Starting Over

She fought hard to hold back her smile as she stepped, for the first time, on campus. The feeling of freedom and independence overwhelmed her. For the first time she had no one to answer to, no one to check in with. She could do whatever she wanted, with no one to tell her otherwise.

Kristy walked through campus to where her dorm room was, as promising thoughts of her upcoming year raced through her head. She was just 18 in July, and felt as if she was just beginning life. She was a tall slender girl, with a beautiful face and a body to match.

In high school, she was very popular. She was the girl that all the guys wanted to be with. She hung out with the "in crowd", and was very active in her school. She had the same boyfriend since freshman year, who was equally popular, and as handsome as she was beautiful. They were the envy of most of the school, most likely to succeed in whatever they set out to do.

Her personality as well as her looks equally attributed to her popularity. She was friendly with everyone in school, and always treated everyone with the same kindness and bubbling demeanor, regardless of how they looked or acted. Sometimes her close friends were put off by the fact that she would "even be seen" with some of the people she talked to, but it never bothered her. Kristy felt that every person was unique in some way or another, and that every person she got to know had the potential to broaden her own personality. Why anyone would deny themselves of such an experience, simply because someone doesn't look or act like you do was beyond her. It seems that is what the whole point of getting to know other people was about.

Although, despite all of her wonderful traits, something was not right with Kristy. It seemed to her that ever since she could remember, she lived her life doing as she thought other people would expect her to do. Being the person she is, she always tries to exceed the expectations of others around her, be it her parents, friends or her boyfriend Matt. She rarely takes the time to live her life for her, which is why she is overwhelmed with excitement now. She has decided to cease this opportunity, and from this day on, live life more for herself. She has the chance to start over, and let herself experience life on her own terms.

She entered her dorm room, dragging her things behind her, and noticed that her roommate was already there and gone. Her things were left half unpacked and scattered across one side of the room. Kristy began to neatly unpack and put away her things, unaffected by the untidy first impression of her roommate. She was to enamored by her newfound freedom to worry about anything else.

Days later, Kristy had once again found herself falling into her old habits, struggling feverishly to make a good first impression on her professors. Her feelings of freedom and independence were soon replaced with overwhelming feelings of anxiety. She spent her first week closed in her room studying, and wondering, as she listened to the other students laugh and carry on in the hallways, how anyone else had any time for themselves.

She had only seen her roommate twice at this point, and wondered how she managed to stay away for as long as she did. Her name was Mary, and she was a very quiet person. Not in a shy way, but more like, "it's too bothersome to answer your boring questions using more than one word" way. She wasn't nasty or rude, just not the type who liked to talk. She was a pretty girl, but seemed to hide it underneath her jet-black hair and pale face.

As Kristy sat among her piles of books and papers, she began to feel her stomach sinking as she thought. Not even one week and the only person she's met doesn't talk. She began to think about her parents, and what advice they would give her. She wanted to call, but did not want anyone to think that she was already homesick after a few days. Her thoughts then slowly drifted to Matt, her boyfriend. She wondered how he was getting along, as they were across the country in different colleges. She thought about how they had agreed to split-up before college. It was obviously the right thing to do, seeing as how they would be apart for four years. They both knew that pretending to carry on a relationship when they were over three thousand miles apart was just ridiculous. Still, she wished he was there with her.

She let her thoughts overwhelm her, and began to cry. As she sat alone in her room, wishing to see a familiar face to comfort her it hit her. She didn't need Matt or her parents! She didn't need anyone. She was free to do whatever she wanted. Her feelings of independence came rushing back to her as her tears dried up. She pushed aside her books and got up to pace the room, thinking out loud about all the things she was going to do with her freedom. She had worked herself up into such an excitement, she was almost breathless, and sat back down to regain her thoughts.

Again, her thoughts turned to Matt, but this time not just him, but of the times, they spent alone. Matt was her one and only lover. She thought about how Matt used to tell her how he loved her after they made love, and how wonderful he said she had made him feel. She remembered the things that he used to say, and the words he used to describe how he felt when he was with her. And as if she were looking at herself from another point of view, realized that she never truly understood what he was feeling. She could see herself saying the same things back to him, and not understanding why, but only that it made him happy. Her mind became a flood of thoughts, as this revelation crashed upon her. She felt like she was watching a movie that didn't make any sense until the last minutes when everything seemed to tie itself together. She began to realize what had been missing from her life. She never really loved Matt, and didn't face it until this moment. She definitely had feelings for him, but not in the way that she pretended. Matt was just the expectation she needed to live up to. She realized that their relationship was just following her pattern of life.

She sat back as a cold rushed over her body. She felt like she had been told bad news, but it somehow liberated her. She realized that it wasn't just Matt himself that was the problem, but the lack of feeling that she had denied herself. She wondered how she could ever let herself sink into such a situation. How she could be so deep in a place that didn't allow her to feel anything for herself, and worse, why did she feel so content there? She gazed at the books piled on the desk in front of her and smiled. She had the rest of her life in front of her, and was determined to find whatever she had been missing.

As she reveled in her thoughts, she felt as if she had broken out of a cage that had confined her for years. The feeling was so overwhelming she was almost finding it difficult to breathe. Suddenly she wondered what she had missed out on in her past four years. She wondered if there was anything, or anyone that could have given her the passion she was missing. Maybe she was so blinded by what she thought was love and passion that she wouldn't have known it if it was ever really there. Did she miss it? Was it there for her all along, and she just didn't recognize it? Her mind began to race through all of the faces of people she knew all of the places she'd been, hoping that something would spark. Instead, the more she thought, the more she realized that her life was never her own. Her mind began to slow down, as if it were running out of gas, and she soon fell asleep.

It was hours later when she was jolted awake. It took her some time to focus on where she was. Her neck was stiff from the chair she had fallen asleep in. She was alone in her room, and everything was quiet for the first time since she came here. She got up, turned off her desk lamp and fumbled into bed. There was a full moon out that kept her room lit enough for her to see the outline of the things around her. As she began to close her eyes, she realized what it was that had woke her up in the first place.

It was a night, just like tonight. She closed her eyes and started replaying it in her mind. The more she thought, the more vividly it came back to her, and it felt as if she was there again. All the sensations, everything she felt, were as if it were happening to her all over again.

It was shortly after her freshman year of high school had begun. Her and her friend Kim had arrived back at Kim's house after a party, where she had just met Matt. She could feel the butterflies in her stomach, just like she had that night. It has been so long since she felt like that. She remembered sitting on Kim's bed, talking and laughing.

Her eyes flew open briefly breaking her concentration. She held her breath as her eyes scanned around the moonlit room. She exhaled slowly as her body relaxed again, and she gently closed her eyes. She could see Kim's room, lit dimly from the light of the television, just the way the moon lit her dorm. Kim slept next to her, closely huddled into her body. It felt warm and comfortable. Kim's leg was uncovered, and draped across her body. Her mind re-lived the way her eyes were drawn onto her skin, glowing from the blue light. Her mind's eye scanning back and forth over the smoothness of her skin, starting high above her knee, just below her hip, straight down, over her ankle to the tips of her toes. She could feel her warmth on her fingertips as she gently reached out to touch her. Her body tingled with sensations she had never before experienced.

Kim's body shifted tighter into hers, and she could now feel her sleeping breath on her ear and neck. Her body was hot and she began to perspire. She felt a breeze coming from Kim's bedroom window, and as it blew over her, she became aware of every part of her body. Her breasts felt heavy lying on her chest, and her nipples were hard and straining the fabric of her shirt, the way they did when she was cold. They were sensitive, and felt as if they were burning when her shirt lightly brushed them. There was a tingling sensation between her legs, and as she became more aware, she felt a dampness there. Her heart was pounding in her ears, and her stomach felt queasy at the thought that she may have wet herself while she slept next to her best friend. Her hand shook as she reached down to inspect herself, praying that it was just her imagination. As her fingers came in contact with her damp panties, her body was jolted by what felt like an electric shock coursing through her body in an instant, causing her to wince out loud. She quickly pulled her hand away. Her body felt as if it was being stuck with millions of pins and needles all at once. Her toes tingled, and she felt an almost painful throbbing between her legs. Her body, now soaked with sweat, crawled with a feverish sensitivity. Her mind was working hard, but all she could concentrate on was the sensations within her. She could not tell what was happening, and held her breath anxiously.

Again, Kristy's eyes flew open. Her body experiencing all of the sensations as if it was happening all over again. She grabbed at her shirt anxiously and pulled it over her head. Her breasts throbbing, she gently took her nipples between her fingers and squeezed lightly, rolling up and down the stiff flesh sending shivers through her body. Her mind was vividly recapturing the image of Kim's smooth skin against hers. She was again drawn to the intense throbbing between her legs, and quickly rolled her damp panties down over her ankles and slipped them off. Her hand instinctively reached between her legs and cupped tightly over her pussy. She pressed hard against herself, and her body uncontrollably jumped as the heel of her hand pressed into her sensitive clit. She slowly slid two fingers up to her clit and circled the spot where the throbbing was coming from. Her body shook every time her fingers glided over the hard little bump. As she gently massaged it, the sensations grew steadily, more pleasurable each time. She was almost scared to keep going, unsure of where this feeling would lead her, but it felt too good to stop. She pressed harder and faster as her pleasure built, and spread throughout her body. She could feel that something was going to happen soon, but she didn't know what. She closed her eyes and breathed in deeply, bracing herself for what was to come. Suddenly, images of her friend came rushing into her head. Her soft, naked skin on hers, her warm breath tickling her ear and the shape of her foot resting on her leg sent her over the edge. Kristy's hips lifted off the bed uncontrollably towards her pressing fingers. Everything around her seemed to disappear as her body shook and convulsed with pleasure. She couldn't breathe, and she felt as though she was screaming but couldn't hear. A sharp pleasure washed over her body for what seemed like days, and she could feel wetness pouring out between her legs onto her fingers. Every muscle in her body clenched tightly around her center, and then as quick as it came, washed away.

She lay still on her bed, naked and sweating. Her senses slowly beginning to return. She managed somehow to crawl under her covers, and as she basked in the wonderment of her very first orgasm, she drifted to sleep.

Kristy woke the next morning with the same excited feeling in her stomach that she used to get on Christmas morning when she was young. She looked over at her alarm clock, which read 10:38. She had missed the start of class, and didn't even make an effort to get up. Her mind buzzed as thoughts of last night were rushing back. She had never experienced such a powerful emotion, and as she thought more about what happened, she wondered what it meant. Was she attracted to women? Was she a lesbian? Maybe it was just Kim who she was attracted to. She thought hard to remember any other incident where she may have felt the same as she had that night at Kim's, but nothing seemed to click. Nothing that strong at least. She remembered incidents where she caught herself looking at other women, but didn't recognize them as sexual, until now. She remembered admiring outfits, or shoes, but as she thought harder, she realized there was more to it. She could vividly remember the way they moved or their smell. She could see herself admiring her friends for more than just their clothes or hair. She remembered the shape of their bodies. She remembered how their breasts looked, or the curve of their hips. It wasn't the shoes or the clothes she was noticing, but the way those things made a girls body look. The way a tight shirt would strain against their breasts, making them round and firm, or show off some belly. The way shoes might make their legs look.

As all these different images flashed in her mind, this time for what they really were, she felt her body start to tingle again. She concentrated hard, until her thoughts settled on one incident in particular. It was graduation, and she was sitting in her living room talking to her friend Lisa. Her parents had thrown a small pre-graduation party for her and some friends, before they went to the big party that night. Lisa looked exceptionally gorgeous that night. She wore a short black dress, and sexy strap heals. Kristy recalled their conversation, and the way Lisa sat across from her with her legs crossed. She remembered staring at her shoes, and the way her eyes traveled from her foot all the way up her leg to the hem of her dress. Kristy recalled the way she sipped her drink, and how delicate her manicured fingers looked when she held her glass. She could smell her perfume, and delighted at the way Lisa's bright eyes widened, and the warmth of her smile as they spoke. The harder she focused on Lisa; everything else in her memory seemed to dissolve, until just the two of them were there. The conversation seemed to fade as well, and all she could hear was the sound of her breathing and her heart beating. She concentrated hard on Lisa's image. In her mind, Lisa leaned into her, uncrossing her legs, and began to speak to her again. Her voice rang louder and clearer in her ears. Lisa was telling her to touch herself, begging to see it. Lisa began to run her fingers up and down her own legs. Kristy's eyes followed Lisa's fingers to the darkness beneath her dress. Lisa was speaking to her softly, whispering Kristy's name. Her mind flashed images of Lisa's body, as she felt in intense pressure welling up inside her. She could almost feel Lisa there with her, as she quickly became aware of her own body. Still concentrating on the scrambling images in her mind, she became aware of her hand working feverishly between her legs. Her mind now jumbled, flashing pictures of Kim and Lisa, one after another, all the while hearing Lisa's voice encouraging her. Her mind was moving fast and everything was beginning to become blurry. Images of Lisa and Kim combined with others began to mesh, until they didn't even make sense, until she finally felt her body tense up, and waves of pleasure overcame her.

Two days had passed in a blur since Kristy became aware of her feelings. Although she felt relieved, as though she had found a big part of her that had been missing, she didn't know how to cope with the fact that she was attracted to other women. She was finding it difficult to concentrate on anything else in her life, and often found mind wandering off. She wasn't able to recall anything she had heard in her classes the past two days, and hadn't opened a single book. Her mind seemed to be set off by the slightest incident, and blocked everything else out. She found herself fantasizing about different girls she would see. She tried hard to think of boys, but it just didn't happen. There was no denying the way she felt.

She sat in her dorm room, wishing desperately for someone to talk to. Who would she tell? Her parents? Her friends? There was no one for her to turn to. She was going to have to figure it out on her own. She decided to log on to her computer and see if she could find anyone to talk to. She read through some of her mail, but there was nothing interesting. Just a few jokes and notes from her friends asking how she was getting along. She even entertained the idea of visiting some of the chat rooms, but she knew that it wouldn't do her any good to tell her feelings to a stranger. Besides, you never knew who you were really talking to anyway, so she just logged off.

It was still early, and she was feeling hungry. She decided to take a walk and get something to eat. She found herself in this little pizza place, just off campus. It wasn't crowded like it usually was, but there were a few people there. She took her pizza, sat down at an empty table and began to eat. Not even a minute passed when she heard a voice from behind her.

"English lit with Brogan right?"

She turned to see a girl that she thought she recognized from one of her classes. She was cute. About 5'6. Long brown hair, and dark eyes. Kristy's eyes darted up and down the girl's slender frame, and felt her mind start to wander.

"I sit right behind you I think."

Kristy's mind snapped back.

"Oh yea... hi... I'm sorry, I just spaced out for a sec."

As she spoke, she realized that it might have been the first thing she said in days.

"It's okay," the girl said as she sat down at Kristy's table.

"I'm Kate, nice to meet you."

"Kristy, same here."

"You're not expecting anyone are you?"

"Not at all."

The two sat, eating their pizza and talking about their classes. They seemed to hit it off pretty well. As it turned out, they were in a few classes together, and Kristy was able to get some of the assignments she had missed the past few days. They finished their food, and had remained talking for well over an hour. Kristy liked Kate, who reminded her a lot of herself. Even better still, she took her mind off the things that had been troubling her for the past few days, and Kristy felt almost normal again. Not once since they started talking did Kristy think of her in a sexual way. As that thought occurred to her she felt relieved, fearing lately that she had turned into some kind of lesbian pervert who could only think about sex.