The air left my body like someone had poleaxed me. In one huge breath, my lungs emptied as I stared at Marcy. Her words bounced off of the walls of my fertile imagination in a very fast paced Wimbledon tennis game. Match, set, point.
How closely this woman's thoughts and words mirrored my own once again astounded me. Of course, her wish was a far site different than being prepared to forego male companionship...cock...in favor of a lesbian love. But if over the space of the past few weeks, I could get there, maybe Marcy could too? I did know that this was a unique opportunity to bring the idea up, one that I might not get again, one I could not afford to pass up.
I was thankful though that it was dark, that only the golden glow of the camp fire and the stars lit this hot summer night. I was certain that I was blushing. I knew I would stammer to get the words out. But I knew I had to take the chance. Life is not always fair. And fate does not usually give you second chances. So you had damned well better make the most of the first ones that you get. Even when you have no idea what the fuck you are doing or saying.
I giggled softly, "Yeah, something along those lines has been in my head for a couple of weeks actually."
She turned towards me then...and the world tilted on its axis. I lie not, it was as ridiculous as all those crappy, sappy romance novels I had read. The cheesiest one of my life. But damn was she beautiful. Her soft brown eyes were huge as the yellow and red flames danced in them. "Really?" she whispered as she clutched her chest like a little girl holding tightly to her special doll. "You too?" I heard the pleading for understanding in her voice.
I tried very hard not to read too much into things, not to let my imagination get too far ahead of me. But hope is a funny thing. Sort of like that campfire. It can look dead, cold, nothing but gray ash. But the least little breeze and coals buried deep beneath will rage to life, glowing red and providing heat that you thought long since dead. And once those flames are reignited it is a hard thing to push down. It was that kind of hope I was feeling in that moment. Like the birth of a new baby, a dream.
I foraged through my thoughts, my memories, everything I had learned about this amazing, beautiful, sexy, young woman. I tired to think of the right words. Words that would not instantly frighten her away.
"You know neither of us have to be men for us to love one another," I whispered like a prayer into the calm, cool, silent night air. And I held my breath.
She shook her head and chuckled, "It would sure help."
I could have taken those words at face value. I could have allowed them to be a bucket of water thrown upon the newly ignited fires of hope. I could have allowed them to extinguish it. Forever. Most people would have, right?
But not me, I could not. I had been alone too long. I had seen too much, fought too many fucking battles in this life. I was not going to give up that easily. "Close your eyes and just relax, Marcy," I entreated.
"Relax? Do you even remember what that is?" she asked as more tears cascaded down that beautiful face. My heart broke for her pain, our shared pain.
I knew in that moment that this was right. We were right. And the whole fucking world be damned, I would find a way somehow to show her that too. "Try," I said as I moved to sit behind her. I put my hands on her shoulders and began to massage the tight muscles beneath my fingers.
Just touching her, even in this non-sexual way felt so right, so damned right. How could religious bigots think this was sin? Sin was a man that failed to see this woman's strength, dignity and beauty. Sin was a society that condemned her for being a single mother, that without even asking made assumptions about her. Sin was her facing all of those prejudices, stresses and life alone.
She needed me...and I needed her. What's more, my logical brain argued, our children needed us and each other. We truly were one of those blended families were together we are stronger than the one. I just had to convince this woman that a penis was not necessary to make that dream come true.
I put my heart into working the tensions from that tired and achy muscles. I took my time. There truly was no rush. I found each knot and worked it beneath my fingers until I felt it loosen and disappear. Only then did I move onto the next one. One by one I took on those knots. I met their challenge and conquered them as I stared into the dying flames of that campfire. Of hope.
"Hmmm, that feels amazing," she whispered as she leaned back against me, leaned into my touch.
I have played that moment over and over again like the climax of some bad science fiction movie. That one moment in a time travel story upon which the fate of the whole fucking world rests. If I had been a lesser woman, a more insecure one, or even a younger me, I could have stopped. just let the opportunity slip me by. Rationalized that I did not want to push her too hard, scare her off. Promised myself there would be another chance.
But I was not and I did not. I recognized that moment for what it was...a once in a lifetime chance. And as the saying goes...'I boldly went where no man had gone before.'
I leaned forward, tilting my head just enough that we were face to face. Her eyes were closed. Her chest rose and fell in slow even breaths. She might have even been drifting into sleep. But our bodies had been asleep long enough.
