Vix's Lics

This is Part 2 of Vix's story. Best if you read Part 1 before this. Otherwise, you won't know the background.

***

'Sorry about the short notice, Olivia, but I'm going to have to cancel tomorrow. It's my curse. A bit earlier than expected.'

'No problem, sweetie. Do you want to re-book it?'

'Well, I have some auditions for my band coming up, so I'll have to let you know when I can fit you into my schedule...' I said, with tongue heavily in cheek.

'Oo, get you,' she said mock-huffily. 'Well, let me know when you have an opening for me.'

'Oh, I always have an opening for you, I just don't know when it will be available,' I said, rather rudely, and she laughed.

'OK, I'll look forward to its availability then... And good luck with the auditions.' I always loved this kind of saucy banter with Olivia. She really was great.

For a few weeks, the auditions really did get in the way, especially since they were at weekends due to people's study and work commitments. I really did intend to get back to Olivia, but I didn't give it enough priority. If I'd known what was going to happen, I surely would have.

The band was actually coming together well. Lindi had brought me a keyboardist called Nikki, the daughter of one of her friends, Dad had pointed me to a guitarist called Jemma (who turned out to be a much better guitarist than me) and a bassist and singer called Madeleine (Mads) had applied via the NME. Dad and I did the auditions in his studio and we were blown away by how good these girls were, so we had no need to go looking for others. We were all of similar ages too. In fact, Mads was the oldest at 25. We just needed a drummer.

We were all attractive girls, I think, so I knew we'd look good on stage, but sadly the other three were all straight. Well, they all had boyfriends anyway. Dammit.

A young female drummer seemed hard to find, and we actually started doing some rehearsals with Dad's drummer, Ed, who was happy enough to help, ('I just love playing the drums'). We were only starting out as a cover band doing stuff that went back as far as the 70s. Stuff by bands like Siouxie and the Banshees, The Slits, Elastica, The Gossip, etc. We all had our own favourites, and we eventually ended up attempting stuff from Haim, Melissa Auf Der Maur and even Björk as well.

A few weeks in and Lindi came up trumps again. She'd heard about a female session drummer called Roo (short-ish for Ruth) who was doing studio work, but had also been on tour with The Ting Tings, of "Shut Up and Let Me Go" fame. She apparently wanted a regular gig in a band but she sounded too good for us really. She was also a little older -- 'I think she's around 30. Might be too old for you,' said Lindi. Oh yeh, right, thought I. Thirty. A proper old maid.

We had an opportunity to go and see her playing live, as she was filling in temporarily on drums for the successful British alternative band Speling Eror (ha ha) who were between drummers, having sacked the previous one. Apparently, according to Lindi, they didn't want her as a permanent member because she was a girl. What a bunch of knobs.

The gig was a couple of weeks away, which left me with a free weekend. Yay. I could renew my tryst with Olivia. I was very excited -- almost trembling -- as I pressed the call button, but I was about to get a very nasty shock.

'Hello.'

'Hi Olivia, it's me, Vix. Sorry it's been a little while. It's been hectic. How are you doing?'

There was a pause. 'Er, yeh, I'm fine...'

She seemed reserved. Guarded. I could immediately tell something had changed. 'I was hoping I could come to see you this weekend,' I continued, 'can you fit me in?' I was expecting a bit of her usual banter, but no. She remained serious. A little sad, even.

'Aw, Vix. I'm sorry sweetie, but I'm not taking appointments anymore. I'm in a relationship now, and I've decided to just concentrate on my website and videos from now on.'

'...Oh...' I felt like a bucket of ice-cold water had been poured over me. Tears welled uncontrollably in my eyes. I couldn't speak.

'Vix...? Are you OK...? Vix...? Sweetie?

I fought off the choking feeling that had paralysed my throat... 'Yeh,' I croaked, 'just a bit of a shock. Sorry.' I tried, not very successfully, to keep the quiver out of my voice. I was bewildered. So many questions, and so many emotions, flooded my mind.

'I know. It's not what I expected either,' Olivia said. 'It's not easy, telling my clients like this. I had a real bond with some of you, but I had to stop. It wouldn't be fair on Ellie, would it?'

'No I guess not,' I said, and I bit my lip.

'We had great times, Vix, but we both knew the nature of it. It was never going to be anything more... I'll never forget you, sweetie.'

I sobbed. I couldn't control it now. 'So, is this where we end, Olivia? Will we never see each other again?'

'I think that's probably best, darling. You go and find yourself a proper girlfriend. Someone who can really love you like you deserve. You're a great catch, Vix. Really you are. I just hope what we did together will help your future love life. I wish you only the best... OK?'

'OK'

'Bye'

'Bye'

And that was it. She was gone.

I threw myself on my bed and cried and cried. For hours and hours. That whole night, I just alternated between sobbing, and short bits of exhausted sleep. It was like I'd had a bereavement. I had lost my muse. I lost my mind.

When the cold, cold light of day crept in, my mind resurfaced, and it's a strong mind, even if I say so myself. I sat up, leaning on my pillows, and took stock of my emotions. It was shocking how much this revelation from Olivia had hurt me. I hadn't realised how much I had invested in her, emotionally. Ultimately, our relationship was only that of a sex-worker and a client, but I had allowed her to get under my skin. I think I had got under hers too, to some extent, though that could be just a delusion on my part.

As I said before, she was like a second mum to me, as well as my one and only sexual partner. A decidedly odd, yet powerful, combination. Sexually, she was all I needed, but she was right; there was never going to be a future in it. I should never have let myself become so dependent. So dependent that I wasn't even looking for a real girlfriend.

I was thinking about this, and re-gathering my strength, when there was a tap on the door. 'Vix, darling, are you okay? You've been in there an awfully long time.' My room is far enough from theirs that my parents wouldn't have heard my sobs during the night, but I had been in there for 16 hours, with only two trips to my little bathroom next door, and they had started to worry.

'Yes. Come in, Mum.' I'm alright,' I lied. She opened the door and as soon as she saw me, she knew I'd been crying.

'What on earth's wrong, sweetheart?' She sat on the edge of my bed and I just threw my arms around her, clinging to her and bawling, like I did as a small child when I fell off my bike and skinned my knee. She held me gently, like mums do, until I quieted, then lifted my face up and said, 'C'mon, baby, what's happened? Tell your mom.

I swallowed hard. I knew the moment of truth had arrived. I looked at her earnestly. 'I've something to tell you, Mum. You and Dad.'

She looked concerned, then she got up, saying, 'OK. Come down and tell us over breakfast.' Then she kissed me on the forehead and went out and down the stairs, shouting to Dad, 'Jack, put the coffee on.'

I freshened myself up in my little bathroom, dressed, and tried to compose myself. This was going to be a big revelation, and I didn't really know how they were going to react.

Dad smiled at me with a hint of a question in his eyes as I sat down at our big kitchen table. We don't have family meetings as such in my family, but I always know, if anything is bothering me, I can sit at this big old table, pour out my problems and get a sympathetic ear. I wasn't sure about this time though.

I've been brought up to believe that honesty is the best policy, and that, whenever possible, it should be complete and unabridged. Dad even wrote a song about it, called "A Little Disclosure". So, that morning over coffee, I told them the whole story, with no omissions. The whole nine yards, as Mum would say.

I told them about my rubbish sex with Roy, my realisation that I liked girls, my crush on Lindi, and Mrs Knight at uni, even my confusing sexual feelings towards Mum. But the hardest thing was admitting I'd had a nearly two-year "relationship" with a lesbian prostitute 19 years my senior. A prostitute who I had, to some extent, fallen for, and who had broken my heart. I couldn't hold back the tears again.

This was a hell of a lot to take in, even for parents as open-minded as mine, and there was a stunned silence when I stopped talking. Dad looked pained, and it was Mum who spoke first. It wasn't what I expected.

'Oh honey, it's never easy to make sense of your feelings in your late teens. I was confused myself back then. A hooker though?' She shook her head, 'You know you could have spoken to us much earlier, don't you? We are always here.' Dad nodded. I'd never seen him so speechless.

'So, you haven't had any other boyfriends... or girlfriends....in all this time?' Mum continued. Apart from the... sex worker?

I shook my head. The situation seemed ridiculous, now the story was in the open, but that didn't stop me from feeling defensive of Olivia. I didn't like her being called by names that made her seem sordid. 'Her name is Olivia.'

Mum was dismissive, 'Her name doesn't matter, she...'

I cut her off; 'Yes it does matter. She's a real person, a wonderful person. When you talk about her you should use her name, not "the hooker" or "the sex worker"...'

'O - K,' Mum said, slowly, 'I can see she meant a lot to you, but that wasn't healthy or natural. You need to put it behind you and move forward. It's alright if you're gay, honey, but you need to form real relationships.' She took my hand and looked at me. 'I'm sorry Olivia hurt you, really I am. I wish you'd spoken to us earlier.' Turning to my dad, she said, 'I told you I thought she might be gay, didn't I?

Dad just pulled a face and shrugged his shoulders. He still hadn't said a word. 'Dad, are you OK?' I asked.

'Yes Pet, I'm OK. I'm sad about what happened with Olivia, same as I'm sad anytime something hurts my little girl, but I don't mind if you prefer girls to boys, just as long as you are happy.'

I got up and went to hug him, and his strong arm went around my waist and squeezed the breath out of me.

Mum smiled, 'It's always hard, navigating your first steps into relationships -- boy, could I tell you some stories -- but you gotta remember we are here for you, Vix. You don't need to pilot it all alone.' I went to hug her too. I'm very lucky to have parents like these. Open, non-judgemental, supportive, and also up for a bit of fun as well.

'Remind me to ask you about those stories you mentioned, Mum,' I said cheekily, with a little grin.

'Maybe one day, if you're good.' She said, smirking.

'More coffee?' I asked, then went to grapple with the Gaggia.

***

After a week, my heartache had eased slightly. I still had a pang of grief and sadness whenever I thought of Olivia, and I think that might always be with me, to some extent, but I was definitely on the mend. I was looking forward to this Speling Eror gig, and seeing Roo the drummer.

The gig was in a big converted warehouse, in Battersea, southwest London, which rejoices in the name "Almacén". It's a venue with a capacity of 300+ but it was far from full when I arrived there with my dad, and Ed, our "drumming consultant". There was a support act playing when we arrived, so we got some drinks and listened to them for a while.

Dad was recognised a few times, and even had to sign a couple of autographs. He never hogged the limelight though, and always introduced Ed and me. I could sense his pride whenever he introduced me as 'This is Vix, my daughter.' That's just my dad.

There was a short interval, and then Speling Eror took to the stage and I got my first glimpse of Roo. I was impressed.

She was about my height, with very short, very black, hair, extremely dark eye makeup, and pouty lips, made up with bright red lipstick. She had nicely-fitted black jeans on, with flat-soled Puma shoes (obviously perfect for drumming) but the pièce de résistance was the fact that she was naked from the waist up, apart from a shocking pink (and very nicely filled) bikini top.

We were standing near the stage as she walked past, and she gave my dad and Ed a nod of recognition, and me a dazzling smile, showing off her perfect white teeth. She was amazing, and I saw now why the rest of the band didn't want her as a permanent member; They were a bunch of gawky boys and she completely upstaged and overshadowed them!

They kicked off, and it was immediately apparent that she was the real deal. Not only did she boss the stage visually, her drumming drove the whole band. Halfway through the first number, Ed looked at me and raised his eyebrows. We had found our drummer. I decided I wanted her, in more ways than one.

Would she join us though? We'd already heard enough to know that she was perfect, but we were only an upstart girl group. She was way further down the road than us. By the interval, I'd already gloomily convinced myself that we had no chance. She'd never join us.

As she left the stage, Dad buttonholed her and brought her to the bar. Up close, she was even more impressive. A riot of colour, contrast and beautiful smiles. Her red nails and lips, and her bright cerise bikini top contrasted starkly with her dark hair and eye makeup, and her smile was captivating. She was literally brilliant.

I was all agog, and not a little tongue-tied and it was a good job Dad was there to do most of the talking. She was slightly in awe of my dad, who's a bit of a legend in indie music circles, and that definitely helped. If I'd been there on my own I really don't think I would have had any chance of recruiting her, but a bit of schmoozing by Dad, combined with some mutual drummer-admiration with Ed and she was putty in our hands.

'Yeah, I love the idea of an all-girl band,' she said, with a soft Scottish accent, '... and with the daughter of Jack Standen fronting it, how could it fail? I'd love to meet the other girls for a jam one day. Are they all as pretty as you, Vix?'

I'm sure I turned the colour of her bikini top. My cheeks burned. Normally, I'm quite good at taking a compliment graciously, but coming from her, I was thrown. 'I... I...' Dad knew what was happening, and came quickly to the rescue.

'They are all bonny girls, for sure, but not as lovely as my Vix, obviously,' he said, squeezing me around the shoulders. Aw, Dad...

Roo was smiling indulgently. 'Let's arrange a meet up next week. We can see how we play together, and whether we get along...'

'You can use my drums if you like, Roo. I have a kit permanently set up in Jack's studio,' said Ed. He seemed a bit starry-eyed, and eager to please her. I think he probably fancied her, but she seemed more interested in me, giving me lots of eye-contact in an unmistakably flirtatious way. I was a little bemused. Was this lesbian attraction... to me?

'Yeh, thanks, I'll come up next Saturday,' she said, holding my gaze.

I was suddenly dying for a pee. 'Scuse me, I need the loo,' I said and to my surprise, Roo joined me.

'I need a piss too, I'm back on stage in a minute'

It was when we were washing our hands she came out with it... 'So, four girls in a band, looking for a fifth... Are any of you gay?'

'I looked at her, a bit disconcerted by the question. 'Why do you ask that?' I was being a bit evasive, wondering how to respond.

'Well it might make a difference to whether I join you. In case you hadn't noticed, I'm a lesbian.' She flashed me a glimpse of a tiny double venus tattoo on the underside of her wrist. I sensed that what she really wanted to know was what MY sexual orientation was. I had obviously caught her eye, which was very flattering, and she wasn't wasting any time in finding out whether I was worth pursuing.

I felt a little thrill go through me as I gave her the answer she was obviously hoping for; 'Only me. The others are all straight...'

'Hmm. And are you attached or single at the moment?'

Wow, she really was angling... I felt my heart rate jump. 'I'm single, but I'm looking,' I said, giving her a look that I hoped was a come-on.

I waited to see her reaction, but it wasn't quite what I expected. She looked at me sideways, with an enigmatic smile, said 'Hm' with a tone of surprised approval, then walked out and straight back onto the stage.

I was left thinking, 'Well, what about it?'

I returned to Dad and Ed and we watched the second half of their set. I'm not particularly into Speling Eror's stuff, but she was still impressive. She'd be a fantastic catch for us and, I was thinking, for me too. Ed still had the eye for her, I could tell, but he's an old married man and, as I know knew, she had no interest in him. She did catch MY eye a couple more times though, and always gave a cheeky little smile.

I did fancy her - I think I'd have to be dead not to - and the way she looked at me and smiled, and the complements, and the question in the ladies, told me that, at the very least, she was interested. She was not the kind of older woman I'd previously fantasised about; she was older, yes, but the difference was only about half what it had been between Olivia and me, so I didn't have that mum thing going on. She would be a proper girlfriend, and I liked that idea.

Now, suddenly, I was wishing I was there on my own. Dad and Ed, having been a great help in making the connection with Roo, were now an obstacle to me getting closer to her. I was running all sorts of schemes for escaping them through my head, but in the end, circumstances played right into my hands.

After they'd finished their rather half-hearted encore, the three boys completely ignored Roo and headed to the bar, while she disappeared into the loo again. Spotting my dad and Ed, they immediately engaged them in conversation. I realised this could be my chance. I excused myself and headed to the ladies and I intercepted her just as she came out and was about to turn into the corridor that led backstage. She stopped and looked at me, and I held my palms out and said 'Well?'

Without a word, she grabbed my hand and led me to the room where all the bands kit was stored. She turned on the light, shut the door and locked it, then she turned and grabbed me by the waist. 'Jeezus you've got me hot, Vix.' She kissed me, a primal, ravening kind of kiss, smearing her red lipstick all over my lips and forcing her tongue into my mouth, and I returned the kiss in exactly the same way. There was a primitive animal passion between us. Quite shocking really.

My hand came up and cupped her breast, feeling its lovely softness and its weight. My thumb flicked over what was now a very prominent nipple bump in her bikini top and I kissed my way down her neck, revelling in the scent of her, a mixture of faint perfume and sweet stage sweat, which was perfect in that particular moment. Her breasts were luscious; not as big as Olivias - not by a long way -- but they were gorgeously shaped and had the perfect balance between softness and firmness.

My mouth was homing in on her nipples, but she suddenly stopped me, and lifted my head, with her hand under my chin. She kissed me again and said, 'We haven't time now. The guys will be coming back, but I'd love to continue this at my place, maybe tomorrow?'

'Oh God, Roo. I'm so fucking horny now. How can I last 'til tomorrow?

'I'm sure you'll find a way to relieve the tension...' She released me, turned away, and rooted in a bag, then scribbled down an address and stuffed the paper in my pocket. 'Come and see me tomorrow. I'll be waiting. Now, go. Don't let the guys catch you in here, they're like the bloody Mafia.'