Ah well, back to reality. The Friday was a busy day with lots of unexpected problems to deal with – easily the best way to take my mind off the evening ahead. But as the end of the school day approached, I knew I would not be able to stay on and deal with the emails I really ought to look at before I went home: I was too excited to concentrate. A sort of dull ache descended and enveloped my whole body: I was sick with excitement and anticipation.
I had it all planned; I took every stage calmly and methodically. I drove home, parked the car, went up to the flat, made myself a cup of tea and forced myself to have something to eat: just some cereal and toast. I didn't know if I'd get anything to eat at Belinda's, though I didn't doubt there'd be something to drink, and I wanted to be able to stay in control; I didn't want to be left weak and vulnerable just for want of a snack.
Then I had a shower. I washed off all the work and worry of the day and stepped out clean, fresh and ready to face Belinda. After that was the moment of truth: what I was going to wear.
I had decided to prepare two lots of clothing: what I would wear to go to Belinda's (and, let's face it, might very well wear for the whole evening), and a change of clothing should things go the way I hoped – oh yes, I hoped – they would. It occurred to me that some women would normally deal with this by popping a couple of condoms in their handbag; I would need something a bit bigger. Still wearing my towel, I got out a small holdall. Then I got down my old school blazer, skirt and tie from the wardrobe. I ran over everything one more time in my mind: the underwear I would be wearing, and probably the shoes too. Or should I wear boots? Shoes. No, boots. Yes, definitely boots. Why shouldn't I feel sexy too? And the white shirt, of course. The one I had worn in the shower the night before was in the washing basket; I had a very nice clean one to put on now.
I packed the schoolgirl uniform things into the holdall and started to get dressed. Black bra and panties, black hold-up stockings. I stopped and looked at myself in the mirror: very nice, though I say it myself. Am I putting on a bit round the waist? Maybe? Does it show? No, I look fine. I'm a woman of thirty: I look fucking gorgeous, sweetheart. Right.
Next: hair. Brushed, combed – looking good. Make-up: mm, yes – face, eyes, lips. Look at that, Belinda – you're not the only one who can look sophisticated.
Next I put on the shirt and a pair of tight jeans. Checked again in the mirror: I was definitely looking good. Then the boots: I'd decided on boots for this evening rather than shoes. They gave me more confidence. And they looked gorgeous. This was all going well.
Next a black jacket – the old jacket and jeans combo never fails. Yes – it looked good. And then the final touch. I opened a drawer and took out a silk scarf. Black – the best colour. I tied it fairly loosely round my neck. Then I looked at the effect in the mirror. Hey, sister, if I was meeting that girl, I would kneel down and eat her pussy. I looked that good.
I chose my best coat, picked up the holdall and my handbag and headed for the door. And stopped. And looked back. Paused. Yes? No? And decided: Yes. I went to my drawers, took it out and put it in the bag with the uniform.
Then I went down to the Tube.
* * *
The week that followed was hell. I couldn't compartmentalise the way Belinda could: she sailed through the week as if nothing whatever had happened. She was her usual self – friendly, cheerful, a bit lacking in confidence, even. Fran went back to being Fran, our friendly, easy-going English teacher. Only the white blouses and the scarves – and one wonderful day a tie – gave anything away, and even then, only to Belinda and me. I sometimes caught her exchanging looks with Belinda and felt left out – were they seeing each other during the week? Were Belinda's demarcation lines not quite as firm as she said? I was tortured by doubt. Looking back, I have no doubt – of course they were seeing each other. But at the time, I couldn't know because I didn't want to know. I wasn't even sure which of them I was jealous of – I just didn't want to be excluded: I wanted to be there with them.
And so we reached Friday, our very last day of school ever, a day of shrieks and hugs and swearing never to lose touch, ever and all the rest that goes with a school full of over-emotional teenage girls. And the Leavers' Party in the evening. Dear God I want to forget that. In case you're wondering – no, it definitely did not turn into some sexual free-for-all. For one thing, no boys were allowed, so everyone was planning to move on to a club afterwards. It was held in the school hall, with warm wine and plain crisps left out on metal-legged school canteen tables with white paper table cloths draped over them cross-ways, so you could still see the boring institutional yellow table top underneath. Everyone was dressed up in party dresses and standing round talking very fast and bursting out in hysterical laughter at almost anything anyone said. Our teachers were mingling with us all, including Fran, but I knew she was on duty that night, and therefore off-limits. She smiled at me whenever I caught her eye, but she didn't come over to chat: maybe she thought it would be too artificial, and maybe it would have been, but I wish she had tried. To make it worse, Belinda seemed to be off-limits too. At least, she was to me. She was the centre of attention, and everyone was throwing their arms around her, and she didn't seem to have a moment for me. I didn't want to believe she was avoiding me, but that's how it looked. I hoped she would notice me, notice how I was looking and feeling, I hoped she would stop and realise she'd been neglecting me, I hoped – and suddenly she was right by me. She was on her way to the loo. "Hi," she said, "you OK?" And she went past me.
I felt wretched. What had I done? Why were they being like this? Why were they ignoring me? Why couldn't they see what they were doing? I turned and ran out into the car park. I wanted to cry, but even tears wouldn't come. I just felt wretched and confused – I just didn't understand.
"Hello Louise. Is Belinda in there?"
It was Belinda's mum.
"She's in there," I said, making my voice sound as bright and normal as I could, and not succeeding. "I think she's just in the loo."
"That's no good. She'll be in there for ages, gossiping. She forgot her handbag when she went out and she'll need it for later. Are you going clubbing with them?"
"No."
She seemed surprised.
"Oh." She looked at me more closely. "Louise, are you all right?"
And that's when the tears flowed.
She took me home. Her home, I mean, not mine. She took me to her car, went in to give Belinda her handbag, then drove me back to the flat. She said if I wasn't going clubbing with the others, then I should still have a drink to celebrate the end of school. The situation was new and interesting, and I started to perk up a bit. Maybe I liked the idea of winning one over on Belinda by going to her flat with her mother. Maybe I had an idea of what was going to happen. Maybe – but more likely not.
"You'll have to excuse the mess," Mrs Stokes said as we came in. It didn't seem particularly messy to me, but there were a few cups and plates around, as if they'd had dinner in front of the telly and hadn't cleared up. "I'll just clear these things and then we can have a drink."
She picked up the cups and plates and headed into the kitchen. I sat down on an armchair and realised I'd sat on something. I felt behind and pulled it out – it was the strap-on dildo. I stared at it in horror and was still holding it when Mrs Stokes came through.
"Oh, that thing," she said. "I'm always telling Belinda not to leave it lying around. And I bet she hasn't cleaned it. It's so unhygienic." And she came over, took it from me, and took it into the kitchen. Fascinated, I followed. She was wiping it with a wet-wipe tissue.
"There's no need to be embarrassed," she said, still wiping it and without looking up at me: "Belinda and I have no secrets from each other. Or that, at any rate," she said, putting the dildo down and looking up at me, "is what she thinks."
This was amazing. Did this mean Mrs Stokes knew? I couldn't quite bring myself to ask directly, so I said, "What do you mean?"
"I mean," she said, "that I know about Fran, I know about Trixie, and I know about you."
I froze.
"It's all right, Louise, I'm very happy for you."
"Wh – what do you know?"
"Stay there," she said. "Give me a minute." And she went out of the kitchen. There was a brief pause, and then I heard her call from the sitting room, "Now go over near the door."
I walked back across the kitchen and, just before the door, I fell back with surprise. Mrs Stokes was standing in front of me, topless. What? How? Where? She wasn't in the room, yet –
"Now come in here. It's all right: don't be shy."