It was past midday and the sea-front restaurants and bars were filling up fast. Everyone was seeking the shade. The flags on the war memorial hung limp against the flagpoles. Past the war memorial the less fashionable part of the seafront promenade began. Here were the fast food places, burgers and French fries and the cheaper bars where those working on the seafront went to drink and escape from the tourists. It also marked the start of a long line of beach huts. Wooden huts that had only recently been hauled from storage and set in place for the summer season. They all had fanciful names like Odette, Bel Air, Les Ballons... and fanciful colours too, some bright but mostly blue-grey and subdued. The huts were merely symbols of their owners' colourless lives.
Suzy leaned against the doorway of her parents' hut and tried to let the fierceness of the sun cauterise the roots of her anger. There was a song. There was a line something like "The sun poured down like honey on our lady of the harbour." She whispered the words to herself. Suzy had a way of talking herself in whispers. The sun was already beginning to blister the freshly painted wood releasing an acrid smell of linseed oil and tar. Suzy hated the smell. It was the smell of every family summer holiday, every birthday. This was her eighteenth and she had spent long nights planning that it would be her last.
The heat was making her dizzy so Suzy slid through the narrow gap between the hut and the one beside it. The gap was narrow but Suzy was narrow too, a lanky leggy waif. Once through the gap she found herself in the cool empty space behind the huts. This was her domain. In this alleyway Suzy's life was formed. It was here that she first found blood in her panties. It was here that she first made herself come. It was also here, hidden between the concrete wall and the huts that Suzy had squatted down and let a brand new stainless steel razor blade make pretty little cuts on the tops of her thighs. Red on white. Please let the red come. Let it wash away the pain. No orgasm had ever managed that.
That was over now. The hospital, the medication, the strategies for when the pain came. A diary had been kept. Even a 'buddy' had been available, a weird woman who believed heaven existed. Every effort had been made. Suzy felt the rush of anger and pressed her forehead against the cool wood work and let out a silent scream. Despite the bruised knees, bruised fists, somehow she clung to a private joy. The knowledge that her body was no longer her enemy. Her body had become her lover. These days Suzy met her lover in secret and the love she found was sweet and fulfilling.
Every few metres there was a gap between the huts and the sun sliced through in a blinding flash and then darkness returned again. Blinding light, total darkness. The flashes confused her, troubled her. She punched the wood panel beside her, hard enough to break the skin and draw blood. Someone shouted from inside the hut.
Suzy started running. She loved the way her blood was coursing through her veins. She loved the way the sunlight flashed across her bare legs. She was not a freak. She could be beautiful one day. She ran faster and faster. The movement excited her. She wanted it to go on and on until she had come to the end of everything.
Suzy half closed her eyes as she ran. In the distance she saw a silhouette, mirror images leaning against the opposite sides of the alley. Two people were blocking the path, each with a knee raised, a foot against the wall, heads turned towards Suzy. Out of the light and into the darkness again. Closer now and confrontation was unavoidable. Two girls, older than Suzy. Wild black curly hair and smooth skin, tanned and dark.
Suzy stopped running and walked slowly now. School in London had equipped Suzy with certain abilities in situations like this. She walked with a measured even step, a certain sway of the hip to demonstrate confidence. Eye contact only at the last moment.
Now her heart was pumping hard. Suzy felt a tightness at the bottom of her stomach where she imagined her womb was. Then one girl spoke and the suddenly everything became open and clear. Maybe this is how it ends thought Suzy.
"Hey English girl!" The girl leaning against the concrete wall spoke first.
"Hey!" Replied Suzy as confidently as she could manage.
"Drink?" Said the girl holding a bottle in front of Suzy's face.
"Sure, why not?"
The liquor burned her throat but she managed to show no sign. It was strong, but not like whisky or vodka. It tasted different to the shots she had tried at home. Then the other girl grabbed the bottle and drank thirstily. Then an argument broke out. They shouted at each other in their own language. It didn't seem to about the liquor but something else. The girl who had spoken first kept pointing at Suzy and shouting something at the other girl. There was no way to get past without a fight. Then the shouting stopped as if an agreement had been reached, and for some reason Suzy felt she was part of the bargain.
"Come with us English girl. You can call me Dika, she is Mala."
Dika held out a slim brown hand and Suzy took it. Their eyes met. Dika's eyes were dark brown. Without either girl being aware of it something was exchanged in that meeting of eyes. Suzy turned to the other girl but Mala had already gone further ahead and was lost in the heat haze.
Suzy thought that the girls were probably gitanes from the south of the country, Roma gypsies some called them. They lived precarious lives and were well known for the ferocity with which they protected their culture and each other. Mostly they were hated and feared. Perhaps because of their extraordinary beauty, and their music and their dance and all of their art. Their art was entirely about sex.
Later, much later, Suzy would learn that these girls were from Marseille and it was in those narrow streets around the old harbour they had learned their particular trade. The liquor made Suzy feel less afraid. No more words were spoken as Suzy was led through the narrow canyon of concrete and wood. Her heart had stopped pounding and she felt better, better than she had all day. It was good to have a hand to hold.
Beyond the huts she could hear the sound of children playing, parents calling, a busker playing but in the shadows the three girls occupied a separate world. A world driven by their own private energy, the lust for life and truth and beauty and sensual and unusual pleasures.
They had reached the end of the alley. Suzy's hand was released and the girl pulled at a wooden slat and they scrambled through the gap into a small area of scrubland.
"Come Suzy". Said Dika
"How do you know my name?" Suzy asked. Dika laughed then she pointed meaningfully to the other girl. "She is Mala. Good girl. Very good with her hands... " and Dika laughed again. It seemed to be a private joke.
They all had to dig their bare toes deep into the soft sand to climb the steep dune. The sand on the surface was burning hot but beneath the surface the sand was cold. A breeze spun the loose sand away from their feet as they climbed. The gypsy girls were strong and the muscles stood out on their bare legs as they climbed the slope. Suzy could not climb as fast and the now the girls were far above her on the slope.
Once at the top of the mound Suzy looked around at the endless deserted dunes. Suzy felt that she could be anywhere on earth. The sounds of the seafront were lost behind them. A warm wind was blowing and Suzy knew she had crossed into a different world. Dika put her arm around Suzy's shoulders and Suzy felt she knew what it meant. It was almost like feeling safe. She had not felt safe for a very long time.
"Come Suzy." Said Dika. "This is home." And there, in front of them, on a patch of flattened sand stood a shack. The shack was built of driftwood and corrugated iron.
"I show you." Dika said and held out her hand. Mala ran ahead, her black mane wild in the wind and Dika and Suzy watched the girl running.
"Please know this English girl, Mala not good here." Dika said as she tapped the side of her head and frowned. "Mala is her own journey. But it is OK ... you will see." And then in a whisper. "She will make you very happy soon."
And then Dika smiled a smile of such radiance that it too Suzy's breath away. From that moment and for a very long time to come Suzy would love Dika. She had no power to stop it. Dika had entered her life, her real life. It was the life Suzy understood. The life she lived when her door was locked, and she undressed and stood in front of her mirror and meekly surrendered to her body's demands.
