were all bustling and chatting amongst ourselves. New leaders? Management? When did she hire new people? Surely, we would have been informed of this sooner?

This place was never going to be the same without her I thought.

From the back of the room, we hear bustling. A few people from different parts of the crowd started to make their way up to where our now former boss stood.

I could see a man in his late forties with salt and pepper hair get to the staircase first. He wore a burgundy shirt that clung to his stocky build and black pants that were ironed thoroughly. He waived to us all and smiled brightly. So brightly it reached his dark eyes.

Next was a woman who looked like she was in her late or mid-thirties. She had

Dirty Blonde hair in the shape of a long Bob. Her sharp grey eyes took in the room quickly and definitively. She looked stern and professional. She stood with her shoulders back. Thin frame covered with a Green Sweater and Grey Penciled Skirt with Grey heels. Not someone you wanted to cross.

There was this really young-looking guy who jumped up with a lot of energy. You could sort of tell he couldn't be so young by the way he dressed. A navy-blue suit that was fitted to his body like a glove. Only real money could get you bespoke clothing like that. And probably an expensive skincare routine as well. I'm actually kind of jealous. Why in the world did this man have more beautiful skin than half the women in this room? Ugh I kind of hate him already. He stood at attention and smiled and winked at some girls from the Accounting Department. Giggles ensued.

I was paying too much attention to him that I didn't realize someone else had come up next to the other people.

As I looked at the girl to the side, I got an eerie feeling. One of recognition.

I knew those toned legs. The gold anklet and those suede grey heels...

The shirt was new. I'd never seen it before.

As was the lavender pencil skirt that rose just above the knees. The light grey blouse complemented the shoes and the slim watch on her left-hand side.

But it was her.

Her sweet, reserved smile and shy wave.

It made my heart catch in my throat, and I almost stopped breathing.

How could this be. Everly?

Everly:

Standing there was so nerve wracking. Goodness. This was a bigger crowd than I expected if I was honest with myself. Whenever I get really nervous in front of crowds I kind of just pick a wall and stare above people's heads. That's what I did just now and I'm so grateful people seem to not notice.

I couldn't believe I was still in this city. I had taken 6 months to just shut myself off from the world and I almost made the decision to move again. As fate would have it, my best friend happened to invite me to dinner to get me out of my rental and while I waited for him at the restaurant, this lovely older woman started talking to me at the bar. She was elegant and had a glass of the house Sangria. Not something I would have imagined her to like. She was so personable as she spoke with me like a long-lost friend. She told me she went there often as it was her favorite spot to get a good Lobster Bisque and crab dip. Her late husband loved this place. She ordered me a Red Sangria as well (the bartender agreed it was a house favorite), and before I knew it, I became her friend. When my friend, Jack, finally showed up, I was two glasses in and sharing an appetizer with this lady. I asked her if she would like to join us. She accepted the offer and there we were, three unlikely friends talking about our lives on a faded blue booth, having a fantastic meal.

I told her about my last few months here and how I was thinking about moving back to my hometown to be closer to other family, namely my younger sister. She was listening intently, and before I realized what was being said, I had opened up and told her about my past relationship, and the timing of it. How my mother had passed and how I just could not get it together after her funeral.

It was surreal. I don't do that. I don't open up like that. I'm kind and sweet, but the last person aside from Jack that had gotten to the inner me, was my ex, and when everything happened with my mom, I left.

This woman seemed to understand all of my pain.

When I mentioned I had just quit my job, her expression changed. She got excited. She looked at me in the eyes with such warmth and asked me if I would like to work for her. Shocked, I told her she was extremely kind, but I could not accept her offer. I explained that I truly was really dealing with a lot, and it had taken everything in me to go out tonight. I told her I'd love to be her friend and meet again sometime before I leave.

She looked at me again, and as if staring into my soul said, "You aren't done here yet. I bet you haven't thought of where you will go yet, or another job. Give me a chance and let me help you. I may be a stranger, but we've become fast friends. I have lived an extraordinary life. But what I don't have around me, are my children anymore. They've moved away. You my dear, are one of the sweetest people I have come across. You willingly spoke with an elderly woman like me out of kindness and to be polite. You are a rare one. Besides, I'm retiring, so we can still be friends and you can take the position that I have in mind for you."

Shocked," But you don't even know my qualifications, or where I studied, or anything about my work history!".

Smiling, she says to me," Ah, but I know everything I need to know. You are kind, empathetic, soft spoken, well mannered, generous, honest and humble. You fit the last piece that was missing in my deck. You see, I already have an ambitious, meticulous, professional and organized person on the team who can audit like no one else. I also have someone with years of experience in my company's industry who can radiate joy and good morale. I have a younger technological savvy Picasso who has tons of connections. My last position seems to have been waiting on you. You see, every good business, needs to be evenly yoked. it may sound strange, but you all represent me in a different way. You will represent my heart. So,

call it fate, call it a coincidence, call it whatever you would like. You are hired. Send me your official resume so I can send to my HR department."

She exchanged numbers, emails, and paid our entire bill. Jack was beside himself, grinning like a mad man.

She hugged me goodbye and told me she would expect me to call her on Monday morning and meet her to discuss the role in depth.

I couldn't believe what just happened. After all the horrible things I had gone through, here I was with something to cling to in the middle of depression.

"Wow," Jack stated. He looked at the bill and looked at me.

"I need you to go out more often Everly! She just paid for everything, I knew you'd find a sugar mama!", He laughed.

"Stop it, you know that's not what that was! You are making me blush!", I scolded him.

I had known Jack from College. He was the one that convinced me to move out to the city a few years after college. We had stayed in touch, and with all of his grand talks about city life, he slowly made his point heard and I started thinking about what life would be like. He was your typical Extrovert who knew everyone. He was lovable and had big Golden Retriever Energy. Big Burly Irish Guy with Green eyes. He went out of state to go to school in my hometown where I was taking classes.

I was working at the library when he needed help finding a book. He tried asking me out, but that's when I confided in him that I was gay and wasn't interested. He was so funny about it. He looked at me sideways, put his hand on his chin as if he were contemplating something and stated loudly, " Damn, you are the hottest lesbian I've ever met, pleaseeeeee show me your wayssss!".

Needless to say, but I had to shush him immediately!

It was the weirdest but funniest reaction I've ever had with a man and so he basically adopted me as his best bud, and we've been inseparable ever since.

Where I was shy, he was boisterous and loud. Where I was more reserved, and soft spoken, he was open and opinionated. It worked great. The dynamic anyway. I helped him sometimes with girl stuff, but he knew what he was doing for the most part. Give him a Guiness or two and he knew how to talk to the ladies.

While he would give me shit about being a really shy lesbian sometimes, he was such a solid friend. With everything that had happened recently, I was also really grateful for him. He had been my rock.

My life turned upside down in December.

It pains me to even think about, so I had pushed everything away. I had lost so much in such a short amount of time.

My mom dying in that accident on her way to visit me right before Christmas, destroyed me. I was a shell of a human after that. I couldn't function. I was so fucking angry and distraught. So many What If's. So many times I convinced myself she would still be alive had I just went to pick her up myself.

So much Guilt.

Although it still hurt, I couldn't think about that right now.

I was in front of a crowd that was clapping, and some were starting to leave the lobby to go back to their offices and workspaces.

I looked at my new job and my new friend that had hired me two weeks ago. Crazy. She was a lifeline. I was just about to move, but she stopped me.

I didn't have a mom anymore. I didn't have a girlfriend anymore either. But I had this job that was so perfect, it was like it was made just for me. I don't want to screw this up when she's giving me this chance.

I take a minute to take a deep breath, and I scanned the lobby. I wanted to see people's faces so I could start trying to recognize them.

As one of the four, I was going to need to learn faces and names.

Slowly, I started heading down the steps to follow the other managers.

I could feel someone's gaze on me. That feeling, when someone is staring.

It was all so familiar.

When I glanced towards the left, my body froze.

I could feel the Anger rise in my chest, and I could feel my eyes start to brim with tears. Gritting my teeth, with my jaw tensing, I looked away as fast as I could.

I never thought I'd see you again.

I ignored your stares as I walked away. Seething. Anger, sadness, love, pain and every emotion mixed at once. Hundreds of memories I had pushed away came flooding in.