The Mother Tracie Deserves

SUMMER'S END

The summer went on after that memorable day with Mackenzie. I never saw any evidence that Tracie knew about her friend making a pass at me, and Tracie and I never spoke of the night after, when my stepdaughter had done her X-rated 'performance' for me on the couch. I hoped Mackenzie never knew how I had watched them together, however inadvertently.

I didn't like how secrets were starting to become a major feature of my life again. I also didn't like how anxious I felt when Tracie would occasionally have certain looks on her face - some sly, some wistful - looks that seemed (to my worried mind, at least) to be about the things she and I had done that we never should have.

But we got along okay.

As the days and weeks passed, Mackenzie started to come around less and less. I noticed a couple of times Tracie appeared to be angry, texting rapidly, and I wondered if they were fighting. When my girl started to seem depressed, I had to ask.

One evening at dinner, I said, "So honey, how's Mackenzie?"

My daughter's face darkened. "I don't care."

Gently, I probed, "Are you two..."

"We broke up. She's immature and an idiot and fucking the woman she babysits for."

"Oh, sweetheart, I'm sorry," I said. I reached across the table and took her hand.

Tracie looked at me. Her sad eyes stayed on mine for a long time.

I was glad when Tracie told me she had made plans to go out with someone new, this time a boy again. She showed me his picture - he was remarkably handsome - and she seemed to have high hopes about him.

The day after their first date, she didn't say anything about it, and I was looking for a chance to ask her how it went.

It wasn't until after our evening workout in the basement, when she and I were cooling down and drinking water, that I decided to ask. I was trying to appear nonchalant as I toweled off around my sports bra. I said, "So, how's this new boy?"

She made a sarcastic

pshaw

noise. "What a loser."

"Uh-oh. What happened?"

"He's just a dog. He wanted to get straight to the sex. He thinks since he's so good-looking, any girl is going to immediately rip her pants off for him."

"Aw, no," I said. "You're just not having any luck this summer. I'm sorry, baby." I stroked her hair. Her scalp was still warm from our exercise. "What a shame. To think what he's giving up because he can't control his hormones."

Tracie said, "Everyone my age is so dumb."

I held back a laugh. She was right. I didn't think it would help Tracie to say so, but the fact is, at nineteen years old, hardly anyone is going to meet someone worth staying with. They're all just a bunch of children, after all.

I said, "You're just more mature than most kids your age, Tracie. I know it's hard for you."

She gave me a big hug. We were still sweaty, but that didn't bother me. I hugged her back, holding her tight. Like any parent does, I wished I could shield my darling girl from all the difficulty and pain in life. I kissed her head and said, "You deserve so much better, sweetheart."

My stepdaughter's cheek rested on my shoulder. I felt her body twitch and heard her start to cry.

"Oh, angel..." I caressed her back, trying to rub the sadness away. "You're at such a difficult age, honey. Don't rush it. Someday, what you want will come to you."

She kept her head on my shoulder. I kept massaging her back.

Her voice was vulnerable and weepy. "What I want is

you

, Mom."

I stiffened. I had thought we were past this. I needed to be past this. I searched for the right response. I said, "You have me, Tracie, forever. Just... not that way."

My daughter kissed my shoulder, and again. I didn't want to push her away; I knew she was very fragile in that moment. I whispered, "Sweetie, I think we-"

When I felt her lips trailing up my neck, whatever else I was going to say vanished from my mind, canceled out by my body's tingling response. All I could do was quietly gasp.

I tried hard to return to thinking rationally, but all I could say was, "Tracie..."

She whispered into my ear, "You want me too, don't you? Please don't lie to me, Mom."

My body, fresh off an intense workout, was shimmering with arousal. My stepdaughter was beautiful, sexy, irresistible to anyone. But we had been through this before - it had to be over. I took a deep breath, loving the sensation of Tracie's tongue on my ear. Despite the excitement spreading down my spine, I finally stopped her by tipping my head to my shoulder, gently forcing her lips away. I said, "What I might want doesn't matter, honey. That just cannot be the way our lives go."

"Why not?"

I took a deep breath and sighed out heavily, trying to expel the physical thrill my daughter had teased out of me. I said, "Because I love you too much - as your mother."

She scoffed and said, "You don't let yourself love me as much as you really want to, Mom. I know it. And you do, too."

Tracie's young eyes searched mine, and I felt a deep sadness. I loved my stepdaughter more than I'd ever loved anyone. This wonderful girl and I had been through so much life together, both good times and hard times. The last thing I wanted was to feel a distance growing between us. But that's what seemed necessary for me to stay firm in what I believed was right.

~ * ~

As summer break neared its end, I couldn't believe we were counting down the days to the start of Tracie's senior year of high school. When did my little girl get so grown up?

Overall, the summer hadn't been bad. Things had continued to go well with Bill. We enjoyed spending time together, and had progressed to the point of an occasional kiss. But I kept things from going further than that. I wasn't sure what made me so guarded with him. It wasn't anything he did. He was a perfect gentleman, very patient, and I liked him more as time went on.

I'm sure the pain of my divorce made me cautious. And something about all the drama and weirdness with my stepdaughter had changed me too. In any case, I needed to avoid anything too intense or sexual with anyone for a while.

One night when Tracie was at a friend's house for an end-of-summer sleepover party, Bill came over and I fixed us some dinner.

Later in the evening, he said, "Lorraine, may I ask you something?" His tone worried me a bit.

"Okay."

He said, "If it's not too personal - and tell me if it is - but, lately, you've seemed a bit less happy."

"I have?"

"Is it something I'm doing?" The earnest look in his eyes was so kind.

"Not at all, Bill, no. I've really enjoyed this summer. It's been great. You know, I'm not in a hurry to dive into a deep relationship right now."

"Yes, we've talked about that. That's not what I'm getting at, Lorraine. I'm asking as your friend. Is there anything else going on?"

I realized this was as good a chance as I was likely to have to talk about things with another person. Obviously, I had to be careful and withhold a lot, but to a degree, I felt comfortable confiding in Bill. And I felt a pressure inside me to talk about it, however much I had to conceal. I said, "I'm sorry if I've been less fun lately. But to be honest, I'm a little worried about Tracie."

He nodded sympathetically. "If you don't mind my saying, I've noticed she hasn't seemed quite as happy either."

It hurt my heart that other people could see my daughter's sadness. "Yeah... The summer has been rough for her. She's struggled to find someone - you know, romantically. She's gone out with a few people but none of them lasted very long. She wants someone to love her the way she deserves, but... Those kinds of things." I felt a shakiness rise in me. "No one wants their children to be unhappy."

"No, of course not. Poor girl. She has so much going for her. So smart, so mature. It's probably hard for her to find someone on her level. All I know is when I was her age, I was an idiot about relationships - a complete boy. In fact, back even when we worked together at Acme, I was still too stupid to ask you out."

We exchanged smiles. He went on, "As young as she is, do you think Tracie even knows what she wants?"

"Oh, she definitely knows what she wants."

He asked, "So you know who it is?"

I tightened. "I'm not comfortable saying more, Bill."

"I'm sorry, I don't mean to press into her business."

I sighed. "The problem is, who she wants, she cannot have."

"Ah, such is life, huh?"

I forced a smile. "I guess so."

Bill said, "Tracie's very lucky to have you, Lorraine. I see how close you two are. I'm sure if there was something you could do to make her happy, you would. I suppose all you can do is give her as much love as a mother can give."

Bill couldn't have known why his words hit me so hard. He said, "Oh... Lorraine, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to upset you. Here." He handed me a tissue.

I used it to dry my tears. I said, "Some things we can't give our children, even if we want to."