The Mother Tracie Deserves

MOTIVATION

I was glad Tracie still gave me tasks to do that day. I needed things to focus on. I spent most of that morning's treadmill time at a full run. Maybe I was still running from my mother. Anyway, breaking down in the bathroom with Tracie ultimately felt like a good thing - needed, and maybe healing.

Later that morning, I was outside cleaning leaves and muck out of the gutters - one of the jobs my daughter had given me. My phone chimed with a message.

It was a good time for a break. I climbed down the ladder, took off my dirty work gloves, and pulled the phone out of my pocket.

As I hoped, it was a text from Tracie. It read, "How are you doing?" The words were followed with a heart emoji.

I texted back. "Much better. Thank you for asking, sweetie." I added a heart, a smiley face, and a flexing-arm emoji to tell her I was strong.

"Good," she wrote. "I've been thinking about things. We'll talk when I get home."

I didn't know if that was good or bad. I wrote back, "Any hints?"

Her response was, "g2g."

I knew that she was in class and her abbreviated "got to go" probably meant a teacher had told her to put her phone away.

Even though I kept myself extra busy, the following hours were long and anxious. I couldn't stop wondering what my stepdaughter was going to say when she got home from school. But more than that, I just wanted to see her again, to take my mind off the sad and ugly memories of my mother that had uncorked that morning in the bathroom. Seeing my Tracie again would ease my mind. Even with the blackmail, I was lonely without her.

I made sure both the house and I looked perfect when she arrived. Right on time, her friend's car pulled up in the driveway.

I was nervous, but wanted to put on my best face. I stepped out the front door to smile and wave to them. Today, Tracie's friend Emma had driven her home. Emma waved out her car window and called a cheerful "Hi!"

"Hey Emma!" I said. "How are you?"

As Tracie got out of the car, Emma said, "I'm fine. You look really good today, Ms. Gasparo."

"Oh, thank you! Isn't it a beautiful day?"

Emma started backing her car out of the driveway, saying, "Yes! Can't wait for summer vacation. See you later!" She played some loud music as she drove off.

I turned to see my daughter walking toward me with her backpack slung over her shoulder. Her face was hard to read, which increased my nervousness. I tried to act normal, saying, "Emma is sweet."

"She's right," Tracie said. "You do look good today."

"Thank you, angel. So do you, as always. Come on in. Are you tired? Do you want a snack?"

"I'm okay," she said. "Maybe some water."

Inside the house, I got my girl a glass of ice water while she set down her school stuff. I couldn't guess what Tracie was going to say, or whether I would love it or hate it, but at least we were off to a pleasant start.

"Here, baby." I handed her the drink.

"Thanks." She sat on one of the stools at the kitchen counter. I stood on the other side. I was anxious and needed something to do, so I poured myself a glass of water too.

I tried to hide my nerves. "So, how was school today?"

She shrugged and took a sip. "Normal. Nothing big. Got an 'A' on my history essay."

"Great job, honey. I'm so proud of you." I waved my fingers toward her body. "All this, and brains, too."

She gave a little grin. She set down her glass and looked at it, fingering the rim.

I said, "Oh, did you want to check my breath?"

"Oh, yeah," she said. "Sure."

I leaned over the counter and exhaled for her.

She nodded. "Yeah, I knew you were sober."

I bit my lip and took a drink of my water.

My stepdaughter looked at my body. "That's a nice outfit you have today, Mom. You look pretty."

"Thanks," I said. "I wanted to look nice... So, um, you had a chance to think about things today?"

She nodded. "Yeah, I did."

I bit my lip more nervously.

She said, "First of all, I'm so sorry about triggering that stuff with your mom."

"Thank you. I'm okay now," I said, expectant for the rest.

She pulled out the stool next to her. "Do you want to sit down?"

"Okay, yeah, thanks." My anxiety was increasing. I sat on the stool and Tracie turned to face me, our knees touching. I gripped my hands together in my lap and tried to remain calm.

She said, "It makes me sad to know that your mom was abusive to you. I never would have guessed that, since you've always been such a good mom to me."

"Until lately," I muttered. My eyes teared up.

"Well, you deserved better when you were young. I'm kind of glad I never met your mom. She sounds awful." She rested her hand on mine. "Was she violent with you?"

I took a deep breath. "Well, Tracie, things were different when I was your age. You know, it wasn't such a big deal if your mom slapped you from time to time."

"So she was violent. Slapping you is abuse."

My eyebrows went up as I realized it. "I've never really talked about this with anyone." I tried to breathe so I wouldn't start to cry. I nodded. "Yeah. Sometimes she was violent. But honestly, I think the worst was the cruel things she would say to me, or when she wouldn't even speak to me at all."

Tracie looked into my eyes with deep sympathy.

I smiled and a tear leaked down my cheek. I said, "But sweetheart, what happened between my mother and me isn't your problem. That's not for you to worry about. It's long in the past."

She said, "But we've been through our own rough times lately."

I nodded vigorously. "I know. And I'm so, so sorry. I'm so ashamed I let myself... you know, with the vodka..."

"I know you're sorry." Tracie leaned back and took a sip of her water. She cleared her throat and set down the glass. She said, "Can I ask you something very touchy?"

I tightened up. "Uh, alright."

My daughter asked me, "Did your mom ever... abuse you sexually?"

The question surprised me. "No. No, it was never like that. She just treated me like she really hated me."

Tracie nodded thoughtfully.

I said, "Can I ask what you're thinking right now, honey?"

"Mom, the only thing that got your drinking to stop-"

"Was the video," I said. "The blackmail. I know. I'm sorry."

"So," she said, watching my reaction, "I'm not ready to give that stuff up yet. Maybe someday, but not now. You've been pretty cleaned up lately, but it hasn't been that long."

I nodded and swallowed. It was hard, but I kept eye contact with her.

"I can't let you go back to that, Mom. It was, like, the worst thing in my entire life to see you drunk all the time."

The sadness in my stepdaughter's face made me want to break down, but I held it together. "I'm so sorry," I said. "I never want that again."

Tracie took both my hands in hers. "So, I'm sorry if it's harsh, but I need you to know two things, Mom. One, you still have to do whatever I tell you. Every day. No matter how crazy, okay?"

I nodded eagerly.

"And two, if things ever get like they were, if you start drinking again, people are going to see the videos."

I took in a shaky breath. "I understand." I hated it, but Tracie was right - the threat of anyone seeing that stuff was the only thing that got me straight.

My girl's eyes shined with emotion, but she was strong when she said, "I promise I won't make you feel like you're your mom. If I do, tell me. But the videos are what's keeping you sober. So we're going to keep doing them - but I won't make you hurt me anymore, or be violent. But, well, they still need to be blackmail, you know? I need to keep you motivated, Mom, to keep that motivation always fresh in your mind. Does that make sense?"

I nodded with eyes closed. I whispered, "Yes."

"I love you, Mom. That's why we're doing this."

~ * ~

TRACIE TAKES IT EASY

For the next couple of days, Tracie didn't make me do any videos, thank god. She did keep me on my exercise regimen, she did leave me a daily list of tasks, and the first thing she did every day when she got home from school was check my breath for alcohol. But even with all that, life was getting more normal. I actually appreciated the structure my stepdaughter was enforcing on me.

And her attitude had softened. We started to have little bits of normal chit-chat. She complimented me on my cooking at each dinner. She told me "good job" for the tasks I had completed. Once more, we started saying the normal greetings that happy families say to each other - hello, goodbye, good morning, good night.

One of the best parts of returning to a more normal life was I was no longer ashamed to go out in public. Now when I saw someone I knew, I was able to make regular conversation, and I didn't have to lie about how I was doing. I was sober, getting healthy, and I had an active job search going. Of course, my favorite topic of conversation, as always, was my daughter: how well she was doing in school, how many offers she was getting from colleges across the country, all the good stuff.

One morning before she left for school, Tracie noticed that I had gotten up early and was putting extra effort into my hair and makeup.

She said, "So, is that job interview today?"

"Yes. Wish me luck." I was nervous, but had a big smile.

She said, "I'm wishing

them

luck. Any company would be lucky to have you." And then my adorable stepdaughter gave me a kiss on my cheek.

On her way out the door for school, she called out, "See you later, Mom. Love you."

With bright happiness bursting in my chest, I called back, "I love you too, honey!"

Just like better times!

I think that happiness carried me right through the job interview, which went as well as I could have hoped. My positive mood helped me laugh and connect with the people interviewing me. They seemed like they wanted someone to start very soon, and it looked like a good opportunity for me. They didn't offer me the job on the spot, but I walked out of there more hopeful than I'd been in a long time.

I couldn't wait to tell Tracie about how it went, but I wanted to tell her in person. Back at the house, I worked on my task list and got ready for my girl to come home.

For months, I had been drunk and ashamed when I heard Tracie getting home after school. After the blackmail started, hearing her friend's car pull up scared me. But now, I felt excited when my stepdaughter came home. I promised myself to never take for granted that simple, sweet happiness.

I made sure that when she came in, Tracie would see me in my apron, dusting - one of my tasks for the day. I had already finished all my housework, but I wanted her to see my dedication.

As she entered the house, she called out, "Hi, Mom."

"Hi, baby! I'm in the family room."

She came in, bringing with her a waft of fresh outdoor air. She slid her backpack off her shoulder and set it on the floor. Looking around, she said, "The house looks nice."

"Oh, thanks! Things are coming together around here."

She wandered into the kitchen. "Any snacks?"

I followed her and said, "I got some really good blueberries there. Do you want me to fix you something, honey?"

"No, berries are fine."

I said, "It's getting warmer, huh?" I got her a glass of water with a couple ice cubes, the way she liked.

"Thanks. Yeah, summer's definitely on the way. In school, all the second-story classrooms were hot." Popping a berry into her mouth, she said, "So, how did the job interview go?"

A big smile spread on my face. "I think it went really well."

"Oh yeah? That's good. Did they offer you a job?"

"They said they had a couple more people to interview before they decide. But I think they really liked me."

"Well, of course they did. That's great, Mom. I hope you get it." She gave me a nice, long hug. It felt wonderful.

"Thank you, honey. I hope I get it too. I think I'm actually starting to run out of things to do around the house here."

"Yeah, we need to keep you busy." She took a sip of water, leaning against the kitchen counter. I admired what a great kid she was, how pretty she looked after a day of school, and how much energy she brought into the house when she came home - just by being there. She chewed another berry as she watched me take off my apron.

I sat on a stool on the other side of the kitchen counter, facing her. I was so happy to talk with her about regular things. "So how are things going in your classes?" I said.

"Pretty good. I got a hundred and three on my math exam."

"A hundred and three? You're awesome! How do you get more than a perfect score?"

She took a sip and shrugged. "Extra credit questions. Also got a hundred percent on my English paper."

"Good for you, sweetie. I love seeing you reach your goals. And look at this." I pointed to the stack of mail on the counter. "The mailbox was full again today with recruitment stuff from all over the country. All these colleges are falling over each other to get you."

She smiled at me. She set her water down, pushed the berries aside, planted her hands on the counter between us, and faced me directly. "So, I've been thinking, Mom."

"Tell me," I said with interest.

She said, "I have some ideas for the next videos."

My jaw dropped, but I covered my reaction quickly. I should have assumed it was only a matter of time.

"But listen, Mom, they won't be violent. They'll be less mean."

I swallowed.

She turned to start eating another berry. "You know, I've been thinking about it. Unfortunately, there's really not that many things that make a good blackmail video. I promised we wouldn't do anything violent. And I'm not going to have you do anything illegal. So, the only other choice that's inappropriate enough..."

It took me a moment to get it. "Oh my gosh," I muttered. Rubbing my forehead, I tried to purge my mind of the flashes of that first video, the one from Tracie's ill-fated birthday.

She said, "I mean, let's face it. That's what got you sober in the first place."

I grabbed a piece of the recruitment mail and fanned my face with it. "I think I'm having a hot flash."

My daughter slid her ice water to me.

I was too flustered to drink it. "I don't know, honey."

"Relax, Mom, I already knew you'd be all stressed out about it. So, I'm not going to, like, make you do porn with me, but it's gotta be blackmail-able - you know, for your motivation. But maybe we can have some fun with it, too."

"Fun," I scoffed. "Fun blackmail videos."

Tracie laughed, "Yeah. I mean, they'll still look bad - not that anyone ever needs to see them - but we can have fun making them. You know, we can fake stuff, act it out. And maybe not just videos. I have other ideas of things we can do - just to keep you busy and on your toes."

I was scared to ask. "Like what?"

"Like, how about this?" She came around the counter, sat on the stool next to me, and turned her back to me. "A little after-school neck rub would be nice."

"Oh, okay. That doesn't sound so bad." I stood up behind her and started rubbing her shoulders, glad to do something sane and normal.

"Mmm, feels nice," she said. "A good way to relieve the stress you gave me all the time you were drinking."

I nodded sadly. "You deserve it."

Tracie said, "And for the blackmail file, I was thinking, what would a really cruel mom make her daughter do? And I thought, she'd make her wait on her like a slave."

I said, "So I would make you wait on me?"

"Yeah, and I record it with a hidden camera. See, nothing violent, and since we're faking, it should be okay. You would just have to pretend to be mean about it, and I would pretend to be sad."

"Uh-huh," I said, not sure what I thought. I continued rubbing her young, athletic shoulders.

Tracie laughed, "And how about this? A sicko stepmother would make her stepdaughter put on costumes like a little dress-up doll. So, we'll get some costumes and take pictures like you made me wear them, and I'll look all depressed. Wouldn't that be hilarious?"

I chuckled in spite of myself. Tracie was obviously having lighthearted fun with this, but it was still so weird.

"So, what do you think?" she said.

I was surprised she asked. "Well... I guess. It's definitely better than the rough stuff. If you want me to, I'll do it." I didn't dare say no.

"Awesome," she said happily. "I have a little homework to bang out, but I'm going to try to order a couple costumes before dinner. It's going to be so funny. Oh! And, for tonight, I have an idea. It will be very easy and no big deal."

I swallowed, my hands slowing on her neck. "What's that?"

"What time will you be making dinner?"

I said, "Well, I usually start fixing it around 5:30, unless you want to eat earlier."

"No, that's fine. I'll bring my laptop out here for the costume shopping. So, while you make dinner, I want you to wear your apron."

"Okay."

"And nothing else."

I shook my head as if I couldn't have heard that right. "Sorry, what?"

She turned to look up at me. "Yep. Give me something nice to look at while I wait for dinner. It's warm enough, right?"

I said, "So you're going to take video of me—"

"No," she said. "Not for a video or anything. It's just- I don't know, I just want you to. Alright?"

I bit my lip. I wondered if it was a kind of test. I took in a breath and said, "Yep. If that's what you want."

Tracie stood up and gave me a peck on my cheek. She said, "I need to get on my homework. See you in a little while."

My stepdaughter grabbed her backpack and headed toward her room. I dropped back onto my stool, my eyebrows raised high. I rubbed my temple and wondered if I could be okay with this.

Before I worried about it too much, I shrugged. It didn't matter. It helped that my daughter was acting fun and friendly about it. But we both knew I didn't have a choice.