Rules For Kristin

RULES FOR KRISTIN

I looked down the list of reservations for the cabins. They would start arriving shortly after noon. Technically, check-in time was 2pm but on Friday's some of them always showed up early. I needed to get the keys and paperwork ready.

somebody

somebody

Susan Miller.........

Fuck, why did there need to be so many fucking Susan Millers in the world. Every time I see that name, I remembered. Remembered the day that we each got in our respective cars, and drove in opposite directions, to opposite sides of the country. Remembered fighting, each crying and blaming the other for being unreasonable and unwilling to cooperate. It was ugly. Every time I saw that name, and there are so fucking many Susan Millers in the world.

And then she walked through the door and froze.

"Kris. I thought you were in DC."

"Suzie. I'm not." My brain was not working. "Why.........?"

"I want to check in early, can I get the key?"

"OK." I handed her the packet with the paperwork and a key, then stared stupidly at her hair as she walked out the door. She has really nice hair. I really like her hair, long, cascading down her back, trim waist, I really like her ass, nice fitting capris, really like that ass..........

"Hey Kristin, did you......... what's wrong with you?" Janet looked at me standing there in a daze.

I blinked, wondered how long I'd been standing there, "Ah nothing, what's up?"

"You looked out of it. I was going to ask if all the cabins are ready or if you need me to help."

"Not yet, but I can get it. I was just going to do that........." I saw a car pull up in front, and I saw who was in it. I practically ran into the back office and shut the door.

"Um hi." I could hear Suzie through the door. "I just got my key and was going to check in early, but I think this is the wrong key."

"OK, yeah it is. Here. I'm not sure if that cabin has actually been cleaned yet though, I'll have Kristin go down and..."

"NO!!! I mean it's OK, I'll clean it. Don't worry about it." Her footsteps sounded really fast as she left.

Janet came into the office and closed the door again behind her. "So what's that all about?"

"Suzie is... well used to be....we were together for a while."

"So, bad breakup then?"

"Really bad. Really, fucking, bad."

"How long were you together?"

"Six years, all through grad school, and most of under grad."

"And then?"

"I went to D.C. and she went to Portland. The one in Oregon."

"And that was it? You never saw each other after that?"

"Or ever spoke to each other again..........."

"Wow, this is juicy!"

"Really? You're going to sit there and bask in my misery?"

"Nope, I'm going to go find out what I can get out of her." Janet got up and left.

I still had all the other cabins to get ready, so I pulled myself together and got to work. I carefully avoided cabin #3 all day. When I finished at 4:00 and was getting ready to leave, Janet pulled me into the office again.

"She's driving out to visit her parents, and decided to stay here and break up the trip. She didn't say where they live, but she's coming from Ohio."

"New Hampshire. Hanover."

"OK. So, like how serious were you two?"

"We were engaged." I groaned, I really didn't want to relive all that.

"Seriously? You were fucking engaged? And then you moved to opposite sides of the country and never spoke to each other again?"

"Yeah............ I know, right?"

"Well she seems just as eager to avoid you as you do her. She asked if you were going to be here and seemed relieved when I told her you have this weekend off. Otherwise I couldn't get much out of her. Any time I came close to talking about you, she just clammed up tight. But I have all weekend to work on her, I'll get the story out of one of you two."

I knew she would too, Janet is relentless when she smells juicy gossip.

On Monday, I was expecting Janet to want to talk about whatever she found out. And truth is, I was dying to find out, even if I didn't want to admit it to myself; and I certainly wasn't going to admit it to Janet.

Tuesday afternoon I got a text from a phone number I didn't recognize:

my parents are asking how you are, what would you like me to tell them

Who the hell's parents would be asking about me? I looked at the number again, pretty sure that's an Ohio area code. Ohio? Shit. It was Janet's day off so I called her.

"Hi Kristin, everything OK there?"

"Did you give her my phone number?"

"maybe. sort of."

"What the hell, Janet!"

"Well, there's some big event at her parents this week, and she seemed a little sad that she was going alone, and other stuff."

"Yeah, it's their 40

th

wedding anniversary tomorrow. That's why they are pestering her with questions."

"How do you know that?"

"She just texted me"

"Really? That's great!" Janet was practically giddy. "And what did you reply?"

"I haven't. And I'm not sure I will."

"Of course you will. You will call her when you finish work."

"No way, I'm not doing that, I'm not calling her."

"Kristin, don't be unreasonable. Is this what got you into trouble in the first place? You're such a blockhead. Either you call her tonight, or I will get your mother involved."

I hung up. I don't remember why she had ever called my mother in the first place, a year or two ago. I was probably being difficult, I'm famous for that. But they had become friends even though they still have yet to meet in person. Every time I start to get ornery, she threatens to call my mother.

I knew I wasn't going to get out of it, so I texted her back.

pretty well, hated D.C. too much politics, quit USFS, moved here 3 years ago

By the time I got off work there was still no reply. I went for a short run, and by 5:30 when I got home there was still no reply. By the time I finished supper there was still no reply. Then Janet called me.

"You still haven't called Suzie." It wasn't a question.

"How do you know that?"

"I'm hanging up now, if you don't call her in the next 5 minutes, I'm calling your mother."

Fuck! Why does this shit happen to me? I sent her another text.

is it OK if I call?

Within seconds I got a reply.

yes

I grit my teeth and hit the button.

"Hi Kris"

"Janet made me call, she threatened to get my mom involved."

She laughed a little, "So you hate me that much then, that it takes the threat of Alice."

"I don't hate you Suzie, it's just..............."

"What? It's just what?"

"Painful. I was really trying to get over........And I'm really not prepared for this."

"It was a shock for me too, Kris. I swear, I had no idea you were there. I thought you were still in D.C. I'm not stalking you, in case that's what you're thinking."

"No, I never thought that. Really I was so stunned, I didn't think anything."

"So is the threat of Alice the only reason you called?"

"Suzie, I.....I don't know what to say. It's been so long."

"After everything.......you have nothing to say......to me?" I thought she was going to cry.

Nothing to say? I had so much to say to her, but how does one do that after 5 years? I wanted to tell her how much I missed her, how hard it had been on me, how scared I was that she found someone else and moved on....so many things.

"Suzie? Are you happy? With how it turned out?"

"No."

"Me either."

"But it did, Kris. Goodbye." And she hung up. Just like that. Doesn't get more final than that.

An hour later I got a text from Janet.

good first step

Good? What the hell was good about that? Any vague, secret, illogical, unlikely fantasy that I might have been clinging to, that something might still happen, was now utterly, completely and finally dead.

Janet didn't work again until Friday, and I didn't hear from Suzie again. So I suffered through another couple days until I could accost her.

"Janet, have you been talking to her?" I demanded.

"Kristin," she replied sternly. "I shall talk to whomever I damn well please, and I will not answer to you. Do not take that tone with me, young lady."

Janet was nearly my mom's age, and more and more was starting to sound like her. I deflated.

"Will you at least tell me what she said?" I asked, contritely.

"No, I will not. I recommend you talk to her yourself."

"She hung up on me. She won't talk to me."

Janet gave me that 'don't lie to me' look, that mothers everywhere have perfected.

"OK, I'll call her."

I sent her a text.

can I call you tonight?

anytime after 8

My mom called me shortly after I got home from work. It seemed suspicious. There didn't seem to be any particular reason she called, she was just chatting about inconsequential things. After the fourth time that she asked whether anything interesting was going on with me, I gave up.

"I saw Suzie. She randomly stayed at the campground last weekend."

"Did you talk to her? Or are you still pretending that you don't care?" she asked without the least bit of surprise at the news, and I knew why she had called.

"I don't know."

"Yes you do, Kristin. The way you left her, and your behavior toward her since then, has been atrocious. Now you need to start acting like an adult and stop this nonsense. This is not how you treat people you love."

"It's all over now, Mom, it's been over for years. It doesn't matter anymore."

"That is not an excuse. She deserves to be treated with respect regardless of your current relationship status. You will call her, and you will apologize."

"Yes Mom, I'm calling her at 8."

She let me out of the hot seat then, and changed the conversation to Dad's newest project; he had found some other old car that was a "rare deal" and had started to restore it.

It was actually a couple minutes before 8 that I called. I couldn't take it any longer.

"Suzie? I'm sorry, there are a lot of things I want to say. Most of them don't matter anymore. But I'm sorry. Sorry for what I said. Sorry for how it turned out. I was......not very nice. And I know it doesn't matter now, but I am."

"Thank you, Kris. I said a lot of things too, that I'm sorry for. It was bothering me, and now at least, I have some closure."

Closure. Ouch! So she can move on, close the book on that section of history, close me out.

"Yeah, I guess. Tell your parents congratulations for me, how are they?"

We talked a while longer about things that didn't matter. Only one thing mattered. We didn't talk about that.

A couple of months later, it was mid-August, a few weeks before school would start and everyone with kids was trying to get one last camping trip in. The weekend would be insane, but it was only Tuesday. I was looking down the reservation list.

empty

somebody

empty

Charles Miller

empty

Only 2 cabins to get ready right away, then I could clean the others later. Suzie has a brother named Charlie, I thought idly. I hit print and walked over to collect the paperwork. Wait a minute...no....no.....no. I looked at the address for Charles Miller: Youngstown Ohio. FUCK, fuck fuck fuck. Why is this shit happening? There was no way this was a coincidence this time. Janet was not working today, I couldn't hide behind her for this one.

I don't know when they arrived, but a crew cab truck with a boat behind it was at Cabin 4 when I made my final round before quitting time. A couple cute kids were roasting marshmallows, they should be about 5 and 8 now. Let's just get this over with, I took a deep breath.

"Hi Kris!" Samantha came and gave me a hug. "It's great to see you, you're looking good."

"Thanks Sam, good to see you too." I'm not sure how true that was, but she was a sweet person.

"Charlie walked down to the lake a bit ago, he should be back soon. You remember Emma and Kyle. Kids, come and say hi to Kristin."

They dutifully came and said hi, with as little interest as kids have in things that are not marshmallows.

"So how have you been? Suzie told us that she stayed here on her way up to the reunion, and how nice it is. So we just had to try it out. It's beautiful here."

"It is beautiful here, it's a really nice park. I really love it in the winter. Not many people come then, so it's really quiet and peaceful."

"Oh we should totally try that. It sounds lovely."

Charlie hadn't come back, and I really preferred not to have to talk to him too, so I made an excuse.

"Ah Sam, I just stopped by to make sure everything is OK with the cabin, you have everything you need and stuff?"

"Yes, it's perfect. Such an adorable spot, too."

"OK great. I need to go check on everything else now, then, before I'm done for the day. Someone will be here at 7 tomorrow morning if you need anything."

"You're not working tomorrow, then?"

"No, I have a couple days off. I'm stuck with doing the weekend."

"Oh perfect. You should come and hang out with us then, for a while."

"OK, maybe I will. Bye Sam." There was no fucking way in fucking hell that I'd be hanging the fuck out with her brother's family. I smiled, waved and hopped in the truck.

-----

I was sitting in my back yard with a book and my coffee, having a really pleasant morning, when my phone chirped.

Kris, it's Sam. when will you be here? Charlie is wondering when to start grilling the burgers

Shit! No more nice pleasant morning. The problem with Sam is that she is so sweet I can't blow her off or bullshit her. After about 5 minutes I still could not think of a plausible excuse.

probably in a couple hours

OK, see you at noon, burgers will be waiting

That's not what I agreed to.....there was no point trying to get out of it. Sam was going to get her way. I got there a few minutes before noon. No point delaying the inevitable, and anyway, I did genuinely like them. I had been friends with Sam, still am I guess, probably no reason why I'm not still friends with her.....

When Suzie had refused to come to DC with me and we split up, I totally closed in on myself. Other than people at my new job, and my mom, I didn't talk to anyone for months. I thought about that....I still don't really talk to anyone else. Never keep in touch with old friends. The only other thing I do is run, and that's completely solitary. There's some nice trails through the park; a big reason why I wanted to live here.

I parked my truck by their cabin.

"Kris! You're looking great." Charlie nearly squashed me to death with his hug.

"Hi Charlie, good to see you."

I sat in a camp chair near Sam and took the can of hard cider she offered. "Technically, alcoholic beverages are not allowed in Pennsylvania State Parks, Mrs. Miller. If I were in my uniform, I would have to yell at you."

We both laughed and drank them anyway. We chatted about random stuff, while Charlie finished grilling the burgers and threw a comment over at us once in a while. The burgers were good, and I was starting to relax a bit.

"You look like that lady in the picture Aunt Susan has by her bed," Emma observed.

I gulped. I knew exactly what picture she was talking about. I didn't know that Suzie had it...by her bed.

"You're very pretty, are you Aunt Susan's friend?"

"Thank you. You're such a sweetheart, Emma."

"Aunt Susan and Kristin went to college together," Sam saved me from actually answering the question. Clearly she had more practice deflecting awkward questions from 5 year olds than I did.

It was a nice afternoon and I didn't hate it. I ended up enjoying it. Sam kept the conversation light and easy. Charlie strayed a bit too close to painful areas, but Sam deftly redirected. The kids were pestering them to go swimming, so I took my opportunity and said goodbye.

-----

I called Suzie as soon as I was home.

"Hi Kris, what's new?"

"Sam and Charlie are at the campground, I was over visiting them for a bit. Had some burgers. They seem to be doing well."

"Yeah. Kyle and Emma are growing so fast, aren't they?"

"Tell me about it. They seem to like the campground, talked about coming during the winter."

"Hmm, seems like it would be cold then. Doesn't sound fun to me."

"Suzie, why did you tell them?"

"She twisted it out of me. You know how Sam is. She could tell that I was avoiding it and she kept at me until I caved. It's impossible to lie to her, you know that. Anyway, what's the big deal? You don't have to avoid my family just because you're avoiding me."

"I'm not......OK, I guess I am. It's just easier this way."

"Look, it's fine. Do what you want. I'm just not going to tell everyone they have to avoid you because it's easier for you."

"I didn't mean it that way."

"Kris, why did you call me then?"

Good question, why did I call? It was nice visiting with Sam and Charlie, I didn't want to avoid them. My mom had yelled at me for acting immature and obnoxious, was I doing that again? Why had I nearly died when Emma asked about that picture?

I knew why I had called, what I wanted to tell her. To tell her what I wanted. Did I have the courage to say it? She was waiting for me to say it, she wanted me to tell her.

"It's nice to hear your voice, Suzie" I didn't say it.

"Would you like me to tell you a bedtime story, Kris?"

"Aaahh, sure?" I laughed tentatively.

"It's past my bedtime," the disappointment in her voice crushed me. "Good night."

I looked at the silent phone in my hand, the time was 6:07 pm. Past her bedtime?

I changed into my running gear and hit the trail, two hours in the forest will be good for me. I love being in the forest, that's the whole reason I had studied forestry in the first place. I thought working for the US Forest Service would be a perfect job. But DC sucked, and I did nothing related to forestry. It wasn't the dream job I wanted, it was a nightmare. Suzie had told me a million times that there were plenty of forests in Oregon, I'd be able to find something there. She said she couldn't imagine why I would go to DC, it isn't the "sort of environment where you will thrive." She had been so right; she was always right.

----

Thursday I had the day off, and was enjoying a coffee and reading

The Tennis Star

in my back yard when Sam called.

"Morning Kris, hey can you do me a huge favor? The kids are out of marshmallows, and we could use some more cider, to be honest. And I hate driving the truck through town with the boat trailer. Since you're coming over in a bit anyway, would you mind terribly just swinging past the grocery store for me?"

I hadn't actually been planing to spend the day with them again, but I guess I was now.

"Ah, OK Sam. Let me scrounge a pencil and then tell me what you need."

It was another really pleasant day. It wasn't on Sam's grocery list, but I stopped off at a small meat shop and got some Italian sausages that they make there. This little shop makes great sausage and smoked meats, so when I want something better I go to them. Charlie grilled the sausages for us, hotdogs for the kids, and we drank cider and chatted.

"This is so almost perfect," Sam observed contentedly. "I wish Suzie were here, then it would be perfect."

I had been thinking the same thing, I was just too afraid to say it out loud. Sam was watching me close when she said it, looking for my reaction. I didn't jump, didn't startle, just sighed.

"Yeah, it would be.............."

"So call her tonight then. Emma, you have marshmallow all in your hair again. Kyle, go get your swimming suit on and then we're going down to the lake. Are you coming with us, Kris?"

"I didn't bring a suit. And actually I was planning to take a run this afternoon. So I'll head home now. It was really great hanging out with you Sam. I'm glad you guys came." And this time I meant it.