In the afternoon it was my task as a novice to learn tend the gardens. This was work I knew nothing about. Least of all I knew how to take instruction. Alma, the sister in charge of me, had the patience of an angel. Even when she did administer punishment, as she did when I mistook the herb-of-grace for a weed and pulled it up, she was merciful in that she used her palm against my bare bottom. I was a full head taller than her. It was awkward to lay on her lap as with the lower half of my habit bunched up against my belly. She did not hold back, but I felt the humiliation more acutely than the pain. Physical correction was not supposed to be needed with a novice like me. We were supposed to already be equals to the other sisters before God. But I had not listened, she knew it and I knew it, so this was the way it had to be. The punishments were a privilege and a mercy: the alternative was expulsion from the order. I did try to be virtuous as best I could. I had not masturbated even once after coming to the monastery, for at that time I still believed such acts to be sinful. That night I did give in to temptation. It was the only way I could think of to comfort myself. I bit my lip to keep quiet, so I would not disturb my sisters who were sleeping in the beds beside mine in the dormitory.
With the warmth of spring came a torrent of tasks in the gardens, to be done all at once. I turned the just-thawed earth with a hoe as fast as I could and I wasn't satisfied until the rows were so straight that Alma praised me. Cautiously, over the period of a few weeks, she began to give me more complex tasks again. I was eager to show that I had learned my lesson and grateful for the opportunity to do so. There was no more temptation to 'sin' at night, just a thirst for sleep that could not be satiated in the few precious hours we were given. Then one day, Alma showed me tiny leaves on the herb-of-grace. She had managed to save it. I was so relieved that I cried and she took me in her arms to comfort me.
After midsummer's day, which we did not acknowledge in any way, the work in the garden became less overwhelming. Now I was allowed to talk to my sisters. An hour every other day, I would retreat with a sister into a nook by a narrow window. She asked me questions about scripture and did not punish me when my answers were lacking. Alma was the third of my sisters that I spoke with in this way. Close to the end of the hour she quoted Romans 1:26-27 and asked me what was meant by the words 'against nature'. I replied that women are not to lay with each other as they lay with men, as I had been taught. Alma replied wryly that that women are not equipped to lay with each other as they lay with men and suggested that the unnatural act referred to was sodomy with men. I hesitated to answer. She quoted Leviticus 18:22 and commented that it constituted irrefutable proof that God condemns sodomy between men. Why should it then be allowed between a man and a woman? I remember I was blushing at this point and said something to the effect that the unnatural acts referred to might be copulation with male dogs and horses. Alma smiled and complemented me on my sharp wit. The very next day the matron gave me a worldly text to study, one which she referred to as 'the Aegean poems'. Though she cautioned that the author was a heathen she said that much beauty and truth was contained within the volume.
In the July heat, Alma began in earnest to teach me about the plants we were tending. About which could save a life or take a life, the difference being made by a single pinch of dried leaf. She told me which can be used to heighten a woman's beauty and, in a hushed tone, which could end unwanted pregnancies. I was allowed to make comments and ask questions, almost as if we were holding a conversation. Once she said that a single rose sat atop the bush as "Aphrodite on her intricately brocaded throne." I did not reply as I had not been released from my vow of silence and could think of nothing to say that would not break it, but I think she saw in my face that I recognized the phrase from the poems. I may have even blushed. Only later did I realize that I had never mentioned to her that I was studying the poems.
I am now certain that I was in love with Alma already at that point and in a few brief moments I dared to believe that she felt something similar for me. That was why it was so heartbreaking to see her with Gunhild. I did not make any special effort to watch them. I just came down to the garden to work like I do every day and heard a noise from behind the lilac bushes, the seed pods of which were already ripe. When I looked I saw Gunhild, who was only two years my senior and the cutest one among us, leaning her behind against the sundial in the middle of the circle of lilacs. She held the bottom of her habit in both of her arms, as one has to to keep one's legs bare. In front of Gunhild, someone kneeled with her face buried between her legs and her hands on her buttocks. I was not completely chaste in my life extra murae, but at first I did not understand what they were doing. That particular sex act was then unknown to me. After a few seconds I realized what was going on and my imagination went wild. It was as if I simultaneously felt a tip of my tongue on my clitoris and a clitoris, along with the taste of lust, on the tip of my tongue. My first thought was that I had to tell the matron, but I could not pull myself away from the sight. Nor could I stop my hand from sneaking in underneath my habit. That was where it remained when Gunhild saw me; I was so overwhelmed by contradicting emotion that I forgot that a screen of lilac leaves did not render me completely invisible. Thus, it was I who was taken in front of the matron by Gunhild and the other woman, who turned out to be Alma. The matron scolded me for having violated my sisters' privacy and suggested I be punished by ten lashes of the rod. Gunhild vocally agreed but, again, Alma was merciful. Again, she suggested bare hand against bare behind. The punishment was administered immediately and when the last blow landed, I came. Though I was already crying, I am sure that they could all tell. To this day, I don't know why I reacted so strongly that time.
I could not look Alma in the eyes without blushing for a long time and it was a miserable time for me. I now believed, in error, that I was surrounded by sinners and hypocrites, hell-bent on making me a sinner as well. My behavior became like that of a petulant child. During my work with Alma in the garden I followed my vow of silence to the letter and only spoke when it was necessary for the work. Whenever asked about scripture I would make myself an advocate either for the devil or for the pope in Rome, whichever was more vexing to my sisters. I did not neglect my studies, rather I redoubled my efforts so that I could better frustrate and confound my teachers. My victories were few and far between, but for a while they were my only source of joy. The only thing that restrained me was the circumstance that I had nowhere else but the monastery to go. I was forever banished from my home and had no means to earn a living except my youthful beauty. My nights were haunted by the anticipation of lustful noises; sisters were allowed to share beds 'for warmth' so long as they did not disturb the other sisters' sleep. When I eventually did fall asleep I was tormented by dreams of a kind that I might have welcomed, had not persisted in my error. In one, Alma had a penis with which I begged her to sodomize me. In another, it was my duty to perform cunnilingus whenever any of my sisters commanded me to (I still sometimes have this dream about Your Excellency.) It would always end with Gunhild commanding me to service her while she tenderly kissed Alma; before it was Alma's turn I would always wake up. Yet, I never once succumbed to the temptation to masturbate during this period. Partly, this was in defiance to my 'sinful' sisters. There was also a practical reason: now that I believed that the order had strayed from God I, did not count on having my sins forgiven.
The next time Alma took me aside to talk about scripture, she went on to explain the doctrine that was commonly summarized in the slogan 'the seed makes the sin' within the order. Onan sinned by spilling his seed on the ground. A woman cannot sin in the same way without the involvement of a man. Immaculate [literally: unstained] sexuality between only women could not be sinful as it was a reflection and celebration of the one Immaculate Conception. When she was finished my head was spinning. I could not believe her, not then, but I could not point out her error. During the next few days, I was preoccupied with thought. I desperately wanted to believe what Alma told me but I could not bear the thought of becoming a heretic. After a whole six months of study I believed I understood scripture, as one does when young and inexperienced. I had poured trough the text for weeks to find an explicit prohibition against what Alma and Gunhild had done, but I had found none.
One day when I went to the garden I found Alma with a scarf over her shoulders and a wicker basket in each hand. "Today, we shall pick mushrooms." she said and handed me one of the baskets. It was the first time I went outside the walls since I came to the monastery. She made a broad motion to the landscape below the hill: green pastures interspersed with fields of ripe wheat and patches of forest. To the east was the seemingly infinite mirror that was the lake surface.
"This is where God is. Not in the book, everywhere." Alma said.
That was a violation of her vow of silence and to talk about out Lord in that way was so alien to me that I could not tell if what she was saying was heresy or deep truth. She waited a while for me to break mine and respond. When I didn't, she motioned to her crotch.
"Make no mistake, he is there too."
