WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
In the aftermath of her encounter with Birgit, Rachel takes us to the end of her story, covering her wedding and day to day life with Birgit.
Well it looks like I have some catching up to do! My daughter has surged ahead with her account while I've been doing other things, all good things I might add. We had a dinner party with Anna and her partner Astrid because we won't see them for six weeks, they're going to Europe and the U.K for some sightseeing and quality time together. When I told them about what I was writing about Anna chuckled.
"I've agreed to write about my encounters," she told me.
"When?" I asked her.
"Soon enough, it's not like I'll be too busy to write."
Anna and Astrid are heading off to the UK and Europe for six weeks, so somehow she'll find time enough to write. And now back to the story. I reread one of Tess's earlier accounts this morning and decided to take a leaf out of her book and compress as much time as possible and just write in detail about certain events and things.
I got to reminiscing about our honeymoon and while that was a wonderful holiday and yes we did get some private time, there was another honeymoon that Tess only hinted at because everything happened out of sight and out of mind. It's a mum thing, if you want time alone with your partner you devise all kinds of methods to get the kids out of the way or suitably engaged with something else so that you can do your thing. Granted we never put Vaseline on the doorknobs but we certainly found some inventive ways to keep Paul and Tess happy. All that fizzled out by the time Tess turned three though, by then I'd realised that all the great ideas about spending time alone with Lewis were all coming from me, he was just playing along.
That was not the case with Birgit though, she was definitely the one who chased me, not that I needed much convincing to duck over for a few wines or just to 'help' her out. After so many years playing with Mrs. Palmer and her five daughters while Lewis was out playing with other women I was like a woman unleashed. I'd broken the drought and there's nothing like that feeling of being wanted and desirable again. It isn't just the sex by the way, anyone with half a brain can masturbate to their heart's content, it's opening yourself up for another human being and trusting they're not going to hurt you.
Prior to getting together with Birgit I'd had homoerotic crushes on women for years but the bonds of marriage and my pride kept me from taking things further even though my old neighbour, Paula would have taken me to bed. I'd dropped quite a few pounds and with that came renewed energy and vitality. My mind had opened and I felt like someone stumbling out of a desert into a green oasis filled with wondrous delights.
One of my standard excuses for spending time alone with Birgit was the desire to learn Danish and as anyone who has tried learning Danish can testify, it's one of the hardest languages to learn. You do unnatural things with your mouth and feel ridiculously stupid when your Danish partner repeats the same sentence with ease. Birgit however was a very patient teacher and I was soon able to master some of the basic phrases. It would take another three years though before I became fluent in Danish.
Nevertheless, telling the children I was going across the road with Birgit to speak Danish did look somewhat suspicious considering that I was getting changed into different clothes. I had to fight the urge to put on a nice dress and just change into smart but casual clothes. That did change when Lewis had his access visits and I came to look forward to them because we had the whole weekend to spend with each other. I'd find myself planning for it a week in advance, deciding on what to wear and what we would eat. I would make sure the house was spotless Friday night because I wanted to spend as little time doing housework on those weekends as possible.
I discovered to my delight that Birgit was also on the same page although she was decidedly more efficient with housework, but she didn't have kids to look out for. She used to come up with suggestions of what we should do together or where we could go. One weekend we drove all the way to Phillip Island to see the penguin parade and another weekend we went up to the snow. Birgit thought it a novel idea to actually visit the snow instead of having the snow visit us the way it does in Copenhagen. I'd never been to the snow before so I truly was a virgin in that way, my God I was so bloody cold.
"How do you put up with this for months on end?"
"We cuddle," she put her arm around me, "eat cake and drink coffee, winter is a time for staying indoors and relaxing whenever you don't have to work."
That weekend we stayed in a chalet because Sue had agreed to have Sam stay at her joint for Saturday night and speaking of my sisters, they did know something was going on but I was so convinced that they were unaware. Sue later told me that they knew I was with someone because they could see it in my eyes, and in the absence of any men in my life it had to be Birgit who'd stolen my heart.
All honeymoons must come to an end though and mine came to a sudden halt the night Lewis blew his brains out. I'd been over at Birgit's house for one of our regular girls nights, a few glasses of wine, a little bit of food and a session in bed. The pinafore I wore that night was part of an ongoing role playing game that involved finding clothes to create a certain look. That night I was a naughty schoolgirl and she was my schoolgirl crush. Role playing was one of those things I'd always looked on with the same disdain as bondage. Sex was all about getting naked and the big O but with Birgit I felt as if I'd ascended to a higher plane.
The night Elke came around to tell me that Lewis had committed suicide I felt as if a part of me had died too because indirectly my actions had led to his final action. I know it's not my fault but even in the cold light of day it's hard not to blame yourself. I used to think that it took guts to end your life but I've come to believe that suicide is the ultimate act of selfishness. When you factor in the simple fact that humans naturally reach out to those in pain, and if we are able to help another through a crisis it makes us feel better. However taking your own life is virtually saying to your friends I don't need you, I don't want you and to make sure you can't help me I'm going to end my own life. I know that's an oversimplification as there are other factors at play too, the mind is a delicate thing, what makes some people stronger destroys others and vice versa. As much as I hated Lewis I would have reached out to at least guide him to get some help.
Birgit's presence in my life was what pulled me through my own grief and guilt. She never once tried to reason with me or offer up timely advice. She just said, "I'm here for you, lean on me and we'll walk through it together." When I was getting ready for the funeral she was in the bedroom and did my makeup for me because my hands were shaking.
"This is the worst day, but you're stronger than Eileen."
"You haven't met Eileen."
"I know but I've heard all about her. She's typical of the older generation. She comes from a land torn apart by hatred and religious fanatics. I've seen it for myself, they'll cross the road to avoid getting too close to someone from the other side."
"That'd be Eileen, she wanted a Catholic wedding and I insisted on a Protestant one," I stared at myself in the dressing table mirror, "she's never forgiven me for that one."
"You're not there for her," she told me, "you're there to support your children, they're the most important people in your life. She's just a transient who stayed too long. Stop giving her free rent in your head, you need the room to fill it up with other things."
