What surprised me throughout the later part of this whole lesbian experience, is the more I went out, the more I met new people through the groups I was hanging with, and the more connections I made, the more I found women who were just like me. Women who were secretly yearning for something different. Call them closet lesbians, or at least closet lustful women wanting to experience lesbian sex, either way, they were women who wanted something different. Some of whom I would have never suspected. Maybe it was the changing of the times or lifestyle. Perhaps the old ways of thinking about relationships, marriage, and life were changing. Possibly mankind's development with our TV shows, movies, and the LGTB+ community had influenced us more than we imagined, or maybe, it was just letting go of fears and norms and wanting to try something else.
I had one new friend who drunkenly told me since her divorce, all she did was fantasize about women. That she longed to eat pussy and have her pussy eaten by a woman. Even closer to home, one dear friend I grew up with, who had divorced for the third time, said to me while we were on the phone; "I am never dating a man again. From here on it's all women." The conversation surprised me. I never even knew she felt that way. I wanted to ask if she had been with women, but she was so high-strung and rambling, that during our conversation, I never got the chance to ask.
My advice to her and all of my new friends, who have confided secrets to me, is to follow what their hearts and physical wants tell them to. I had done it. I had slept with Mary for a while and now things were becoming even more interesting with Jane, so I surely couldn't be the nay-sayer and pretend I didn't agree or understand.
I do not doubt that if I hadn't met Mary, developed feelings for her, and entered into that physical relationship with her, albeit temporarily, I would still be longing for that experience. I wouldn't have taken a chance to be with Jane. Maybe I never would have taken the chance with anyone. So, my words of wisdom to anyone who has confided in me is to find what you need. Especially in this day and age with apps, dating sites, and all the friendly bars and clubs. Just do what makes you happy. I know it's easy for me to say, "Just do it," when you have no one you know to do it with; or would have to take the chance to meet someone. But my experience shows, that once you meet someone and the situation could develop, it's all worth it.
We all fight battles, and we all - at times - yearn for something different. I believe it's the courage we gather up and the steps we take, that define what we get, and how we get it. How we choose to live our lives. And for me, my focus was on Jane.
I wanted Jane. I always had. She's what started me on this journey. She's the one I had fantasized about. It was her that made me want to feel another woman's pussy in my hand. To eat another woman out. To have her reciprocate and do it to me. It was watching that porn one late night, with an actress that looked like her, that led me to deeper desires and wants. It was Mary who came first, as surprising as it was. But now I was slowly moving forward with Jane. I believed Jane wanted to go further, and at least try. But just like so many who were raised the way I was; like Mary was, Jane was fighting internal battles against the norms of society, to experience lesbian sex, or to be dating someone of the same sex.
As I mentioned in my previous stories, and even some of my readers commented on it, I still never felt like I was a lesbian. As much as I hated men, and as bitter and heart-wrenching as my divorce was, I did still long for men. As time went on, not all of my sexual thoughts and late-night solo activities, revolved around women. I had thoughts of men too. It's inherited, especially from someone who only dated men, married, and had children. For whatever reason, I just seemed to gravitate more towards women the last couple of years. And I had fun with it, had fun with Mary, and now my focus was on Jane.
After the garage make-out session, the conversations with Jane and I deepened. She continued asking me a host of very deep, intimate, and sexual questions about my time with Mary. What it felt like? How it made me feel after? What would have happened if Mary and I had continued? How different it felt making love to a woman, versus a man? Jane confided in me, some of her desires, her wants, and her needs. Albeit, some were very vague and without deep definitions, I knew where she was heading. Even if I was just an experiment or, "I want to try this experience," I was determined to be the one, she longed for.
One night, I boldly asked her if I could send her a rather risqué photo of myself and she agreed. I don't know her reaction because I wasn't there, but she got a naked picture from me. I sent her a full-view photo looking down across my chest, across my shaved pussy, with my legs spread slightly open, captioned, "This is how I want to be next to you."
I'm sure it blew her mind, but I wanted her to see what she would be getting if we continued further sexually. And I wanted to tantalize her thoughts even more about having sex with women and sex with me. She replied with a, "WOW." I didn't get a picture back, but I have no doubt, she went to bed thinking of that picture and thinking of me.
About two and a half weeks after that parking garage episode, Jane texted me and asked me if I had any plans over the weekend, to which I said no. She inquired whether or not I had the kids and if I'd like to do something. I was pretty broke and did not have the desire to be out at a crowded restaurant, or some bar, so I told her she was more than welcome to come hang by me and we could get dinner here or order in, but I had no desire to be out. She liked the idea and wrote she would come by Saturday night at about 7.
Saturday night arrived and she showed up wearing a nice pair of blue jeans, a loose-fitting T-shirt, short bobby socks, and light white gym shoes. She leaned in to hug me, and she kissed me on the cheek. Minutes later the Chinese food I ordered arrived. We sat and ate and enjoyed our food, our time together, and a pitcher of Sangria I made.
We sat on my couch for a while talking afterward and I could tell she felt more comfortable around me and in this situation. I didn't know if anything would happen, or how far it would go, even if it did. I was just happy she was there and we were together. I could see in the late hours of sunset, that Jane was getting old. And I do not mean that disrespectfully, but the sunset coming through my window highlighted her wrinkles, and her natural skin tone because she wasn't plastered in make-up. She looked tired, and she looked beaten. This was the most I had seen her dressed down, with very little make-up, very little effort in dressing fashionable, and almost human. Versus the goddess, I had always known her to be.
As the night got later nothing had happened between us, I was rather disappointed. I'll be the first to admit, that I wasn't pushing hard for something to happen. I did try to hint and hold her hand a few times, but in the end, there was no holding hands, no cuddling up watching a movie, and no indications of any form of physical contact. No sexual questions, just the two of us sitting talking, and enjoying the night. I didn't have an issue with it I guess, I was just surprised nothing had happened since all we had talked about for the better part of two weeks was lesbian sex, my thoughts, my fears, my feelings, my desires, and my experiences with Mary. As it got close to 10:00 P.M., I felt like the chance had slipped away. I knew it wouldn't be too long until Jane, excused herself to make her way home.
Jane stood next to me in the kitchen, while I was putting the remainder of our food away and washing out the pitcher, I had made the Sangria in. Just as I turned away from the sink and started drying my hands on my dish towel, Jane came face to face with me, leaned in, and placed a soft long closed-lip kiss on my lips. I was taken aback by her move because all night she had not given me any indication she was interested in physical contact.
"What was that for?" I asked
"I have wanted to do that all night." She replied. "I just didn't have the courage." She furthered.
