Author's note: I wasn't expecting to get the response I did for the first chapter of this. I have no idea how long this story will be and I thank you for your patience and feedback!
This work is not intended to offend or insult anyone. I have written it in my own 'voice' and there are some elements that are mildly autobiographical. That said, any names or relationships explored are fantasy and any links to people, places or scenarios are purely coincidental.
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Alex was well aware of my sexuality; my preference and my willingness to express it. She often shot looks of disgust in my direction when I spoke of my exploits. It wasn't that she disapproved, or was jealous, although I wish I could say that. No, I got the impression she was uncomfortable with my openness. Sometimes when we were drinking, if the topic turned to sex (as it so often does) she would comment on and mock the size of her previous lovers' manhoods, and once she had admitted she wouldn't have a problem with a threesome with two guys. I gathered she had a somewhat kinky side to her when it came to bedroom activities; but for my sake, that was a topic I was better off not thinking about too often.
Other than those instances, sex was a difficult topic for us. We would quiz our other friends on their sex lives, make fun of them if we deemed it appropriate, but rarely spoke of the intimacies within our own lives. Alex had made it clear that she preferred to think that I was abstinent, and that I should think the same about her. I took this to mean she didn't want any images in her head - perhaps I repulsed her, even though she was in no way homophobic. She had once made a passing comment about overhearing something that 'sounded like chains on metal' in my room when an ex of mine was over - although I think she brought that up in the hope I would reassure that her we had been watching a movie, or something equally as innocent.
Reflecting on this, I was not well enough prepared to deal with my current situation. Alex had entered the room without so much of a glance in my direction and headed straight into the kitchen without speaking to me. I was convinced that she'd seen my hand rapidly being removed from my crotch out of the corner of her eye. I could hear the blood rushing around my ears, feel it draining from my sex and my heart pounded with panic. Nobody in life prepares you for these moments. I closed my eyes and sighed heavily. There was no way in hell that I was going to announce that she'd timed her entrance terribly, as I was clinging onto the tiniest hope that she hadn't seen me. Even if she hadn't seen me, she was bound to know what I was doing. I felt my face flush with the thought of what would happen next, if she'd dare say anything to me.
"You having fun there?"
I opened my eyes to see Alex walking back into the living room and sitting down on the opposite sofa with a bottle of beer.
"The Internet's being really slow. I'm trying to watch shit. But I can't watch shit 'cos the Internet is being slow. And I drank all the Mountain Dew. Do you want a beer?" She took a swig from the bottle and glanced at the television, which was turned off. I glanced quickly at her reflection on the dark screen and noticed my chest rising and falling as I tried to control my breath. The silence was so inexplicably loud; it was deafening.
I reluctantly turned and stared blankly at her. I'd literally just been mentally rimming her, and she had no idea. She took another swig from her Budweiser and handed it to me, before getting up and retrieving another from the fridge.
"What's wrong with you? You're quiet."
What the fuck was I supposed to say? I couldn't tell if she was playing mind games or if I'd been lucky enough to escape being caught in the act.
"Just tired," I replied. "Probably going to go to bed in a minute." I nodded up to the ceiling, indicating where my bedroom was.
"I wanna watch a movie. My hand feels better now, by the way. Thanks."
"Good, you're welcome. Anytime. But hands aren't my thing."
"I beg to differ. Can I borrow one of your DVDs?" Rhetorical question, as she picked up my DVD case from under the coffee table without hesitation and started rifling through it.
I had always admired how relaxed we were around each other. Admittedly, this had made the whole me-liking-her thing rather difficult to deal with. We bounced off each others' egos dangerously, often inadvertently making our other housemates feel left out. It's hard to adjust and change something like that, though. When you click so well with one person, platonic or not, you fear losing it. We, however, worked well. Too well, in fact. She'd borrow my stuff without asking, we'd take each others food without asking, share cigarettes, drinks and drugs. I still occasionally had my insecurities about how I looked to her, but I'd long come to accept that she wasn't interested.
I got up and picked up my belongings, thanked Alex for the beer and turned to leave the room.
"Can I borrow your iPad a minute? I wanna google this" she said, holding up a DVD of mine that I didn't recognise. An image of my porn wrestlers came to my mind as I opened my iPad to hastily delete my history. I couldn't deal with Alex right now. I wanted to go finish what I'd started before she rudely interrupted me.
"Thought the Internet wasn't working?" I muttered, handing my tablet over. She hadn't reset the broadband modem, which was flashing its usual green light to indicate that it was working.
"Nah, I just said that to try and get a conversation going"
At least she was honest. I tried in vain to analyse the subtext of why she had felt the need to break the ice. She knew exactly what I had been doing.
"Er...what have you had to delete? There's nothing in your history!" Mused Alex, sporting a grin. Oh for fuck's sake woman, just hurry up so I can leave.
"Porn. Horse porn." I said dryly."Can I have my iPad back?"
"Yeah. By the way we're watching this, it sounds good" she said, waving the DVD at me.
"I'm going to bed..." I started to explain. It was such an effort to seem disinterested in wanting to spend time with Alex. We used to smoke in my room, sit on my bed, lie on my bed, watch shit TV, listen to 'stoned' music and chat about general shit. I'm guilty of giving her some of my weed just to get her into my room. Never to make a move on her, that has never been my intention. Those boundaries were set in stone within the first few minutes of meeting her years ago. Moreover, we weren't even 'huggy' or affectionate with each other. I just simply enjoyed her company, and although she was tiring to listen to at times, she was an excellent conversationalist. Plus, she was fun to look at. Alas, I could see where this was going. And honestly? I felt excitement punching me in the chest repeatedly.
"Yeah, and I'll be with you in like five minutes! It's not even late, Lou, you big fader. Go pick your underwear up off the floor".
"Right, whatever." Feigning disinterest for the umpteenth time this year, I detected a small upwards infliction in my voice. Alex grinned at me from the sofa, handing me back my iPad. Smug bitch.
***********
The movie was shit. Or maybe I was just too stoned to appreciate it. Either way, I was tired, a bit cold, and genuinely wanting to sleep. My eyes were heavy, my mouth was dryer than Alex's sense of humour and I'd been lying on my back so long I felt I was at risk of developing bedsores.
"Do you want me to go?" Alex said.
Her face lit up in correspondence to the ever changing light coming from the laptop screen. Different features flickered in and out of focus in amongst the darkness of my room. Her face was almost...expressionless. No creases, no wrinkles, no movement. To anyone else she may have seemed sad, or troubled in some way. She looked truly beautiful to me. No imperfections, just purity. Her eyes were red and swollen and she was staring at the screen. Realising I hadn't responded to her question, I grunted in an attempt at a response. I'd forgotten the question. She repeated herself and glanced down to her right, where I was lying beside her.
"No, it's okay. But I'm at risk of falling asleep a-a-aaannn' - sorry - I'm freezing" I yawned, with yawn-tears forming in my eyes. I kind of did want her to go. The excitement of being in such close proximity to her had worn off within ten minutes. She'd pissed me off when she'd stopped me from cumming earlier (ironic, as she was the face behind most of my orgasms. Poetic justice for the impure thoughts?), she had pissed me off by further delaying any release I was going to get and now she was pissing me off again by hanging around. I wasn't going to get off tonight, I was no longer 'in the mood', I just wanted to sleep. I'd already slid down my bed to an almost horizontal position, and when I'd bent my knees up to take the pressure off the bottom of my back I couldn't see the fucking screen.
"I'm tired too. There's not long left of this though. Anyway, I'm really comfy. I don't want to move." She said slowly, reaching for a handful of Hershey's Kisses. She leant over me and lit some more tea lights - our standard set up involved candles of some description to eliminate the smell of drugs and also to give us some light. It sounds rather cliche, yet the ambience was indeed beginning to set the mood of the elephant in the room. My eyes were heavy, almost stinging with fatigue. I felt my eyelids dropping. I'll just rest my eyes for a moment, I thought.
**********
I could hear music coming from my laptop. It took me a moment to realise where I was. We'd been watching some shitty movie, yes, that was it. Alex had clearly decided to look for 'stoner' music on my laptop again. Not wanting to open my eyes, my senses heightened as I heard her moving slightly beside me. I could feel warmth behind me and my mattress dipping slightly. I realised I'd turned onto my right side, facing away from Alex - who was still there.
