Rehearsals and performances pretty much ruled my life. My parents did, kind of force me to get a part-time job at a local grocery store, just to get me out of the house and give me something to do over the summer.
I looked forward to the rehearsals. It got me out with people... older women. Too bad I was such a loner in school.
The women in the violin section were always warm and friendly. At times maybe a little too friendly. Like on nights of performances, one would always be fussing about my hair or fixing my makeup. I never really wore a lot of makeup, but they would add a little here and a little there. I didn't think anything of it.
Then after one performance one of the other ladies from the woodwind section, asked if I wanted to stop for a glass of wine at a cozy little bar that was just down the street. I told her that I wasn't 21 yet. She just said, "Don't worry about it."
She was a nice lady who seemed quiet and just did her thing. Her name was Lorna and was probably 15 years, or so, older than I was.
I didn't know anything about her life outside the music center. I really hadn't made any close friends since my year with my college roommate, so I figured why not?
Lorna was pretty. She was a bit bigger than me, but not by a lot. She had long dark brown hair that when we were playing would be up in a tight bun that gave her an air of sophistication. She also had deep dark brown eyes. Eyes that you could get lost in. For someone in their mid to late 30s, she seemed pretty fit, unlike some of the middle-aged ladies in the symphony.
As we sat there, she shared.
She was single and living in an apartment about 15 minutes away. Her 'day job' was as an accountant with a local accounting firm. She was thinking of studying to get her CPA and then maybe starting her own business, but it always seemed like a lot of work and she knew that it would detract from her real passion of playing her violin.
I shared with her how I came to love the violin through my grandfather and how he had taught me at an early age. After sharing that little story, Lorna reached across the table, put her hand on mine, and just said that that was a beautiful story. Her touch kind of took me by surprise but I didn't back away from it. It kind of reminded me of Lisa's first touch on my back after I had fallen.... Warm and caring.
And so it became a regular thing. After every rehearsal and performance, we would share a couple of glasses of wine. She made me feel comfortable. I felt myself opening up. I guess I missed the connection to another woman, again it reminded me of Lisa only a bit different. I couldn't explain it.
The summer progressed. I started to look forward to getting together with Lorna. She was fun and very relaxing. I didn't have a clue why she was so interested in me. I mean I was pretty plain. Had no outside interests.
It was about three-quarters of the way through the summer. Lorna and I had been getting together for about four weeks. I was kind of surprised when during one get-together, she asked if I had plans for the coming Saturday night. I think I jokingly said with a grin, 'Let me check my schedule'. That got a warm smile.
So, that's what found myself knocking on the door to Lorna's apartment. When the door opened, Lorna took my breath away. Gone was the usual look of her hair up and just a hint of makeup. Her hair was down around her shoulders and shined like it had been brushed with a hundred strokes of a brush. Her makeup accentuated her dark brown eyes. And then there were her lips with a hint of gloss. Oh my.
Her apartment was cozy. You could definitely tell that a sophisticated woman lived here. I don't know what she was making for dinner, but it smelled wonderful... like something Italian.
Dinner was great. It was some sort of eggplant dish with a green salad, crusty bread, and a couple of glasses of red wine. I was never a wine drinker until I met Lorna. I could get used to this. I also knew that I'd have to be careful, as I still had to drive home. We chatted casually. She kept telling me how cute I was. I know that I must have blushed as I felt my face warm... or maybe it was the wine.
Still, the only other person who ever told me that I was cute was Lisa. And the thing was, with Lisa,I knew it came from her honest heart. Lorna was starting to give me vibes of something. Don't know what or how to describe it... it was just something there. I let it pass.
With dinner complete, we found ourselves sitting side by side on her sofa with a glass of some sort of a sweet dessert wine. It was good.
The conversation was becoming more personal... like what did I think about some of the 'violin ladies' getting a bit handsy and friendly at our practices? Did I ever have a boyfriend? High school Girlfriends? College? And then the one that kind of floored me and filled in the blank from a few moments ago.
"Alice, have you ever been with a woman?"
I think that the blood drained from my face, as I sat there with a dumb-founded expression.
Lorna could tell instantly that she had just made me extremely uncomfortable.
"I'm sorry Alice. I shouldn't have asked you that. It's none of my business. Please don't be upset with me. Again, I'm sorry."
I was quiet for a bit, trying to figure out what to say. I had never been in a situation like this. I mean with Lisa, things just kind of happened and there were heartfelt feelings shared between us. Here, there was a woman who was basically coming on to me, seducing me. What did I want to do? Yes, she's my friend, or so she's said. What if I just said that I wanted to leave? How could we face one another at our next practice? Would she still want to get together? I think the answer to that last question was an easy 'No'.
I was going back to school in a few weeks. I don't need this.
I was brought out of my thoughts with Lorna's soft and caring voice.
"Alice, are you OK?"
A deep cleansing breath. And with an exasperated voice.
"No, Lorna. I'm
not
OK. I'm confused. And right now, I'm scared. Scared that if I do the wrong thing that I will lose you as a friend. You're my only friend. I've only had one really close friend... she was my roommate last year. She was a beautiful girl... inside and out. She made me feel comfortable the moment that I met her. She helped me through the school year with my math and science. We became close. She was one of a kind. I told her many times that I had never met anyone like her... a free spirit. We loved each other as friends. But I don't think that I'll ever see her again."
I know that my voice cracked on those last few words.
Lorna stroked my hair and tucked a wayward strand behind my ear.
"Alice. It's good to have friends. Friends help us get through life. Again, I'm sorry if I made you feel uncomfortable. I just thought that we might have some sort of a connection. You always seemed to like our get-togethers for a glass of wine. That's why I invited you over. To maybe get to know each other a little bit more. But, I made you uncomfortable. I understand and apologize. Please, just don't ignore me at practice. Friends?"
I did smile, as I said, "Friends".
That night alone in my bed. My mind going a hundred miles an hour. I kind of knew what Lorna was going for. I wasn't totally naive to the ways of the world. Would it have been so bad to have just let her kiss me? Then what? I have to admit, Lisa kissing me on my lips and then my nipples was wonderful. Would Loran be satisfied with just that? Probably not. Then what? What did I want? What, or who, was I? Did I like other girls more than guys? I don't know. Well, that's not totally true. But not having much in the whole 'guy dating world' didn't give me much to draw upon.
All that I can say with some level of confidence was that the times with Lisa felt wonderful, genuine, and completely natural. Nothing was faked. Lisa was an unselfish, genuinely beautiful, and straightforward girl who always had my best interests at heart.
All I can say is that IF, and that's a big 'if'.... If I EVER wanted to be with a woman, it would be with someone who I felt loved me and not just some fling to lose my virginity for some fun and then be done with.
...................................................
My new school was much larger and busier. With a new roommate came the 'getting to know you again'. She was nice and we hit it off. She wasn't a 'Lisa' but, unfortunately, there's only one Lisa in the world.
The music department was indeed much better, and I received closer attention. Maybe because Maetro Skyler had written the dean about me, as he met me after one of my classes had ended. He told me about the letter and asked if I could come by his office later that week and play something for him.
I guess he wanted to hear for himself and not just go on another person's opinion. Although, he did know and highly respected Maestro Skyler.
I played my usual piece for him. And yes, it affected me as always.
As I finished, my eyes opened, and I brushed away the tears. He sat there with a warm smile.
"Maestro Skyler was correct on your talent, but he didn't mention your passion. Welcome to our department. I will personally find a place for you in the school's orchestra."
Time went on. Roommates, classes, performances, and yes more college girl friends. But none held a candle to Lisa. She would always be in my dreams.
The day finally came when I graduated with my bachelor's degree in music. My parents were so proud. The first in our family with a college degree.
Mr. Skyler was equally proud of my success and my greatly improved skills. He suggested that with my passion for music that perhaps I should go for my master's degree in music. I had no idea what I could do with such an advanced degree. He explained that there were many specializations in the field, depending on my interest. He felt like there might be two areas where I might find some interest: Performance and Composition.
He felt that the performance area would be excellent for enhancing my skills and composition where I could create original music specifically suited for the violin. And then with a wink, adding that he could most likely convince the donors at the music center to contribute to that effort.
In the end, I was done studying. I wanted to begin my career.
