I needed to be free from a false morality. I read a short story by a anonymous author. In the process of becoming a prisoner to myself, I was about to find freedom....at last.
*
I usually sleep naked. Last night, Julian got the message when I wore my panties to bed. "I have to go in early tomorrow anyway", he said before switching off the lamp.
I waited with dread to hear again of the stress he was under, preparing a case that was going to wind up in appeals court.
I said nothing. Julian said nothing as silent darkness enveloped all. He moved to his side, giving me his back. It struck me through that I did not care. I slowly drifted to sleep, all too aware of a simple truth- I loved my body, my job, my dog, and the memory of a plateau I desperately wanted to scale repeatedly.
I awoke the next morning to find a note on the pillow from Julian. "I still love you" it began. "I apologize for my tone last night. Hopefully, when I get home we can work through our differences and come to a mutually satisfactory understanding".
"Jesus", I said before wadding up the small piece of paper. I started to throw it, before a better idea came to me.
"You still love me", I said in a loud tone. "Hallelujah" I shouted, making my way to the bathroom.
"I am not one of your clients, Julian. I am not one of your cases."
I dropped his note in the toilet before lowering my panties to my ankles and seating myself. "Here is some mutually satisfactory understanding for you my love."
I got a perverse, early morning pleasure and a bit of levity as the pee flowed from me. I giggled at my own childishness. I was peeing on Julian's note.
On Fridays, I usually knocked off work at or shortly before lunchtime. This was my day to shop, think, remember, and dance if I damn well felt like it. Remembering that I had overslept and would not make it in until ten or after anyway, I let the hot water persuade me to blow off work altogether. Hannah, my friend and boss, would understand. She was aware of the fact that things had become somewhat strained between Julian and me.
I felt better after my shower. Today is my day, I thought. I will not think about the changes in Julian. After living together for nearly three years, I would not think of how he had changed. I would not think of how he now wanted marriage and children.
My mirrored image was partially surrounded by steam as I retrieved my toothbrush. I began to tingle. I closed my eyes, brushing my teeth rapidly as I wondered if I would ever get that story out of my mind. I moaned as I let the towel fall from my body.
With my eyes closed, I set the toothbrush on the counter. I allowed my lids to part then, taking in the sight of myself. White toothpaste ran from the corners of my mouth. How disgusting, how stupid I thought realizing that this, along with my wet pussy and hard nipples reminded me of that night. Yet, one glimpse at my body, one touch to my clit was all it took.
I rinsed the toothpaste away quickly, eager to touch myself, eager to taste my orgasm.
I recalled the story of his last orgasm then. I smiled, remembering how she had left the tight, wet jeans on her body, trapping his cum where she wanted it.
Wet still, and with my own taste weighing on my senses, I moved quickly to retrieve a pair of panties from the dresser drawer. My eyes closed. I was anxious for the ensuing stimulation as the silk touched the lips of my vagina. I have no idea why I retrieved one of Julian's dress shirts. Call it revenge. Call it Geneva being a bitch. It was as sophomoric as having peed on his note, but I needed to do it- I needed to wear his shirt.
With my hair and my pussy still wet, I moved arrogantly to the den. The book, a biography of Ayn Rand, was on the sofa where I had left it the night before. I sat down, took the book in my left hand, and then used the remote to switch on some music. "Twist in my Sobriety" was just beginning. Yet again, I was reminded of that night. Yet again, my body began to tingle as I set the book down and touched my breast beneath the open shirt.
My dog Merrick slogged his way sleepily into the room then. I moved to the floor to sit by my black lab as he licked my face. I laughed.
"You are the only man I have ever loved", I said. "You are my best friend, the only one who knows all my secrets."
I sat deeply in thought as Merrick rolled over. I rubbed his belly as Tanita Tikaram crooned. I found myself moments later as Ayn Rand stared at me from a book cover and "Smooth Operator" replaced the previous song.
My dog was aroused. I diminished my apprehensions as my hand moved, slowly at first, then more rapidly and with more determination. I stared across the room, a sense of anger welling up in me as I thought of the bullshit- a societal imposed, hypocritical, so-called morality. I hated it more as I thought of Julian going back on our agreement and trying to impose such upon me.
Moments later, a feeling of guilty levity came over me as Merrick whimpered. My eyes closed and I bit my bottom lip as his cum went everywhere. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry as I saw the embarrassment in my baby's eyes. He was not ready to forgive and forget- particularly after I laughed.
It was early afternoon as I moved from shop window to shop window. I smiled at my reflection in the glass, happily remembering that the following day was the monthly meeting of my psychology discussion group silently, I wondered why a discussion of philosophy was referred to as a "psychology group". I didn't really care. I just laughed, remembering that the following day we were to discuss narcissism.
A few hours later, with bags full of things I didn't need, and a few I didn't even want, I strolled leisurely to the V.O. Club, a quaint little place owned by a couple I had befriended over the years. Doug was a great guy. His wife, April, was now something of a soul mate to me. She had that rare combination of inner and outer beauty. She was a simple person who I knew possessed the intellect to be anything she wanted to be. Yet she seemed content to be Doug's wife and help run their small business.
I entered the club and set the bags down beside a bar chair. The lunch crowd was gone. A lone patron sat at the far end of the bar, seemingly staring into a void. A sweaty drink was in front of him and a cigarette burned in the ashtray slightly to his right. He was handsome but haggard. His black hair was salted gray, but he did not appear to be old.
"Where is April?" I called to him.
"She'll be right back."
"Are you okay?"
His eyes met me then. Even from the distance, I could tell that they were the deepest blue.
"Never batter", he said gruffly.
"Is that why your clothes look like they just came out of the dryer? I that why you appear so thoughtful?"
"Do I know you?"
I shrugged. "Don't think so. But your hair is pretty and I love your eyes."
He stared at me before taking a sip of his drink, and then raised the glass silently.
April appeared then. She moved quickly around the bar to give me a hug. As usual, I was struck with her goofy smile, her high energy, and the perky look of her breasts, hidden beneath a blue golf shirt and a bra. We both giggled as our lips smacked.
"Where the hell have you been?" she asked with silly determination.
A sigh accompanied my smile. "I have been busy, working and fighting with Julian."
"Oh no" she responded. "What happened?"
"He wants babies and is pondering the idea of marriage."
April laughed. "With you? Is he on crack?"
"Hey!"
She laughed again. "You know what I mean."
"Who is that guy at the other end of the bar?"
April sat down beside me. "His name is Milan", she whispered.
"What is his story?'
"He is bored I think."
"Why?"
"He has more money than the governments of a shit load of countries combined. He's done it all and seen it all."
"No one has done and seen it all."
"Wanna' bet?"
"How old is he?"
"Milam", she called loudly. "Geneva wants to know how old you are."
My head went down and I felt my face blush. "April!" I said.
Milam did not respond.
