Part IV
When it's time, you know it.
After weeks of thought, internal debates and secret love affairs. I had decided it was time for a divorce. There was no denying it, I was absolutely in love with Debbie and as her release date drew closer, I wanted to be with her.
One stormy night I got home from work to find my husband alone in the house. He told me the kids were at grandmas for dinner and a sleep over, so he and I could talk. The frog in my throat leapt and I swallowed hard, believing my little secret was out and I had been caught.
"Carly," he spoke. "I have something to talk to you about and I'd like you to sit down."
Still quite nervous that my goose was cooked I gurgled out, "Okay," and sat down in the chair across from him.
"Carly," he spoke. "I am sorry. But I have been having an affair behind your back. And I am in love with another woman, who I want to spend my life with. I am sorry it happened, but all the hours you work, all the times you run late, all the times I leave before you're awake and all the nights I go to bed alone, led me to another. I am sorry. But today, I filed for divorce."
My heart skipped a beat for several reasons. First and most importantly, he didn't catch me in my affair. And two, who the hell was this woman he was sleeping with? Hubby went on to tell me that all the lonely nights, lack of sex, lack of desire, lack of passion, lack of me being around, him having the kids constantly... In all essence, "Lack of Everything," drove him into the arms of another woman.
I wanted to start screaming and yelling. I wanted to be the scorned poor wife, who was getting left behind. I wanted to get up and throw shit around the house. I wanted to have that good 'ole fashioned Domestic Disturbance and have it out. But inside I knew he was right. And more importantly, for just about two months now I have been sleeping with (as best as possible) a woman in my Penitentiary, who I was absolutely in love with. So, I was no one to talk about having affairs or falling for someone else.
I guess when it's time, you know it. We sat peacefully and talked until the early morning hours. I knew it was time. Hell, I had already made up my mind before this news, that I was going to file for divorce myself, so why fight this. In my mind I thought, "Hey, he's admitted his faults, admitted his love for someone else; told me the truth (more than I can say for myself) and told me he wants out and is starting the process. As saddening as deflating as it was to hear this after all these years. How shocking and surprisingly as it came, it opened the door for me to be single and focus in on other things. And on another person.
There have been many of loveless nights in the Jenkins residence. Too many times we weren't there for each other, too many nights of being in bed together, only to rollover and go to sleep, instead of keeping our love alive. Too many times, we both slept alone. We have been together for a long time, and sometimes love just fades. And sometimes -- as it appears for both of us -- we fell in love with someone else.
The nest morning, I was called by the Warden at home prior to heading in. He apologized greatly, but told me due to staffing shortages, I was being shifted to afternoons. I was now going to be working 3:00 P.M. until 11:00 P.M. until further notice. I wasn't really happy about it. But it kept me out of the house when hubby was home and gave us our space to not argue and bicker, hold hostility and make matters worse.
The first chance I got that afternoon arriving at 3:00 P.M. was to go see Debbie. I about leapt into her cell as she was cleaning up her area.
"Hey." I whispered. "I got good news."
"Yah, what's that?" She asked.
"Hubby told me last night, he wants a divorce!"
Her eyes lit up and a smile came across her face as big as could be. But then the happiness in her eyes, turned to fear.
"He didn't find out about us, did he?" She asked.