"You okay?"
I wiped a tear that was streaming down my face before turning toward the voice behind me. It was Jennifer who sat in the desk next to me at work.
"I'm fine." I said.
"You don't look fine."
"It's my boyfriend. I found out he was seeing someone else and I just called him to tell him it's over. That's all."
"It will be okay, Lisa. There are plenty of better men out there."
"No. Not right away anyway. That's the third guy who I've caught cheating. Maybe it's me."
"Lisa. Listen to you. You are gorgeous. You got the blonde hair, thin figure, long legs and a face any model would die for."
I smiled and looked up at Jennifer. It was her that I thought was beautiful. She had that slender hour glass figure, full lips and dark hair. In fact, people thought we were sisters except for the hair. I always took it as a compliment when they accused us of being twins. I always figured it was because we spent so much time together; except of course when I was involved in my brief relationships. I loved every minute Jennifer and I spent together. We had become close friends over the past year.
"You and me, tonight; on the town." Jennifer said.
I nodded.
One night turned into two and two turned into three. Jennifer and I spent the entire weekend bar hopping, club hopping, shopping and even took in a movie. By Monday I had forgotten about what's his name.
Over the next month Jennifer and I spent a lot of time together. I told her she didn't have to go out so much with me just to keep me entertained. She said she was trying to wean herself off of men for a while also. Her last boyfriend didn't cheat on her, but he was a jerk. She was pickier in her choice of men that I was. As long as they were good looking, I fell for them. Unfortunately, so did other women. In the long run the Adonis looking men were more often self centered and not as good in bed as you might think.
"So when are you going to start dating again? You've been without a boyfriend longer than I have Jen?" I said as we sat at her kitchen table eating ice cream after another night on the town. There was nothing special about the question. After all, Jennifer and I talked about everything from men to toiletry products but for some reason that night, at that kitchen table and right after that question, is when something happened and I learned something that would change our relationship forever.
"I don't know." She said.
"Come on. We can't avoid men forever."
"Sure we can. It isn't hard."
"Like you would know." I took a big bite of ice cream. I then got one of those brain freeze things. You know, when you eat something so cold you get a brief headache. My mouth quickly warmed it up and as it melted the freeze pain went away. I looked at Jennifer and realized she hadn't said anything. She was just looking at me as I licked ice cream off my spoon.
"What?" I asked.
"I was just thinking." She said.
"About what?"
"I do know."
"You do know what?"
"I do know what it's like to be without a man for a while."
"How so?" I took another bite and waited on the brain freeze but it never came. So I took a bigger bite next time. I was glad the ice cream was fat free.
"Lisa, there's something I haven't told you."
"You can tell me anything, Jennifer."
"I know but I didn't want it to hurt our friendship."
I motioned for her to go on. I even put my spoon down because she started to act so serious.
"Well." She continued. Jennifer leaned toward me and lowered her voice a bit. Her eyes drifted down, like she did when she was trying to hide something. I knew her so well. I thought.
"Jennifer, when I was in college I didn't have a boyfriend."
"Lisa, that's not a big deal. I only had one and he thought he was God's gift to women. He was captain of the cheerleading team. People thought he was gay 'cause he was good looking and a cheerleader so he overcompensated by..."
"No Lisa. I had a relationship but it was with another girl."
I had started to pick up my spoon for more ice cream but I put it back down. I then wished I hadn't said anything about my boyfriend that people thought was gay. I don't know why.
"Oh. Well, that's okay Jennifer. What's wrong with that?"
"I was afraid if you knew I once dated a woman that, well you'd feel uncomfortable about us being such close friends."
"No. I think its fine. I guess you do know how it is to be without a man." As soon as I said it, I regretted the words. But I was suddenly curious and had a thousand questions; but was afraid to ask any of them.
"So it doesn't change anything?" She asked.
"No. Absolutely not. In fact, what was it like?"
"Being without a man?"
"Well..."
"Or being with a woman?"
"Well, I know what it's like being without a man. I mean we've been best friends for over a year. I thought we knew each other's secrets. We tell each other everything and we've been so close. And you've never acted like...like, I don't know...."
"Acted like I've had a woman before; that I like women?"
"Well yea. You've never come on to me." Again I regretted the words as soon as they came out. But I was so accustomed to us talking about everything and suddenly I felt like I might say something that would offend my best friend.
"Well, you're my closest friend. I didn't tell you and I've never 'come on' to you as you put it because I never would jeopardize our friendship."
"So you don't think, I'm attractive?"
"Lisa, that's not the point."
"And what's the point?"
"You're not turned on by women. You're turned on by men. I happen to be turned on by both, that's all."
"What if I was? You'd never come on to me?"
"Lisa, we're friends and you've never been interested in women. Alright?"
So we dropped it that night. I tried to not act any different. But I couldn't get the image of Jennifer making love to another woman out of my head. I guess a lot of women wondered what it was like. I even brought up the point two weeks later that she had never answered my question of what it was like to be with another woman. But the courage to ask again was prompted by several drinks in a bar one night and Jennifer refused to discuss it. Her excuse was that I was not thinking clearly. She said it was the alcohol asking so we dropped it again.
By the time another two weeks passed, I was fantasizing about making love to another woman. I don't know why but just knowing that my best friend had experienced being in love with a woman aroused my curiosity. But that curiosity turned into more. I wanted to know what it was like, how it felt. I began looking at women and realizing how beautiful they were. I realized how beautiful Jennifer was.
It was at that point that I began to avoid her for a few days. But it was not because of my new found knowledge of her. It was because I now feared that if I shared my sudden feelings; I would be rejected and I couldn't handle that. I started getting this funny feeling inside when I was around Jennifer, like little butterflies. But Jennifer had made it clear we were friends and nothing more.
I was confused. I wanted to go out with Jennifer like we usually did but then again I didn't. If I was with her my heart beat faster. It never did before. But when I was alone all I could think about was her; her silky hair, bright smile, quick laugh and that sparkle in her eyes. Every time we ever touched hands or hugged each other replayed through my mind searching for clues that she might have a greater interest in me than just her friend. Even my dreams were filled with images of what her naked body looked like and how it felt to be touched by her in a sensual manner.
About a week after I started avoiding Jennifer my doorbell rang. When I opened the door there she was looking like she was ready to go out on the town. Her dark hair glistened off her shoulders. She was wearing a black dress with sequins that shimmered against the light from a nearby lampstand. I caught myself admiring how it clung tightly to her shapely figure but my admiration was broken quickly as she entered, closing the door behind her.
"Something wrong?" She said.