The Womens Retreat

It had been a long but enriching day and now, around midnight, she was in a tub of the retreat center's hot springs, feeling the warm water surround her body like amniotic fluid, gazing out at the rolling silhouette of the Berkshires and stars that came almost to the horizon, elbows perched on the edge of the cedar tub, naked legs gently walking in place in the hot water.

The second day of the course, "Women's Sexual Stories: Healing the Wounds, Celebrating the Joy," had been intense. They had been asked to bring two objects: one that represented an aspect of their sexual stories that they wanted to keep and expand (celebration of her body, and her shyly-presented new crystal "consoler"), the other to represent an aspect they wanted to release or move beyond (her now-meaningless wedding ring).

They had talked about creativity and compassion, ways to transcend guilt, shame, and "good-girls-don't" messages, and how to begin healing the wounds of violence, abuse, and compulsivity. One of the leaders, Sapphire, (an older woman with random streaks of white in her close-cropped black hair, green eyes, sensuous lips, curvy, dressed in a long gray sleeve of a dress, yet sitting cross legged on the floor, like all of them) had said something that stuck in her mind: "Erotic satisfaction begins with self-esteem." Sexual connection can transform your life, she had said, with or without a partner.

In the dark, in the hot water, alone except for a couple on the far side of the hot tub who were quietly making out (she felt rhythmic waves of water breaking against the skin of her back), she reflected on the day, how it was so different from previous experience. In the wake of her marriage, she felt open to newness and a deliberate re-creation of herself. She felt like she could love anybody, man or woman, unguardedly, sexually, casually or committed - she felt open to possibility, yet also knew her boundaries. She remembered the list of recommended -but ignored - reading sent before this retreat (Ogden's The Return of Desire, and Women Who Love Sex) and thought she would get these books when she returned home at the end of the week.

Spontaneously, she welled up, happy. She dunked her head under the water and when she came up, long dark hair streaming, she felt someone slip into the tub beside her.

"Oh," she said. "You surprised me." It was Sapphire.

"Hi," Sapphire whispered. "Are those tears or just hot water?" She could see the shine of Sapphire's white teeth smiling at her.

She began to weep again, and reached out for Sapphire's hand on the edge of the tub. "Tears," she said, "But good ones."

Sapphire spiraled in the water to face her. "Can I give you a hug?"

"Yes," she said. "I need that."

Sapphire moved closer and put her arms around her and they embraced. She rested her forehead on Sapphire's shoulder, and felt the woman's hand stroking her back. She was conscious suddenly that their breasts were pressed gently together, and she inhaled sharply to feel Sapphire's nipples rise against her own. Sapphire kissed her forehead, and slipped one leg between her own, and she could feel Sapphire's baby-smooth vulva against her thigh.

"Have you ever been with a woman?" Sapphire breathed in her ear.

"Not really," she murmured back. "When I was a teenager, with my best friend, we went to bed together and made out in our pajamas, kissing and touching each other. It was nice. We both came, I remember. But I've been married to one unspectacular man for 25 years. Divorced now, thank god."

Sapphire stroked her hair and she closed her eyes, enjoying the caress. Sapphire's other hand was now at the small of her back, making slow circles at her sacrum with her fingernails. She shivered. Sapphire's hand descended, firmly lifting one of her buttocks away from center and she felt her the cleft of her anus widen. She raised her head and gazed into Sapphire's eyes, and without thinking about it or feeling any hint of doubt, she kissed her right on the mouth. It was a kiss that lasted and lasted, their tongues probing, sucking, gently biting each other's lips. She pinched one of Sapphire's nipples and felt the woman arch her back and press her vulva harder against her thigh, and then move to stand right between her legs and spread them apart with her knees.

"Wow," she whispered. "Is this OK? I mean, I have fantasies ... about this ... and other ones ... about handcuffs, being tied up. Is that bad or weird?"

"Of course not, honey," Sapphire whispered back. "Feelings are not facts. Unless you make them so, which is up to you. As long as no one, especially yourself, gets hurt. All and everything."

She lifted her legs up and wrapped them around Sapphire's waist as they kissed. Sapphire's hands cupped her buttocks, supporting her; she had her hands above Sapphire's hips, grasping the soft skin there, her love handles. She slid herself against Sapphire's belly, her slippery labia opening to Sapphire's skin, her clitoris swelling. She held on harder, digging in her nails, and Sapphire moaned again. She felt a power growing in her, to be able to give someone such pleasure, and it thrilled her, and she rode against Sapphire more urgently. Their breasts were beautiful in the starlight, their nipples erect and begging to be bitten, pinched, kissed, sucked - all of which she did, letting go of Sapphire's hips for a second and leaning back against the wall of the tub.

"Wait," Sapphire said. Sapphire pushed against her, lifting her, and with her own hands she pulled herself up onto the cedar walkway that rimmed the tub, her buttocks on the edge, her legs spread wide. She could see the other couple opposite them, watching, the whites of their eyes sparkling. She gazed straight at them, unselfconscious, and smiled.

Sapphire kissed her belly, trailed her tongue along her inner thighs, and she trembled. Sapphire slipped her hands under her thighs and she raised her feet to rest them on the tub too, her knees bent now, wide, holding on with her hands behind her. Sapphire's hot tongue slipped across her labia and she bit her lip and arched her back. Sapphire slid a finger along her perineum and slowly into her ass and she nearly came with the excitement and newness of that.

She looked up at the black sky with its diamonds hovering over her; she gasped when she saw a shooting star. She relaxed into the warmth of Sapphire's mouth, imagining doing the same to her later, and when she began to come, she threw her head back, her long dark hair streaming, and felt like she was eating an oyster.