Jane had grown tired of waiting for her best friend Paul to show up. She was seated in the food court of her local downtown mall, lazily sipping on a mocha. She had been waiting for him for an hour, and had only tolerated the wait because it gave her an excuse to devour her guilty pleasures - white macadamia nut cookies and the latest celebrity gossip magazine.
"I can't believe
she
is pregnant! Why are they all pregnant nowadays?" she said to no one in particular.
Remembering the world outside Hollywood again, she checked her watch: 3:45.
That's it!
she thought to herself and prepared to get up and leave.
No sooner had she stood up to put on her coat than she felt a strong pair of hands on her shoulders. "Paul!" she squeaked, and turned around to give him a hug.
"Hey, Janie babe!" he said, warmly returning the greeting. "Sorry I was so late. You'll understand in a second."
Jane returned to her seat, closing the magazine and looking across the table at the newly seated Paul Westenheim. "Let me guess," she said, lightly mocking him, "you had to deliver a huge lecture at the University to the incoming medical students?"
"Ouch," he said, feigning insult. His voice took on a modicum of seriousness, "No. No big university would have me. I am too unorthodox...they call me a witch doctor instead of a chemist," he said, avoiding her eyes, and looking into the distance. He was looking back at the life he never had. He had been thrown out of one of the top colleges in the country.
"Then what was it, Paul, that was important enough to keep me waiting here, to get ogled by perverted old Pretzel makers?" she asked, betraying annoyance.
"I've developed something that is going to...change the world. Something incredible. Something no one else could ever have even imagined!" Paul said.
Jane mentally rolled her eyes, though she was too kind to let her old friend see her skepticism. "This isn't like the pill to cure the cold, or the sunburn pill is it? You know that stuff didn't work. I had to watch you fall flat on your face in front of the local medical community. It hurt watching it, Paul, it really did."
"No. This works. It really truly works," Paul responded.
Jane sighed. "Lay it on me then! What is it?"
Paul rubbed his chin for a moment. "Okay. What is it that every modern man wants from his girlfriend, or wife, or significant other?"
Jane furrowed her brow, "Oh, I dunno, Paul...blonde hair and big silicone breasts?" she answered with a nervous chuckle.
"Hmmm, can you show me a perfect example of that type in your celebrity magazine over there?" Paul asked.
Jane was somewhat confused, but she obediently leafed through the cheap rag. She came to a picture of particularly busty blonde Hollywood starlet, and pointed the picture out to Paul. "Here," she said. "Now what does any of this have to do with your "medical breakthrough"?"
Paul ignored her direct question, and after looking over the picture of Scarlett Johanssen he looked into Jane's eyes. "See, Janie, that is where you are wrong. Not all guys are THAT shallow. Perhaps the more important question though is: What do you think when you see this picture of Scarlett Johanssen?"
Jane turned the magazine around to look her over. "Oh I dunno. I don't get what guys see in her. She looks kind of slutty in that dress," she said. "Guys like that though I guess. What does ANY of this have to do with your work?"
Paul leaned in and spoke softly, "How much do you think a guy would want you if you thought Scarlett Johanssen was the hottest thing you had ever laid eyes on, that the sight of her in that dress made you wet? That you would give your left arm to go down on her?"
Jane just frowned, because she didn't understand, and his language was making her uncomfortable.
"Perhaps I should put it more clearly. You see, every guy, whether he marries the girl-next-door or the tramp-next-door, would give his left arm to have a threesome. Its every guys' absolute wet dream. There is one obstacle: most women aren't particularly attracted to other women. There are some who are, sure, and there are some who will willfully slog through it to make their husband or boyfriend happy, but then are bitter about it."
Paul continued, "I truly believe what every man really wants is an open-minded wife, who loves him unconditionally, as well as a hot tramp who would get down on the next hot female piece of ass she saw..."
Jane interrupted, "Paul, please stop using that kind of language. Look, this whole topic is kind of disgusting. Is that what you think, in your deluded mind, this pill of yours does? It makes girls into lesbians?"
Paul raised a finger to silence her, "Not think - KNOW! And this is no delusion. This formula works. A girl takes a couple of pills, and she is ready, no DESPERATE, to fuck the next girl who comes along her path. It doesn't matter. All that matters is that she is female and attractive."
Jane sat in stunned silence, and was shocked to feel that a tiny, tiny part of her was turned on by his description.
"The pill takes control of the woman's sexual drive, Janie. You see, I did thorough neurological tests. I studied the chemicals that are exuded in the female brain in situations of extreme sexual arousal.
"A straight woman's brain releases subtle signals upon seeing an attractive man, and a different set of signals upon seeing a woman. This pill releases chemicals that switch the signals, and strongly stimulate extreme sexual response. Thus, a woman becomes, temporarily at least, a hopelessly turned-on lesbian. Once she takes the pill, there is nothing she can do about it, except find a hot girl and eat her out, or whatever else her transformed mind can think of."
Jane absorbed all the information. "Wow. Who do you plan to sell this to?"
Paul was pleased she hadn't completely freaked. "Well, I will ship it to adult novelty stores, and hopefully, once it is FDA approved, to the pharmacy at your local grocery store. Anyone could buy it - horny straight men, bored straight women, lesbians with unrequited crushes...it will be a hit, I can feel it."
"So why do you need me?" Jane asked.
"Well, I have done preliminary testing. Distributed it in nightclubs, disguised as ecstacy and such. The results have been overwhelmingly positive. I need one last test though, someone to write an extensive journal after having been exposed to the drug multiple times..."
"You want me to take it?!!" Jane asked..
"No," Paul said. "I want you to live with it! I want you to take it for seven days, and write a daily journal about its effects."
"Paul! I can't. I am straight! I have a boyfriend! The thought of being with a woman isn't in the least bit arousing to me!"
:Paul laughed. "Of course, Janie babe! That's why it SHOULD be you. You're the model straight girl. The girl-next-door! If this works on you, it would work on anyone!"
Janie settled down. She was still a little shocked. This had all come about so suddenly. She couldn't change her lifestyle! The thought of being with a woman did nothing for her. The thought of touching another girl's vagina...eww! She and her boyfriend were 8 weeks away from getting married!
"Why should I, Paul? Tell me why I should do this for you?"
"If you do it, Janie, I will pay for your wedding and give you an extra 20,000 dollars to spend however you see fit! That is the price I will pay for your willing cooperation."
Jane was taken aback. That was incredibly generous. Paul was offering to make her life immensely easier for the next year.
