Unlikely Love Pt 06

** At last, the conclusion, many thanks to Annag98 for all of her help and friendship, and to all of you for your kindness and support, this was a big project for me. Enjoy! **

Elena

I spent most of the next day simply crying, my heart felt like it had been ripped out and dropped right into an emotional blender. Part of me was angry: Angry at myself for letting Tamara in so deep; angry at Tamara for seemingly teasing me, and angry at the entire universe for tearing her out of my life. At the same time, I picked up my phone about a dozen or so times, wanting to call her or send a text, even if it was a simple apology. What bothered me more than anything else was that I had lost someone I had felt genuinely close to, and fond of, even if attraction was out of the question.

I needed to distract myself, so my first thought was work, which had worked pretty well in the past when I had a really bad breakup. I stopped myself for a second, wondering if that was the right word, we had never been a couple, never dated, and certainly never been intimate. No, it was

not

a breakup, not in the conventional sense at least. Maybe it was more like a fight, like we simply were not talking to each other, but that left open the possibility of eventually reconnecting.

As I walked into the Bessmer building, I noticed the expression on some familiar faces, like they could read the anguish like a brightly lit neon sign. Maybe this was yet another huge mistake, I seemed to be making a habit of them lately. I pushed back my doubts and stepped into the elevator and punched the pearl-colored button for the sixteenth floor. I had always liked the old-fashioned appearance of the building, and of the elevator in particular. As the ornate door creaked open, I realized that I hadn't thought about Tamara for about thirty minutes, which encouraged me a bit. Just as I was about to congratulate myself on taking a step forward, I felt the pain again, and forced the tears back. Damned feelings!

My phone chimed as I closed my office door, and my heart jumped, hoping it might be at least some minor communication from Tamara, just to ease the feeling that she was completely gone from my life. I silently cursed when I saw Lena's name, the last thing I needed was her bullshit or annoying comments. Ignoring her completely, I sat the phone down and started working on my computer, updating some claims based on new information that the customer had provided to me.

As the message notification sound chimed again, I groaned with annoyance, ready to tear into her for just poking at me. My face went white when I saw Tamara's name, and I felt myself tremble, both from fear and expectation. I hesitated for a moment and then clicked on the message.

'Hey, are you ok? Feel bad about how things ended up.'

the text read.

I felt myself paralyzed, torn between simply lying and saying I was fine or at least saying enough that I wasn't without making her feel worse than she obviously did. What the hell was I supposed to say?

Just as I was about to put in some lame response, the phone chimed again, this time it was Lena again.

'Hey, fucking answer me!'

it read in bold.

I growled.

'WHAT?'

I typed, knowing she had a thick skin and was virtually impervious to being offended. Plus, I really didn't care if I pissed her off, she was annoying as hell!

As I was about to respond, my phone rang, and Lena's picture and name popped up. Shit, there was no way to pretend I wasn't available, she could tell I read her message, so I answered. "Ummmm, Hi?" I said, trying not to sound annoyed.

I heard Lena grunt. "Well there you are, I thought you were dead or something!" she exclaimed.

Well, part of me feels dead for sure

, I thought. Clearing my throat, I said, "Well maybe a little hungover, but nothing a cup of coffee or five won't cure." I tried to laugh to cement the illusion more fully.

"Yeah, well you and straight girly were doing some pretty heavy flirting," Lena said, laughing as if it was the most ridiculous thing in the world she had ever heard.

"You are just bound and determined to annoy the hell outta me today, aren't you?"

Lena laughed again. "Oh and see, you aren't denying it! Gotcha!" she said.

"Very funny," I said, exasperated.

I heard her let out a big sigh, which I knew was her signature move when she was about to say something serious. "Hey look, I know I give you tons of shit, but I really care about you as a friend, I have known you like forever," she said, her tone uncharacteristically soft.

"Okay," I responded, having no idea where she was headed with her comment.

"You and I have both had horrible heartbreaks with straight girls. You've played it really smart for a very long time, but this is a huge fuck-up," Lena said, almost lecturing now.

"Oh will you just give it up! We are

just friends

!" I said, aware of how sharp my response was, dreading what she might say next.

"No, no, no, you are not getting off that easy, missy. I can read you like a book, so can most of our friends. You are in love with the girl you know you can never have!"

I shouldn't have been surprised, Lena had prodded me on this a few times, and on all of those occasions she had been out of her mind and I told her so in no uncertain terms.

"No, I am not, and this game is getting old, Lena. Drop it or I'm hanging up on you!" I said, aware that I was almost shouting now. It was a good thing my office door was closed tightly.

Lena laughed again, it wasn't the derisive way she often did, it was sheer amusement. "Look, no need to deny it, I already know, you two carry on like a couple. What's funny about it is that she's clearly in love with you too, she just doesn't understand that."

It was my turn to laugh, and I took it eagerly. "Straight girl? In love with a lesbian? You're completely insane!" I said, giggling with a snort.

Lena snorted her disapproval in response. "Didn't say she wanted to fuck you, said she is smitten with you, there

is

a difference! Ok, I said my piece, you go do whatever the hell you feel like with it!" she said, hanging up on me.

Did I know Tamara cared about me, cared a lot? Of course, that was never in doubt! Did I think she had romantic feelings for me? No, by definition that was impossible, and I discarded Lena's words as rapidly as I did expired paperwork at my job. If she was trying to mess with my head by saying that, it wasn't going to work!

Oh shit, I had forgotten Tamara's text message! Pulling my messaging app back up, I found the note and clicked on reply.

'Honestly, kinda hurting right now. Not your fault.'

I texted back, wondering if it was honest and yet not hurtful.

For several minutes there was silence, making me think at first that she had shut down on me, but I could see her typing something, something that looked like a long message. I waited for the response, but nothing came, and then I could see her typing again. When the message came through, it simply read,

'Well I am hurting too, but the way I handled it was just idiotic. Sorry.'

I was having trouble processing the conversation, on the one hand, Tamara shared the broken feeling I was experiencing and felt bad about it, and on the other she was the source of the pain even if unintentionally. Exactly what was I supposed to do with that? Part of me wanted to run away and cut off all contact, but the rest of me was desperate to hold to any connection. Regretting that I had told her my feelings, I responded,

'Well it wasn't fair of me to lay all that on you. Not something you had any need to know.'

The whole business of her typing and apparently deleting the message and starting over happened a couple times.

'I suspected it, just... well... maybe kinda.'

she texted with a smiley face. One thing was certain, I had consistently gotten mixed messages from Tamara, but none of it seemed conscious or on purpose, maybe there was a one in a million chance that she really did have sexual feelings for me. No, probably not, so might as well just push that possibility aside permanently.

I had no idea what to say next, so I just said something like I had to go, and she replied with ok or something similar. While I felt some relief while communicating, the empty feeling still remained, like she belonged there and wasn't.

'All good, talk soon ok?'

I said, then laying my phone down. Maybe some distance was best for a while, but that gaping hole in my life felt incredibly empty.

Tamara and I continued to sporadically text over the weeks that followed, and even had one phone conversation but it was ridiculously awkward. Lots of silence and fumbling for words. It made me really sad, because we used to have such an effortless way of interacting and now it just seemed like joyless work just to have a conversation. I missed

us

, if that was even the right way to say it, the hours of just talking, hanging out, having a drink or two, and the rest. I craved the interactions that we had at the ceramics studio and even just having coffee together.

I kept expecting, or rather hoping, that Tamara would ask to get together to clear the air, even if it was just something low-key like coffee or cocktails, but ended up disappointed. Part of me was pissed at her for closing herself off again, because she had come so far in opening up and making positive changes in her life. What a waste!

While still hurt over all the things that had transpired, I finally forced myself to accept that friendship was as close as we would get, though even before the blow-up that friendship was pretty damned awesome. And that connection to her was worth holding on to, and reviving, because I needed it, and on some level Tamara needed it too.

Thanksgiving with my family was as enjoyable and awkward as usual, with my disapproving parents peppering me with inappropriate questions and my twin brothers trying to set me up with some horrible friend of theirs. My brother Gregory, the younger twin by five minutes, did make a comment about the spark being gone from my eyes, which I just brushed off with some comment about how awful his haircut was that day. I tried to fight thoughts of how much I wished Tamara had been there to meet my family, though I would not have envied all of the teasing and insinuations they would have thrown at her.

Feeling that familiar ache, I excused myself and went outside, bringing my phone. When I was at a safe distance away from the house, I dialed her number, letting it ring the typical number of times before the call went to voicemail. Damnit, she was avoiding my calls now, something she knew I hated. I fought the urge to throw my phone, at least for a few seconds, but then my anger got the better of me. Just as I was about to hurl it down the street, my phone rang, and I could see it was her. Now I felt bad that I had assumed the worst.

"Hello?" I said, trying to remain aloof until I could sense what her mood was.

"Um, hey... girl." Tamara said, a reserved tone in her voice.

I couldn't tell if she was trying to be distant too, or just unsure of what to say, after all it had been weeks since we last talked and it was awkward to say the least. After a second, I realized that I was the one that had called her, so she was probably on guard since she had no idea what I wanted. Then again, I wasn't completely sure what I wanted either.

I took in a deep breath, trying to contain the numerous conflicting emotions that were coursing through me, painfully aware that an awkward silence was building the likes of which had screwed up our conversation last time. No way, not this time!

"Look, I miss you, like really,

really

miss you. I miss our talks, our joking and carrying on, and just hanging out," I blurted out, wanting to say it before I changed my mind.

Tamara sniffed, as if she had been crying a moment before, and then let out a long sigh, like she was releasing some huge burden from her shoulders. "I miss you too, gawd you have no fucking idea how much. There has been this... huge hole in my life... since... well you know... and it's been... really... hard..."

I found myself smiling in spite of myself, knowing that she had been feeling as empty as me and wanting, maybe even aching, to reconnect. "Well, let's just start over, ok? Forget about the crazy shit that happened, and just get back to having fun together," I said, almost giggling.

"Yeah, I would love that. I really... had no idea how much you meant to me... until... well... we weren't talking... and being around each other." Tamara answered. I could hear the smile in her voice.

In that moment, the black cloud hanging over us vanished, and things felt a lot like they had been before the Halloween incident, which we both clearly wanted to forget ever happened. I cleared my throat. "Well let's change that right now then," I proposed.

"Oh? How exactly? I am at my parents' house right now, probably not going to just be able to take off."

I laughed. "No, no, silly girl. Tomorrow. I hate the whole Black Friday fiasco, never do any of that. But, I do always start decorating for Christman, and I know how much you love that kind of stuff. Why don't you come over and we'll do that together?" I said, a smile in my own voice now.

I almost didn't get a chance to finish the sentence before Tamara interrupted. "Yes! Yes, yes! Deal!" she said with an enthusiasm I hadn't felt from her in a long time.

I avoided saying something like,

'It's a date'

and instead just replied, "So happy to hear that. See you at ten, unless that's too early."

"I'll be there at nine, bringing coffee," Tamara responded giggling. And all at once, my world was brighter again.

Tamara

I stumbled out of Elena's house sobbing, my eyes filled with tears and my heart feeling like it would shatter into a million pieces. I assumed that she hadn't followed me out, and even if she had, the last thing I wanted to do right then was talk. It took me five tries to get my key in the ignition, and when I did I sped off, just wanting to be alone.

I burst through my front door still crying, slamming it behind me and hurling my purse across the room in frustration. Why had I even said anything? Why didn't I just let it go when she asked, after the third or fourth time? I was furious at myself, knowing I should never have allowed the physical contact to happen, nor let it keep going either. I dropped to my knees and screamed in frustration, making the window glass rattle from the force of the sound.

I felt alone for the first time in a long time. Not alone like just being by myself, but

alone

, alone, isolated, disconnected, friendless and utterly cut off from anything and everyone. Everything I had recently accomplished in my life, at work and even personally, now seemed to go sour, making me feel acutely numb.

My feelings over the next few hours ranged from desperate grief to fierce anger, and never stayed the same for more than a few minutes. My appetite was shit, I had no desire to eat and suspected I wouldn't be able to keep it down anyway. Around two o'clock I decided I should try something in my system, but promptly vomited the sandwich up within fifteen minutes. Two hours later, I braved some saltines and managed to keep them down.

When night finally came around, all I wanted to do was sleep, so I took a pill that I knew would keep me out for the count the whole night. I was willing to deal with the hangover effect the next day if I could get some peace for several hours. My dreams were bizarre and fragmented, when I awoke the next morning the memories of them had faded but the dark and frightening feeling accompanying them had not.

I called in sick to work, something I almost never had done, which rattled my coworkers and direct reports enough to ask if I was all right. I gave a truthful, noncommittal answer, even by text, which seemed to satisfy them, and soon no one was bothering me. I was still in my halloween costume, which I pulled off of me, shredded with scissors, and threw into the trash. I had adored the outfit but it just made me feel awful now.

My phone had bounced out of my purse when I threw it, I found it while walking to the kitchen, and picked it up. I pulled up Elena's number and it displayed a picture of her with a broad smile that right now just annoyed me. I turned off the phone and groaned, collapsing on the couch that I had once exiled my now-ex husband to. I had hoped the night's rest would have made me feel less terrible, but it truthfully hadn't helped much.

I started to reach for my phone again, then pulled back. I was probably the last person Elena wanted to hear from now, I had pretty much stomped all over her heart. I went to set it down, hesitated, sat it down, picked it up again, and finally started typing. Worst case scenario, she would ignore my next, not answer, and delete it. I struggled for sincere words that would do justice to the offense, and ended up relying on a trite apology.

My message ended up saying something generic, namely,

'Hope you are ok, I feel just terrible about how things happened.'

maybe it was lame, but it was something.

I found myself incredibly anxious, to the point that I got up and started pacing back and forth. On nearly every occasion we messaged each other, Elena would respond almost immediately. It was a far cry from the girl-waiting-for-a-guy-to-call situation I had been in when I was younger. Usually I can see dots telling me that she is answering, but this time there were none. Just silence, no response, nothing at all.

My heart sank. Apparently things between us were worse than I thought, probably irreparable now. My eyes started tearing up, I managed to fight them back, and just let my phone hit the floor. Fuck. Well that was it, the final slamming of the door in my face, making the aching inside even worse, and I was powerless to push it away. Just as I was about to completely lose my ever loving mind, my phone sounded, making me feel both anxious and relieved at the same time.

The message was heartfelt but short. It read,

'TBH, hurting right now, but it's not your fault at all.'

To quote Elena herself, I thought,

Bullshit

. It was too my fault, my fault for letting things get to the point that they did, my fault for saying anything at all, and my fault for falling apart and turning her world into a huge mess. I had already responded badly to her before, the last thing i wanted to do was repeat the same stupid mistake. What was I supposed to say? Rightly claim it was my fault? Apologize again? Say nothing?

I started typing an apology, saying I had messed up, to blame me for all of it, and then stopped and deleted the whole text. I began another one suggesting we sit down and talk, but then thought that might just annoy her even more. Erasing that one, I ended up just typing,

'Yeah, very hurt here too, hate how I handled things, so, so sorry.'

This time I didn't have to wait very long for an answer, the message popped up shortly after.

'It was selfish to dump all of that onto you, wasn't anything you needed to know about.'

the words said, with a broken heart icon after it.

I sighed, the part when I had told Elena I saw how she looked at me was true, but I had ignored it just thinking it was a by-product of our genuine affection for one another. That was something I couldn't take back, but I wanted to dull the effect of saying it, so I answered,

'I suspected, maybe kinda sorta...'

This time there was a pause, which made my stomach tighten, fearing some immediate reprisal or banishment from her life. Fortunately the message was neutral enough, and it read,

'It's all good, nothing to worry about ok? Talk soon.'