I can't believe I was paired up with Toni for our anatomy project. Of all people, why did it have to be her?
I'm one of the only openly queer students in this nursing program. Most of my classmates are cool, but things got a bit, well, complicated during anatomy class last week.
Practicing our assessment skills means taking off of our clothing and getting very close to each other. So far we've had to identify ribs by touch, feel for the liver, and hear the sounds of the lungs. The majority of my classmates are really mature about these practice sessions. We're going to be nurses, after all; nudity is part of the job.
Toni seems to be fine practicing with everyone except for me. If I'm honest, I think she might be homophobic, or maybe worried I might seduce her or something.
Last week we were paired together for abdominal assessments. She wouldn't make eye contact as she listened to my stomach with her stethoscope, briefly touched the skin of my belly, and ran out of the room before I could even pull my shirt back down.
For our final exam we have to perform a cardiac examination in front of the professor. I'm worried about my grade, needless to say. The exam is tomorrow and I don't even know if she'll let me practice on her.
I texted Toni this morning: "Hey, do you want to come to my place to practice tonight at 7?"
Her response: "K."
It's 7:15pm and she's still not here. A while later there's a knock on the door.
I open it and see Toni standing in her backpack. She looks down at the ground as she walks in, not saying a word.
"Nice to see you too, Toni," I say. I can see her blush and wonder if she's embarrassed about how awkward she's been around me.
She sits on the couch and pulls out her stethoscope. Without looking up at me, she says, "I won't be taking off my shirt today."
Sigh. Here we go.
"I mean, okay," I say. "That's fine, I guess. I'm going to have to touch you, though, are you okay with that?"
She nods and blushes. It's going to be really hard to learn how to do this exam through her clothing.
"Why don't you start?" I ask. I pull off my shirt and sit up straight against the the back of the couch.
She blushes again, deeper this time, and takes out her stethoscope. She starts talking to herself as she looks at my chest.
"Second rib, third intercostal space..." She pushes her glasses up the bridge of her nose and I can see that her hands are shaking. Toni exhales deeply and leans in towards my chest. Her trembling fingertips feel their way along the ridges of my collarbone, working their way down to the rib cage. She's sitting so close to me that her knees dig into the side of my thigh.
Suddenly, she leans away. Her eyes close and she covers her eyes with her hand.
"I, uh. I need you to take off your bra."
Oh.
"Yeah, sure, no problem." I reach around behind me and undo the clasp. According to the textbook, it's easiest to hear the heart right under the nipple line, and I'm really curious how she's going to handle this.
As she leans forward, her hair falls over my chest and I can smell the rosy scent of her shampoo. Her fingers feel their way along my body and I feel the cold metal of her stethoscope on the underside of my left breast. My nipples harden and I try not to shiver.
She pauses there, listening to the beat of my heart as it contracts, pumping blood throughout my body.
The silence and stillness feels suddenly intimate. Her discomfort melts away as she relaxes into her task, listening to the animal sound of my beating heart. After a long minute she removes the bell of the stethoscope.
Her face hovers near mine as she moves away and, to my surprise, she stays there, so close that I can see my eyes in the reflection of her glasses. Her lips, her soft lips, are close enough to kiss. Her breath is quick and hot near my face. I'm not sure if I imagine it, but her face moves closer for a second, a movement that's barely perceptible.
Suddenly, she pulls away.
"Where's your bathroom, Lane?" she asks.
I point, reeling, and she disappears into the washroom.
She stays in there for what feels like forever. I sigh and put my bra back on. As I'm pulling my t-shirt over my head, Toni walks slowly to the living room and sits down on the couch.
"I think you should practice on me now," she says, folding her arms around her. She's still looking at the ground.
A theory flashes across my mind: Toni isn't awkward because she's homophobic, Toni is awkward because she has a crush.
My frustration and anger slowly morph into sympathy. I'm not sure if I'm right, but the thought makes it easier to be patient with her.
"Sure, Toni. Let me know when you're ready."
To my surprise, she pulls off her shirt and sits there, flushed. Her face and neck are red, and small splotches of embarrassment blossom on the skin of her chest.
"Are you okay if I touch you here?" I ask, pointing towards her rib cage.
She nods quickly and pushes her glasses up her nose.
I grab my stethoscope and gently touch the bones of her chest. Her skin is prickled with goosebumps, and I think she's breathing faster.
"I'm going to listen to you now, okay?"