***********************************
Toni
Just three more sessions; hold it together, Toni, I told myself. Ashley leaves for San Francisco tomorrow and then it's over with. We saw each other for the last time this morning, and I can honestly say that whatever we had was nice.
I've had Miranda on my mind for three months now. This sort of thing never happens to me, the sort of thing where I sometimes catch myself daydreaming about her, wondering what she's doing, longing for the touch of her lips one more time. Since that dance at the club, I haven't been able to go one day without thinking of her for prolonged periods of time.
I sit and try to figure out why I want her so much and I have come up with two theories: A- either I just need to do her to get her out my mind or B- I'm in uncharted territory and way over my head. I'm hoping for A but I think I know its B. I like her, I actually really like her. It's not just sexual or physical but so much more.
I love the way she talks to me like an equal and how she never backs down from an argument. She always tells me what she thinks- whether or not I like it. She calls me just to say hi and, when we get coffee, she always orders for us not just herself even though we will trade off who pays. When I'm with her at her office she pouts when another student enters. I love the way she looks at me when we talk and the way she texts me good morning even if I haven't sent her a text.
I've fallen in love with her and it didn't even occur to me that it was happening until it was too late. We text each other every night, and even when I am on a night shift, she'll text me throughout just to see how I'm doing. She tells me that she's up doing paperwork but I know it's because she wants to check in with me and make sure I'm doing alright. Sometimes, we will eat our dinner together over the phone, her conversation and laughing filling the empty hours. Only my dad has ever cared that much, and even he doesn't like I feel she does.
Not to mention the fact that I take extra time to get ready when I'm going to see her. I make sure to wear her favorite cologne, which she mentioned she liked when we danced that night at the club. It took every ounce of self-control not to make her mine, then and there. I wanted to take her back to my place and show her how a person who cares about you can make you feel. But I didn't because it wasn't about that; in that moment, it was about being intimate with each other. Having her in my arms that night made me realize what was missing. I realized that I was just going through the motion of life, and that since she came into it I was living again, enjoying every moment. I don't just want sex; I want to make love to her and worship her body. FUCK! I fell in love and didn't even see when she sneaked in and took hold of my heart. I hope she doesn't hurt me because my hurting her isn't going to happen.
I knew I was taking a chance by initiating anything with my professor, but for the last three months I have felt something for her I haven't felt in a long time, if ever. The last time I had felt anything close to this was with Sylvia and even then it was different. I don't even know if I can describe how I feel about Miranda. It's this want to be around her and talk to her, this need to hold her in my arms and just be with her.
It's been a long time since I've asked anyone out. I know the risks of rejection and yet something tells me if I don't try it'll be worse. I care about her the way I care about my friends. I love spending time with her even if it's just coffee. The thought of having someone to call my own- that right there is the best part.
I know that she flirts with me and she feels something; the question becomes the same it has always been: am I worthy of more? Is there a possibility that she will want to be with me and only me? Will she want a relationship with someone younger? Will she want someone who isn't even half as financially stable as her? We belong to different social classes and, as much as I want to say that it doesn't matter, I can see the differences between us.
I have to work to survive; she does it because she likes it. I have to make a lot of sacrifices to be able to have what I have; she doesn't. My dad accepts my way of life; her family doesn't and that can place a strain on any relationship even if all the odds are in its favor.
But none of this matters if she doesn't say YES.
"Toni, what are you still doing here?" I was leaning on the wall next to her classroom door. She walked out and I followed her to the stairs where I took her bag full of blue-books to carry for her. It was as if she was tempting me, wearing my favorite white skirt suit. She had only worn it one other time and I had fallen into her web. Women worry about panty lines and let me tell you there was nothing there so do you really have to wonder what was underneath.
"Do you really have to ask? I just turned in my final and I graduate on Saturday." I knew if I prolonged asking I would chicken out. "Let me take you out on a date, just you and me." She tried not to smile but it was there.
"Walk me to my car?"
"I always do so..."
"Toni, you know I'm a lot older than you. Why do you want to go out with me?" Her sexy confident smile was gone and she sounded defeated. If she only knew how much I had dreamed of being with her over the past few months.
"Do you want a detailed list or will it suffice to say that I think you're beautiful and would be honored to be in your presence." That made her blush.
"You know you're a smooth talker," she replied with a knowing smile. "How can I know I can trust you?"
I stopped walking and she did the same. This story sounded so familiar. She turned to look at me, and I knew that if I wasn't honest and put my feelings out there that I would end up where I had started so many years ago.
"I've never done anything for you not to trust me. It may seem like I'm spitting game but it's the truth. You're beautiful, Miranda, and I love talking to you and spending time with you. When I'm with you I'm happy, happier than I have ever been. I have no experience with relationships or dating, but the one thing you need to know is that I respect commitment. I would never lead anyone on and I don't lie." I handed her the bag. "If you don't trust me then don't say yes. If you think I'm some player then you've already hurt me. I told you once and I've told you twice that I want you, Miranda, not just for sex or for one night. You have my number; let me know if we can be more than friends or if I'm not worth it."
I walked away because I was hurt. I may be confident and smooth but it's just me being honest. I'm not spitting game or trying to get her to bed. To not be trusted right off the bat and be judged based on her past...
"Toni..." I ignored her as she called my name. She could call me on my cell when she knew what she wanted. "TONI."
I knew she wouldn't come after me; technically, I was still a student.
I headed for the student parking lot. When I got to my car, I sat there for a while just resting my head on the steering wheel. Crazy thing is, I have never slept with two women at the same time because I only sleep with them once. I don't lie to women and say I'll call you and then don't. I make it clear from the first instant I'm just looking for fun, no strings. I don't give false hope or flat out lies; I'm always honest and if the girl doesn't like it then we go our separate ways.
From day one things were different with Miranda. I always made sure there was mutual respect and only honesty. When we would spend time together during her office hours, we would spend half the time getting to know one other. I knew she was divorced, selling her place, and had bought a new home. She came from money and her parents didn't like the idea of the divorce or that she had no children and was a successful business woman who worked on her career instead of a family. It isn't that she didn't want a family, she just wanted children to be raised in a home full of love and not lies.
I know she loves to hear me talk about cars, and I know she pays attention because she asks questions. We have so much in common and are so similar but it's our differences that make us work. I mean, we work in the sense that we never get bored of talking to the extent that we always lose track of time because conversation never fails.
The best part is how comfortable I am with her. I remember the first night I met her and how beautiful she was but how she acted like such a bitch. Then when I saw her in class, I mean she looked like she was dressed to kill, elegant and classy. She was gorgeous and beautiful, everything a woman like me would love to come home to. Before she came into the picture I couldn't even think of settling down and being with just one girl. Now? Now, she's all I want.
The more I think about it the more unreasonable I sound. The truth of the matter was that in that moment when she asked me how she could trust me all I could think of was what Sylvia had said so many years ago, how it had turned my whole world around. My thoughts were heavy as I got to work and received her message.
--Toni, I am so sorry if I offended you but that was never my intention. Please give me a chance to explain and maybe we can go on that date. Just you and me, baby, please.--
