The Liberation of Ate Shaw

To my faithful, patient readers: Thanks again for all your positive feedback and words of support while I've been working on this chapter. I hope you all find it worth waiting for!

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When I got home, Kelly was in the kitchen, humming to herself like she always does. She didn't hear me come in, so I stood in the front hallway and listened to her for a moment, knowing that after I told her what had just happened, it might be a long time before I heard that wonderful sound again.

Sighing, I walked into the kitchen and she turned her head for a quick kiss when I said hello to her. Her hands were in the sink, washing dishes, and she had her back to me when I sat at the table. I could smell the aroma of a chicken casserole in the oven, but my mouth was dry and my stomach clenched at the thought of trying to eat.

"Just give me a minute, honey. I wanted to get a head start on the cleaning before we eat," Kelly said, her back still toward me.

"No problem. I'm too tired to move right now anyway," I said dully.

She turned to look at me, hands still in the sink.

"Uh-oh," she said, taking a dishtowel and drying her hands on it. "What's wrong, honey?"

I couldn't seem to move my eyes from the place mat in front of me. I could feel her gaze on me, but it felt like my head weighed a hundred pounds. She dried her hands and sat down next to me, but I still couldn't look at her.

"What?" she asked softly.

"I..." I began, then my throat knotted up and I had to swallow before I could say anything else.

"Kate, what? What is it?" she asked. Her voice was calm, but I could sense a tension in her body in spite of the softness of her voice.

I just sat there, my mind whirling, unable to think of one thing to say. My hands were clenching and unclenching, and she finally gripped them in hers to keep me still. Her hands were warm from the dishwater and smelled lemony. Strange how my mind recorded details like that at such a time.

"Kelly, I need to tell you something. It's...well...honey, it's not good," I managed.

"Ok. So tell me," she said, her hands still gripping mine.

I sat there trying to think of what to say, but my throat locked up again and all I could do was sit there and stare at our linked hands.

"Kate, look at me," Kelly finally said. I tried, but I could not make my eyes meet hers.

"LOOK at me," she insisted, and I forced my eyes up to meet hers. I don't know what she saw in my eyes, but hers became the color of slate as we looked at each other in silence.

"Did you sleep with her?" she asked softly, her voice catching slightly.

"Kelly, no! No, I didn't sleep with her," I said, squeezing her hands tightly.

"Well, what, then?" she asked. "Please, Katie, you're killing me here. Tell me what happened."

I forced myself to keep looking into her eyes and I held her hands tighter as I said, "I didn't sleep with her, but something did happen."

I could tell what an effort it was, but Kelly held herself still and asked "What?"

"Honey...I...when I went over there, I was so angry at her I could hardly see straight. I went to confront her about some photos of me she has in her show at the gallery..."

"What?!" Kelly exclaimed.

"I'll tell you about that later. Anyway, when I got to her place and she let me in, it was so strange. I was pacing back and forth, yelling at her, and she just sat there and watched me. She never said a fucking word."

"Okay. So then what?"

"Well, after I stopped, she asked me if I was really mad about the photos, or because she had disappeared without letting me know where she went..."

"And?"

"I didn't know what to say, so I just stood there. She came over to me and...and she..."

"She what, Kate?" Kelly asked, her voice ragged and breaking slightly.

"Kelly, god, I didn't mean for it to happen! She started kissing me, and touching me, and I couldn't move!"

I heard the sharp intake of her breath as Kelly gasped and pulled her hands from mine. She looked at me, her face drained of color, and I fully expected her to explode, but all she said was, "Just tell me what happened. Please."

I took a deep breath and told her everything, including when Jordan said she'd never loved Toby like she loved me. Through it all she sat quietly, hands held together, her eyes never leaving my face as she strained to understand. I longed to reach out for her, but I knew it was better to leave her alone and finish talking.

When I was through, she just sat there quietly, staring at her hands. I remained silent, giving her time to organize her thoughts. My heart was pounding as I sat and waited through the unbearable silence.

At length, just as I was about to open my mouth and say something, she took a deep breath and said, "Did you...did she...did she make you...?" She stopped, unable to finish the sentence.

I sat, stunned. I hadn't told her how things ended, only that I'd left Jordan's loft and had come straight home. A part of me had shied away from that final detail, hoping to lessen the impact of what had happened, but I knew now I couldn't keep it from her.

"Kelly, I..."

"DID you?" she asked again, her eyes locked on mine.

I looked away. "Yes," I whispered softly.

A soft moan escaped from between her clenched teeth, and I looked up to see a single tear work its way down her cheek to the corner of her mouth. I wanted with all my soul to reach up and brush it away, but I kept still and waited for her to speak.

She got up and walked over to the sink, bracing herself on it and standing with her back to me.

"Do you love her?" she asked softly.

I opened my mouth to speak, but once again my words dried up in my throat.

At my silence, she turned to look at me, a sad smile on her face.

"You don't know, do you?"

"I can tell you I love you, Kelly. I know that much."

"But it's not enough, is it?" she asked, the sad smile still on her face. I could see tears shining in her eyes, but she stubbornly refused to let them fall.

I stood up and walked over to her, unable to be apart from her any longer. She watched me coming toward her, arms crossed in front of her chest as if hugging her heart. I stopped in front of her and stood close, leaning forward until our bodies were touching. Her arms were still crossed, but I put my hands around her shoulders and pulled her into me.

"Kelly," I whispered in her ear, "I love you. Please, please tell me what to do to make this better."

She resisted my embrace for a long moment, but I held her until she uncrossed her arms and put them loosely around my waist. When I felt her do that, I closed my eyes in relief and pulled her in tighter. She sighed heavily and let me hold her for a moment, then began to gently pull away. I let go of her reluctantly and stepped back a little. She still looked pale and drained, but her face was more composed and she was able to look at me without wincing.

I wanted to say something, but the look on her face stopped me. My mind was spinning, whirling around as I realized I had no idea what would happen next. Kelly stood there with her arms crossed again, then pushed past me and walked out of the kitchen into the living room without saying a word. After a moment I followed her and sat down across from her on the couch.

She was sitting in a chair, leaning forward, her elbows on her knees with her hands clasped under her chin. She looked at me for a long moment when I sat down.

"Kate," she said quietly, "I need to ask you something."

"Anything, honey," I replied, my heart beginning to thud.

She took a deep breath. "Are you still in love with Jordan?"

I sat there looking at her, the word NO resounding in my head, but I was unable to speak.

Kelly's face, so calm and composed, closed up and her eyes froze me out.

"You can't answer me, can you?" she asked. I was silent, pleading her with my eyes to understand. She sat up straighter in her chair after a long moment of silence, then abruptly stood up and began walking into the bedroom.

"Kelly..." I said reaching for her as she walked past me.

She pulled her arm out of my grasp and looked directly into my eyes. I was expecting to find anger there, but all I could see was a great sadness that nearly undid me.

"Kate, I love you. I am so much in love with you that sometimes I can hardly breathe when I think about you. Do you know that?" she asked, her chin quivering.

"Yes," I whispered.

"I know what Jordan means to you, Kate. I've always known, even when you protested that it wasn't so, but I was hoping what you and I have built would be enough to make you forget about her. I can see now that I was wrong."

"No, Kelly," I said, stepping closer to her. She moved back and, frustrated, I stopped.

"Kate, please. This is hard enough as it is. Jordan has some sort of hold over you, and I don't think you will ever be free to truly love anyone else until you follow that path to its end."

"What are you saying?" I asked softly.

She took a deep breath, then stepped over to me and hugged me tightly. My arms went around her and I could feel her strength as she held me.

"What are you saying?" I repeated softly in her ear.

I felt her hand on the back of my head as she put her lips next to my ear.

"I'm saying you need to see this thing through, Kate."

I made a noise in my throat and tried to pull away from her, but she held me more tightly and kept speaking into my ear.

"Katie, you're not free. You never have been, no matter how much I've wanted you to be. I think you and I can have a future together, but we'll never know that unless you're free of Jordan."

She pulled back and looked at me. Tears were standing in her eyes, but she stubbornly refused to let them fall.

"I can't live with that uncertainty. Now that Jordan is back and has made it clear how she feels about you, I need to know one way or the other how you really feel. I don't want to wake up one morning and find you've left me for her, Kate. I can't allow myself to be put through that."

"No," I was shaking my head. "No, Kelly, I love YOU. Jordan had her chance, and she left. I don't know what today was all about, and I will spend the rest of my life making this up to you if you'll let me. You've got to believe that I love you, Kelly. Please don't leave."

She smiled and put her hand gently on my cheek.

"I know you want to believe that, honey. I want to believe it, too, but right now I can't. I need to go away and give you time to think about this, because your decision needs to be made freely. You can't do that when I'm around."

She looked at me sadly for a moment, then walked into the bedroom and began taking clothes out of her drawers. It was too much for me to bear, so I turned and went into the music room, closing the door behind me.

I heard the door to the music room open a short time later but didn't turn around. I sat with my back to the door, then felt Kelly's warm hands on my shoulders. I sat still, my head down, and she leaned over and kissed the back of my neck.

"I just wanted to tell you goodbye, Kate," she said.

"Where will you go?" I asked.

"I'll be around," she said.

I turned to look at her. "How will I know where to find you?"

"We'll find each other, if that's what is supposed to happen," she said. She leaned down and kissed me gently, then walked out of the room. I stared after her until I heard the door close, then got up and went into the bedroom. It looked so strange, her closet empty and things missing from the top of her dresser. I walked over to my dresser and looked at a picture there. It was of the two of us, taken on a camping trip to Colorado we'd gone on a few months ago. We had backpacks on and were looking at each other, both of us laughing and seemingly carefree. Slowly, sadly, I took the frame and put it face down at the bottom of one of my drawers.

I walked back into the living room and sat on the couch, trying to think. I had no idea what to do next. Kelly was gone, and I didn't know where. Calling Jordan was the last thing I wanted to do, in spite of what Kelly had said. I felt totally at a loss, and even sitting down at the piano did no good. After a few hours of sitting and staring at the wall, I turned on the television and lay down on the couch until sleep finally overtook me.

I felt hands on my body, caressing me slowly the way I like it. I was naked under the blanket I'd covered up with, and the hands on me were cool and gentle. I sighed and moved slightly, my legs parting open as the hands moved up the inside of my thighs. I felt a gentle tickling as hands stroked the silky hair between my legs, then they moved up my body. The blanket slid slowly off of me and my nipples became erect in the cool air. I arched my back and pushed my breasts into the hands caressing me there, and I felt my nipples being rolled gently back and forth between strong fingers. A small sound escaped my throat as I felt a warm mouth enclose my breast, the tongue swirling around my nipple. I could feel a gentle sucking there and my body responded with an answering wetness between my legs. One hand moved down my body, stroking the wetness and moving in circles around my clit. I tried to open my eyes but I couldn't, the feelings coursing through my body taking all my energy.

My hips began to move back and forth, the mouth still sucking on my breast, but now with more urgency. I could hear myself moaning, the hand between my legs moving faster now, sometimes sliding inside me, sometimes moving my clit back and forth. My hands were clenched in the fabric of the couch as my body began to build towards its climax. I came with a gasp, sitting up and forcing my eyes open. I was breathing hard, my heart racing...and I was alone. I looked around, my body lightly covered in sweat, and I shivered in the cold. The blanket had slipped down to the floor, so I leaned over to pick it up and wrap it around me. I had never had a dream that felt so real, and I had certainly never had an orgasm in my sleep. Lying back on the couch, snugly wrapped in the blanket again, I tried to remember the dream. I tried to picture who had been making love to me, but I drifted back to sleep before I figured it out.

The next couple of weeks were pretty strange. Kelly didn't call, and since I had no idea where she was, I couldn't call her. The temptation to call her cell phone was tremendous, but I forced myself to respect her wish to be left alone. I walked through the days in a fog, going through my daily routine mechanically and falling into bed at night, hoping for dreamless sleep. It reminded me of how I was when Jordan first disappeared, only this time I was able to function more or less normally until I got home. Although I was very confused and upset, I managed to act fairly normal around people, so it was easy to get away with not explaining what was bothering me. To those few who noticed that I looked tired, I blamed it on a hectic rehearsal schedule.

One day, about three weeks after Kelly left, I found myself with some unexpected free time. Rehearsal had been cancelled due to the illness of the conductor, so I ended up at Celestial Beans again, reading the latest Nevada Barr novel as I sipped my hot chocolate. It had grown chilly outside, and the warmth of the steaming mug felt good on my hands.

I was completely engrossed in my book when I heard someone call my name. Startled, I looked up and saw my cellist friend Jacob and some of the same people I'd been sharing coffee with the day I heard Jordan had an exhibit up. Jacob invited me over to sit with them, and after a brief hesitation I joined them.

There was much speculation that our conductor was suffering from a hangover rather than being ill, but I wasn't paying much attention to the conversation. I was so far away in my own thoughts that I failed to notice some of the women in the group talking intently among themselves, casting furtive glances toward me. I sat there half-listening to the conversation, and had just decided to excuse myself when Laurie, one of the women in the group, spoke up.

"Kate, can I ask you something?" she asked, almost shyly.

"Of course," I said, snapping my attention back to the present.

"Well," she said, glancing at her friends. "We've all been wondering...have you seen the Jordan Stuart exhibit yet?"

"I..." I stammered, feeling like I'd been slapped in the face. I knew there was no way out of this, so I said, simply, "Yes."

"So...is that you? In those photos?" she asked.

I sighed. "Yes."

There was a rustling among everyone, and I squirmed uncomfortably under their scrutiny.

"I knew it!" Laurie said, turning to one of her friends. She looked back at me. "Why didn't you tell us you were part of the exhibit?"

"Well, mainly because I didn't know," I replied, feeling my face grow hot.

"You didn't know?" she asked, puzzled. "How could you not know?"

"I hadn't seen Jordan in a couple of years. I didn't even know she was back in town until Jacob told me about the exhibit last time we were here."

"Wow," Laurie said. "I bet you were surprised to see your photo there."

"You have NO idea," I said wryly, causing some laughter. I smiled and began to relax.

"Well, after Laurie told me about those photos, I went back to see them. They weren't up the first time I was there," Jacob said to me. "She said they were of you, but I didn't believe her until I saw them for myself. God, Kate, they're beautiful."

"Thank you," I said. "The first time I saw them was when I went to see the exhibit."

"Jesus," Jacob whistled.

"Yeah. I confronted her after I'd seen the exhibit. I was pretty angry at her."

"Why?" Laurie asked. "If anyone ever took pictures like that of ME, I'd want them published in magazines!"

There was general laughter at her remark, and I found myself laughing as well.

"It's a long story," I said, not willing to go into it. "I was just very surprised, especially since she didn't ask my permission first."

There were a few more comments about the quality of the photos (much to my embarrassment), and soon several people stood up to leave. I remained there, talking to Jacob and Laurie until we were the only three left, then Jacob stood and excused himself, saying his girlfriend was expecting him. Laurie sat with me for a while longer, and we talked about things like the music we were working on for the upcoming concert and the speculation that the conductor was soon going to be replaced.

Eventually, she sat back and said, "Kate, I know we don't know each other very well, but I was wondering if I could ask you something."

"Sure," I said.

"It's pretty personal."

"Go ahead," I said, knowing what was coming next.

"Well...those photos...they were so intimate and personal. The look in your eyes, the expression on your face..."

"Yes," I said.

"Well...were you involved with Jordan Stuart?"

I looked at her, searching, but all I saw in her face was an honest curiosity.

"It's that obvious, is it?" I asked, sighing deeply.

"Well, those photos don't leave much to the imagination. The emotion there is so raw, so...I don't know...exposed, I guess. They caused quite a stir when we saw them."

"Oh, god," I said, putting my head in my hands.

"What?" Laurie asked, concerned.

"Well, I told Jordan I wanted them taken down. I told her how hard it would be for me, especially since I work around here. I guess she didn't listen."

"I don't know why you're so worried. Those pictures are incredible, Kate. You should be flattered."

"I guess I'm more concerned about the general public knowing I'm gay," I said, surprising myself by admitting it to this near stranger.

"Oh, well," she said. "It's not like you're the first gay musician ever, you know. Some of the best musicians in this orchestra are gay."