Wheels in Motion

*** This series was awarded the

Most Literary/Genre Transcending

award in the

2020 Reader's Choice Awards

. Thank you to all my readers and all who voted. ***

Hello friend. Welcome to Chapter Three of my Wheels In Motion series.

If you haven't read Chapters One and Two, oh boy, are you going to be lost from the get-go. I mean, why would you want to do that to yourself? Go on, practice some self-care and catch up on the story. I'll be here when you get done.

Special Thanks to my beta-readers, ArmyGal33 and Salandar, and my amazing editor, AwkwardMD. You'd be reading a lesser work without their efforts.

~~ Arlington, Virginia, April ~~

LIZ

"I have to go. Goodbye Liz."

I wanted to say something to keep her there, to keep my friend talking to me, but Addison interrupted me by leaning down and gently taking my face in her hands. Then, before I realized what she was doing, she was kissing me on the lips.

I hadn't been kissed by anyone in over a year, and I'd never been kissed by a woman. I didn't know how to react. In the first place, I'd had about two seconds to come to grips with Addison professing her feelings for me, feelings that were decidedly

not

what I thought our relationship had been based on. Secondly, the moment her lips touched mine, my mind went blank. The few times in my life I'd contemplated the idea of kissing a woman, I'd always assumed that it would be a nothing event for me, like kissing a sister or something.

It was not nothing.

As her lips touched mine, I felt a shock go through me; a little

zing!

Like the first time you kissed a cute boy in junior high, or when you'd been dating a new someone for a while but had been holding off, waiting to make the first kiss that much better.

I opened my eyes and she held my face for a brief moment, unwilling to let me look away. Then she stepped around me and ran down the escalator into the Metro.

"Addison, wait!" I yelled after her.

I turned my chair towards the elevator down into the Metro station and saw a prominent "Out of Service" sign hanging on the doors. I cursed, then turned back to the steps.

"Addison, come back!" I used my 'command voice', something I'd learned from Jo that I'd employed during emergencies in the back of a thundering Blackhawk. It echoed back at me from the stairwell. "Addison!

Addison!

Goddammit Addison, get back here! You can't just run away after dropping that on me!"

When I heard the sound of the Metro train moving out of the station, I knew she was gone.

~~ Tenleytown, Washington DC ~~

ADDISON

I'd managed to stop crying by the time I got to Metro Center and had to change trains to the Red Line. Two different people asked me if I was okay. Six stops later I was in Tenleytown, and walked the last five blocks from the Metro to my apartment building. As soon as I'd come up above ground my phone lit up. A voicemail from Liz plus a slew of text messages. I didn't read any of them before deleting them.

Opening the door to my darkened second floor walk-up, I chose not to turn on the lights and instead sat on my couch, clutching a throw pillow to my stomach and staring at the patterns the street lights outside threw across my tiny living room and kitchen. I'd never felt so empty.

I'd done the right thing. Had I done the right thing? I'd fallen in love with Liz, with a straight woman. Had I fallen in love? I couldn't really say that I'd ever really been in love before. Would I know if I was in love? Could it have been just a stupid crush I could have gotten over if I'd kept my mouth shut?

There I was, all of twenty-nine years old, and still wasn't even sure if I'd

ever

been in love. I knew I was gay--there was no doubt of that--but since coming out in college I'd gone through a string of relationships with none lasting more than a year. I'd dated several women of whom I'd thought, "This is someone I could date for a while." I'm not certain I'd ever had the reflexive thought, "I could spend the rest of my life growing old with this woman."

I closed my eyes and let myself picture it. Growing old with Liz. Sharing an apartment with her, planning vacations to faraway places together, cooking dinner for her when she got off work at the hospital and came home to me, trying to tease her in the morning while we got ready for work, her always getting the best of me no matter how hard I tried, having kids...

The last thought brought me up short. I'd always been deeply ambivalent about having kids. I was pretty sure that I didn't want to have one myself, and I was unsure about the idea of having a partner who wanted kids. But Liz had spoken about it on several occasions. While babysitting Kat and Megan's daughter, she'd said she wanted a kid as great as Caitlyn. After we'd spoken to Jo and Jill about their new baby, Liz had gone on and on about how she couldn't wait to babysit for them to get some snuggle time with little Eric.

I pictured myself sitting on the side of a hospital bed, stroking Liz's arm while she held our newborn in her arms, a look of tired accomplishment on her face, and felt a smile on my own face for the first time since I'd run out of the bar. The realization made the smile vanish in a heartbeat, replaced by more tears.

It wasn't a question; I had definitely fallen in love with Liz.

Which presented me with a whole different question. Why had I let myself? I knew goddamn well she was straight. I'd already felt the hurt from that first night when she'd told me, almost as if embarrassed, like she needed to apologize to me for not being gay.

I kept thinking back to my other relationships, ones I'd sabotaged in one way or another. Why did I let myself fall in love, maybe for the first time, with someone whom I absolutely knew nothing would ever happen?

I sighed loudly into my empty apartment. "You're a fucking coward, Addie, that's why," I said into the silence, "Falling in love with someone who's never going to be available is the safe way to npt have to deal with something serious."

I went into my kitchen and opened a rarely used cabinet to find the black cylinder of the Hendrick's Gin bottle by feel in the dark. Then I reached into the next cabinet, pulled out a drinking glass, and filled it halfway without bothering to mix it with vermouth, or even ice. I took a large gulp and hissed at the sting in my throat, then walked back to the sofa and picked up my phone. Six more new texts. I unlocked my phone, went into my messaging app and swiped Liz's texts into the trash without reading them as tears ran down my cheeks and dripped off my chin. I walked into the bathroom and turned on the light, blinking at the harsh brightness until my eyes stopped protesting.

I mis-clicked when I tried to back out of the messenger app, and opened the contacts list on my phone. Liz was at the top of my favorites. I noticed Viv's name, three spots down, below Amber and my parents.

Viv. Christ.

My little epiphany tonight put

that

relationship in a new light as well. I realized I needed to tell Viv about this. I owed her that much. I didn't want to use her, and she deserved to hear it from me, in person, why she probably shouldn't see me anymore. It crushed me a little to know that I was probably going to hurt her by telling her the truth, that I couldn't return any feelings she had for me since I was heartbroken over a straight woman. It wouldn't be fair to her. Wouldn't be fair to date anyone, not until I was over Liz. And that, I thought, might take a while.

My phone buzzed in my hand and I saw another text notification from Liz. I stared at it while taking another swallow from my glass. I already ached, missing her. I opened Liz's contact page and scrolled down. My thumb hovered over the 'block this caller' button for a long time. I looked up, staring at myself in the mirror for a moment, then looked back down and pressed the button. The text banner at the top of the screen immediately vanished.

I set the phone and my glass down next to the sink, and leaned on the counter with both hands, regarding my reflection.

"It's time to make some changes, Addie," I said to the mirror. "You need to figure out what the fuck you're doing with your life."

I didn't know what exactly I needed to do, just that I needed to change. I'd let myself go down a very unhealthy road. I stood up and flicked my dreadlocks back off my shoulder, then frowned at myself.

"If you're going to make changes, no time like the present, girl."

I knelt down, opened the cabinet door under my sink and started rummaging around to see if I had what I needed.

~~ George Washington Hospital, Washington DC ~~

LIZ

It was busier than normal for a Wednesday. I'd been playing catch-up for a couple hours and was looking forward to getting a moment for a shot of caffeine to recharge. I was sitting at the computer at the nurse's station trying to quickly finish typing in my patient notes when I caught a flash of royal blue out of that corner of my eye and looked up to see Jo, walking down the hallway towards me wearing her flight suit with the Virginia State Life-Flight patch on the shoulder.

"S'up Liz?" she asked, slapping me on the shoulder.

"Oh hey, how's it going? Did you bring in that MVA just now? Dr. Rivers is working that case in One if you want to check on it." While Jo worked for the state of Virginia, she occasionally flew patients to GW or other DC hospitals, based on proximity of the accident or the available capacity of the various ERs in the area.

"Nah, it's cool. My flight medics said they didn't think the vic was likely to kick off once we got her here. A ton of broken bones, pretty good concussion and maybe a mild pneumothorax, but she should make it. This lady was screaming loud enough for me to hear her in the pilot's seat through my headphones and over the rotors. You know better than me; if it's really dire, they're not making any noise. I actually wanted to check on a guy I flew in from that pile-up on the GW Parkway up near Potomac on Sunday. I wasn't sure if he was going to make it."

"Oh, gotcha. Know his name?" I pulled the keyboard back to me and started tapping at keys.

"John Smith, if you can believe it. I know that isn't very helpful but it's all I got. We came in on Sunday around two-thirty in the afternoon."

"That helps enough. Smith... Smith... here we go. Looks like he was admitted, so he made it. They moved him out of the ICU into room 426 this morning if you want to go upstairs and check on him."

"Nah, I just wanted to see if he was alive. We had to shock him twice on the flight over. I'll tell the crew he lived, they'll be happy to hear it. You got time to hit Starbucks with me? I told everyone I'd hook 'em up with go-juice before we dusted off."

I looked down the hall and saw Kat walking towards us with an armful of charts. "Hey Kat, do I have time for a ten-minute break?"

She looked through the charts in her hands. "Let's see... nope, nope, nope... nothing dire. Go ahead and I'll text you if we need you back."

"I'll bring you a mocha," I said with a smile.

"See, stuff like that is why we're always willing to cover for you. Nice to see you, Jo," she said, nodding at her and continuing down the hall.

"You too," Jo called after her, and then we headed towards the Starbucks in front of the hospital next to the Foggy Bottom metro station. "So, what happened Saturday? I never saw you again. You guys left before the break?

"We... yeah, we left." At least fifty feet of hallway passed beneath my wheels before I continued. "Addison had a personal thing and had to go home."

"She did, huh? So, you guys bailed out together?"

"Yeah, I decided since she needed to go I'd ride the Metro home with her. Called it an early night since I had a twenty-four hour shift the next day."

"Okay, well we're going to play again in three weeks. Some festival out in Reston if you guys can make it. I'll text you the deets." Jo hesitated. "She, uh, she seems pretty cool. How long have you known her?"

"A couple of months. I don't know if she'll come again. No offense, but I think you guys are more my jam than hers."

"What?! How dare she!" she said. I gave her the side-eye and she chuckled. "I'm not offended. We're not for everyone. No band is, and the ones who try to be usually just end up sucking."

There was a mercifully short line at the Starbucks. Normally, that time of the afternoon, I'd expect to have to queue up behind a hoard of hospital staff, students and state department people, but apparently that was our lucky day.

Jo ordered four different drinks, reading off a little scrap of paper she pulled out of her breast pocket, including her usual gigantic black iced coffee with extra sweetener. I added a mocha for Kat and my usual, a venti flat white with two extra shots, then paid for everything with the Starbucks app on my watch before Jo could offer her card to the barista.

"Thanks. You didn't have to buy coffee for my whole crew."

"Didn't do it out of altruism. I'm gonna make you carry Kat's mocha because I only have the one spot," I said, gesturing to the cup holder attached to the side of my chair.

They gave us our drinks. Jo put her four in a drink carrier, then took a Sharpie out of one of the pen holders sewn into the sleeve of her flight suit and jotted down initials on the lid of each cup. Then she picked up the drink carrier in one hand and the cup for Kat in her other as we headed back.

"You're limping," I said. "You break that thing again?" I nodded down at her leg. When we'd been shot down together in Afghanistan, she'd caught a high caliber round through her ankle and had lost her left leg from the calf down. She had a prosthetic foot, though it wasn't noticeable to the casual observer.

"No, I probably just jumped on it too many times at the show Saturday. I need to take it back to Reed for an adjustment. Fortunately, I already have an appointment next week. Also, I was up pacing with Eric for three hours last night trying to get him back to sleep. The poor kid has a tooth coming in."

"Already? Sheesh, the kid's an early bloomer, isn't he?"

"Yeah he--"

Jo was interrupted by her phone just as we got back to the E.R. "Shit, here take this." She handed me Kat's mocha and pulled her phone out of her thigh pocket, juggling her drink carrier and holding the phone up to her ear. "Go. ... Ok, I'll be there in sixty seconds. Get her spun up." She put the phone back in her pocket. "I gotta run, crash on Richmond Highway down by Alexandria. We're up."

"Okay, Chief. Tell Jill I said 'hi' and give Eric a snuggle for me."

"You got it. Tell Addison I enjoyed seeing her again! We should get together outside of a show sometime."

"Right," I whispered to myself, as Jo took off. "Tell Addison." After a moment I shook my head and headed into the E.R. I wedged the mocha in between my legs to hold it, and as I rolled up to the nurse's station I handed it to Kat.

Angel saw it and protested, "Hey where's mine?"

"Sorry, dude. Kat covered for me this time. I'll make sure you get a chance to cover next time."

Dr. Andrews walked up to the desk to put a chart in the discharge rack, and we exchanged a nod of greeting.

"Right," Angel said with a grin, "and I'll make sure you get the next 'foreign object stuck in an anus' case."

"What else is new? I always end up with the shitty cases," I retorted.

Kat did a spit take, nearly choking on her coffee. "Jesus, Liz! Warn a girl before you drop a stinker like that!"

I grinned at her. "I just said it so Angel wouldn't feel like an ass for not getting a coffee."

"We've suddenly gone down a dark hole," Angel said, laughing.

"This conversation has gone in the toilet and smells from end-to-end," Dr. Andrews chimed in, without even cracking a smile. "I'm leaving before I become the butt of a joke, and I'm taking this gastroenteritis case to wipe the stain off me." He pulled a chart out of the rack and headed off towards Exam Four. There was a moment of stunned silence, then Kat, Angel, and I dissolved into howling laughter.

"I will say, Liz, you've done a hell of a job whipping Jimmy into shape," Kat said, wiping a tear away from the corner of her eye.

"Yeah, he's coming along nicely." I took a long drink of my coffee and set the cup back in the holder on my chair, then took a chart out of the intake rack and scanned the notes. "Uh, hey guys, this will sound weird but if we get any domestic violence cases today, can you pull them for me?"

"Really? You hate those," Kat said.

"I know, just... please, if you don't mind? Send them my way today if we get any."

"Yeah, no problem," said Angel. I saw them exchange a look as I turned my chair and headed down the hall to get back to work.

~~ Adams Morgan, Washington DC ~~

ADDISON

Looking over the ledge of the rooftop deck of the Roofer's Union, I could see all of Eighteenth Street in Adams Morgan stretched out three floors below me. I was lost in thought as I waited for Viv to meet me. I wasn't looking forward to this conversation.

I'd spent the last week re-examining what I wanted out of life, where I wanted to be, and more importantly, how I'd gotten to this place I was in. While considering ways I might get a fresh start I'd briefly considered quitting my job and moving back to Wisconsin, but had discarded that idea as too extreme. I was doing good work at Lampedo, and I wasn't ready to give that up yet. Besides, if I was going to make that move, I felt I should put in more than just a week's thought about it.

Instead, I'd just asked for some personal time off. I spent the week either playing hermit in my apartment or walking around by myself in different areas of DC, enjoying the spring weather and appreciating all the neighborhoods and sights I knew I'd miss desperately if I gave in to the urge to run home.

My brain was still spinning its wheels in the sand when my eyes suddenly alighted on a familiar form strolling down the street. Viv was wearing a sleeveless shirt with no jacket in the warm afternoon sun. I guessed that was her preferred look when the weather allowed, to show off the full sleeve of tattoos on her right arm. I smiled at the thought. At first, I'd found it a little off-putting. I wasn't one for a lot of tattoos, but hers had grown on me the two times I'd seen her.

I'd suggested meeting in the middle of the day, hoping that there would be fewer people in the bar. I'd been mostly successful in my goal, as the rooftop bar was sparsely filled. I picked up my phone and texted her.

(

Addison) Hey girl, I see you.

I set my phone down and looked out at the street again. She paused and pulled out her phone, looking at the screen. Then she looked up, shielding her eyes from the sun with one hand. I waved and after a moment I saw her pick me out, wave back, and then resume walking towards me while tapping at her screen. My stomach turned flips while I waited. My phone buzzed and I looked at the screen.

(Viv) Nice to be seen! Be there in five.

She appeared on the rooftop a few minutes later and I watched her scan the patio, her face clouding over with confusion. I waved again to get her attention. I saw her give a little shake, as if something had startled her, then she walked over, saying, "Holy crap, Addison, I didn't recognize you at all! What did you do?" She ran a hand though my hair before kissing me then sitting down across from me. I ran my hand through my hair as well.

"I just decided it was time for a change, that's all."

The night I'd left Liz at the top of the escalator, I hadn't had what I'd needed under my sink, and had ended up running out to the twenty-four-hour CVS in my neighborhood. It had taken an entire bottle of conditioner, and two hours in the shower, to comb out all my dreadlocks. I'd had to cut off about half their length too, but now my hair was back to its natural state; fine and straight. It better showed my Scandinavian heritage, the blonde almost white now that it was loose for the first time since before law school. I hadn't needed a salon since I'd moved to DC, so I'd picked one at random off Yelp and gotten my first haircut in five years, shortening my hair to just above my shoulders. I'd briefly considered going for a bob cut with a length near my chin, but had decided that was too much too soon.