We Kept Our Panties On

I met Jesse at a mutual friend's summer garden party. Moira was by some margin the poshest person I knew. As rich as god from family inheritances, she was married to a successful lawyer and was by some margin the social queen of the area where I lived.

The party was arranged to coincide with the last day of the British Open golf tournament; Moira and most of her friends were, naturally big into golf and stalwarts of the local club. It was a lovely warm, July Sunday so most there were dressed casually in shorts or thin, flowing skirts - the men looked good too.

"Chrissy, meet Jesse, Jesse Beck," Moira said in her posh voice. "Jesse this is my good friend, Christine Hunt, or Chrissy as she prefer to be called."

We pecked each other on the cheek and said our hellos as Moira wafted off to bond other people together.

We got on well. Jesse was easy to talk to; she smiled a lot, showed an interest in me and was open and friendly. I found her very easy to like. As it happens, I found her very easy to look at as well. Not putting too fine a point on it she was drop dead gorgeous.

She was about the same height as me, five feet five in stockinged feet, although I had not worn them for some time as I was no longer on the pull being in the 'relationship' with my actuary from Docklands and, therefore not a player any more, well at least not at the moment. She had lustrous, deep brown, chestnut I guess you could call it, hair that like I did, she wore down and in a fashion that some might say was a little too youthful for our advancing years. It tumbled onto her shoulders, with long, thick strands hanging down her back and some falling down her chest.

Also like me, she was dressed casually in a thin, sundress, which was perfectly suited for the occasion and the sunny weather. Hers was white with some pale blue flowery motives. It was tight above the waist, but was loose and flowed beneath her waist. It had thin spaghetti straps and was rather dangerously low cut for the obvious full breasts that it, just about, covered. Mine was more demure; being higher necked, but was tighter across my bum and round my hips.

As we chatted, sipped Pymms and ate the fashionable hog roast, we found several acquaintances other than Moira in common and learned that both of us were having golf lessons from the same dishy pro at the club we planned to join when we were good enough

"Now look darlings," Moira boomed coming up behind us and grabbing our arms. "The two best looking and most gorgeous ladies here and you are chatting together and not mingling. It's just good enough," she went on almost dragging across the large lawn towards a small marquee where a jazz band was playing. Stopping outside and putting her arms round our shoulders she made me cringe with embarrassment when she announced to a group of eight or nine guys and a couple of women.

"Chrissy and Jesse are two of my dearest friends and both are single and available."

Having made us feel rather silly, she buggered off to chat to the couple of hundred very close friends.

I did not stay much longer and escaped home to yet another evening of watching House of Cards on Netflix.

We met again, quite fortuitously at the golf club at a group lesson and then saw each other a couple of times each week at various lessons and club functions. We were becoming good friends and that was useful because making them is difficult when you are a divorced woman with a modicum of good looks and a figure to go with them.

"Why the fuck does it have to be the wives whose careers stop," Jesse said one afternoon as we chatted over a bottle of white wine. "I'm sure I would have had a string of shops by now and we would have been living in Hampstead instead of bloody Muswell Hill if Rob had looked after the kids instead of working for Shell."

Jesse owned a small cookery and equipment shop that she had built up when married to Rob and had kept as part of their settlement.

I had agreed, for in my time I had been quite a high flier in marketing and had been told that I would have soared up the industry ladder, but for having to take two career breaks as the children grew up and my husband's job took over.

"This sounds awful," Jesse said after taking a sip of wine. "Of course I love the kids to bits, but I sometimes wish I had never got married."

I agreed. "But it seemed a good idea at the time didn't it?

Sitting in the kitchen of the Jesse' four bedroomed, nineteen eighties built, slum of the future house, we were silent for a while as we both contemplated the 'what ifs' involved if we had not married when we had.

At Moira's suggestion, we had joined her tennis club. "We have a very active social side where you might meet someone and some of the young tennis guys are to die for. Interested in a toyboy?"

We had been to the tennis club's, ladies, Thursday morning and I had given Jesse a lift home for her car was being serviced.

"Come in and have a drink," she had suggested as we pulled up outside her house.

I was about to refuse for I had a stack of housework and ironing to get on with as both kids had been with their father for the weekend. However, something pushed me to accept and I did enjoy her company. Mentally saying 'stuff the housework', I accepted the invitation.

We were sitting opposite each other across a scrubbed pine table in her kitchen.

"As I get older and see those two scary numbers, five and nought looming I often wonder where my life has gone and where it's going now," Jesse said.

"I couldn't agree more, I sometimes wish I could just run away and start again, but then of course there's the kids so It's impossible" I replied as she sipped her wine.

"I am beginning to think marriage is over-rated."

"I'm convinced of that."

"Just as men are."

"What over-rated?"

"In many ways yes."

"As partners perhaps?"

"Precisely, and as lovers too after a while."

We both laughed.

"And certainly committing yourself to just one is."

"Absolutely."

"I often think," I said, wondering just where the conversation was going, but enjoying the chat with her. "That it might have helped my marriage had I have been able to go with other men without guilt."

"What and have sex with them?" She asked, looking me right in the eye as she filled our glasses.

"Not necessarily, just be with them, have them as friends. It would be good perhaps just to go on dates, talk, maybe flirt and if that leads to sex so be it."

"We have some Danish friends and they are like that. It works for them," Jesse said.

"Do they have an open marriage?"

"Yes sort of, for they both see other people, with the other's approval."

"Mmmm sounds interesting. It's not the sex that appeals to me."

"No, really?" Jesse said smiling.

"Well not by itself," I smiled back.

"Didn't you ever feel that you would like to try someone different, check out if the grass is greener?"

"Well yes of course, now and then," I lied for it was a topic that had been continually on my mind, during the latter stages, say three years or so of my marriage.

"Whilst I loved Rob at the time, the idea that I might never kiss, be held or have sex with anyone else sort of frightened me at times."

"Well you could have had an affair."

"True, but that would be awful, the lying and the excuses, the feelings of guilt and remorse. I am not sure the pleasure would have been worth the pain."

I smiled. "You seem to know a lot about it, did you?"

Averting her eyes mine, Jesse before saying quietly. "Well let's say I dallied."

"Well that's a new way to me of describing it."

We both laughed. "So did you?"

"What dallied?" I asked?

"Yes.

"Well I did have my moments, but more after the divorce when I had a rather mad period."

"Yes I did too; at one time I thought I might fuck every man in North London.

"Well those I didn't fuck," I giggled.

Thursday's became our day together. Totally coincidentally it was the day in the week when our respective exes had the children, sometimes just for the evening, but now and then overnight. We would play tennis and either, have lunch or drop by one of our homes and chat.

Slowly our discussions became more open and frank, more personal I guess and, I suppose more intimate. I felt able to tell her anything and we had far-reaching conversations.

"So do you date now?" I asked her a few Thursdays later.

We had stopped at her house after tennis and were later than usual so didn't get there until around four

"No not really, I find it tiresome and quite a waste of time."

"How?"

"Well it's the sort of pretending that I am looking for a longer-term relationship with them that gets to me."

"So fuck 'em and leave 'em," I said in the easy conversational style we had developed.

"Well, although morally I have nothing against one-night stands, I am not sure they are really worth the effort."

"I know what you mean."

"But in any case Chris, you have your Docklands actuary to look after you don't you?" She smiled using the terms I had about him.

"Well did, you mean?"

"Why have you dumped him?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

"He gets on my fucking nerves."

"How?"

"He thinks he's god's gift to sex and if he fucks me in every conceivable position then I will see him as god's gift to me."

"Most men seem to think that divorcees like us are simply gagging for it," Jesse went on. I looked at her and we both giggled. "I mean with them."

"Oh I see, yes you're right."

"Because of course we ... er... um aren't or are we? Oh fuck let's have some more wine."

"Hang on I have to drive."

"You haven't got the kids tonight have you?"

"No."

"Well fuck the breathalyser and stay here."

My initial reaction was to say no, but Jesse was persuasive and the prospect of a boozy, girly evening, something I was rarely able to do, had strong appeal.

"Don't worry I will lend you some clean knickers," she said laughing as I agreed, and replied.

"And I have to tell you young lady, I am not in the habit of fucking breathalysers."

"Would you again?" I asked as I sipped my third glass of wine.

We had not had lunch at the club so I had not eaten since my corn flakes and toast at breakfast. The wine was getting to me and my head was starting to swim a little.

"What start dating? Again maybe, but you summed it up well, it's so bloody messy and I am not sure I want a long-term man in my life."

"Yeah I understand that, but what about er, um sex."

"Anyway I am not necessarily after that."

"So what are you after, a breathalyser?"

She laughed, "I don't know really. Just to be held and kissed caressed that sort of stuff. Something different, whatever that may be."

"What on dates?"

"Obviously that's the Catch twenty two."

"What is?"

"What I want and what I don't want."

I was beginning to lose the thread of the conversation and wondered whether it was Jesse or me that was a little drunk.

"And what are they?" I asked.

"I guess I am after intimacy, but with no strings," Jesse said.

"So you want that, but not go on dates?"

"Exactly, it's the playacting and pretending that pisses me off."

"I see what you mean and I understand that."

"Do you feel the same way?"

"I hadn't thought it through, but now you describe your feelings, yes I associate with that. And yes I would like that."

"It's like no strings intimacy. I imagine sitting on a guy's lap as we used to at parties when we were kids."

"What snogging?

"Yes, of course that's what we used to call it and of course being titted up in the dark."

They both smiled at the memories.

Jesse went on almost as if talking to herself.

"Lying on a sofa or a bed kissing."

"Yes or even just standing up cuddling and kissing."

"But you don't find men who just want that do you?"

"Not unless they are gay, they want to be in your knickers like a shot."

"And then either, shag you and leave you or, have a messy affair."

We both giggled as Jesse opened another bottle of wine.

"I'll order some food shall I?" She asked adding. "Fancy Indian or Chinese?"

We settled on Chinese and Jesse ordered it.

"True. They always want too much don't we?"

"Yes men are like that."

"Not like us."

"No women are different; with us it doesn't have to end in full sex does it?"

"No," Jesse said as our eyes met and something hit me. I had no idea what it was at first

Neither of us spoke for a while. I averted my gaze from Jesse, but looked up a couple of times and saw she was doing the same.

Almost in a whisper, she said as we both looked up at the same time. "Are you thinking the same as I am, Chrissy?"

My heart was pounding as I realised what had hit me a moment or two ago. Not losing eye contact for a moment, I replied.

"Yes Jesse, I think probably I am."

We fell silent again and once more, we averted our gazes. Still looking down Jesse gulped and muttered. "Have you ever er, um..."

"Been with a woman?" I offered.

"Yes," was the nearly silent and very husky reply.

"No, not really, have you?"

"Yes once years ago."

"Was it good?"

"I hardly remember, it was in Ibiza and I was pretty drunk. You?"

"I only snogged and groped a couple of girls when I used to go clubbing."

We looked up at the same time. Our eyes met and we slid our hands forward towards the other. We both looked at the extended fingers and the painted fingernails, which coincidentally were all pale pink. Neither of us moved for a few seconds and then our fingertips touched and remained like that until I lifted my hand and put it on top of hers. We held hands. None of this was planned or thought through. It was as if I was on some form of autopilot and someone else was directing my movements. Our eyes met again and we stared at each other. After what seemed an age Jesse whispered.

"Shall we then, would you like to?"

Hearing those few small words made my heart pound so loud that I was sure that Jesse would hear it.

"Yes, yes please," I breathed, without even thinking about it.

"Oh fuck," Jesse said as the doorbell rang. "It's the food."

She went and got it, brought the bags back into the kitchen and put them on the table. I got up and we stood across the table from each other staring into the other's eyes. I was highly nervous, yet excited and Jesse seemed to be the same. I certainly did not, and it seemed as if Jesse did not either have any idea what to do.

I felt that the silence needed to be broken, but had no idea what to say. The enormity of what I was beginning to realise was happening hit me. I had no experience of such a situation and from what Jesse had said she hadn't either. However, something, some power, some attraction was drawing us, pulling us towards each other and towards crossing a boundary that I had never thought I would traverse.

My throat was dry, my pulse was racing and my breathing was heavier as we continued staring wordlessly at each other.

For some inane reason I blurted out. "How much do I owe you?" Jesse frowned as though she did not get what I meant so I added. "The Chinese?"

"Fuck the Chinese," she said rather hoarsely. "I'll put it in the oven."

We both giggled as she put her hand forward towards mine. I took it in mine.

I smiled and said. "Maybe I should sit on your lap."

That made us both smile, which broke the ice a little and in turn helped me relax. That was until Jesse said far more calmly than I felt.

"Or of course we could lie on a bed."

"What a good idea," I mumbled moving round the table as she pulled my hand.

We walked up the stairs hand in hand with me behind her. On the landing, Jesse said quietly.

"We'll use the main guest room if that's ok."

"Of course."

She led me into the pretty standard, modern house rather cramped twelve feet by ten bedroom. It was decorated in light pastel colours, with matching furnishings and smelt and looked beautifully clean There was a double bed, fitted wardrobes and a dressing table and stool, that's all.

"Let me just turn it down" Jesse said as she removed the throw and the brown and beige cushions and then rolled the bedspread down and placed that on the dressing table stool.

Standing just inside the open door, I watched her preparing the bed thinking. 'Shit she's getting the bed ready for us to have sex on.' That gave me yet another jolt of sexual arousal and caused me to look more keenly at my friend. I smiled when I thought. 'Am I checking her out and sizing her up?'

I was, I realised, looking at her in a way that I hadn't before, even though I had seen her in short tennis skirts, skimpy outfits and nearly naked when she came out of the shower. Nothing then had registered with me. Now, I noticed the feminine roundness of her buttocks inside the thin tracksuit trousers, the swell of her breasts that I knew to be quite full and round having seen her in a dress without a bra. I recalled the length, and shapeliness of the tanned legs that I had seen so often at the tennis club. It struck me that I was looking at my friend in a sexual way, presumably, as men looked at both of them.

"There that's done," she said turning and straightening up as she looked at me. I wondered if she was now looking at me as I was her.

We stared at each for a few moments before I said very quietly. "Well?"

Jesse replied. "Well what?"

We both smiled nervously as we looked at each other in that different light to how we had before.

Reaching up with her left hand and pushing her hair back with a gesture that stretched the thin, silky tennis top tightly across her boobs, she raised her eyebrows.

I stammered. "I guess I mean what now? God I am nervous."

"I am too, I never imagined I would be doing this," she replied moving closer to me. Without seeming to think about it, we held hands.

"Nor did I, well not with you," I replied.

"What you did with someone else then?"

"No, not really, well yes actually, it has crossed my mind," I said knowing that I was probably sounding guilty.

"Mmmm that's interesting as I have too," Jesse replied gently pulling me towards the bed.

"Really," I replied as we sat on the edge?

"Yes for some time now I have wondered what it would be like to er, um be intimate with another woman," she said turning and looking at me before adding. "But more in a theoretical and intellectual way than anything else."

"But you did before."

"Yes, but I was pissed and it meant nothing."

"And this does Jesse," I sighed.

"Yes Chrissy, I think this does mean something, but I am not sure what, do you?" she went on placing her hand on my shoulder.

"No Jesse I don't know either."

"But now we might find out," she whispered and then paused before adding so enticingly. "Let's lay down".

We scrambled into the middle of the bed with me on my back and Jesse on her side.

Nothing was said for a while then she murmured.

"So have you been thinking about this?"

"What being with another woman?"

"Yes."

"Yes to be truthful I have, now and then."

"For how long?" She asked running her fingers through my blonde hair?

"Oh I don't know," I replied enjoying the fingers on my scalp. "A few years I guess, on and off," I went on reaching up and letting my fingers rub on her wrist.

"But you haven't done anything about it?"

I turned my face towards her and replied smiling.

"Not until now, no I haven't."

"So you are now are you?" Jesse whispered as she ran her fingertips through my hair and onto my forehead.

"Yes, I do believe I am," I replied stroking the back of her hand that was holding mine. Looking into her eyes, I ran my fingers up her arm pushing the sleeve of the tracksuit up a little way.

"As indeed I do too," she replied letting her fingers run down my face, across my cheek, going near to, but not quite touching my lips, over my chin and onto my neck. That sent near shock waves of sensations through me.