'Doctor, doctor!' a clear voice rang out behind me just as I was attempting to leave the ward. I felt myself tense up: I was supposed to have left well over an hour ago, yet there was an endless stream of 'Just while you're here....' and 'Would you have a look at...' from the nurses and my day seemed to be stretching longer and longer. Finally I had managed to sort out every niggling problem, but just when it seemed all was clear and I could escape, I was being called back.
'What?' I snapped, and turned around, bristling. The nurse who had called me took a step back, surprised at the venom in my voice.
'What did you want?' I softened my tone, chastened by her consternation at upsetting me. It was Lisa; she was newly qualified, her nursing degree still bright and shiny and she had just started on the female medical ward. Full of energy and enthusiasm, it was hard not to notice her, but unfortunately her joie-de-vivre coincided with me going through the most miserable time I'd had in the last few years and her bounciness just irritated me.
'I saw the medical rota-I just wanted to say have a good weekend off,' she mumbled, clearly thinking that this was no longer a good idea.
And now I felt really guilty. She was a genuinely nice girl, and didn't deserve me snapping her head off.
'Thanks,' I smiled, 'I'm going to home to slob for the weekend.'
'I'm sorry I shouted.... it's just been a bad day,' I apologised.
'That's OK-the girls ask you to do everything because they know they'll be waiting ages for the on-call docs. You're too nice to say no,' she smiled back at me, then took off back to the nurses station, 'See you Monday!'
I live about 10 minutes drive from the hospital where I work; it's fairly central and handy for everything. It's a good-sized apartment I bought a while ago, and until recently I had shared it with my boyfriend Harry. We've been together 3 years, or rather; we were together 3 years before he took off with an empty headed bimbo with perky tits and a willingness to worship him. He took my long hours at work as a personal affront, believing that I should be at home looking after him, whilst all the time living off my income until his career as a photographer took off. The bimbo had been one of the models from his most recent contract, and it wasn't until our last incandescent argument that I found out she hadn't been the only one. So I threw him out, and I've been miserable ever since.
I miss him; not the moody silences, the vicious rows, the sulks that would last for days, the door slamming... OK, so I don't miss him, but I miss having someone around, having someone to cuddle. And I miss the sex.
I poured myself a large gin and tonic and waited for the takeaway pizza to arrive. Then I sat like a zombie in front of the TV, mindlessly channel hopping but I couldn't concentrate or settle. I knew what I needed, and he wasn't here.
I thought a hot bath might settle me, but by the time I was ready for bed, the alcohol singing in my head, my need was growing.
Lying in bed, my mind conjuring up images of him, I couldn't resist any longer. I reached down with my hands and started caressing my breasts, cupping them and rolling the nipples between my fingers. I'd put on weight since Harry had gone, eating for comfort and probably drinking a little too much than was good for me, but luckily most of it had settled on my breasts, now full and luscious, smooth and soft to touch. It felt good, my nipples were erect, straining, wanting his mouth on them sucking and biting.
I trailed my fingers down over my stomach to my pussy. My fingers probed gently and I found the warmth of my slit-it was already wet but that's what the thought of him did to me. Slowly I drew my fingers over my pussy lips, my middle finger dipping into my cunt to feel the juices gathering in there. My clit began to throb and I started to rub it gently, drawing back the hood that hid it, feeling it expand and tingle. It wasn't as good as his hand or tongue, but I felt the pressure begin to build. I parted my pussy lips with my other hand, and felt my clit and cunt stretch and tighten. I lightly flicked just the tip of my clit, and shivered in anticipation.
My cunt was crying out for attention, so I reached down and slowly pushed a finger inside, feeling the warmth and depth of my sex-one finger wasn't enough though. I was so used to his cock, my pussy stretched to fullness by him that I needed more than a finger to give me the same feeling. I pushed in another, the two fingers moving together-it still wasn't enough and I added a third.
It was good, but I wanted more-I couldn't thrust as deep as he did, and I remembered all those times when he had driven his cock into me, deep and hard, searching out the depth of my pussy, triggering sensations deep within the heart of me. I longed for him, imagining him on top of me, my body feeling the weight of his, my legs parting under the inexorable pressure of him, welcoming his invasion deep into my warmth.
I reached under the bed to the box where I kept my toys and found the dildos. Harry had loved to watch me play with myself. Sexually, he had me completely sussed. During the day, I was professional, having to take charge and to give orders; at home I wanted to give up that control to someone else. I wanted some one else to take charge, to make the decisions, to give me orders that I would obey. And one of the orders that Harry had always insisted on was that I show him and tell him what I wanted; he loved to watch me masturbate, to see how I pleasured myself and to tell him what I wanted to do to me.
When we had first met, I found it very difficult to tell him what I liked, but over time, I had become used to begging with him, pleading with him to do things to me that I had previously never articulated: I found this so incredibly erotic, and my mind now dwelt on all those acts his wishes and orders had driven me too, and which I wanted to do for him.
I choose a dildo, one of the large ones with a broad rigid head. I wanted to imagine that he was here with me watching me dildo myself. Stopping suddenly, I climbed off the bed to pull my full-length bedroom mirror over to the end of the bed so I could see myself. I positioned it at the foot of the bed where I got a view of my full pussy and ass-is that what you saw when you were fucking me? I thought to myself. The dildo was large but I was so needy and so wet that it slipped into me with ease. I pushed it in slowly, swallowing its 8 inches.
I switched it on and it started to vibrate deep in my pussy-I felt the head rotating pushing on my cunt walls, driving me crazy. With my left hand I kept the dildo in place; my right was working frantically at my clit. I rubbed at it, encircling it with my fingertips, flicking and pinching, trying to do what he had done that made me so horny. I felt my orgasm rising-but I didn't want to come, I was enjoying this too much. I stopped playing with my clit and brought my fingers to my mouth-I could smell my arousal, the sharp scent of my juices. I licked my fingers clean and pretended I was feeding my cum to him.
I reached for another dildo-this time the double headed one. I'd never used this by myself-it really took two to play with, but I wanted to pretend that I had his cock in my ass and a dildo in my pussy. I was still full with the vibrator, and I kept that in. I pushed a finger in besides it to moisten it-I needed lube for this but I was producing enough of my own. I reached further down and felt for my tight ass, guided by the sight of my hand in the mirror. Slowly I started to finger myself-it was so tight but I gradually forced in a finger, and gasped with pleasure. I've always loved this, as he well knew, and gradually I eased my ass open. My pelvis started to move, and I was ass fucking myself, pushing down on my finger, wanting more and more.
I raised my head and I could see what I was doing to myself in the mirror-I was so horny for him I imagined that he was here watching me and I was putting on a show for him. It was time for the dildo now, and I removed the vibrator from my cunt. My juices were dripping from it, and I ran my tongue around the bulbous tip, imagining that I was sucking him off.
I put the double-headed dildo into position, the head of each cock at both my holes. It was easier to force it into my ass first and I pushed past the resistance that was there until it was deep inside me. My pussy opened to accept the bigger head, and suddenly I was full, stretched and aching for release. I looked in the mirror and watched myself slowly moving the dildo in and out, gently at first but increasing in speed as my juices flowed. It felt so good-I could feel the roughness of the dildo rasping at my holes, stimulating the skin there. I wanted him there with me, pounding the dildo into me fast and hard and deep. I closed my eyes and imagined him fucking me with it, fucking me until I were raw, until I couldn't take any more and I was begging him to stop. I needed to frig my clit: I needed to come.
I rolled over, raising my ass, the dildo still in position stretching my holes. I reached down with my hand, and felt for my clit-it was erect and hard, wanting to be touched. I didn't want to be gentle with it-I needed to come quickly. I was panting now, my breathing ragged and loud, I knew I was on the edge of orgasm. I pinched and rubbed at my clit, and then felt my orgasm sweep over me.
At the very moment of orgasm, my imagination began to play tricks on me, and Harry's face wavered and dissolved; the face of Lisa appeared, sweet and smiling, her tongue playfully peeking out from between her slightly parted lips. But I couldn't stop it; I was too far over the edge and, watched by Lisa, I came violently, my breathing ragged and my heart pounding.
Slowly, I came down again. My legs were trembling and I couldn't stay on hands and knees for long. I eased the dildo out and as I did I could feel wetness running over my thighs. I reached down and felt my ass-my hole was still dilated, and I soothed the aching muscles with a finger.
My last conscious thought was of Lisa; would she have wanted to see me like that for real?
Next morning I woke early, having slept better than I had for weeks. There was a dull ache in my thighs, and my bottom was a little sore, but otherwise I felt happier than I had for a while. I stretched luxuriously; the whole weekend was ahead of me. Then I remembered last night, and what had happened in that moment of orgasm. I was confused; I wasn't a lesbian, I wanted Harry, so why had I thought of Lisa?
I rationalised my thoughts-she had been the last person I'd spoken to at work, so she was at the forefront of my mind, and fantasising about women didn't make you a lesbian, did it? My Nancy Friday books were all about women fantasising about women. It meant nothing, I decided, and rolled out of bed for a shower.
I decided that a good plan for the day included retail therapy. This November morning was clear, but cold and I wrapped up warmly, pulling on gloves and boots. I had a successful shopping trip-new shoes and handbags-but the cold was beginning to bite. I was thinking about heading back to the car when I felt a touch on my shoulder. I turned around and saw Lisa, smiling widely.
'Hi!' she grinned at me, looking at the carrier bags in my hands, 'Good shop?'
Even after a late shift the night before she was still perky and cheerful, but this no longer irritated me. Instead I felt myself flush as I remembered what I had been doing when last I had seen, or rather, imagined her face.
'Fancy a coffee, doc?' she raised an eyebrow at me.