Sara Ch 01

I'd seen her around campus for several weeks. She looked like someone I wanted to know, someone that I could be friends with. It was only later, when I spotted her that one afternoon that I also wanted her. She was walking with some other girls past the music building. The other girls were well put together for nine o'clock in the morning; make-up jewelry, preppie clothes--but she was different. She walked with them but seemed to be in her own world. She listened to what they said as they walked; smiling and laughing, but there was an air of detachment about her responses. Unlike the others, she was wearing cut-off jeans and a T-shirt. Her light- brown hair hung down to her shoulders. Her flawless skin was golden brown; she'd probably been to the beach that summer, but I doubt that she'd spent hours trying to perfect a tan. It was a natural tone. She stood about 5'6' in her sneakers. There was a certain bounce in her walk that complimented her beautiful athletic body.

That first day that I saw her was a rough day for me. My boyfriend and I had spoken on the phone that morning and it was clear that it was over between us. He was a thousand miles away at another college and his phone conversations were evasive. I couldn't get him to open up to me, to share his feelings, and his letters were hopeless. I'd called him first thing that morning and we talked for nearly an hour. I finally got him to admit that he wanted to break up, that he'd met someone new. I was hurt, but I'd known since the end of the summer that the end was near and it was a relief when he finally said that we should see other people.

So I'd left the dorm in a bittersweet mood. I went to the dining hall alone and picked through some rubbery scrambled eggs and potatoes. I tried to keep from crying, but I couldn't help the tears that flowed while I sat there in a room full of strangers. I left and took the long walk to class, through town and past the Arts campus.

She smiled as I passed her, the path was narrow and her sorority girl friends didn't even bother to look as they passed me. I stepped out of the walkway and let them go. She looked up as I passed and smiled. "Sorry," she said.

"That's okay," I said. She passed me and looked back for a moment. She had beautiful green eyes. I met her gaze and turned and walked away. Something happened to me at that moment. I knew I wanted to be her friend, but I also was moved by her beauty. I felt that something happened between us at that moment. All I knew was that when my eyes met hers my heart skipped for a second, and that feeling scared me. I couldn't sort out my feelings at first, but when I saw her again, a few days later, reading outside the theater building, I knew that what I might be feeling was a crush.

She was sitting on the steps in front of the building, in the shade provided by a tree. Again, she was in cut-off and sneakers, and again something swooned inside me. Something made her look up from her book and meet my eyes. She smiled. I smiled and gave her a little wave and rushed into the building. I didn't know what to do. After class I went outside and hoped that she would still be under the tree. She wasn't. I went back to my dorm feeling a little depressed. I was still hurting from my break-up with Dan, but now there was this feeling of urgency about this person. A girl. A stranger. I didn't even know her name. I didn't know where she lived. It could be months before we crossed paths again.

The following Saturday, I went to see "Breathless" at the Arts building. I couldn't get any of my friends to go with me. They all had the same complaint: "subtitles." But when I got to the theater, and saw her walk inside and buy a ticket, I silently thanked each and every one of them for being so narrow-minded. I picked up my pace and practically ran into the building, talking my place on line right behind her. She turned around and glanced at me and did a double-take.

"Oh, hi!" she said.

"Hi,"

She smiled and offered her hand.

"We haven't actually met, have we?"

"No," I said.

"I'm Sara."

"I'm Jen."

"Nice to meet you."

We stood there looking at each other for a few seconds and then she turned away as if she was embarrassed by our meeting. Finally she spoke again. "I couldn't get anyone to come with me," she said.

"Subtitles?" I asked.

"Yeah...my friends are so lame."

"Mine too."

"Oh well..." She looked at the floor again and I could tell that she was as nervous as I was, even though we'd just met. The line moved quickly and we went inside the theater and sat down together.

The movie was great. It made me want to cut my hair, leave school and fly to Paris. Sara felt the same way, and she couldn't stop talking about Jean Seberg as we walked through the campus to a cafe next to a bookstore.

"I saw her in this really weird movie," she said. "With Warren Beatty." She told me about Lilith, this 60s movie set in a mental hospital.

"For rich people," she said. "They get to hang out in a beautiful old mansion, they take walks, ride bikes, play chess and read."

"Sounds great ."

"Of course things go totally wrong....they fall in love, Warren Beatty can't deal with the fact that Lilith is crazy, that everyone is obsessed with her...he's obsessed with her."

"She's beautiful."

"Her hair is long in this one...she looks totally different....more grown up. There's a scene where Warren Beatty follows her to this barn....she's holding hands with this other woman patient..."

I gasped. "No way!"

"He waits until after they've finished and then slaps her...I won't tell you what happens at the end. We'll have to watch it together sometime."

"Sounds cool. We could rent it."

"Or wait until it's on TV sometime. It's one of those old black and white movies that always seems to be on."

We sat down at the cafe and talked for a couple of hours. She told me almost everything about herself. She'd grown up mostly in Los Angeles, her parents, whom both worked in the movie business, were divorced. Her mother had moved to New York after the break-up and she'd spent the summer in Manhattan and she'd loved every minute.

"I want to live there after college," she said. "Work for a museum or something...anything but the movies."

I told her about myself, about growing up in a boring Midwestern suburb and about John, my boyfriend and how we'd just broken up the week before. She seemed interested in everything I had to say. She'd just broken up with someone herself, but she "didn't want to get into it." So we talked about other things. I just couldn't stop smiling. I felt so comfortable with her, and she seemed to feel the same way with me, so when she invited me up to her room, I just assumed that we'd just become friends, nothing more and would just hang out all night talking. But when I entered her room and sat down on her bed I noticed that she'd become very quiet.

"Do you want a drink?" she asked.

"Sure," I said.

She went to her little dorm refrigerator and pulled out a large bottle of white wine. "Can you get those glasses off the shelf?" she asked, pointing to a small shelf over her desk.

I stood up and went over and took the glasses and handed them to her. She poured us each a big glass. She clinked her glass onto mine. "To new friends," she said.

"New friends."

We sat down again and she let out a heavy sigh. She seemed nervous. "What's the matter?" I asked.

"Oh, nothing really...it's just that I don't think I've been totally honest with you."

I looked at her as she pushed her hair back and took a big sip of the white wine.

"Oh?"

"It's about my lover, my former lover, actually...we broke up right before I came here."

"Your boyfriend?"

"Girlfriend."

I stared at her and my heart began beating very fast, it was as if I'd instinctively known all along and had been drawn to her for that very reason. It scared me.

"Okay," I said.

She touched my knee and then touched my hair.

"But you knew that didn't you?"

I stood up and turned away from her, staring at the photographs of her roommate that cluttered the wall above her bed.

"It's okay," she said. "It wasn't like I was going to attack you...unless you wanted me too."

I turned around. I wanted her to do it more than anything, but everything was happening too fast and I wasn't sure that I wanted to let go at that moment. I put down my glass and grabbed my jacket.

"Maybe I should go," I said.

"Okay," she said.

"This is just happening too fast for me. I don't know how to feel about this. I like you. I like you a lot, but I just don't know."

"It's okay."

She hugged me, but it was awkward, and I left her room feeling terrible, but sure that I'd done the right thing. It was only later when I woke up in the middle of the night that I might have made a mistake and I cried myself to sleep, thinking that I might never have a moment like that with her again.

The next morning I slept late and walked uptown without showering, just pulling on an old pair of jeans and a sweater and my running shoes. I wandered through the campus, ending up in the town, looking at CDs and books at the campus bookstore. I couldn't stop thinking about her. I wanted to call, but I'd forgotten to get her number and she didn't have mine. I felt weird about going to her dorm, but I just couldn't stop myself.

I knocked twice. I could hear her fumbling around in the room. Finally, she opened the door. She was wearing her cut-offs and a halter top, a maroon one with blue piping. Her hair was down. She looked beautiful.

"Hi," she said.

"Hi," I said.

I came in and sat down on her bed. She sat at her desk and crossed her legs. I stared at the downy hairs going up her thighs. I wanted her.

"What's up?" she asked.

"Can we talk?" I asked.

"Sure," she said.

"Are you okay?"

She looked away. "Yeah," she said.

"Just forget it, Jen. Let's pretend that it never happened."

"What if I don't want to?"

"Maybe I want you to."

I didn't know what else to say. It was as if she'd forgotten everything. She couldn't look me in the eye. I got so frustrated that I got up to leave. As I passed her she grabbed my hand.

"Don't go," she said. I stopped and moved toward her. She put her head against my chest and her arms round my waist. I touched her hair and then bent down and kissed the top of her head.

I pulled her off the chair and lead her to her bed. She lay down and reached for me. I got on the bed and lay next to her. She turned and faced me. I touched her hair and took in her scent. Just do it, I thought. Just kiss her. I brought my lips to hers and barely brushed against them. She didn't resist. She moved toward me and we brought our lips together again. She let out a deep breath. Her eyes opened and looked at me. I put my arm around her waist and pulled her toward me. We kissed again. "Finally," she whispered.

I blushed. "I know," I said.

I laid back down on the bed and she put her head on my shoulder. There was a long silence between us. I took her hand in mine and our fingers interlocked. "I was so afraid," I said.

"Me too," She said.

"Let's go slow. I want this to be special."

We kissed again and this time it was more passionate. I could feel her tongue enter my mouth. I met it with mine and our mouths opened wide. Her body felt so warm against mine. I put my hand under her T-shirt and caressed the small of her back. Her tongue gently glided across my teeth and I met it with mine. She moved on top of me and I wrapped my legs around hers .

We just kissed and held each other for the rest of the afternoon. I couldn't stop smiling and neither could she. The next few days were the same. I would come over to her room when her roommate went to her night class and we would spend a couple of hours in her bed making out, holding each other, nothing more. Nothing else seemed to exist. I could barely pay attention in class and I barely spoke to any of my other friends.

The following week, her father's girlfriend was coming to visit. Her father's ex-girlfriend, actually, as they had broken up recently. Sara really liked her, and she seemed anxious about her visit and we saw less of each other. She said that Resa was very upset and that they had a lot to talk about. I worried that she was avoiding me. We still hadn't talked about what had happened, and as the days passed I wondered if we ever would. Our phone conversations were brief, and when I tried knocking on her door, no one answered. I asked her friend Kelly if she'd seen her around and she said that Resa had arrived the night before. She'd seen them leave the dorm together. She said that Resa was a really beautiful and sophisticated woman. "She looked a lot like Jennifer Garner's mom in Alias," she said.

On Saturday, I went to the library early and tried to study, but I couldn't, so I walked uptown and went to the record store. Nothing caught my eye, I knew I shouldn't be spending money anyway. As I was leaving I saw her and Resa walking across the street. I wondered what I should do. My first instinct, of course, was to run away. It wasn't worth it. I didn't deserve to be happy anyway. Sara didn't really like girls. She was just playing with me. But then, as I crossed the street and walked toward them, it hit me; they were involved with each other. Why else would she be pushing me away like this? The realization sent my stomach into knots and my face felt flush. Was this a good or a bad thing? I approached them. I had nothing to lose. Resa saw me first and stared. I stared back and then looked at Sara, who tried to smile, but still looked startled. Resa looked over at Sara and back at me. "Hi," I said. I was wearing my hair down and a summer dress and sandals. I knew I looked good.

"Hi," she said.

"Hello," Resa said. "You're Jen?"

"Yes," I said.

She offered me her hand. "Resa," she said.

I stood for a minute longer, not knowing what to do next.

I looked at Sara. She looked cute. She was dressed up, wearing a short skirt and heels. I stared at her feet. She'd put nail polish on them. She caught me looking.

"A pedicure," she said. "Resa's treat."

Resa rolled her eyes. "I've been trying to get her to do this for months now."

She looked at Resa and then at me. "We were going to call you later, see if you wanted meet up with us," Sara said.

"Okay...," I said.

Resa smiled at me. She did look like the mother from Alias. She was beautiful. It was intimidating. She seemed to be looking me over. I wondered if Sara told her anything. She seemed nervous, as if was going to say something wrong. It was hard for me to relax.

"Sara didn't tell me how pretty you were," Resa said.

I blushed again. "Thank you," I said. I couldn't help but stare at the two of them. I wondered how much Sara had told Resa, if she'd told her anything about us. It was hard to know. We stood for another moment and then Sara said that they had to go shop for a gift for her father and that they would call me later. I left them there and walked back to the dorm slightly dazed. I took a nap and waited for them to call. The afternoon turned into night. I studied some more and stared at the phone. Then I decided to go by her room. I knew that I shouldn't but I couldn't stop myself. I had to know what was going on.

The door was slightly ajar. I stood for a minute and listened. I heard some sounds coming from the room. I knocked. No one answered. I opened the door and caught Sara and Resa in a romantic embrace, kissing each other softly as tears flowed down their cheeks. I turned and closed the door, which knocked them out of their trance. I could hear Sara open the door and yell my name. I didn't look back. I ran back to my room and fell upon my bed. I was inconsolable.

The next few days were agony. Sarah was never in her room and my emails and phone messages went unanswered. I didn't see her at the dining hall or the gym. I walked around in a daze, spending most of my time in the library.

Finally, on the following Friday, after catching a glimpse of her in the dining hall during dinner, she called me and asked me to come by her room.

"Now?" I asked. "Why don't we wait another week?"

"Please, now," she said.

I walked down the hall and down the stairs to her floor. My heart was pounding and I could barely say hello to some friend of mine as I walked past them. Sara's door was open. I walked in. She was sitting on her bed with her legs crossed.

"Hi," she said.

"Hi," I replied. I smiled. She smiled. I sat down on her roommate's bed, but I couldn't relax. I sat up straight and planted my feet on the rug. Her hair was down and down her shoulders and back. She pushed some of it back. I couldn't keep my legs from shaking.

"I'm not mad at you," she said.

"I know," I said.

"It's my fault, I forgot to lock the door."

"No...it's my fault."

"No...it's just that we were saying good-bye...nothing was supposed to happen. But it's over now. For good. I just kissed her goodbye."

"Where is she going?"

"Back to Los Angeles, we might not see each other for a while."

"See each other?"

"No...not like that. We hadn't done that since the end of the summer. The weekend was a mistake."

She looked down and bit her lip. I swallowed hard.

"So you and her..."

"Yes...not here...back at her hotel...last night."

I stood up. I tried to walk to the door.

"Where are you going?" she asked.

"Sara, please," I said "I can't hear anymore."

She stood up as if in a trance and followed me to the door. She took a deep breath.

"Please," I said. Leaned against the door and grabbed the doorknob for support. She came toward me and put her arms around my waist and kissed me on the lips.

I wanted to scream. I opened my mouth and she put her hand over it. She kissed me again.

"I'm sorry I lied to you." she said.

"I'm sorry too."

"I told her about us."

"You did?"

"It's okay. We can be together now."

We embraced and then she leaned in and kissed me again. I relented and kissed her back. I put my arms around her shoulders and drew her body towards mine. We sat down on the bed and I took in her soft kisses and her breath, which was sweet and hot. I laid her down the bed and got on top of her, grinding against her, my hair falling past my shoulders onto hers. I took her hands and pinned her to the bed. She put her hands on my ass and I shivered. I began kissing her neck and as she moaned I tongued her ear.

"I wanted to do this last week, but I couldn't," she said in a whisper. "I knew she was visiting and my head was all fucked up. I'm sorry I hurt you. I didn't want to. I love you."

"I...I...love you too Sara...I'm sorry I got so mad."

She smiled and then took my face in her hands and we mashed our lips and tongues together. Then my breasts rubbed against hers and I could feel her hardened nipples through her T-shirt.

"Mmmm," she said.

I kneeled up on the bed and pulled my sweater off. Sara pulled hers off. We moved up on the bed and she rested her head on the pillow.

"I'm getting so wet thinking about what I'm going to do to you," she said.

"I want you to do everything." I whispered.

"There's no rush. We have all weekend...Jill won't be back until Monday."

Then she spread her legs apart and I put one of my legs in between and we rubbed against each other through our jeans.

"Oh my god," she said. Then she put her hands in the back of my pants and grabbed my ass. I looked at her beautiful face and her long blonde hair and felt dizzy.

"I can't get enough of you," I said. "You know I came the last time."

"I know."

"We barely did anything."

"It was enough," she said "You were so hot."

I kissed her neck, her shoulder and then her breasts.

"This feels so nice," she said.

We stopped kissing and I grabbed the buckle of her belt and pulled