Chapter Ten
Change is possible. Perhaps.
The phrase becomes Samantha's prayer, incessant and constant in the back of her mind. Change is possible - Perhaps. Maybe it was not possible, and yet maybe it was. Unable to determine the reality of either world of belief, Samantha decides to do what she believes Esther would like her to do. To believe that perhaps, perhaps, perhaps, she could be a woman that she would be proud of.
A woman her mother would be proud of.
So she prepares lunch with a giddy optimism in her chest, uncharacteristic for herself, to be sure, but infectious in how it pulls at her. Her hands shake and tremble at the possibilities, and for the future she is slowly carving out for herself. When Harold the pigeon had arrived for his usual bowl of seeds this morning, Samantha had even sung to him. The bird who had once been nothing more than an uneasy alliance of need was now an audience to her joy.
Change is possible. Perhaps.
A simple meal. Just lunch. Beans marinated and served alongside potatoes and rice. Fresh herbs. Lemon zest. Something resembling a gravy. It is springly and fresh, light and welcoming. Surely the Mother Superior would approve.
And as she awaits the arrival of Esther and her aunt, Samantha cannot help but stare out at the street, anxious for them to meet her. She tries to imagine what the news will sound like upon her tongue, and what the older nun's expression will look like when she hears the decision. How gleeful will Esther's smile likewise be?
And finally, a knock.
"Good afternoon, Miss Deveroux," the Mother Superior inclines her head as Samantha pulls the door open. She'd waited a few beats so as to not seem so eager.
"Good afternoon, Sister Pullwater," Samantha smiles, radiant like she was hosting a gala. "And to you, Sister Levy."
"Good afternoon," Esther agrees.
"My niece tells me you have news for me," Pullwater relates, coughing quietly in the manner of an old woman, "though she stubbornly insisted that I not be spoiled of the contents until I hear it from you."
"Where would the fun be in that?" Samantha steps aside to invite them in. After closing the door, she carefully makes her way to the dining room to prepare a chair for Sister Pullwater at the head of the table. Esther and her take seats opposite one another, at Pullwater's left and right respectively.
Samantha then retrieves the elements of the meal and serves them to the table, enjoying as always the ways in which the smells enter the room first and puff out along with the rising steam. The Mother Superior says a quick prayer, then allows Samantha to serve her a plate.
Pullwater looks pleased at the meal before her. "Appealing to sight and to smell as always, Miss Deveroux. An excellent cook, you are."
"Thank you."
And rather than dive into the meal, the old woman drags her elbows up to the table on either side of her plate, latticing her fingers together and leaning her head eagerly forward. "Now, might I have the news?"
Samantha shares a quick look with Esther, warm and enthusiastic. Feeling much like a child requesting commendations from their parents, replies, "I would be deeply honored to accept your invitation, Mother Superior, and to join the Sisters."
Pullwater rocks forward, clapping her hands together with glee, and Samantha cannot help but feel proud and honored to elicit such a warm response from her. "Praise be to God!" The nun calls out, taking one of Samantha's hands with her own, letting her feel the rough and grandmotherly skin. "You will make a wonderful addition."
Esther grins with her, and for a moment, it is as though Samantha has become now the person she wishes to be, wishes to be seen as. Change is possible, perhaps, and in this moment, she allows the welcoming delight and pastoral pride of the Mother Superior to will that change into existence. She sits taller in her seat, rests her back into her chair more steadily, lifts her chin up to be respectful and noble. She wears the righteous and proper poise that had so often won her acknowledgements at the table of the gentry, and now, it would signify instead the culmination of her repentance and acceptance of her new life.
The elder nun takes one of Esther's hands as well, letting their palms all form a connected semi-circle around the table. She squeezes both of their hands, reverently declaring, "This would not have been possible were it not for your faithful witness, Esther, nor for your kindly openness, Samantha. I am quite sure there has never been such a bountiful friendship between two women since Ruth and Naomi. Bless you both."
Esther smiles at Samantha. "A beautiful friendship indeed."
Pullwater releases a satisfied breath, nodding, and affixes her gaze to Samantha once more. "Tell me more of your decision, Miss Deveroux. I would be glad to hear more of the workings of the Lord upon your heart."
Unsure whether it was the workings of the Lord, or the workings of Esther, Samantha inclines her head and answers her. "I find myself interested to see what my life might look like when attached to such a noble purpose. I never much put myself on paths that lead towards increasing the good in the world, and I feel now that I should."
It feels good to say such things, to believe them as if she really could be that person. All of the hatred of herself could go away, all the hostility she was capable of could be hemmed back like nothing more than poor tailoring. Change is possible, perhaps. Just as Esther had once been a woman who felt out of control, unable to determine what she wanted and who she was, so too could Samantha become like the wondrous person she was now. She looks at Esther once again, with eyes that could see her as nothing less than sheer divinity itself, and tends to the happy sensation within her chest.
"I care deeply for the children," Samantha continues, "cherish Esther's role in my life, and have taken great value from the guidance of Father Billings. They have opened my heart towards a new direction, and I feel a pull within me to step towards it."
"And so the Lord calls you," Pullwater nods, releasing both of their hands. She turns her attention to the food before her, considering the spoon in her hand before enthusiastically taking a bite. "We will happily welcome you into the fold. The children will be delighted as I am." Between bites, she steals a glance up to the sky and whispers, "Oh, happy day."
Samantha purses her lips, trying to keep her glee restrained. It was rare for her to feel as though someone was proud of her, and for good reason, and she finds the feeling to be something she craves more of. Change is possible, perhaps.
"Your enthusiasm warms my heart," she says.
"Have you any business to conclude? You may consider yourself an initiate as of this moment, if you would like," Pullwater tells her, "though if you should like a few days to bring your affairs into order I would see it prudent to grant this."
"A few days would be grand, Mother Superior."
"Excellent," the nun bobs her head. She serves herself even more food, even as Samantha hardly touches hers, as there was a lack of room for food aside the bubbling excitement within her.
Pullwater clears her throat and faces Esther. "You've done very well for yourself in this city, my niece. I worried you were languishing away from boredom at the Bromhill convent, and it seems to have been a fortuitous act to summon you here. You've won over a soul I never thought to see within a church, save for perhaps a holiday or ceremony. Bless you both."
Esther looks pleased with herself as well, her eyes twinkling with pride from the approval of her aunt. "Thank you, Mother Superior." Her eyes flick over to Samantha. "And may I be the first to say, I look forward to welcoming you, Sister Deveroux."
