Rachel had always known she was gay, but would never admit it, even to herself. West Michigan had been a conservative area since before she was born, and little had changed in the ideologies of its residents in her twenty-three years growing up and living there. She had never come out about being gay, and hadn't really believed it herself. She passed it off as a fleeting thought here or there. It was nothing to dwell on. She had dated men. The longest that was four months, and the second longest a lagging two weeks. Rachel threw herself into her church youth group, or various volunteering activities, anything to keep her mind from wandering toward other women. It had worked, the more she ran the less she thought about them.
As Rachel made her way through college she became more involved in campus activities, devoting her time to making the world a better place little by little. She had met Emily while planning a marathon to raise money. The two became fast friends and spent the better part of three years volunteering and organizing together before finally graduating. They had gotten an apartment together, they had both looked for work unsuccessfully together, and they had both given up, taking jobs as waitresses at the same restaurant together.
Rachel sighed as she opened the beaten up door to her apartment. The hallway to the apartment was a series of decrepit doors, most missing one or another of their numbers to identify them. The interiors were nicer, albeit small. Rachel stepped in the door and quickly locked it behind her. She kicked off her shoes and dropped her messenger bag to the ground, next to the shoes. She leaned against the wall for a moment and contemplated moving her messenger bag to a better spot, but decided it could sit there and moved on, into the apartment. Her eyes followed an imaginary line in the carpet. When she finally looked up she saw Emily, nicely dressed, standing next to the little island that acted to partition off the kitchenette. In her hand was a single rose.
"For me?" Rachel said with astonishment.
Emily nodded. "I thought you might enjoy it."
"Aww," Rachel practically yelled as she reached out to take the rose. "Thank you so much." She looked up to Emily. "You didn't have to." Rachel held the rose in front of her mouth.
Emily shrugged and smirked. "I thought you'd enjoy it."
Rachel smelled the rose deeply. "I love it, thank you." She stood on her tiptoes to hug Emily, who stood a good four inches taller than Rachel. "What's this for?"
Emily embraced Rachel, holding her close. "Nothing, I just wanted to do something nice."
Rachel let go and held the rose to her nose as she looked down. "Thank you, it made my day." Emily stood, awkwardly staring at Rachel. There was a strange silence in the apartment. "What?" Rachel asked with a glance to the side.
Emily shook her head. "Nothing."
"You look like there's something you want to say," Rachel said. She spun the rose in front of her mouth. The silky petals felt good against her lips.
Emily tapped her foot and looked from side to side.
"What?" Rachel laughed nervously.
Emily bit her lip, and stood silently for a minute. "I want to get to know you better," Emily finally blurted. She grimaced at her own words.
"Like what do you mean? A further friendship?" Rachel lowered the rose from her face.
Emily took a deep breath. "No, I mean...." Emily paused. "I'm crazy about you. Head over heels crazy about you." Emily stood frozen, her heart pounding as she instantly regretted what she had just done.
Rachel cocked her head to the side. "What?" She asked confused.
"I'm in love with you," Emily blurted out. Her knuckles whitened as she balled her hands into fists. Every muscle in her body tensed.
Rachel was stunned. At the same time she was horrified and flattered. She stood for a moment trying to understand what had really happened. There was a long pause, the longest either of them had ever felt. "I'm sorry, but I just don't think of you in that way. You're a great friend, but I just...I'm sorry." Rachel's voice lacked the compassion she had meant. It was flat and monotone. She was too stunned to actually think.
Emily bit her lip and closed her eyes. She nodded and looked down. "Yeah, it was stupid." She shook her head furiously, her brown hair whipping from side to side in its ponytail. Her glasses wobbled a little on her nose with the movement.
Rachel put a hand on Emily's shoulder. "Hey, I love your friendship. I don't want to ruin that."
Emily nodded briefly, still staring to the floor. "Yeah," she said quietly.
Rachel didn't know what to say. "It's been a long day," Rachel said. "I think I'm going to bed."
Emily didn't look at Rachel or react. Her eyes were locked firmly on the ground below.
Rachel took the flower and stepped into her bedroom only a few feet away. She locked the door behind her, a little unnerved. Rachel set the flower on the dresser and sat on the edge of the bed. Her head was spinning, her heart racing. So many things were flowing through her mind. Old feelings were resurfacing. She felt excited, and at the same time horrified that she was excited. Who she was, everything she had made herself into, told her this was wrong. Rachel lay back on the bed and stared at the ceiling. She listened to the soft patter of feet in the apartment as Emily shut off the lights. She watched the light through the cracks around her door turn to black. She listened to the silence after she heard Emily's door close. Rachel did everything she could to not think. She wanted the feelings to pass before she did anything. For two hours she stared at the ceiling, the light on. Her eyes ached, her body was tired, but she couldn't sleep.
As she grew tired her thoughts drifted. First to trying to sleep, then to Emily. She remembered all the nights she had laid on the couch with Emily watching TV. She remembered how they would occasionally sleep in the same bed. To Rachel it had been to fulfill a need for physical contact, something she hadn't thought Emily was doing as the two spooned in front of the TV. She could see Emily's back in the morning as the two woke up side by side. Emily was tall and thin, and Rachel could see the curve of Emily's breasts above her flat stomach, the line of her bra as she rolled onto her back in bed.
Rachel shot out of bed and stood up. Her heart pounded. She stared into the mirror above her dresser. Her shoulder length brown hair swayed as she tried to shake the thoughts of Emily out. Rachel's skin was naturally tan-looking, thanks to a Hispanic mother. She was shorter than Emily, and curvier, so the mirror only showed down to her upper chest. Rachel could hear her own breath rattle loudly through her body. Her arms shook as she reached for the door and opened it. She crossed the hall to Emily's room slowly. Rachel paused at the door, her nerves frozen. Never had she been so scared in all her life. The handle turned with a whine in the silent night. She paused for a moment, trying to gather strength. Forcing herself forward she shoved the door open and quickly stepped in. "Emily," She whispered. "Emily," She nearly shouted. She was taken aback by the volume of her voice and jerked.
