I've been the star of Jubilee Court for more than 20 years now. Well, a star of it. If someone mentioned the name Sylvia Richardson it wouldn't mean a thing to most people; but say Val from Jubilee Court and everyone knows who you mean β the fiery, busty, sex-mad peroxide blonde queen of Britain's favourite TV soap opera, on the box at peak time three evenings a week plus an omnibus on Sunday. Trouble is, we're not Britain's favourite anymore. We haven't topped the viewer ratings for three years now, and we've even slipped to third among the soaps. When that happens, everyone associated with a show starts to get very nervous about their job security.
There was a time when I was at the centre of almost every story. I'm in the record books as having appeared in more episodes than any other character. Over the years Val has had her way with half the blokes in the block of flats where the show is set. She made her debut as a 17-year old seducing a married pensioner; when she was in her mid-30s (I'm 43 now) and pregnant she took her teenage nephew's virginity at his mother's wedding reception; she once shagged a bloke while he was lying in hospital with his plastered leg suspended from the ceiling; Val even had a three-in-a-bed romp with a West Indian father and son. That one was fun to rehearse and film! The press have called me Voluptuous Val, Val the Vixen, Val the Vamp, you name it. I even got my own TV special once, Vivacious Val's Naughty Nights.
Recently though, I'd started to feature less and less. I was still in most episodes, but sometimes it was just down to a 30-second appearance buying a bag of sugar in the corner shop. What had been really worrying me lately was that the writers would be starting on the end-of-year episodes soon; and as everyone knows, one of the more prominent characters always dies at Christmas in Jubilee Court. One bookmaker already had me down as 2-1 favourite to be next. I started my career wanting to do Shakespeare and Hollywood, but after a quarter of a century playing one character I'm not sure I'm capable of anything else. I've got a champion in Joe Moss, one of the senior writers. We had a brief fling soon after he joined the show, nearly 20 years ago, and he's had a soft spot for me ever since, always giving me nice raunchy storylines. But now, every time he tried to put me back at the centre of things he was getting the same response: "Okay, so Val sleeps with another bloke. Oh yeah, very original." Joe's job wasn't exactly safe either.
I was getting increasingly desperate, and one day sitting with Joe I blurted, "All right, why doesn't Val get seduced by a girl instead?" He pointed out that we'd done the lesbian thing a few years ago with a couple of students. I came back, "Yeah, but that was two kids brought into the show for that purpose then written out again. This is Val we're talking about, the cock-hungry man-chaser. We could make it a young girl, half her age, French or something to give it a bit of a twist."
Joe began to like the idea then. "We could make her a Muslim; no maybe not, in the current climate. I know β what about Polish? Since the EU let the East Europeans in there have been hundreds of thousands of Poles coming to Britain, that'd give us all sorts of angles. Old Val pulled by a young Slavic beauty, a hint of racism against this new wave of foreigners coming in 'taking our jobs', setting Val against some of her oldest friends, the young girl's boyfriend kicking up a fuss, there's a goldmine of possibilities. With Val's record I don't know why we never thought of it before." I spent a nervous few days while Joe developed the characterisation, wrote a couple of sample scripts and pitched it to the editors. Then one afternoon he burst into my dressing room, completely ignoring the fact that I had my tits hanging out, grabbed my shoulders and gave me a huge kiss on my naked back. "You'd better start developing a taste for pussy Sylv; Val's about to go gay."
I must admit, I had a few doubts about the idea, even though it was me who came up with it. I've had more than my fair share of men in real life, including two ex-husbands, but I've never been sexually attracted to women. I've got a huge male fan base β I get thousands of e-mails from guys aged 10 to 100 asking for sexy photos, asking for dates, telling me their often bizarre fantasies about Val, and so on. (I must admit, I have tried out one or two of those fantasies with various boyfriends.) Of course, I get the odd contact from lesbians as well, but I normally just delete them without bothering to read them. Val hasn't exactly been the most dyke-friendly character in the past either. I don't suppose she invented the term 'carpet muncher' for women who eat each other's cunts, but she certainly used it quite liberally when those two lezzie students were in the show.
It's not that I've got anything against lesbians, or gay men, in real life. Half the cast and crew are that way inclined, and my best friend on the show, Wyn Francis, is a dyke. At least two straight young actresses had fled the show after being propositioned by Wyn, in one case successfully. She's a wardrobe mistress a good 10 years younger than me but we hit it off the first time we met. Shortly after the new storyline had been approved I took her to one side and asked her, haltingly, to give me a bit of advice on what lesbians did together, as a bit of character development for Val. Wyn stared at me as if I'd gone bonkers, rolled her eyes and said in her cute Welsh accent, "Oh for Christ's sake Sylv, you're not serious are you? Bloody hell, use your imagination." She paused for a moment then gave me a saucy smile. "Of course, if you fancy coming round to my place one night I'd be happy to give you a personal demonstration. I won't even charge you." I grinned and told her to piss off, but as I walked away I had an uncomfortable feeling that maybe my mate hadn't been altogether joking with me.