Tales From the Stream

Author's Note

When we last left our intrepid band of space pirates, a small, but determined harvester crab named Reg had taken it upon himself to fix the dispenser in the ship's galley. He repaired it enough to make tea. But sometimes, when you're a pirate, you need more than a hot cup of tea to kick the morning blahs.

* * *

Chapter 12: Aidoru

Onboard The Black Prince, in the galley.

Jade shuffled through the doorway wearing a loosely-tied bathrobe. Her eyes were puffy and her hair was matted on one side. She opened a cupboard and pulled out a mug.

Reg, the palm-sized metal harvester crab skittered across the counter and met Jade at the galley dispenser unit. He turned his eye stalks to her and raised a pincer. Jade deposited her cup under the galley dispenser nozzle and held up her own hand to meet Reg's pincer in a high-five.

Reg bounced on his frontmost legs and turned to press the button on the dispenser's front panel. Jade stood staring at the dispenser as hot tea filled her cup.

Jade met Reg for another high-five before retrieving the mug. "My man," she said, and raised the mug to inhale deeply.

At the galley table, Emily scooted over to make room and Jade sat down. "Morning, captain."

"Good morning," said Jade, once again hovering over her mug to inhale. Emily plucked a granola bar from the center of the table and slid it over to Jade.

"Thanks."

On the other side of Emily, Amaliya sat with with her elbows on the table, shoulders slumped and fingers tangled up in her hair. She was frowning.

"Good morning, Amaliya," said Jade.

Amaliya grunted once.

"Really? Even after last night?" Jade unwrapped her granola bar and bit the end off.

"It's not that," said Emily. "She's on hunger strike."

"That so?" said Jade.

Lúcia walked into the galley, selected a mug, high-fived Reg, and retrieved her tea.

"Morning," she said, as she took her seat at the table.

Emily passed Lúcia a granola bar and she began to unwrap it.

"Amaliya's on hunger strike," said Jade.

"Oh," said Lúcia. She pushed her granola bar back to the center of the table. "Then I shall join you in solidarity, sister Amaliya. What are we protesting?"

"Nothing," grumbled Amaliya.

"I see," said Lúcia.

"And everything." Amaliya pulled her fingers from her hair and pressed her palms to the table. She pushed herself up straight. "Mostly the breakfast selection. If another granola bar passes over my lips, I might just lose the will to live."

Amaliya leaned forward until her forehead rested on the table. She wove her fingers in her hair again.

"There are some strawberries in the garden," said Lúcia. "They are not fully ripe, but perhaps for a change of pace...?"

"I need a cheeseburger," mumbled Amaliya.

"Hmm," said Jade.

"What's a cheeseburger?" asked Lúcia.

"Doesn't matter," droned Amaliya. "The galley doesn't make cheeseburgers and we don't have any money to buy one. Hence my dissatisfaction with granola bars and life in general."

"Au contraire, mon frère," said Jade, with a smirk.

"Soeur," said Lúcia.

"Right," said Jade. "I still get those confused."

"What?" said Amaliya.

"The captain said frère, which means brother. I assumed by referring to you, she meant soeur, or sister."

"Not that," said Amaliya, "the au contraire part."

"It means on the contrary."

"Yes, but what part is contrary? The cheeseburger?"

"Probably," said Jade, "but I was thinking more about the we don't have any money part."

"You been rifling through Latte Lady's jewelry drawer again, haven't you? Find something to pawn?"

"Better," said Jade. "Think all you can eat buffet."

"Not funny," said Amaliya, letting her head droop until her forehead smacked the table again. "Emergency rations are not a buffet."

"I'm dead serious." Jade laid a hand on Amaliya's shoulder and then turned to Emily. "Pull out the old Michelin Guide and look up Joe's Crab Shack."

* * *

In the conn.

"Science Officer Emily," said Jade. "Did you find it?"

Emily held up the Michelin Guide. The tablet screen was displaying 'Joe's Crab Shack' in light up letters on a rustic wooden sign. At the bottom of the sign was, 'Home of the crabtastic all you can eat buffet.' in hand-lettered white paint.

"You know there's not a planet anywhere near here with a salt water ocean," said Amaliya. "You know that, right? Coupla moons with methane seas, maybe. No crab in there. Joe's full of shit."

"So it's vat grown protein," said Jade. "So what? Bet it still tastes like seafood."

"It's not granola bars," said Emily. "Lay in a course, Captain?"

"Aye," said Jade.

Emily held the Michelin guide a few inches from the navigation console. There was a staccato beep. Emily tapped the console and a moment later the hiss of the maneuvering thrusters reverberated through the hull.

"How are we paying for this, again?" asked Amaliya, "Or are you planing a dine and dash?"

"A good captain always has a plan. And no, it's not dine and dash. It's Dogecoin."

"Dogecoin?" said Amaliya.

"Dine and dash?" said Lúcia.

"It's when you eat and then sneak out before the check comes," said Emily.

"Oh, dear," said Lúcia. "We must speak about this plan captain. The moral implications are troubling to say the least."

"We're not dining and dashing. We're money laundering."

"Oh, okay" said Amaliya. "That's so much better. How does this factor into the food selection?"

"Y'all know I was into some shady stuff, right?"

Amaliya and Emily nodded. Lúcia kept her gaze fixed.

"So the gold Doubloons of yesteryear are the cryptocurrencies of today." Jade surveyed the faces around her. There were only blank stares.

"I've got cryptocurrency. Dogecoin. And a fair amount of it. Totally untraceable. I can deposit, withdraw, transfer, whatever. But I can't spend it."

"Why not?" said Emily.

Lúcia perked up. "Because of The Man."

"I should be wondering why a nun would know such details," said Jade, rubbing her chin. "But, surprisingly, I'm not. And you're right."

"I still don't get it," said Amaliya.

"You have to earn money to spend money," said Lúcia.

"Obviously," said Amaliya.

"And you pay taxes you on the money you earn."

"Right..."

"So if you spend more than you earn," said Lúcia, "you don't pay taxes. The Man doesn't get his cut. And then he gets curious. Like where did this extra money come from? And why am I not getting any of it?"

"Okay..." Amaliya knit her brow.

"So you have to launder the money. Setting up shell corporations, maybe trading art, antiquities, or other subjectively-priced items to further obfuscate the actual amount of money. The proceeds deposited in off-world banks where tax laws are lax. Anything to conceal the true source of wealth."

"And you know this how?"

"Mother Bertilda," said Lúcia.

"Whatever happened to give unto Caesar that which is Caesar's?" said Emily. "Or unto The Man, in this case."

"Caesar is corrupt."

"And maybe so is the Abby of Hildegard von Bingen?" Emily held her finger and thumb up for all to see. She shrunk the distance between them. "Maybe just a teensy little bit."

Lúcia shrugged. "God works in mysterious ways, sister Emily. The money goes to help the poor."

"I still don't see how any of this buys us lunch," said Amaliya.

"You think the restaurant business runs completely on the up and up?" said Jade. "Pssh. Gray market supplies. Undocumented staff paid off the books. And Joe's as shady a character as any of 'em. It's just lucky I happen to know him."

"Great, so Joe's going to buy us lunch because you used to run scams together?"

"No," said Jade. "I'm going to write up an invoice for some vaguely defined consulting services. I'm going to give that invoice to Joe along with a crapload of Dogecoin. He's going to pay my invoice in local currency... Minus a twenty percent cut, the greedy bastard."

"Why would he do that? What's Joe going to do with this cryptocurrency no one can spend?"

"Pay his undocumented staff? Buy tableware? I don't know. I don't care. Once I get my payout, I'm buying us all lunch with what I earned for my 'consulting work'." Jade made quotation fingers in the air in front of her. "And whatever else we need. No questions from The Man, 'cause I'll have the paper trail to prove it's legit."

Lúcia smiled. "If there is any left over, I think I would like to try a cheeseburger."

* * *

Joe's Crab Shack, in the lobby.

"There's more people here than I expected," said Jade. "A lot more."

Amaliya pointed to the All You Can Eat Buffet sign.

"Hm," said Jade. She stood up and walked over to an aquarium tank that was at least three meters long. Inside, crabs were crawling over the rocks and each other.

Amaliya stood and moved next to Jade. She linked arms and stared into the water. One of the crabs flickered a few times and disappeared. It came back a second later.

"Still think it's real crab?" asked Amaliya. "Glitching like that?"

"No," said Jade. "But it can't be that bad. Look at all these people."

"It's good just getting off the ship for a while. I'm sorry I was so grumpy. And about granola bars of all things."

"Meh. I'm about done with emergency rations, too." Jade turned around. She stared at the sign above the hostess. On the display was the number 25. It ticked over to 26 and a young couple stood up. Jade looked at the number 86 in her hand.

Jade walked over to the hostess station. "Is Joe around?" she said, leaning in. "You think you could tell him that Jade is here about the, uh, consulting job?"

The hostess looked up. Her tied back hair was coming loose around the edges. There was perspiration on her brow. "Sorry for the wait," she muttered, and shoved four free drink coupons over to Jade.

Jade glanced down. "Um, thanks, but I really need to talk to Joe about that--"

The hostess was gone. She was hustling the young couple over to a table that had just been cleared.

"--consulting thing." Jade said to no one.

"No Joe?" said Amaliya.

Jade shook her head. She fanned out the coupons and held them up. "Free drinks, though."

"Moving to the bar," said Amaliya. She stood over Emily and Lúcia who were crammed next to each other on a narrow bench.

Jade displayed the coupons in her hand.

"To the bar," said Emily, standing up.

"The bar?" said Lúcia.

* * *

Joe's Crab Shack, in the bar.

The room was dimly lit, with a nondescript mix of popular oldies blaring from cheap speakers in the ceiling.

"And I'll have a rum and Coke," Jade said, raising her voice over the music. "Hold the Coke."

"So a rum, then?" said the bartender. She was wearing a puffy red hat shaped like a crab with googly eyes and two big plush claws sticking out the front. The black plastic pupils danced as she chomped the gum in her mouth.

"Yep," said Jade.

"So that's a rum, a white Zin, a pan-galactic gargle blaster..." The bartender leveled a gaze at Amaliya before turning to Lúcia. "...and an orange juice."

"Virgin screwdriver," corrected Lúcia.

"Right," droned the bartender. "My mistake."

Jade slid the coupons across the bar and smiled. The bartender curled her lip.

Emily turned to Amaliya. "What's pan-galactic gargle blaster?"

"Dunno. Sounded floofy and fun. Like a sex on the beach or something."

"Hm."

The bartender slid four drinks across the bar.

Jade caught the bartender's attention. "Hey, I was wondering. If you happen to see Joe, could you tell him Jade is looking for him? Jade Espinoza. Thanks."

"Joe?"

"That's right. The owner."

"Yeah, sure." The bartender curled her lip and shuffled off.

The overhead music cut off mid-song and a bank of lights illuminated a small stage. There was a crunch of heavy metal guitar and artificially created fog rolling in from two black boxes on either side of the stage.

The bar patrons all turned their attention to the stage.

"Ladies, gentlemen, small furry creatures from Alpha Centauri, and everywhere else in between... Tonight only... All the way from Neo-Tokyo... Aidoru!"

"Three figures emerged from the fog and quickly fanned out on stage. Each was holding a microphone, wearing a short plaid skirt and white blouse, paired with thigh-high boots that were something akin to police riot gear. They marched to the front of the stage while waving and shouting greetings."

Jade gazed upon the triplets and sighed. "Cute."

"And you said the place was good because of the buffet," said Emily, elbowing Jade in the ribs.

"What?" Jade shrugged. "It is... But this is nice too."

The three women on stage, identical triplets, were jiggling in all the right places as they took turns carrying a shrill melody. Guitar power chords and frantic drum beats erupted from speakers behind them.

A cluster of men in business suits pressed to the stage, standing wide-eyed, their mouths agape. They were throwing flowers, greeting cards and hand-written letters.

"What exactly is going on here?" said Lúcia.

"J-Pop," said Emily, moving her head to the beat. "Cute, huh?"

Jade nodded.

"More like the exploitation of underage girls," said Amaliya. "No wonder they're way out here in the sticks. This shit's pretty much illegal in the inner systems these days."

"They don't look underage to me," said Jade. "They look hot."

Emily was bopping her head to the beat while mouthing the words the triplets sang.

Lúcia sat, staring at the stage with her eyebrows knit.

"Recording companies find these girls young," said Amaliya. "Tell 'em they're gonna be big stars. Then they work 'em half to death. When they're not touring, they're doing photo shoots, meet and greets, that sort of thing. And their fans are--"

"Yeah, well, that's the price of fame," said Jade. "And you got to admit, their dance moves are pretty fabulous. Look at that coordination."

"Yeah, look at them," said Amaliya. "Take a close look. Short skirt. Blouse barely buttoned, tied around the waist."

Jade shrugged.

"Now look at the front row of fans."

Jade surveyed the faces of several middle-aged men in business suits. Several were reaching out toward the stage while the performers deftly stepped back to avoid their grasp.

"They're dressed like school girls, aren't they?" said Jade.

"Lolitas," said Amaliya. "Though you're right. These three are older than most."

"Seriously? School girls? Marketed to old dudes?" said Jade. "That's sick."

"Yeah, well that's showbiz. Some of the girls are even biologically modded to augment their pheromone output. Enhances their siren's call. Makes them the ultimate fantasy."

"That... They can't do that," said Jade. "Recording companies actually do that?"

"The recording companies have plenty of lawyers on retainer who would file a motion to suppress your opinion. And it's all in the fine print of the contracts. So yeah, they pretty much can."

"That is not cool."

"Oh, they really do own them for the duration of the contract. Legally speaking. They even control their social life. No dating. Not even casual relationships. Performers have to appear available to keep their fans interested."

"Like those skeezy dudes in the front row?"

Amaliya nodded. "Sexual harassment runs rampant in the industry."

"Fuckers."

Jade turned to the bartender. "Hey," she said, "you find Joe yet? Tell him Jade Espinoza want to talk to him about his entertainment and--"

The bartender chomped her gum. She put a hand on her hip and stared. "You're serious?"

"Serious as a heart attack, lady. Tell him Jade--"

"He's right there." The bartender pointed to the aquarium with the holographic crabs. She threw her head back and laughed once before turning back to slinging drinks.

Jade stood up and stomped toward the aquarium. Amaliya followed.

"She's pulling your leg, baby," said Amaliya. "There's nobody here."

Jade stared at the aquarium. She moved her gaze to a plaque above the aquarium. 'In memoriam, Joe C. Shack, our esteemed founder,' it read. Below the plaque was an e-ink posting of a news article with the headline 'Tragic Fishing Accident Claims Life of Seafood Mogul'.

"That fucker," said Jade. She pounded the edge of the aquarium, causing a group of holographic crabs to glitch out of existence for a moment.

"The man's dead," said Amaliya.

"He's not dead," said Jade. "Probably faking it for income tax purposes. While the management exploits those girls on stage. Makes me wonder who else he's exploiting. That fucker."

"Jade," hissed Amaliya. "He's dead."

"Oh, come on. Joe C. Shack? Really? Who has a name like that? And a crab fishing accident? There's no salt water ocean for light years. You said it yourself. It's all bullshit. He's a con artist. And he's pulling the biggest con of them all."

"You know what that means?" said Amaliya.

"Yeah, no consulting invoice. No Dogecoin exchange. And no free buffet." Jade scowled. "That fucker."

A ringing of feedback from the sound system filled the air. Jade and Amaliya turned to watch one of the triplets jerk back from the grasp of a man and bend to reclaim her microphone.

"Tough crowd," said Amaliya.

"You see what happens when you pull shit like this, Joe?" Jade was talking to no one in particular as she stomped back to the bar. "You don't deserve to have these girls singing in your bar."

Amaliya followed behind Jade.

"Crew," said Jade, "I have some bad news."

"Is there good news, too?" asked Emily. "Like, I've got some good news and some bad news. Isn't that how it's supposed to work?"

"Just bad news, I'm afraid." Jade heaved a sigh. "We're leaving. Joe's not here. We're not getting any free buffet."

"That's it then, just the bad news?"

"Yep. Pretty much."

Once again, feedback rang out from the sound system. One of the businessmen in the front row was reaching onto the stage. Again, one of the triplets jumped back before stooping to collect her microphone.

The man was undeterred and was pulling himself up onto the stage while reaching out. He was unsuccessful and tumbled backward.

The singers' voices were becoming strained.

A group of very butch Space Marines congregating in the corner looked like they weren't too fond of having the show interrupted. Two of their group stepped forward the instant the man made for the stage.

"There might be some good news after all," said Jade, surveying the action. "Looks like Mr. Business Suit has just booked an appointment to get his ass kicked... by a couple of girls no less."

The businessman in the front row hoisted had himself onto the stage. He was just getting to his feet when the Space Marines closed in.

The sound of audio feedback once again rang out as another microphone was dropped.

Another man in a suit made for the hole created by the first one. The pair of Space Marines made his foray a short one.

"Good news after all." Jade grinned and sprinted toward the stage.

Emily, Amaliya, and Lúcia exchanged glances. They rushed behind Jade. By the time they arrived, Jade had already jumped into the fray and landed a hard right. The businessman crumpled and a Space Marine sergeant dragged him off the stage.

Two more men in business suits rushed the stage, followed closely by a third. The Space Marine sergeant grabbed the recent stage-rusher by the shoulder and with the help of her buddies, tossed him back into the crowd.

A battle cry of "Motherfucker spilled my drink," rose from the din.

In the distance, someone smashed a bottle. There was more incoherent yelling. The bartender ducked just as a beer mug went sailing over her head. The stuffed claws on her plushy crab hat jiggled.

Several more business men rushed the stage, followed by the remaining squad of Space Marines.