NOTE: All parties involved in this experience are over the age of twenty-one.
I wish to thank Lihle Nkosi for the kind and positive editing assistance.
*****
As a lesbian there have been times when female friends and on occasion colleagues have asked me about my sexuality. Usually it starts out in a very tentative, frequently embarrassed manner. Some start with poor attempts at delivering a lez type joke, others want to know but are embarrassed about how to approach the subject, doing a lot of verbal tippy-toeing around their point; asking, but in a very abstract way.
Then there's the more aggressive direct questioner:
"Well, don't you ever feel as though you want a real cock?"
The latter is the one approach I find condescending and insulting, it has within it the presumption that lesbians continuously walk around with a strap on, and all we do is diddle each other all day! I gotta tell yer, I fucking hate strap-on's, vibrators are great but straps, never!
I am more inclined to be receptive to the former approaches because I recognize that they are trying to show firstly an acceptance, but secondly a sensitivity which I find to be more honest. Many times the questioners are simply, and sincerely inquisitive but there have been others of whom the enquiries have been much more personal, expressing a true need to know, proving in the end to be latent lesbians who have struggled with their feelings and have never found a channel to fulfill their welling emotions, they are in fact, asking for help.
Thus it was with Teresa, a colleague with whom I became acquainted during my time at a previous Hospital of my employ. Teresa was twenty-two at this time, three years younger than I, and had qualified for the Register only six months previous. Slim build, really pretty blonde hair, dark green eyes, a wonderfully curvaceous body all wrapped within a gregarious and bubbly personality. Teresa loves to laugh and to be involved.
We had just finished our night shift on the surgical floor and were having breakfast in the Cafeteria. Teresa asked if I had a moment for a private chat, there was something really important that she needed to talk to me about. Unfortunately on that particular morning it was inconvenient, however, I told her,
"Look, were off tonight, so, if you're available this evening we could meet for a drink, would that work for you?"
It was an invitation which was met with true appreciation.
Thus it was that we met at a local Pub, but try as she could to get around to her concern, her tense nervousness was palpably obvious. Finally, I suggested:
"Look, why don't you come back to my place, this is obviously a subject you feel uncomfortable talking about and maybe a little more privacy would help?"
She agreed and off we went.
As I opened the apartment door I heard Caroline, also a nurse and my then partner, call out a "Helloooo." Unaware that we had company she greeted me in the lounge doorway with a kiss, it was then that she saw Teresa behind me; a broad smile on her face but obviously a little taken aback by the nature of Caroline's kiss. Never-the-less, the moment passed.
Naturally, Caroline knew of Teresa and was aware that she worked on the Female surgical ward, indeed, she liked all she had heard of her and had spoken to me about her before. Teresa, now away from a public environment quickly settled into a social conversation. It was quite obvious she adored her work and was enjoying the new found freedom of being qualified and out of the smothering effect of being a student.
Her inquisitive questions regarding the different specialties displayed a genuinely intelligent mind but it was beginning to become clear that her constant talking was an attempt to cover up her nervousness. Initially, I thought maybe she was unaware of the relationship between Caroline and myself; maybe nervous of being in the company of a lesbian couple; maybe the way I kissed Caroline had shocked her? However, over a couple of glasses of wine Teresa relaxed and when invited to join us for a Lasagna dinner already in the oven she readily accepted.
Over dinner the conversation moved away from work and we chatted about from where we all came, and our families. Teresa was visibly beginning to be much more relaxed and her humour was really coming to the fore, an area which I much appreciate as humour is a big part of my persona. I love to tell jokes and intersperse conversations with appropriate, or inappropriate, puns. In fact punning is a big part of English conversational humour! The bottom line is, we were all having a good time and the normality of conversation made for an entertaining interlude through dinner...
Cleared away we returned to the lounge, Caroline brought the wine with her and we all settled into comfortable chairs. Caroline and I sat side by side on the settee and Teresa in an armchair with her legs tucked up beneath her, a fact of which I was glad of as it meant she was feeling comfortable in our company even though Caroline and I were sat holding hands. Maybe it was our holding of hands, that a short while later prompted Teresa's opening enquiry...
"Would you two mind if I asked you a very personal question?"
In the back of my mind I had a flash thought, but Teresa continued:
"You two obviously feel a great deal for each other, have you lived with each other for very long?"
Looking at Caroline, we shared a wry smile and Caroline continued: "What you're really asking is 'Are we a lesbian couple'?" Teresa blushed but bravely continued:
"Yes. Yes I suppose I am."
"May I ask why you're asking the question?"
I never dreamt it could bring out all that then transpired!
Exhaling with a big "Whew..!" Teresa went on:
"Thank you, I am actually very relieved..."
She proceeded to tell us a story that although, as it must be, was very different in circumstance to our own it was also so; so familiar. Teresa continued, "As I grew into adolescence I became more and more aware that I always felt more comfort in the company of girls. I was very nervous of the feelings that I experienced about getting pleasure from seeing their bodies, everything was telling me that I was supposed to be enjoying the company of boys, and I tried to show an interest, really I did!"
"Although I 'sort of dated' at school it was never a real high spot of my life. I could even say I found it uncomfortable, I was never at ease and never allowed anything but the merest kiss, which I have to admit I didn't like, all those boys knew how to do was grab and grope!"
It was all really quite confusing because in the shower after gym or Hockey, I found myself getting excited about seeing my peers naked and should we brush against each other 'Wow!' Yes, we all laughed about those situations, but truthfully I loved those fleeting touches, I relished in the feeling of intimacy that it engendered within me, feelings that I also experienced during sleep overs, I would cuddle up as close as I dare to the girl sleeping beside me, I loved those moments!"
I smiled to myself and my own memories of just that same scenario!
Teresa continued: "One day, I was eighteen actually, I had found a copy of Playboy which belonged to my brother. I took it to my room and was getting tingly all over just looking at these naked women, but then my Mum came in... Mum was horrified that I should be looking at this stuff. She snatched it away and was very angry... I got out of the embarrassment of being caught with it by saying that I was only looking at the fashions, and besides, 'Mum;' they only have what I have!"
"Well that stuff is not for you my girl!"
