It was the day after the hazing; classes didn't start until Monday, but I woke up early anyway. I am definitely an early riser no matter the day. Ellie was still splayed in her bed in a deep slumber, and the sun was barely out. I decided to take advantage of the fact that it was so early and go take a shower with hopefully no one around.
I entered the bathroom and brushed my teeth before getting into one of the frosted glass cabins. The shower was huge and very fancy; inside the cabin, there was even a little bench where the water doesn't splash, so you can put your stuff there and change.
I took my time during the shower, letting the cold water run down my back and standing under the heavy water flow even after I was clean. Once I was feeling satisfied, I turned off the water pressure and started drying myself. As I was getting dressed, I heard two girls entering the bathroom.
"But that doesn't make sense. If that's the case, why didn't she claim her during the meeting?" the first girl said, exasperated.
"Maybe she felt differently once she saw her in person. It happens, you know. You see a picture of a girl in the meeting and think, 'no big deal,' and bam, you see her live, and she's like another person," the second girl answered.
"But, Lola, the thing is, she got infatuated with Sienna out of nowhere, and that was before she met her at the hazing."
I quickly lifted my head when my name was mentioned. At first, their talk was just background noise to me, but now I was paying full attention to everything they were saying. If I heard it right, the conversation was definitely about the girl who hazed me. I considered getting out and asking them directly, but I doubted they would reveal anything about her identity. So, I decided to keep listening.
"How do you know it was before?" Lola asked quizzically.
"I think three days before the freshmen moved in, Madison-- you know Madison Walters, right?"
"Yeah, I do. She was Aubrey's little sister."
"Yes. So Madison knocked on her door and asked if they could have a private talk. I left and waited, and when I came back, the first thing she asked me was for Sienna's profile. Right there and then, she was already obsessed with her."
"You know what, Harper? Let's wait. It's too soon for us to be making conclusions, and I desperately need to shower. Me and Katie were fucking like rabbits last night."
"Ew, and you didn't shower right after? You nasty bitch!"
"I was too tired, give me a break."
I stood very still; I didn't want them to notice me. When I heard them turning on the showers, I quickly grabbed my stuff and sprinted to my bedroom. Thankfully, I didn't meet anyone on the way. When I got to my room, El had just gotten up from bed.
"What happened?" she asked.
"Nothing. What do you mean?" I asked, trying to play it cool.
"One, you look like you sprinted all the way here, and two, you're smiling stupidly."
"It's just - remember I told you I wanted to find the girl from the hazing?" I said, feeling flustered. "Well, I think I got a lead on who she is."
"Oh my God! And you weren't going to tell me," she said, looking honestly shocked.
I just shrugged. "I didn't think you'd care."
"Of course, I care. How many times do I have to tell you we're BFFs, Sisi! Damn, you don't know anything about BFFs, do you?"
"Sorry, I just." I wrapped my arms around myself, something I did to feel less vulnerable. "I don't have many friends - and definitely not BFFs."
She stopped and got closer, putting a hand on my shoulder.
"Hey, I'm sorry. I was just messing around with you." She gave me a bright smile. "But seriously, you can tell me anything. I'm your friend now, so I care about everything you want to tell me, and I hope you care about the things I tell you as well. That's one thing about friends."
"Okay," I said, returning her smile. "Thank you, El."
I told El everything about the talk I heard in the bathroom, and she comically reacted with gasps and 'no way'. She even volunteered to go with me when I went to ask Maddy if she had any idea about the girl's identity.
"But Sisi," she asked when I was done talking, "what do you plan on doing when you find her?"
I froze. What would I do when I found her? I hadn't thought that far yet. Would I just go up to her and be like, 'hey, you fucked me in the hazing, let's do it again'? I absolutely couldn't do that; she would think I'm crazy. I could try to seduce her, but I'd never tried seducing anyone before. And did I want to seduce her? If so, what did that make me? What did this need I felt for her mean to me? There was something I tried ignoring, but it was constantly crawling in my head since the hazing, or maybe even before that -- am I a lesbian?
And in my mind, the question was 'lesbian,' not even 'bi' because not once in my life have I felt attracted to a guy. Not like the guys in my high school were interested in the bullied poor girl, but still, not even a crush. Opposing to that, I had a few females whom I felt attracted to, like my English teacher and a few actresses, but still not many. I had avoided thinking about that, but now the questions about my sexuality were assaulting my mind.
"I don't know," I said, feeling gloomy. "El, can I ask you something?"
"Sure, you can, Sisi! Ask me anything."
"You don't have to answer if you don't want to, but are you a lesbian?" I asked, hesitating before the word 'lesbian.'
"Not a lesbian, I'm actually bi. Why do you ask?" she promptly replied.
"It's just-" I gave a long pause, fighting to put my feelings into words. "I think I want to find that girl, and I don't exactly know what I want to do after, but I definitely feel like I want to be with her again. And I don't know if that makes me gay."
El grabbed my hands and squeezed them reassuringly.
"Sisi, I don't think you have to delve too deep into this right now. If the answer isn't obvious, maybe that's a sign that you should wait a little. For now, just think like this: you're someone going after someone. It doesn't matter if it's a man or a woman; you just want to go after that specific person, and everything else can be an afterthought."
El was right; at least for now, I could just let it happen and not think too deeply about that. It was a nice feeling to finally have a friend whom I could share this type of thing. Aubrey and I share a lot, but I don't know why these types of things I still kept from her. Not because I don't trust her; it just didn't come naturally to me when I am with her, not in the way it did when I am with El.
"You're right. Thank you," I said, giving her my brightest smile.
"Stop thanking me! We're friends," she answered, shaking me by the shoulders playfully.
I waited for El to finish showering and getting ready for the day before we went to Maddy's room. She had given us her room number yesterday. El gave the door an energetic knock before a blue-haired girl opened it, probably Maddy's roommate.
"What?" she asked, frowning at us.
"Is Maddy there?" El thankfully asked, as I was pretty nervous because of the angry girl.
