I crashed early when I got home. I just went back to the flat, said 'hi' to Alli and was in bed by nine thirty. I felt strangely drained and not quite up to talking to anyone. I was having a bit of a what-the-fuck-am-I-doing moment. The weirdness of the evening and how I felt about it had just knocked a bit of the stuffing out of me. Do I really know what I am doing with my life?
Pay attention, Sal. I DID know what I was doing, and I was okay with it. Better than okay. I felt in control. For fuck sake, without this I would be working in Tesco or full time at the bar and would not be in the top 10% of my class. I was in control.
As for the sex acts, blowjobs, head or whatever I chose to do that I got paid for, I called the shots. So, I got paid to get guys off? Big deal. No kissing, ever. Certainly, absolutely, positively none of the Horny Geeks would every fuck me, no matter how much money they offered. When their dicks were in my mouth, I was in charge. I didn't want, or really need the extra money for full-on sex with these guys (they would all bite at that for sure). Yeah, money was tight and another couple of regulars would help, but the studies came first, and it just meant my life was a little frugal. Like having to share a flat. That made things tricky, but I was in control of that too.
It was different with Angela and that annoyed me. I was angry with her. I went to bed angry. The way she paid was so...transactional. I stupidly thought we had a moment and yet it was cold in the end. I was angry and fell asleep swearing that my experience with eating pussy had come and gone. Hey, easy 60 quid, move on Sal. Get that essay done and ace it again. You are a fucking rock star, Sally Wilson.
I was calmer the next morning. I was up at six, which was normal when I wasn't working at the bar. I liked to get to bed early and get myself ready for the day before my flatmates were up. Then I'd be first in the university library, which opened at seven and I get the same seat on the fourth floor in the corner. That was my base for the day. Off to classes and back to the library. Had a lunchtime blowjob appointment? Back to the library afterwards.
That morning it gave me a chance to have a word with myself in the cold light of day and over a strong coffee. I realised that I wasn't angry with Angela, she had done nothing wrong. I was angry with me. I needed a bit of a talking to and a kick up the arse.
Okay. Let's look at the facts, here girl. You have a new member, and that's a good thing. A paying customer, remember. She seemed to enjoy it, so there is more cash to come. That's also good. You were in a new thing, pussy is not your home turf, so you let some latent, erotic fantasy poke through. That's done. Move on. Angela is also just nice, so you just got a whole bunch of emotions all mixed up. A friend... but she isn't. Throw in eating her pussy and no wonder there was a freak out. Get over it. Done. Get professional.
I felt better. I'd wanted to shrug it off, so I did. It was shrugged. I had a weird moment, because let's face it licking another girl to orgasm for hard cash is fucking weird for the girl who was voted "most likely to succeed" in her comprehensive school yearbook. I smirked to myself at the thought. I was in business, and Angela was a customer. Her genitals were irrelevant. I liked that as a way of thinking. I had got my head in a great place. To be honest, and I only realised this quite a bit later, what I'd really done was a great piece of self-deception.
I sent a message. I was good at customer service.
"Hi Angela. Hope last night was all you wanted it to be. It seemed so from my end! Thanks ever so much for the fast payment, I appreciate that. For future appointments, as much notice as possible is always good, but I can sometime be available quickly if that's what you need! Sally x"
Send.
Done. All normal.
The rest of the day was full on, but I had all the energy I needed to take in on at full Sally intensity. I was in the library as usual at seven and made a breakthrough on my essay when I found a high court precedent that just confirmed my argument perfectly. I literally punched the air. (Hey, just because I used the term geek slightly pejoratively to describe my customer base, doesn't mean to say that I didn't have some of that geek stuff going on too). By mid-afternoon I was on top of things, could go home and shower and get ready for an appointment with a dental student monthly regular called Keith at five. He wanted midnight after he'd been drinking with his mates, but I have no interest in alcohol playing it's delaying role in proceedings and, anyway, midnight is well past my bedtime. He came round quickly to spending the evening with his friends knowing he'd been satisfied by a 'babe' before his tea. What a dork.
Keith was one of the possibly falling in love with me but hadn't pushed it enough to get binned members. He stayed on the right side of the line, because he was very shy and sweet but mainly because he was stupidly rich and always tipped massively. After his half hour, I would head back to the library, finish up and home to bed.
The library is important because of my new living arrangements. In first year, I was in the halls of residence, which meant I lived on a block of single rooms and there were 20 other students on my floor alone. I came and went looking hot as often as I wanted. I was only on 'hi' terms with the others on my floor, and my real friends, the people whose perceptions I cared about were in a different building. So, the idea of a pretty girl dressed up to go out on dates was nothing out of the ordinary. I didn't have to think twice. I never had any of the geek club round to mine, as that seemed just too close to home. Yeah, I know always going to theirs was a risk, but the vetting was so good I never felt threatened. What it all meant was that my own private life was just that. Private.
When I went into second year I moved out of the halls and I had to find my own accommodation. That meant sharing a flat, so it was inevitable I would share with Alli and someone else. That was a girl on her history course called, Sarah. Sarah was great and the three of us bumped along very well as flatmates. Never argues about the dished and loved to hang out and watch Netflix. However, they knew I didn't have a boyfriend (that gets awkward eventually) and popping out for an hour looking amazing to then come home and shower would be strange, and just maybe require a story.
The library was my way out. I spent all day there studying and went to lectures and appointments from that base. That meant that on many days I had to go to the library looking rather more fabulous that the library warranted, but at the same time much rather less fabulous for the appointments than I would have liked. It was a fashion compromise, always. None of the Horny Geek Club ever noticed, of course and Alli only once twigged that I was wearing more short skirts than usual.
"You trying to impress someone at the library, Sal?"
"Ha! I've just got great legs, honey, why hide them all the time?" Not a great comeback but did the job. I knew I would need to tell Alli at some stage. I hated lying to her. She is still the nicest person I have ever met.
Given that she was happy at the flat end, and the geeks were happy, it was yet another Sally sex industry masterclass. I was getting good at this.
I finished with Keith and was walking back to the library. I liked the walk. He lived near the university, and it was a lovely early spring evening. I felt my phone go in my bag and picked it out. It was from Angela.
"Hi Sally. Thanks for being so super cool. It was ALL I wanted it to be and more! I am a veeerrry happy geek."
I smiled at that part of the message. It not only meant a lot to me to genuinely satisfy my geeks, but I thought she'd put it in a cute way. There was more in the message.
"I know this is short notice, but are you available tomorrow (Friday) at 5.45, by any chance? Angela x"
Wow. Lots going on there. First off, who under the age of 45 puts the day in brackets? Second, that is as short a time between appointments as the early days with Martin when he first discovered the joy of the blowjob. Third that is a fucking specific time to want oral sex.
I stopped and stared at it for a minute. Hell, I was free. My essay was due in by five the next day (Friday) and I would have it done by lunchtime in any case. Weirdly specific 5.45 would give me time to get ready for my Friday evening. Me, Alli and Sarah were going out for dinner as a flatmates date night at 7.30. All good.
"I love a happy geek! Yes, I can do tomorrow. See you then at the flat. Sally xx"
I continued walking, a little quicker now and got back to my desk in the library. I dived straight back into the data protection violation essay I was absolutely nailing and didn't allow myself to think any of the questions that were drifting into my head.
"Why was I excited for this appointment?" Whoops, drifted in, but I sure wasn't going to answer it. Immediately dismissed and back to the books.
I stayed in the library until it was closed. 10pm. I got back to the flat and popped into the living room. Alli and Sarah were sharing a bottle of wine and Sarah asked me to join. I was tired but she seemed keen, so I did, although I refused the last glass in the bottle. Way too late for me to be drinking.
Sarah's dickhead of a boyfriend was being a dickhead again. The only reasons she was still with him was because it as easy, he had a nice car and he took her places with the roof down (shallow, and she knew it), he was impossibly good looking, and best of all he was a great shag. Trouble is she suspected at least one other girl was getting the last benefit at the same time. I just found him a bit creepy. Never liked to say, but so did Alli.
We chatted and she resolved to leave him. She wouldn't and we knew. Then Alli turned her attention to me.
"Sal, I just met the most perfect guy for you today!"
"Oh, Alli, I don't have time. You know that. Full on, bar and studies, blah blah blah." Conversation closed.
"You have needs, though, don't you?" Said Sarah, smiling. She put up with a total arsehole for her needs, so she knew what she was talking about.
I couldn't deny it. I was horny a lot. It was frustrating, but I remembered what Angela has said about Tinder and bars being hard work. They were. So much disappointment for so little return. I had tried briefly over the summer and hated it. Rare, shit sex and not a single click with anyone. I didn't have fuckbud potential anywhere, and, I suspected they would fall in love with me anyway. Or think they had. Boys had said they'd fallen in love a lot to me, and I knew it was because they loved what their eyes told them. Smoking hotness brings a problem with sincerity.
"I have Mr Rabbit in my room and he's plenty for me..." I lied badly.
"What is wrong with you, girl?" Alli asked in her maternal serious caring voice. This was now a difficult and unexpected moment. She didn't laugh at my little vibrator joke. She was doing this because she cared about me. Oh fuck.
I knew what was wrong. A love life was a bit of the Groucho Marx thing for me. He had said he wouldn't want to be a member of a club that would have him as a member. I didn't want to have a boyfriend who was happy that his girl was sucking dick for money. I know, I was mentally cool with what I was doing. I had come to terms with it over and over. It just wasn't something to necessarily be proud of or tell anyone.
I could do something casual and lie. I just knew that was not going to be a good path to go down. What if I started liking him? The lie would be a massive elephant in a small room. I couldn't go back and tell the truth, could I? I certainly couldn't stop. No way was I going to kill myself in a bar six nights a week. Two- and a-bit years to go, I wind up the Horny Geek Club and start an amazing career and everything else will fall in to place. I had a plan. A boyfriend was too much of a complication and dating was too time consuming and pointless. I couldn't say that, though.
"Sal, I'm sorry, I can see this is uncomfortable and I really don't want to make you uncomfortable. You work so hard and you just never seem to allow any time for yourself to have much fun at all. I'm not saying that means a boyfriend, but we hardly see you either."
