I spent most of the next two weeks in an exuberantly happy daze. I'd drift through my classes, lazily drive home, and sit around just thinking about Rebecca and waiting until she was free from hanging out with Jennifer. At first, almost every free minute Rebecca had was spent on me, and we tried to watch movies or go out, but invariably kept ending up having sex... intense, mind-blowing, passionate, deep sex... although never quite as long as that first night after we got Jennifer to finger us both, when Rebecca and I had rotated resting and getting each other off practically until the sun came up... that night had been amazing. Although I noticed her willingness slowly starting to drop again after the first few days, I didn't think anything of it. Jennifer, for her part, practically disappeared from my radar for the entire two weeks.
Sometime in those two weeks, a realization crept up on me. When it finally hit me that I was so happy because of my relationship with Rebecca, I just smiled and bit my own lip, thinking about how crazy I was about her. In fact, I kept finding myself looking around at guys and wondering what I'd ever seen in them. My thoughts kept toying with the word bisexual, and something about how Rebecca had slid through all my defenses and gotten me so overwhelmingly into the private pleasures of another girl... something about that turned me on immensely... but I wasn't really bisexual, I told myself, because the only girl I'd ever consider dating was Rebecca. I just liked to have sex with her, because she understood the thrill of controlling and being controlled, that's all. It was just about getting off, and who doesn't like getting off, right? I mean, I'd told her I was falling for her, but she'd never said it back... I tried not to think about that.
As the days wore on, I would catch myself looking in the mirror at my own reflection, tracing my soft brown eyes, my long brown hair, the curves of my own neck and breasts, trying to feel what it would be like to think of that familiar face I'd looked at my whole life as a bisexual. What would people think when they saw me? I knew it was silly to think I'd look different at all, but still... I felt incredibly attractive when I started thinking about myself that way.
I started noticing how flirty all the females around me were with me, and I started wondering if they found me sexy, and I started thinking about how common being at least a little bi seemed to be. I felt sexy when I thought of myself as bisexual, because I had this growing fantasy idea that I could probably seduce pretty much any of the girls I knew. Not that I would want to, I kept telling myself, because it was just Rebecca in particular that I had fallen for, not girls in general.
I accidentally let that fantasy slip one night when Rebecca and I were hanging out at my apartment. She didn't really say anything about it at first, which was disappointing, because I had hoped revealing my little fantasy would help re-spark her fading interest. She didn't say much... but she did, however, start drinking her beer noticeably faster, and got me to do the same. She even busted out the huge half-empty jug of wine left over in my fridge from a party a few days before. A few more glasses of wine later I was definitely warm and tipsy, smiling broadly and dumbly as Rebecca stumbled around laughing and looking for the TV remote. She finally managed to turn the TV off, and fell into a sitting position next to me on the couch. Holding her near-empty glass of wine aside, she leaned in very close to me. Her hot breath smelled of wine, and her soft lips were immensely attractive. I kept glancing between her lips and her sharp green eyes, unable to decide which entranced me more.
"So..." she said softly, leaning in very close to my face. "We never really talked about what you said to me after the last time we saw Jennifer, did we?"
I immediately tensed up with anticipation and excitement. I'd been hoping so badly that she would say something about that. I'd told her that I was falling for her, and she'd indirectly avoided saying it back to me. I hadn't noticed that night, distracted as I was by the hours of sex with her, but, when her interest had started to fade in the last week or so, it had definitely been on my mind.
"No, we didn't..." I said back to her slowly, very conscious of her lips an inch from mine, and of her moist breath on my face.
"We never really... defined what this is, did we?" she asked as she slid a hand around the back of my neck, her warm fingers curling under my hair. "Well... what do you want me to be?"
As she asked, she moved forward slightly, bringing her soft lips into contact with mine. I kissed her, tasting the wine on her tongue, and she pulled me into her to kiss me harder. Her question filled me with excitement - I had just been thinking that her interest was fading... this sudden turnaround was amazing! It didn't take long for a single word to resound in my thoughts as we kissed. I kept thinking the word girlfriend, and it blew me away... the whole idea... my whole situation, how I ended up sitting her on my couch, kissing another girl, and on the verge of asking her to be my... girlfriend!
Could I really do this? The image of the two of us holding hands while walking out in public felt strange... as did the thought of telling my friends, who still had no idea, or... damn, my parents! I thought about my lost best friend, wondering how much she must have gone through to work up the courage to confess that she loved me. I suddenly felt utterly terrible... which, strangely, prompted me to finally say what I was thinking out loud. Maybe I said it to avoid thinking about what I'd done to my best friend, maybe I said it to somehow try to make up for the mistake I could never undo... either way, I blurted it out.
"My girlfriend," I said in between desperate kisses. "I want you... so badly... to be my girlfriend..."
Rebecca pulled away for a moment and laughed softly, her face pressed against mine. I could see her smiling out of the corner of my eye, happy... but I was only feeling shock. For an intense, deep moment, I had forgotten Rebecca was even there. When I had said that, I had really been talking to my lost best friend, in my heart and mind. That was probably the first moment when I finally realized that I had been fooling myself. All of the messing around with Rebecca and Jennifer... it was just a lost and misguided attempt to fill the void left by my idiotic mistakes with my best friend. I really had loved her back, I'd just been too afraid to say it!
I suddenly found myself sitting there, drunk, feeling terrible, and crying. Tears ran down my face, almost uncontrollably. Rebecca backed off, sitting a foot or two away, probably wondering what the hell was wrong with me. All this time, all the thinking about my best friend and wondering where she was, I'd just been trying to deny the truth. Rebecca was my desperate attempt at a replacement for my lost best friend, and... I suddenly felt angry, black inside, and sick all at once, because, once my fog of self-delusion lifted, Rebecca's real personality was all too obvious.
A million things that I wanted to say to her ran through my head... biting things, sarcastic things, angry things. Her interest in me lasted only as long as I proved an interesting participant in her controlling games. How could I not have seen it? She had already been losing interest again, until I mentioned that fantasy of seducing another girl to her, then she was suddenly gung ho again...! Had she been planning to try to manipulate me into seducing another girl? What had I been thinking, getting tangled up with someone like her? And, Christ, what we'd done to Jennifer... damnit! This girl was so... so... gah!
I wanted to say something angry, but I didn't. Instead, a new cold, black sharpness inside me came up with a different idea. I suddenly stopped crying, all my emotion gone. I wiped away my tears, and put on a smile.
"I'm fine, I was just really emotional for a second," I told Rebecca, watching her relax. "I really care about you, you know that?"
