Just as I was giving myself a once-over before the big date, I heard the soft buzz of my phone notification. I didn't even have to open the message. I didn't even have to look at the lock screen. I knew what it was going to say.
The briefest, obligatory glance later and I shouted out "Oh, fuck you!" to no one in particular. This dude, latest in a long line of fakes and flakes, was cancelling at the last minute.
I sighed heavily, took off the black dress, stockings, and bra, and got into my pajama pants and a baggy tee shirt. Face all made up and nowhere to go. I pulled my long, dirty blonde hair back into a ponytail, and took out my contacts, switching them out for my black-rimmed glasses. I always liked the way they framed my blue eyes, but of course I didn't want to look cute-in-a-nerdy-way, I wanted to look sexy.
It seemed that tonight was yet another where foreplay would be making out with a spoonful of Ben & Jerry's, and the grand finale would be an underwhelming orgasm, courtesy of my vibrator.
Resigned to another boring Friday night in, I poured myself a big glass of wine, and plopped down on the couch.
"Maybe I should just delete this fucking app" I said, sighing again, looking down at my phone, opening up an app for the millionth time since my boyfriend dumped me 6 months ago. I went into the app settings, intending to delete it, when I came across the gender preference tab, "Or maybe I should just try girls..." I joked to myself. I don't know why, but that funny thought stopped me in my tracks. It was weird, because despite considering myself an LGBTQ+ ally, I'd never so much as thought about women sexually, let alone anything else!
I sat with this funny thought for a minute. "I don't know...maybe it's not the craziest idea?" I definitely didn't want to date a woman. But maybe it would be good to check out the profiles of other women? Trying to see through the eyes of men, and creating a more desirable profile myself? I mean, despite being hard-up for a good fuck, I was definitely done with men for awhile (said for approximately the 6,348th time since the break up). This would at least keep me from swiping endlessly on guys. And bonus: I wouldn't have to recreate my profile (again) after deleting it (again).
Besides, with the amount of fakes on this site, everyone from cheating husbands, to bots, to people lying about their job, age, height, etc, it's not like I'll really be causing any harm, right? I wouldn't message anyone, and I certainly wouldn't lead them on! Somehow, I did enough mental backflips to get comfortable enough to do what I did next.
I felt my heart skip a beat as I switched the settings from men to women. This is kind of exciting, I thought to myself, or at least different!
I loaded my matches, and I was immediately hit with an unexpected conundrum with the very first profile: a really cute 24-year-old graduate student, Anna. Do I swipe right? I mean, do I "go all in" and pretend that I'm really interested? After all, I am interested in seeing good profiles, and I know the app has an algorithm to track these things. Again, I didn't want to be another fake. But I guess I was a fake, so...in for a penny, in for a pound. And hey, who doesn't like to know that someone else thinks they're hot? I wasn't going to act on it or anything.
I quickly became absorbed with swiping right and left. This was actually a bit fun! Silently judging other women, not worried about the consequences. But there were two things I immediately noticed: 1) I was swiping right a lot more frequently than I had with men (it seemed like I had more competition than I realized in the looks department!), and 2) I was getting comparatively few matches. I guess women are just pickier than men?
Most of the women I liked were pretty feminine. Or rather, not ones I'd really associate with being lesbian or bi, but then I came to this woman Claire. At this point I'd been swiping for a while, so much so that I had nearly entered a trancelike state. She managed to snap me out of it. For one, she was gorgeous. But also, had a very unique look. She had dyed her hair platinum blonde/almost grey, with incredible pink, blue, and purple highlights. She had pale skin, with a few colorful tattoos, and a nose ring. Her green eyes sparkled. Her breasts were probably about a B cup, but they looked really good on her slim frame. Despite this alternative look, she was dressed hyper-femininely in many of the photos. Sometimes in some cool, retro dresses. Others in more modern, sleek ones. But she also had a couple of photos showing off her punk-rock cred, one chilling at a concert, a loose, ripped Clash shirt, red plaid pants, and Converse sneakers. Damn, this chick had the confidence to pull off any look.
Was I immediately taken by this cool, alternative girl? Had my little experiment taken an unexpected turn? I didn't know. I just knew that I was definitely going to swipe right. And a moment later, when the app confirmed that we were a match, I felt a buzz of excitement. What would this rockstar want with a boring career woman like me?
I had to remind myself that this was all fake, even if it felt weirdly real right now. I reminded myself that I wasn't going to lead anyone on, or hurt anyone. I was tempted to message her though. And say what? "Sorry, I'm not actually into girls?"
A moment later, she took that decision right out of my hands.
"So you finally gave up on men, huh?"
I let out an involuntary chuckle, and before I could stop myself I wrote back, "That obvious, huh?"
I immediately regretted it. Ghaa! I promised myself I wouldn't mess with people's hopes and emotions!
"Oh come on, you're too beautiful to be into girls"
Oh great, now I'm blushing. Despite this unexpect electric charge I was getting from just these few interactions, I really wanted to be honest.
"Well, I'm blushing. Thank you. But I have to come clean: I'm really terribly, boringly straight. I just had a date cancel last minute, and I was bored, had a bit of wine, and had this bright idea to just check out girls' profiles for a bit. I really don't want to lead you on, even though you have this incredible style (and it seems like a good sense of humor too)!"
"Haha, well...thanks for the compliments and being honest! But hey, I know you're straight and all, but you should come meet me out for a drink anyway. I promise it'll be more fun than sitting at home in your PJs with a bottle of wine, a tub of Ben & Jerry's, and your vibrator. Don't worry, she'll be waiting in your bedside table for you when you get home. Promise."
I couldn't help but laugh at that last joke. And oh my god, was like she was in my brain! And and, also also, wait, was she suggesting tonight?
