Teachers Pride

The bell rings to signal last period and she calls me back, telling me she had a few things to run by me about the newspaper. Believing her, I wait. Chad asks me if I want him to wait up for me, Ostrom gives me a look, and I know by the expression on her face, to say no to Chad.

"Go on without me, I don't want you to be late. Ostrom will write me a pass if need be," I say.

Ostrom just gives me a smirk. That "Nice save," look that we're all familiar with.

"Come with me to my office," she says.

The little office to the side of her room has always been considered her office. Many times when a substitute would be in for her, Chad, Renee, Jessica and I would go to her office and just chill for the period. Chad would talk about his gay life. I'd talk about my lesbian life. And Renee and Jessica talked about their straightness. In the office, windows engulfed the walls. And the whole front of the room was wide open. Just a door and more windows. Point being, there was no privacy whatsoever. The only thing private about the room was that, at the moment, no one else was to be in there. Ostrom and I made our way into the barren room. I knew whatever she had to talk to me about had to be important. Just by the way she closed to door behind her. I started to get nervous. Did I do something wrong? Was she okay? (She'd confided in me before about a recent health scare.) She sat down at the table. Then motioned for me to do the same. I did. I didn't know what to say. So I just waited for her to initiate the conversation. I'm usually this bubbly kid around her. Full of laughter, witty sarcasm, and corny jokes. Yep, that's me in a nutshell. I loved making Ostrom laugh every day. All day I looked forward to that class, and only that class. All because of her. She is married and just last year had a baby. The pit of my stomach dropped at the thought that something was wrong with little boy. Damn, just say something already.

"Soooo." I say. Lame? Yes. But the show had to get on the road.

"I have to talk to you." Her voice was stern.

My heart raced.

"You have my attention, Mrs. Ostrom," I reply.

"Bare with me," she says, "This isn't easy for me."

Oh gosh. I really did disappoint her. Here it comes. Does she want me to resign from the paper? Firing me, in a sense? I half smile, to comfort her in finding her words.

"Sarah..." her voice trails off.

"Yes, Mrs. Ostrom..."

Come on. Just get it over with. I can take it. I hear the nerves in her voice. At least I'm not the only one nervous.

"I've been married for over 7 years..."

What is she getting at?

"My husband has been the only serious relationship I ever had. And you see, this morning he accused me of cheating." My eyebrows involuntarily rise in shock. Is this just her confiding in me? I'd told her before she always could.

"Why would he accuse you of that?" The only response I could think of that would engage her to tell me more.

"My heart just hasn't been in it lately."

"Your marriage?" I ask.

"Yes." Silence.

"And there's someone else I'm starting to fancy. But I've never acted on it. And it's not like I'd even be able to...I'm so confused." She buries her face in her hands.

"Well, if you aren't happy Mrs. Ostrom, maybe you could talk to this new love interest? You never know how happy you could turn out to be."

"I can't."

She wasn't being mean in the way she said it. It was almost like a sigh in defeat that she couldn't.

"May I ask why?"

Finally, she removes her hands. Exposing that face that I so anxiously anticipate seeing every day.

"You can trust me, hon." I hope that was appropriate to say.

The ends of her mouth perk up a bit. Not exactly what I'd call a smile though.

"It's not that simple. Listen, I'm not a lesbian but...I have these feelings I cannot explain."

Woah. Did not see that coming. Mrs. Ostrom likes a girl?

"I've been there. That stage where you're just infatuated with a girl. You're not quite sure what to make of it. Never liked a girl before. Then, boom. What's this all about? I totally understand, Mrs. Ostrom."

I had to let her know that. It might help her to know that I've been in her shoes before.

"Exactly. You do understand, thank you."

I smile. "Of course."

"So, you're into a girl whose sexuality is unknown to you?"

"Not exactly."

"Then you know she's straight, for sure?"

"No..."

"She's gay then too?"

I don't get it. Why would she be so hesitant to let a girl know how she feels if she knows the girl won't be freaked out?

"Yes, well. At least, at one time she told me about a girlfriend of hers."

So did I, I thought to myself. That's why she's able to confide in me.

"You're not going to go for it?"

Mrs. Ostrom seemed to be holding back an important detail. The way she was answering my questions, something didn't seem right at all. Something was missing. That's all I knew.

"I'm trying to, there's just this big BUT that I'm hesitant to share with you."

"Oh, come on. You've told me this much and I'm still here. What makes you think that I won't be? I'll try to help you as best I can. Anything to make you happy, I'm here."

"See?" She says. More to herself, I think, than it was directed to me.

"I can't prolong this any longer," she sighs.

"My husband thinks I'm cheating...because all I've been thinking about is this female...student...of mine."

Student?! Oh my goodness. My mind and heart races. It's me. She likes me. Oh gosh. What do I do? What do I say? Should I assume?

"And does this student have a name?" I ask flirtatiously.

Mrs. Ostrom giggles. She seems glad that she don't have to say my name in order for me to get it. I turn beat red. In a good way. I've liked her for so long. Never thought that with a husband and a child, that I'd ever have a chance.

"Listen, I don't want to be the reason your marriage falls apart."

"Sarah...it obviously isn't much of a marriage if I'm looking and thinking of you to the point where my husband thinks I'm cheating on him. It's been falling apart for a while."

"I know...I'm sorry to hear...But you really think of me?"

"Absolutely; I know this is weird, I doubt you feel the same way about this old lady," she half chuckles, "but I've never been attracted to anyone so strongly."

"Mrs. Ostrom..." she flashes me a smile. My eyes are full of love and compassion.

"I really like you, too."

Every tension that was in the air broke. And we sat smiling into each other eyes for a few moments. Now what? I thought. She got up. And so I figured I would too. We simultaneously reach out to one another. It felt so good to take her into my arms. I never felt so close to anyone than at that exact moment. I scratch my phone number onto a piece of paper that lied on the table. Hugging her once more, I slip the paper into her pocket as I pull back from the embrace. Curious, she immediately pulls out the paper. Smiling at the seven digits, she asks,

"Will you be busy around 9?"

"I'll make sure I'm not."

"Needless to say, if this conversation gets repeated..."

"You have permission to kill me."

She laughs. "Okay. I will." I hear the sarcasm, yet a piece of her truly doubts me. I don't blame her. She doesn't know me.

"You'll learn to trust me."

And I never meant anything so much in my life. I make my way to last period. I swear that period lasted seven hours. I was so anxious to get home. And then, I was so anxious to talk to her again. Maybe I'll stop by her room quick before I go home? I don't want to push it. But she likes me. I want to see her. She'd want me to see her, right? Ugh, if only this period would get over. 3:16. Two more minutes. My mind hasn't left her once. That's when it hits me how wrong it would be us to pursue our burning passions. Should I just tell her to wait until I graduate? I probably should. I'll mention in. 3:17. I'll mention it in one minute. The bell rings. My stomach drops for the millionth time today. I slowly rise from my seat. Trying to be casual. I don't want Mrs. Ward to think I'm too anxious to leave the room. I don't want to be the last one to leave either. Now, I have to act casual as I make my way to Ostrom's room. Gosh, my stomach. She makes me so nervous. But I'm not complaining.

"What are you doing here?" she asks playfully as I enter the room.

"Just wanted to wish you a good evening."

"How sweet of you. Thank you. I'll call you tonight, okay? We have a lot to talk about."

"We sure do," I agree.

How I melt at her smile. As I exit the room, I look back. Only to find her looking lovingly back at me. I wink. But it wasn't a real wink. It was a wink to make her laugh. Not quite sarcastic. I want to tell her I love her. But it's too soon. I'll wait for the perfect opportunity. The perfect place, at the perfect time. Is it 9:00 yet? I get home and work on homework for an hour or two, eat supper, shower, shave, lotion, anything to pass the time. And it's still only 7:30. What can I do for the next hour and a half? I watch TV downstairs with dad for about a half hour. One hour left. The anticipation was building. I go upstairs and just mess around on my laptop to lose track of time. My phone is on full volume, just in case. I cannot miss this call. I think back to all of the memories Ostrom and I shared. I fantasize all that we can become. And at some point in the daydream, I was finally brought back to planet Earth by the sound of my phone going off. It was 9:03. She didn't want me to think she was too anxious, I suppose. And I didn't know how many rings before I should pick it up. One, two, three, four, okay. "Hello," I cheerfully answer.

"Hey Sarah."

The way she says my name. Everything this woman does is beautiful, I swear. And so our conversation went like this:

Me: How are you, Mrs. Ostrom?

Ostrom: Call me, "Jess." I'm doing alright. How are you, hon?

Me: Best I've been in a while. –chuckle-

Ostrom: Ha, I know right? We have to be mature about this, Sarah. We have a lot to sort out.

Me: I agree. Where should we start?

Ostrom: Well, what are your expectations out of this?

Me: Um. Well, all I did was tell you today that I like you too. I think I should better establish how I feel about you than going on just that I "like" you. You know?

Ostrom: Good point; I didn't really tell you about how I feel about you either. Besides the thinking of you. You go first.

Me: I'm not going to lie. I'm so nervous. Not only about being around you. But ruining your life. Unintentionally, of course.

Ostrom: Oh stop. I know the consequences and so do you, right?

Me: Yes. You're worth risking it all.

Ostrom: So are you, Sarah. Honest.

Me: And don't worry about me saying a word, Mrs... Jess. Even if something, God forbid, goes wrong between us, I promise none of this will come back to bite you.

Ostrom: Thank you. I needed to hear that.

Me: You're welcome. Now, let me tell you some things. Excuse my nerves. I tend to rant when I'm nervous. Like, right now for example? –I giggle-

Ostrom: Ha-ha. Oh, you're fine. Go ahead.

Me: Jess. I've thought about you often over the past few months. Ev..every day, in fact. Not just when I'm in your company. But before I go to sleep at night. And randomly throughout the day. At first I thought, I thought, of our bond as a friendship. But then one day you mentioned something about your husband. And my stomach kind of dropped. It was like, disappointment. Maybe even jealousy? And I realized I just told myself that we just had a good teacher-student friendship to comfort myself. I no longer thought that you were "pretty," I realized that you were "beautiful." I didn't think that you were "interesting," I started to see you as "intriguing."

Ostrom: That has got to be the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me...

Me: There's more where that came from. –I hoped she could hear the smile in my voice-

Ostrom: Sarah... when you told me about your girlfriend that day, I wasn't exactly jealous. But I'd never imagined you to be "that way." And it made me think that I've never imagined myself that way. And since then... I'd fantasize about being with a woman. But not just any woman, but rather. With you. And not just in a sexual way. I hear your corny jokes, I see your drive, and the way you appreciate life. You're not like most people. And that's inspired me to want to get to know all of you. You've given me a few puzzle pieces. You know? And I want to know you. Sarah...I want you to know me too. And I've never wanted anyone to know me the way I want you to. We already complete each other's sentences, and half the time I know you're thinking what I am. And beyond all else, you genuinely care. That day you came to my room and asked me if I was really okay. No one else bothered. I trusted you, and so far haven't regretted it...

Me: You never will. Thank you for all of that. Please, know that I'm an honest human being. I just can't help but wonder where these trust issues stem from. Bad relationship?

Ostrom: You could say that, yes. Before my husband...I was engaged to this guy that put me down to the ground. I was never enough for him. And yet, blamed myself. Gave him everything I had, for nothing... I was so stupid.

Me: You weren't stupid, Jess. You were uninformed. Big difference. And thought this isn't exactly the same, my father is the same way.

Ostrom: You mention your father a lot, and I never quite understand him.

Me: Don't worry, I don't either half of the time.

Ostrom: Ha-ha, yeah. Does he know about you...?

Me: You can say the word, I'm not offended. I'm a lesbian. Not proud, but not ashamed of it. But yes, he knows. Isn't encouraging it. But he supports me. So does mom.

Ostrom: That's great. I cannot imagine telling my parents such a thing. They were harsh. Very harsh. Part of the reason why we aren't close anymore. They love Wyatt. And I want him to have grandparents to look up to in his future.

Me: I imagine you to be the most amazing mother. When can I meet the little guy?

Ostrom: Soon, Sar. I'd love for you to meet him. You like kids? Like. That's not going to be an issue, if this...becomes serious?

Me: Are you kidding? I knew from the beginning that you had a child. I love kids, haven't met one I didn't think was adorable.

Ostrom: Well, maybe I'm prejudice but my Wyatt is the most adorable one out there.

Me: I don't doubt it! Ha-ha.

Ostrom: I don't know I feel about him having two moms though, to be honest.

Me: Listen, Jess. He'll never have two moms. You're his mom. I know what you're saying. But I'll never interfere with that bond. I'll help you, if we get to that point. But I'll do as you ask me to. I'll be "Aunt Sarah" if you want me to be until he's at an age where he'll understand. Or even a friend of yours. Whatever you want. He's your son. Um, not to be rude either, but what about Mr. Ostrom?

Ostrom: Shit, don't remind me. Ha-ha. I can't just file for divorce if I'm unsure all of this will work... what do I tell the other teachers? My friends? My parents?

Me: Take your time with that, completely. I'll wait for you. You won't regret it. You'll regret it if you say something to the wrong person at the wrong time.

Ostrom: Do you have any suggestions?

Me: I say, I'm here when we're able to get away. Just the two of us. Emotionally, I'm committed to you. And off the record, I am physically as well. That is not all I want out of this though. Like you said you wanted, I want all of you. But I'll settle for phone dates, once in a while heading off somewhere just us, and seeing your beautiful face every day in school. Until it comes a time when we can physically come out to everyone, if that's what you'd want...All I'm saying is that whatever makes you happy, I'll do just that.

Ostrom: Nobody has ever been so... Sarah. Thank you. I feel so beautiful right now.

Me: Well, you should. After all, you are. Oh, and personal emails would be nice too!

Ostrom: Ha-ha. Definitely. My email is jlOstrom@hotmail.com.

Me: And mine's sarah_mirabile@yahoo.com

Ostrom: What are you doing Friday after school?

Me: Probably going out with you?

Ostrom: You read my mind, ha-ha. I figure if you swing by my room afterschool, we could do something. Grab a motel. Tell your parents you're staying at a friends'. I'll tell my husband I need a night out with the girls and we're going to have a good old fashion "sleep over" at Erica's house. He'll understand. Yours will let you?

Me: I'm almost certain.

Ostrom: Alright, its Wednesday now. Just let me know when you know.

Me: I'll ask tonight. Should know by tomorrow.

Ostrom: I can drop you off Saturday some time. Not a problem.

Me: Oh, alright. That's great! Thanks!

Ostrom: Thank YOU. I'm really pumped for this. We'll have fun, no matter what we do. Okay?

Me: I know that, silly.

Ostrom: Well, my husband's due home any second now, girlie. So I'm afraid I better let you go. See you tomorrow in Crier. Don't be acting all funny on me, either.

Me: Oh man, well. It was great getting those things off my chest. Thank you so much for coming to me today. You have no idea how much I've wanted to talk to you about this. Just couldn't. I won't let you down, my dear. I'll be as I always am tomorrow.

Ostrom: Sweetest dreams, to the sweetest girl. I... I'm just so glad that the feelings are mural. We'll get through this awkward stage.

Me: I know, we will Jess. Goodnight, lovely.

Ostrom: G'night. -click-

I hang up the phone and am forced to question whether or not this is really happening. It can't be? Too good to be true. "Jess" as I will call her from now on, is the most beautiful woman I've ever met. And to think that I will get to know her better, to think that I will kiss those lips maybe Friday night, is too much to take on all at once. I'm smiling. I'm happy. I hope she is too. I hope she's just as excited. She sure sounded it. I could just live in this moment forever. I crawl into my bed, pull the covers up around me. And fall into a peaceful sleep. The next morning, I wake up to my alarm clock buzzing. Was it all just a dream? I turn on my phone and look at my recent calls. On the top of the list is her name. "Jess" i have her saved as. For if I put her in as "Mrs. Ostrom" eyebrows would be raised. I've never been so excited to get ready for school. I take my best jeans out of my dresser. Then, I must have tried on a million shirts before finding the one I wanted to wear this day. It's not too overbearing. Just enough to send the message that I tried. And did I ever! Makeup goes on, then I straighten my hair. "Only for you." I whisper as I finish my hair smiling into the mirror. Before heading out the door, I ask my dad about hanging out this weekend with Hayley. I tell him that Barb can drop me off sometime Saturday and that she'll be in town tomorrow around 3:30 so she'll just pick me up after school. He agrees, and surprisingly doesn't ask me a billion questions. I walk down the hill to school and my hearts beating with an unfamiliar rhythm. I could get used to this. First period was fun talking with Jessica. She's my most witty friend. Always spitting out random facts about random things. I'm the one that got her into wanting to join Crier. And I don't think either one of us regret it. She's a good friend, and I've trusted her with a lot of things, but this...I could never. I know that. I want so much to just tell her everything, but I know that if it backfired, Ostrom could lose her job, I could be expelled. Maybe she'd even face jail time? It isn't worth any of that at all. Second period always drags. To think that at one time I liked Miss Ives, sickens me to no end. I cannot stand her mere existence anymore. Which makes for a long class period, to say the very least. Third period also drags, I have no idea why I ever signed up for pre-calc. I must have been on some kind of drugs. I cannot stand feeling so stupid. I've never failed a class before, and this could be a first. I try, and fail. Try and fail. The only thing that gets me through that class is the knowledge of knowing I will see Ostrom next period. I wonder if she'll act any differently. I hope not, I'm determined not to. The bell finally rings. I, once again, try to casually gather my things. Before heading to her room, I go to the bathroom quick to check my appearance. Fixing my hair quick, I resume to room 113. I am usually the first one in there.